Nellie1 posted a very interesting question..one that stirred me into thoughts of varying depths.

If you substitute "abuse" for "affair" in an otherwise unchanged statement regarding responsibility of the wronged spouse....would we meet that statement with anything but utter contempt?

Knee jerk reaction? Well of course not. Until I thought about it for a minute. Then I changed my mind.

The longer I thought about it..and the further back I looked..I saw the storm brewing, but I do not think it was a storm of unmet needs per say...at least not the needs that have been outlined. I believe that the need that I failed to meet was enforcing my boundaries. Allowing my husband to sink deeper and deeper still into selfishness without putting up any genuine resistance. In short? I couldn't pick which hill to die on. None of the "issues" seemed important enough to take the gloves off over. Retrospectively I wish I had nipped it in the bud, even at the expense of the relationship. I wish that I had drawn my lines in the sand and refused to have my standards lowered. The lower he took us..the less I respected him [although I still both loved and liked him]..the lower I allowed him to take us..the less he respected me. Crushing. Ironic. No getting around it. I damaged my marriage by not offering to put my foot up his @ss.

Have you ever had the pleasure of watching someone who has begun descent? You can see that they are slipping..you can see the spiral..you can not see a way to stop it..but that doesn't stop you from running around with a net trying to catch them. Never, ever works, does it?

I was on a pretty short leash by the time he had sex with another woman. As an example...we live quite far from any friends or family..my mother flew out for one day to see us. My H declined to join us for dinner...by the end of the evening I was nearly dancing in place with unease because I was torn. I only got to see my mother once a year..I wanted to stay and visit with her as long as possible..but I could literally feel his displeasure that I was chosing to spend time with her rather than with him. Funny thing though? The 364 other days of the year I was completely expendable. I was at least second choice. He didn't mind a bit going out with friends [I later found out just why I was not invited] and leaving me for an evening [and a life] alone with the kids. I noticed one day that I had not left the house alone in more than 6 months. I was in a state of near complete neglect. I was allowing it ? Why? I have not been a person to have chronic boundary issues. I have never been mistreated in any other relationship. What exactly was going on?

My conclusion? Fog is a two way street. People can and do condition the people around them to treat them a certain way, and to react only within a certain spectrum. That's also a two way street. Every step I allowed him to take that crossed one of my boundaries..encouraged another step to be attempted. Until I had nearly lost my identity, my very sense of self..and he was becoming a monster. If I had refused the first time, and every time..he would have behaved, or left. Either would be better than allowing him to betray me.

I suprise myself. I find that in most cases I do not buy the emotional needs not being met to be the cause of the affair. I know that in our situation..I am certain that I was not meeting every need that he had, exactly when and how he needed it..but I was trying to. I can't do better than that. I can also tell you, emphatically, that mine were not being met at all. If we follow the outline I should have been the one to have an affair.

I think maybe this contributes to my rage...I am angry with myself..I battle with myself. I honestly do not know what is the right thing to do in any given situation. I look at my husband and I see that very same selfishness still there. I look at his FOO..aha! There it is. Stealthy beast! Id boy.

I noticed that I tend to be very direct and even a bit harsh with posters who are going where I have been. I do not merely read their words..I feel them. I feel their claustrophobia..their anxiety. I can see them analyizing each and every gesture of their WS..the panic and grief. Trying to map out the plan least likely to offend them. Worried about what they will think of Every Little Thing. I see conditioning. I see abuse. I see beguiled men and women too afraid to shove back when their WS encroaches on their boundaries..the boundaries of a human being are not sacred to a WS moving in for the kill. Yet we waver..we quiver..they claim new ground..we bleed out our very dignity until the battlefield is red and still we do not dare to resist. What is there to be lost by this time? Nothing to lose and everything to gain..but oh they will not like it. They will pout and stomp their feet. Give us nasty looks. Lie. Show us how ugly they can be. I think that last bit is it. We are deceived..but we do it to ourselves. We love them and we do not want to see the ugliness . When my H shows me his ugly face my love for him pours out of the wounds he has inflicted. Those wounds are permanent. They may be mortal. VnusMars said something I find very astute about his BS now WW...she wants to have her ENs met by someone who has not devastated her. Touche. What to be done about it though? I feel there is enough merit in this M to stay..but it is not what it ought to be. His word is less to me now. I do not trust him. He is an oathbreaker. I crave his love but find it pale and cold. He is burning with passion for me...but passion was never hard for him. Sometimes I think he has taken mine. I want the fire back. Not the fire of the marriage..the fire of my life. I have felt the cautious bystander in my own life for well over 2 years now. I can't stand it any longer. It scares me because my marriage is not my first priority. It's way up there..but not first. I will let him go before I will fight that battle again. If he slips I do not have it in me to be his soft place to land. I done been landed on till I'm about flat. Two dimensional. Too perfect. Too strong..but having misapplied that strength of will I have disarmed myself when I ought to have been standing my ground decisively.

