WH called me at work.....I refused the call. The receptionist told him I was in a procedure and that he could leave a voice mail.

He didn't. He called back and talked to my boss's wife. He told her he was going to surprise me for my birthday tomorrow, and MOVE BACK HOME!!!!

I went to Yoga class. He has left me 6 messages on my cell, going from nice to ranting, to nice again. One on the home phone. He sent a letter to OW along with her cell phones, breaking up with her.

He thinks that coming back home should be the first step.....He is calling again. I didn't pick up. Now he's on the home phone.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? HE SAID HE NEEDS TO TALK
TO ME ABOUT THIS

K

Hi,

Well in a time a panic, one should start by taking a few (not many), deep cleansing breathes.

Now step back and ask yourself the following:

1. What is the most type of communications you can handle? E-mail, phone, in person, letter?

2. Based on your response to item 1, what will it take for you to have in-person contact? Do you feel safe alone or need a 3rd party?

3. What are your boundaries?

4. Can you implement them?

5. Do you need time to identify and implement them? Don't be afraid to say so.

6. What is your plan B strategy?

7. What are the requirements an Xws to return home? (hint: Make it high, not low).

L.

Pick up the phone and see what he says. I wouldn't let him move back home so soon AT ALL. Tell him not yet. I would want to see the letter and then see a demonstration that he has really ended things with OW. That could take some time for him to prove that to you.

And what I mean by that is he would have to completely open up his life to you for awhile and if you can believe he has truly ended things, then you can discuss moving back in.

You don't EVEN want him back home if he is still sneaking around having the affair. That will be pure hell and you will have forfeited any and all of your leverage.

Don't move too fast here, K. Take it slow and easy and don't get excited. Stay in control. This could yet another attempt to get you to break no contact and regain control back over your life. Slooooooooooooooooooooooooow down.

Hmmmm. Well this is an easy one. My WH did the same thing in December. He called me at work and said he was moving back in. I had to leave work and go to court to keep him out.

So you sit down with WH and ask him to write a no contact letter to OW. It should be very brief, and say that he loves you and wants to work on the marriage, and desires no contact with her for any reason.

If he agrees to write the letter (most don't), then you discuss what is necessary to rebuild your marriage. Let him know that MB has a plan.

As soon as you ask him to write the NC letter, you will know where he stands.

Just keep in mind that he has wanted to reconcile before and changed his mind the next day when he started missing the OW. So don't get your hopes up. Talk is cheap, K.

Has he satisfied all your demands listed in your Plan B letter?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by k72172:
<strong>....He told her he was going to surprise me for my birthday tomorrow, and MOVE BACK HOME!!!!
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL!!!! ... Have you change the house lock ?. Anyway listen to my MB sis' ... she had many experience in taking back WS too early. (Sorry Orchid, a cheap shot).

Read up "How A should End" and I would even suggest WS to talk to Cerri or Jenifer for conseling. You need one too.

-rh-

Okay....

I just talked to WH. He said he sent a letter to OW with her cell phones. He said it nearly killed her.

He also said his apartment is already rented by someone else. That he will get more money back on his rent if he gets out sooner so they can get the other person in.

He also said that he was feeling really good about all this. That he really wants it to work.

I told him that he can come over tonight after his band practice, and we will talk.

He seems very volatile right now. He said that I had already brought him down with just a couple of words.

I feel safe around him. He would not do anything to harm me. Physically anyway. He's already done plenty of damage to me emotionally.

Does anyone know what I should say to him when he comes over tonight?

I don't have a clue.

K

I have taken a shower, and have calmed down now.

WH is coming here tonight to talk.

The first thing I want to ask him is this...

How are you planning to prove to me that you are not in contact with OW?

What are you planning to do to make me feel safe in our marriage?

Will you sit down with me an write a NC letter? (don't know if I should ask what he wrote in the other letter he sent her).

How will you prevent contact with OW? And what will you do if she tries to contact you?

Are you willing to make your life an open book to me?

I would also like to let him know that if he ever has contact with OW again, that our marriage is OVER.

I am not afraid to tell him how I feel....I just don't want to make him think that this won't work.

That he needs to make a tremendous effort to prove that he really wants ME.

ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS?

K

k72172,

How was the talk ?. You are on the right track. He has all the work and you just sit back & watch.

-rh-

7

<small>[ January 25, 2005, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: *blondblossom* ]</small>

Dear K,

When a WS tries t/b an Xws, he needs t/d the talking. As was earlier said, the BS needs to sit back and listen. Less stress on you.

Don't give him any guarantees. Let him tell you his plan, then if you agree to the plan (don't have to tell him so), then let him know that you will get back to him. This will allow him time to prove he can do as he says.

Will it be hard on him? Yes. He gave away his apt., if you are not ready, he needs to make other arrangements. Don't let his decisions make you make them his way.

