WWs I need your advice/suggestions. This last weekend was very intense. My WW felt like all the feelings that had begun to dissipate for the OM had come racing back and she began to pull away from our M again. We talked through most of the weekend and continued until it is was time for me to go to work Monday morning. I think I managed to cut the OM would had become like Goliath in her mind, back down to size. As I mentioned in a different thread she claims she closed her private email account on Monday.

Throughout the weekend though, there was some glimmers of hope through the fog. These are comments I heard:

“Please don’t give up on me. I know I’m weak.”

“I’m coming to you with these confessions because I need your help.”

“You are a cut above him.”

“You’re a good man. I don’t know why you still love me.”

Okay, I’m clinging to all these comments that came in between a barrage of things that were tough to take. Here are my questions:

1) What kind of help do you think she needs? I asked her and she couldn’t be specific. I’m trying to do the whole Plan A/Emotional Needs thing, but based on your experiences, what did you most need from your H when you decided to leave the OM and commit to the marriage?
2) She told me last night that she made no attempts to contact OM yesterday. I know this is a big deal. How do I encourage her and say great job without offending someone who is incredibly sensitive about the OM’s feelings.

Thanks, Zoomie

Zoomie:

I am not a WW but a BS who was successful in forcing or assisting in ending my FWW's EA.

You cannot sweet talk them into being honest or loyal to their spouses. You must expose them to people who mean something in their lives or who can impact them within their families, jobs, churches, etc. Exposure will force them to answer questions from people they didn't want to know about their secret affair. Questions bring on humilation to the WS.

I exposed my FWW to kids, her siblings, and a couple of others then I told her who I told. That brought on the kids and her siblings questioning her morals, etc. I spelled out more people I was going to tell if they didn't end the affair. Everytime I would tell another person, I would tell my wife that I told them. I told the OM's parents and got them involved. They even blamed my wife 100% for the entire affair, causing disention between the two love-birds.

My FWW did not want her co-workers and her mother to know about her affair and I held that over her head as leverage. I believe you must fight fire with fire and you must treat the other person as the enemy in a war. I learned to fight hard because I believed I was going to lose my wife anyway and that I had nothing to lose. My efforts and exposure caused major disruption in their secret affair causing the the OM to begin showing his selfish side to my FWW.

The disruption led to the beginning of the lifting of the fog. The threat of more exposure caused FWW to agree to quit her job so she could end all contact with the OM; NC led to FWW going into depression; Depression and NC led to MC sessions; Sessions and Time healed the depression which led to renewed conversation with me, the BS; More time led to FWW becoming more disconnected to OM; that led to some reconnection with me. That led to renewed intimacy and the rebuilding of the marriage.

It is a long tedious and painful process, but it can work. I hope this helps some. Sorry I jumped in against your request.

TooSoon

Hi Zoom! Hope I can help with some of your questions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) What kind of help do you think she needs? I asked her and she couldn’t be specific. I’m trying to do the whole Plan A/Emotional Needs thing, but based on your experiences, what did you most need from your H when you decided to leave the OM and commit to the marriage?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say just listen to her as she rambles on. Try not to make any harsh remarks towards her or the OM. Just listen. Also, I remember my hubby tried to push me to talk and I would back off more so if she doesn't feel like talking don't press it. Maybe say something like, "I know you are feeling horrible right now, would you like to talk about it?"

She will possibly say, "No"

You could say, "That's fine, but I would really like to discuss what's upsetting you later. Maybe we can table it for now and come back when you are feeling better."

Shows you are interested and are also willing to give her the space she needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2) She told me last night that she made no attempts to contact OM yesterday. I know this is a big deal. How do I encourage her and say great job without offending someone who is incredibly sensitive about the OM’s feelings.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Encouraging her is wonderful! Maybe instead of saying, "Alright, you didn't contact that SOB today! Way to go!!!" (which I know is what you wanted to say, my hubby sure did).

Spin it... It's an addiction, acknowledge it as so...

"Oh man, I know that must have been hard for you and you made it! You are stronger than you think!" or "I am so proud of you. I realize that this must feel like it's an addiction that you are getting over. Take one day at a time, you can do it and I am right there beside you."

I can not tell you how much of an addiction this whole A business is. I quite smoking after 10 years. I smoked a pack and a half a day. I went cold turkey and just about died. Withdrawal was JUST AS BAD, if not worse.

Once she starts coming out of the withdrawal/fog, you two will BOTH be able to trash the OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I realized recently how much better hubby and I are - now we can joke about my OM. It feels great when you get to that point. I look forward to the day though when OM doesn't even enter my mind, not even for a joke. That will be a wonderful day. Of course, I might not realize it because I won't be thinking about it. Hmmm... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Zoomie--

FWW here. Yuck on me. These comments that you quoted sound very promising. She sounds truly remorseful and sorry and is more than willing to work with you.

My A was a one-time thing with an exBF and I completely cut off contact with him. Since, I haven't had any desire to see this guy, hear from him...nada. So I didn't go through withdrawal really. But I'd be thrilled if my H was as supportive of me as you are toward your W. That is VERY big of you and YOU should be commended for that...so I commend you.

As far as your questions...I can only answer from what I, personally, would like...
Constant verbal encouragement would suit me just fine. Just a voicemail at work, or a note in her car. Just saying hello and you're thinking of her. YOu're there for her. That would be a big help to me. I most need to know that he's willing to give 100% but she has to be willing to do that also.

Also, has she is she going to counseling...what about the both of you? That would also be a good help. If she doesn't know what kind of help she needs, a counselor might be able to help her figure it out.

What about YOUR feelings? Is she sensitive to yours? Sounds like she's putting his above yours...it sounds like something to be discussed at some point. If she's sensitive about it...key words there is "at some point."

Sounds like she needs a lot of sensitivity/attention/affirmation given to her, if you're able to do that...good for you and DO DO DO that.

Hope this helps...again...I commend you for your efforts...

Rae

I am a WW who is just starting N/C & I have sounded just like that to my H. The advice that was previously given sounds good to me.

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