but you guys are all i have, at least i know you are all i am capable of reaching out to at the moment.

last week, i talked about confessing the rest of it all to my husband. my head was going to explode until i decided i just have to take a break away from it. my IC did not think this was a good time to confess anything new, but i know her primary concern is my mental stability not necessarily my marriage... her quote, "you ending up in a hospital again won't help anything".

just thinking about doing this confessing has thrown me into a complete mess. i've gone pretty dark around here and then about 4 days ago i created a new yahoo id. 2 days ago i went into a chat room. today i spoke with someone who i am, at this point, saying i will meet in the morning.

what is wrong with me?? to all BSs out there as well as all FWS trying so hard, i am so very sorry. i don't mean to cause you any discomfort or dis-respect. if nothing else i would hope that you BSs can understand, for me anyway, at this point, none of this has to do with my husband. it is so totally and completely about me. why do i think having sex with a total stranger is at all something i want to do?? i was never like this before. once upon a time i had morals. i hate the internet and all it has to offer and yet i cannot get out of it's grasp. i want to do this, even though it is so meaningless, i want to feel like it is not. i want so badly to just relax, feel good, pretend. i truthfully want this so bad with my husband but that will never happen. it only means something in a loving relationship and yet i didn't care about it meaning anything for so long. doing this will only show me i have not changed for the better one bit. and i seem very hung up on sending that message to myself.

i'm going jogging now, in order to keep me from deleting this post.

please help.

FL,

You want to do this as a way of running away. You already know you cannot run away from this. Further, you are a role model for your daughter, and your H's W. Please don't do this. Please call your IC right NOW and get an appointment for tomorrow.

Hurting yourself by doing this or something else is NOT the answer and you know it. So please stop it.

Come here and talk, pray like you have not prayed in years, and yes ask your H to hold you tonight and hold on tight. Tell him you need him to hold you and not to ask any questions. He can help you FL, if you will let him just do this simple task.

FL, I am leaving for home now, but please, please don't do this.

God Bless YOU FL

Sweetie -

You are just addicted to the internet. It probably has something to do with your childhood.

But you can overcome this. Just don't show up tomorrow, and instead come here. We will fuss over you and take care of you.

((((((((((((((Finally Learning))))))))))))))))

I will be praying for you.

I don't really know any words that I could say that would stop you from doing anything.
All I can say is that you need to recognize that
you have a serious problem. It needs to be treated. I don't know if just 'talking' in IC is all that is needed.
What can you do right now? You can do this....
Keep telling yourself over and over,
"There is really something wrong with me. This is not normal. I need to find out what it is, and until then, I will not make any decisions that could anyway, shape or form, harm another person, especially my husband."

God is smiling on you for the right things you have done recently. Continue to do things that will make him smile.

FL,

I'm proud you opened this "can of worms" here. I so much wish my own STBX had done that. I don't think she believes her actions are harmful to herself, or to others.

I can't help you. But I can send a prayer your way. Good Luck, but remember... luck has nothing to do with it.

i ran for about 2 miles and then just cried on the street. good thing it is night time. came home, husband saw in my face i was upset. i told him mind was working over time and that no matter what in IC we discuss about my childhood or other things, nothing makes my behavior explainable or justifable but anything other that extremely awful. he didn't say anything, he did have his arm around me. i have no right trying to lean on him when he is hurting so much. i came up here to read any responses, take a shower and go to bed. i can't respond to each of you now except to say thank you. i did tell myself that i would call IC tommorow and tell her what is up. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "There is really something wrong with me. This is not normal. I need to find out what it is, and until then, I will not make any decisions that could anyway, shape or form, harm another person, especially my husband."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is really good advice. i'm already following it. time for shower and bed.

FL, I can relate to what you are doing. I used to be the same way. I used to meet men from online when I was already with my H but before we were married.

I think it stemmed from the problems I was having coping with the abuse I had as a child. I knew I was in a loving R, but there was always that thrill of being with someone new and it was such a boost feeling that others found me attractive and wanted to be with me.

I did this for the last time about a year into our engagement. Luckly I was able to pull a 180 and stop. Still, after this thing happened with my H I felt myself regressing back into that person. I found myself in chat rooms seeking that attention for a quick pick up. I found that the only way to keep myself from letting it happen again was to stop visiting chat rooms alltogether and deleting my chat clients and profiles. I went through withdrawal, not from a person, but from the high I would get being flirted with by anyone.

Until you are able to work on yourself enough to care about your well being you probably shouldn't expose yourself to the temptation of falling in that trap again. I'm just now able to finally say "no" and I can finally feel good enough about myself to not need that kind of sataisfaction from strangers. I've made the decision that I'm not here just to be used by others for their own satisfaction.

I know when I did those things, and it was years ago, I did it to abuse myself because I didn't think I was worthy to have a healthy R. Now I know that I do. Everyone deserves that but until you can realize that please stay away from meeting people online. Especially if you want to work on your marriage. Don't worry about letting the person you promised to meet down. Believe me, they don't care, they probablly have made this agreement with many others. I know this by experiance. For your health and your family. Just don't go. Don't even tell the person. You don't need that.

I also think that the reason you feel like you have to do this has to do with the secrets that you still hold within you. Please don't let your guilt guide you in the wrong direction.

