I saw my therapist today and I don't felt like the session went very well. H sees the same therapist I do, but we're going separately. I told the therapist that I was stopping pursuing a divorce and he seemed to think that was not a good thing. Last week when I went in and told him I was getting a divorce, he praised me for my decisiveness and strength to move on with my life, etc. This week he seemed to be insinuating that I only feel validated if H is in my life (which isn't true) and that I'm not living in reality if I think that not getting a divorce is a better option for me. I told him my reasons for deciding not to file, that I felt it was a decision I made in the heat of the moment to get revenge on H for hurting me, etc. I don't know... It just made me feel more confused.

I guess to anyone on the outside looking at my situation it seems pretty cut and dried: H doesn't love me any more, wants to be with OW, wants to be free, so I'm better off without him. But what about what I want? Does that not matter to anyone other than me? I want this marriage to work. I'm willing to fight tooth and nail to make it work. Yes, there may come a day when I have to conceede defeat, but that time has yet to come. I'm a fighter, always have been. Just quitting isn't in my vocabulary. And you all know that to stick through this takes an incredable amount of physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual strength... So why is it that people are so quick to assume you're being weak for wanting a marriage to work? Why do people applaud me for being "strong enough" to seek a divorce when it was really my coward's way out of this mess?

This society is really screwed up. My therapist kept asking me "what do you want" and I'd tell him, "I want my H to get better, I want him to come back to me, I want this marriage to work" but he wouldn't accept that as a valid answer! It *is* a valid answer! It's what I want, dammit! My therapist just took it to mean that I was putting H's needs before my own and that I wasn't being true to myself or something stupid like that. I was pretty offended by the time my session was over.

Thankfully I have a session scheduled with the Steve Harley on Friday morning. I'm sick of the non-help I'm getting with this so-called marriage counselor.

<small>[ October 06, 2004, 11:33 PM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>

My therapist just took it to mean that I was putting H's needs before my own and that I wasn't being true to myself or something stupid like that.

Okay, I get on a soapbox about this subject. Today, it seems the proper thing is to take care of OUR needs. What if, in a marriage, both spouses put the OTHER'S needs before their own? I'm thinking there'd be a lot less selfishness and a lot more satisfaction.

Too bad most therapists/counselors don't see it that way.

Stick to what you believe and what you are most comfortable with.

LL

SB,

Glad to see you think that way as well. I heard some of the same crap from a therapist my WW went to see. I actually paid 200+ for a therapist to tell my WW that is was best to "just let go" to spare herself from any depression. It seemed that according to that therapist, marriage was just a cause of pain, and the easiest way to remove the pain was to ge a D!! Needless to say, WW is no longer seeing that particular therapist. But I share your digust that a therapist would say something like that. Keep fighting! Don't give up! We are here to listen.

Hey what is a divorce anyway other than a legal maneuver to sever certain ties between H & W? It doesn't make one feel better but it can increase the pain. Marriage is a union between 2 people with feelings that can't be legislated or dissolved with the pen "that is mightier than the sword". Do what your heart leads you to do and give it your best shot.... otherwise one day you may be sorry that you didn't. Marriage counselors are viewed as marriage savers but they do sometimes help dissolve marriages also; if they point out short comings that you have you must decide what if anything you can do about them ........but be honest. Oftentimes we cannot control our feelings or the actions of other people but we can always be honest.

She sounds like the MC WH and I went to right after D-Day. She thought it was best if WH moved out like he wanted to and said I should go on Anti-D's. Of course I was 3 months pregnant at the time so that wasn't even an option. Not once did she discuss ways for us to improve communication or do anything to save the M. I learned my lesson with that one. At least now I know what kind of questions to ask next time (hopefully there will be a next time) I interview someone.

Do you think it should be a prerequisite for all MC to actually be married themselves? Because I'm starting to think that an unmarried person is really not intellectually qualified to deal with a couple who is struggling in their marriage. Maybe I'm just being ranty here, but our C is not married and quite inexperienced at this counseling business anyway. He had to check a book against my symptoms of depression when I told him that someone thought I may be clinically depressed. Now, I've studied psychology and I can tell you off the top of my head what the symptoms are for Clinical Depression... And this guy can't do that without a cheat sheet???

I'm just scared more for H's sake that C is not pressing the issue of medication with him. H is bipolar and needs to be on it, ASAP. First, because he's obviously going through an episode right now, that seems more and more to be manic, and second, because my marriage depends on it. C is a professional who seems to be telling H that he's doing what he needs to do, and to do what's best for himself, and other basically validating statements about H's destructive behavior.

I'm scared.