This is the time for you to listen and evaluate what he says. Note, that a WS will try to fog babble. When he does, point it out in as calm a way as possible but stand your ground. If he acts up with an attitude, tell him to leave. If he whines he doesn't have anywhere to go, let him know that isn't your problem but his attitude scares you. If he threatens to go back to the OW, consider that a warning that NC was phony.

He may throw a tantrum. Don't give in.

You can plan A AFTER he shows he is worthy of it.

The ball is in your court right now. Play it wisely.

take care,
L.

k,

If everything he has said is true....

He also said that he was feeling really good about all this. That he really wants it to work.

then having him wait a couple of weeks or longer to move back in should not change his mind about his decision.

I told my wife this when she mentioned moving back in and we set a date better than a month down the road. Yes, we spent a lot of time together and sometimes stayed the night at each others place.

In a way you guys are starting over...I would start slow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Happy birthday btw.

God Bless

Doug

K - Thinking about you and hoping all went well last night. Let us know.

I may add more confusion, but I really tend to agree with BB.

I think the idea of the BS "sitting back and watching" goes against the MB principle.

I don't think M...in any state, can ever be "sit back and watch".

One of the key advantages of our recovery going so well was enthusiasm and committment to making it through "together".

I remember distinctively my FWH words to me regarding this situation when he wanted to drop OW and move back home....

FWH..." I need to know that you're in this all the way, we both have to be strong. If you fall, I don't know if I'll have the strength to pick you up".

His admission of weakness, and vulnerability made me want to really commit myself to Plan A, not just for early recovery, but to my M as a whole.

My fear here, is what IF this is the time he means what he says, and the moment isn't ceased ?

I agree that proof is in the pudding, but sometimes it's a leap of faith. Could you fall flat on your face ? Absolutely ! But isn't RECOVERY...after an A... a leap of faith in itself ?

just my 2 cents...

Happy Birthday !

Happy Birthday, K! This one will surely be one you will never forget!

Seize the day, IMO. Make sure your terms are clear, though. Will he show you the letter he wrote to OW? Once the fog starts to clear, it usually keeps clearing. Plan A your heiny off, K. Part of that will be to set your boundaries and conditions, though.

Let us know what happens...

Oops! Double

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: What AmIDoing? ]</small>

K,

I just wanted to add my two cents and say I was here many months ago posting a similar thread about recovery but,I am divorcing because it never really worked out between us due to my WH's lies and deception.Just because a WS says they want to come home doesn't mean they are ready,willing and able to do the work.Something might have happened that triggered your WH to say this.Who knows? Just keep your boundaries and don't let him force a fast recovery here.

** What do you mean he is very volatile right now??

And,what do you mean when he said that you already brought him down with a couple of words??

This to me says he is very conflicted and may not be sincere about the hard work of an actual recovery.

He wasn't supposed to send a NC letter either without your approval and reviewing it together.This smells fishy to me.Where is the proof?

His apartment is already rented out? What?? Did he move out and plan all this expecting that you would be there waiting with open arms and open door to take him back??

How about an update today?

O

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

K, Happy b-day! By now your conversation already took place. I haven't walked in your shoes since my H never left, but this is just a gut feeling. I believe you can Plan A and still have your bounderies at the same time. Just because your H decided he is ready to end the A and move back home, who says you are ready to have him home? That's quite presumptuous(sp?)!

Personally I would insist on IC, counseling with one of the infidelity experts such as Steve or Cerri (if you guys can afford it), and basically whatever YOU need to know he's willing to earn his way back. Good luck Hon! CV

Hello everyone...

Thanks for your replies. I wish I had been able to get them last night. But WH came here earlier than I had expected him to.

Needless to say, I guess I went a little too hard line with WH. I asked how he was planning to make me feel safe in our marriage, and if he was willing to send OW a no contact letter.

He pretty much didn't like what I was saying. So I backed off.

He was doing pretty good when he left this morning. And, after reading the rest of the posts here, I called WH while he was on his way to work. Just got off the phone with him.

I told him that I really appreciated his efforts, and that I know this is all really hard for him.

I told him that I wasn't going to put any pressure on him, and that I knew that all these things would be taken care of in time. And that time would help him.

I told him that I would be here for him if he needed to talk to me, and that I have faith in him. That he has always been the kind of person who could do whatever he put his mind to.

I had pretty much decided last night that I would sit back and watch. He seems very earnest in his desire to make things right.

I know that this is going to be a rough road, especially for WH.

He said he is tired of the lies, tired of what his life has become, tired of what he has become, and he doesn't want to live that way anymore.

I hope I haven't done too much damage. I guess I'm hoping to lead him in the right direction, and make him feel like he is a good person, and the love of my life.

K