I don't really know what your history is, but I'll let you in on what happened to me. Starting from when I was 10, my older brother started forcing himself on me. I said nothing for over 2 years. For some reason I always had this horrible guilt that I had something to with it even though I had tried to run away I was beaten and dragged around until I gave in. When I finally started having sex as a teen and adult, I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy. I thought I had done this horrible sin so I punished myself by doing what you are going to do now. By punishing myself I thought I was getting what I deserved. There was a rush but it only left me feeling worse in the long run. I can tell that you know that you shouldn't do this. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted this here. Please take care of yourself. Call a family member to spend the day with you if you can in order to keep your mind from what you think you might be missing out on. Do whatever you can to make sure you don't do what you think you might do.

We're all here for you.

I don't know if this will chnge your mind. I don't think it would have to me if I was still in your situation. I know I would still have done it just to show how awful a person I was and then come back here just to get 2x4'd just to extend my punishment. You are not awful. You just sound confused with guilt. I hope you take the advice here. You are better than a one night stand. You may not think so now, but you are. Stay off those chat rooms. That's where I used to pick up people. It will be hard but believe in yourself and you can do it.

also, you should never feel like you aren't worthy to lean on your S. Isn't M about helping each other through problems. If your H is willing, take solace in that. You are his W. You deserve to recieve his love and support. He may not be happy with what is going on but I'm sure he would feel better with you going to him rather than seeking solace in someone else's bed.

FL - How are things going this morning? I hope you are feeling better and more positive.

hi believer, i am here. not sure how much better i am feeling but i am glad i posted last night. i did not directly chat with that person but left a message saying i did not want to do this, then i deleted the screen name.

FL, I hope you're doing okay this morning.

If you're still struggling... calm your mind and take a step back from the person that wants to do these things you know are bad for you, and look her over. Try to look at that woman from the outside. Look at her struggling with the whys and hows, searching for explanations, caught up in a whirlwind of emotion and confusion. Back out of that chaos; observe it from a distance. Don't think about it, don't make judgements, don't try to find any explanations. If you do that, you're just back in the middle of the storm. Don't think at all, just observe your own mind, casually, from a distance. Be still for a while and just observe. After you spend some time doing this, you will have more perspective.

GC

Hey Karen,

Are you okay this morning?

You said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i have no right trying to lean on him when he is hurting so much. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Karen, I think that's a lot of the problem. You do have the right. You are his W. He stayed. He loves you. He needs you to need him. You two need to try to recover and heal together, not separately.

I think you really need to let him know how important it is the two of you spend time together. This whole internet addiction thing is a very real thing, I know. It's not so easy to fall prey to though, if you're otherwise occupied with your H.

Praying for you, dear Karen.

Your friend, (who's not been so good about getting back to your email--I'm sorry) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
~autumnday

FL -

Since you are in counseling has your counselor given you any insight on why you do these things that make you feel bad about yourself?

I'm sure it has something to do with your childhood. Although if you never did things before now, I'm curious what started it all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You two need to try to recover and heal together, not separately.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H told me when he came to bed that what i said to him only brings up bad thoughts in his head and he cannot be of any help then.

FL,

You have received good advice from everyone, but I want you to pay particular attention to AD's advice. Your H is there to help you. You are actually helping him if you allow him to help you. He knows something is wrong, permit him a role in your life. You won't regret it and he will be gratified that you permitted him to help you in this crisis.

I hope today is a better day for you, and I hope that you and your IC can talk. I am guessing but I suspect that this 'crisis' is part of the fall out of you finally facing the issues you discussed last week. If so hang in there you will be able to deal with all of this with time. Just don't make it worse.

God Bless,

JL

FL,

I mostly lurk, hardly ever post. I have a question that I hope you can help me with. What was going through your mind while you were setting up the meeting in the chat room? Just a few days ago you were wanting to tell your DH about another incident that happened earlier in your saga. I ask because I want to try to understand what must be going on in my husband's head when he goes to bars after seeming so remoreful and trys to pick up women. I just don't understand it!

I'm sorry Karen, that is a tough one. With my H, if I bring up things dealing w/ the A, the first part of his response is identical to what your H said to you, but the 2nd half of his response differs. My H says something like, "...but if you need to talk about it, I understand, and will try to help..."

Maybe if you lay it on the line, (gently), that your concern is for your M. Tell him how much you need him, even though you feel you don't have the right to turn to him whilst he's hurting. Tell him you need to be open with him, you're intention is not to hurt him.

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

FL, just some thoughts. I have been following your recent thread and now this. You are so tortured with your secrets, and I do feel so badly for you. What is that AA saying, "We are only as sick as our secrets."

You are in a really tough spot on many levels. I think when you eventually reveal the whole truth to your H you will have a load lifted off of you. Yet, that will also be risky business. You can't control what his reaction will be. You also are dealing with the internet/sex addiction. Any addiction is just a means to numb our feelings. Of course you know that. Is your therapist equipped to help you deal with this, or do you think you might need someone who specializes in this area? A good therapist won't be offended if you discuss this with her. Also, have you considered a support group to help you with this?

My prayers are with you. Since I joined this site you have continuously shown great courage to do the right thing. Please don't sabatoge yourself now. Get the help you need. With or without your H you need to get help for this. Casual sex with strangers is very dangerous. Not only could you hurt yourself, but all those who love you. CV

jl, didn't you see what i posted? H does NOT want to help me deal with this. and it is therefore, wrong of me to force it on him. i have to be strong on my own!!! i just have to do this. i want to let him help me, i really do.

this morning he was in a fine mood, wished me a good day, he didn't want to talk about last night, just said everything is fine.

weepingwife,

i wish i could explain it. if your husband is anythign like me all i can say to comfort you is to tell you it is not about you.

how do i explain it. best i can figure is it is an attempt to escape. the crazy part is that it is also the thing that makes your need to escape even greater.