After years of problems my XW and I went to counsleing for what turned out to be very different reasons. I finally agreed to and sought out this counselor on a friend's advice. I went to save my marriage....she, at the couselors advice, decided it was best to work on an amicable divorce (WHICH TO ME IS AN OXYMORON!). I tried and tried to get her to change her mind and at times I thought it would work. We would go to our weekly session and boom....I would get asked if I "accepted her wishes"....finally I told the guy "I am done with this, it is not what I want and you both know it"...long and short of it. We got divorced last fall, and after years of being alone, degraded and humiliated I went on a tear seeing a lot of other women. She brought her long EA to the next level. I was devasted when I found this out as I also found out or previous PA's at that time. However, I told her "I'll always love you" and the "door is always open" and I went on with my life as a divorced man. The PA died a very quick death (which based on my experiences as a divorced man KNEW would happen)...she decided to take me up on my offer...and came in the "open door"...and we're trying to reconcile now. She went to the same counselor during that time both alone and with our children. He advised her to continue her baseless order of protection because "she was scared". He knew I would be violent (I never was and it was all dismissed by the judge, her attorney admonished and fined by state for advising client to go that route for custody and house), that he thought I was a liar about my time away from home....I thought the guy was trying to pick up my wife!!!

Now we see someone different. I could not make the effort because I already felt like I failed the last time we went. It is working as we're finally getting to the root of our past issues. How I handle conflict and her trust issues (Ironic since she was the adulterous one!!). However, this new counsleor wanted us to go back to the previous one for our kids and I refused. I have an anger issue (that is under cotrol with much therapy- based on childhood)and I know I will get nothing done with a person who has been NO help to me.

So I guess my point in that long winded message is that choose carefully. Find out ahead of time what their personal position is on items of interest (marriage, divorce, child raising, etc.). Now you need to find someone that is objective that's all. If they lean one way that is how their advice leans....

I do know that for me....that guy did nothing for me...except give my wife the courage she needed to file her divorce...and through that whole deal "made her strong enough"....to make what she now calls..."the biggest mistake in my life"....When she tells me that I have to bite my toungue from saying that "No, your affair was much bigger"......

I often wish there were maritally orriented councilors like Cerri in my area. If there were, i would be happy to pay to go.

As is, I'm better off offering the pizza delivery guy a few extra bucks to come in and "put me on the couch". He doesn't knoi sh^t either, but at least he's got warm pizza. This last dork thought fidelity was a topic about the new stereo system we were apparently helping him pay for.

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:56 PM: Message edited by: sprint ]</small>

Get a new MC and keep your sessions with Steve. Makes one wonder where these MCs get acredited from that A university? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

L.

Is this a therapist who's doubling as an MC because of your situation? An IC would not be the best person for you to choose as your MC. A regular counselor is trained to help *you* as an individual, not *you* as a couple.

My IC knows how I feel about my marriage. I think she disagrees with my actions to a certain extent because of the questions she asks, but she is very respectful of my wishes and is making sure I'm okay with what i'm doing.

You make some very good points, Sarah, about *your* wants being important. And someone else said that divorce doesn't just stop the pain like a switch. This is also true. I'm of the firm belief that you should not seek a divorce until you feel like you've done all that you could--and this will vary greatly from individual to individual.

Is there anyway your husband will agree to see a different counselor of your choosing?

SB, in the UK it has taken me SIX MONTHS to even get the NUMBER of a pro M counselling service.

Now the UK doesn't have a therapy or counselling culture but it sjust pathetic.

I was referred to 'Relate' the UKs premier relationship counselling service.

i spoke to a twentysomething girl who just ASUMMED I would be filing an punitive divorce and I should remember I have children and a dependent wife !

FFS I never MENTIONED divorce ! When I reminded her of thsi she said " Oh, well, most of my clients oin yor sitch divorce".

Hmmm

So I saw another RELATE counsellor and this was a middle aged bloke who majored in negotiation.

Basically an arbitration service, alowing Squid and I to speak without being violent or disrespectful

So Relate was completely useless.

I called another from Aquarius who was more like sspeaking to the Samaritans.

Eventually I found a service provided by the Catholic church TRULY pro Marriage - and I have a checkout session with a counsellor there on Monday.

I remain unconvinced that we aren't better off without that sort of counselling...my search continues.

Good luck SB., you should change your MC soon I think.

Ditch your counselor and find a "PRO-Marriage" counselor.

Unfortunetly, the majority of counselors (marriage or individual) are the "do what feels good" approach. They are basically clueless when it comes to surviving infidelity and rebuilding a marriage after one.

These type of counselors really piss me off <sorry, but they do>. I've seen them enable and validate the adulteror in their pursuit of their happiness regardless, and at the expense, of the marriage.

Jo

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:48 PM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Before the A my H and I went to a MC for about 18 months. This MC would not see us individually, except maybe a few sessions. When we both were in need of ICs and wondered about him, he said he would not see either one of us individually. The reason is that a MC's client is both Ss, not one. Seeing each one individually compromises the M therapy, unless you are both seeing the MC also, and nothing is confidential.

Also your therapist has no business giving you his opinions. It isn't up to him to tell you what to do. His job is to help you figure out the choices you have and any underlying issues that are effecting you. If he is pro-M, which yours isn't, he also should be educating your H about the poor A stats.

I am a therapist and I so dislike incompetent ones. Dump this guy pronto. You will appreciate Steve. CV