I could not affect his affair with my boundaries...not by then

I knew he was in danger when he was..

playing video games in favor of time with family

going "out" without me

drinking excessively

befriending people of "low" behavior

keeping me removed from his social life

This was the first tier of demonstrably destructive behavior [that I have recognized thus far]..If I had said "No", meant "No", and enforced "No" at this point..I would never have been a BS. He would have ceased hurtling down the infidelity road or he would have left. I didn't though..so we moved on to..

Being generally dismissive of my concerns and disrespectfull to me.

Growing more and more critical of me.

Beginning to say things like "If I ever cheated on you, you would forgive me."

Lying overtly.

OK..so this was more obvious..did I draw the line there? Nope..so on we went...

Near complete personality change.

The fog is thick ..I feel I am talking with a pot smoking 13 year old..I fight disgust.

I begin to sense deceit in everyday interaction...entire portions of his life I am shut out of until I am in a very small box..getting my knuckles rapped when I dare to try and lift the lid.

I notice that H is spending HUGE amounts of money on friends and recreation of various..yet vague, and always involving alcohol, sorts.

[note: this is about the time that I suspect he was seriously dunking his feet in the water of infidelity...He says that his ONS was a zero to 100% situation..I don't believe him. Even serial killers need to "rehearse"..play with it a bit. He was at strip clubs with friends..his friends were all cheaters themselves. This will likely be a later disclosure. The dreaded plague to the BS..at least I am semi- prepared. I am looking at his behavior at the time..all of it says to me that this was not in fact a 0 to 100..don't know why he insists that it was..sigh]

So did I draw a line then? No? How could I? Let me tell you..by that time I was in the fog myself ...yep, that's right...I wasn't thinking clearly either. I knew it was coming [well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea..but I knew there was something to know!] I looked out to the horizon and felt dread. I visualize myself at that time as having been drugged, and strapped into a chair..that is on a track..that will hurtle at breakneck speed..directly into a brick wall..my eyes are open, but blind..I am disoriented and bound. I feel the wind rush past my face..I feel the panic..I feel gravity push against me..I know a blow is coming but not when or how..then boom

He did it

I can't remember which poster so perfectly captured that moment of prescience

"louder than a thought, but less than a whisper"

Two seconds later I had confirmation in the form of a confession. Thus my lack of expression. I was so shocky from my moment I almost didn't hear him. I do not actually quite recall exactly what he said. No matter..I got the jist of it.

So almost a year and a half passes..with little improvement. He wasn't infected with anything nasty, or at all as far as can be tested [that was one boundary I enforced..my personal opinion is that people who advise SF with WS and nothing but a paltry condom to protect them are INSANE..SF is one of my top needs..and may be his very top need..but I put us both in the school of tough sh*t on that one..no way I am paying with my life for what he has done to me..I waited for 7 months and two complete sets of tests..and I still sweated at the Dr when I had my prenatal blood tests. Bleah. Gee, I wonder where that feeling of disgust came from..could it be I now see him as a walking petri dish?]

So to make a long story..well, less long than it potentially could be...

I caught him in a lie..two days later I found out I was pregnant. I had been very carefull..and was Not Pleased about this turn of events.

Suddenly I had no trouble enforcing my boundaries because I wasn't just willing to pull the plug..I wanted to pull it. I held him at sword point...made him choose. Not until this moment was there any significant improvement. That was when recovery began. When I decided what my life would include..and found him to be somewhere in between optional and undesireable. Not really getting off on a good foot. Definitely no honeymoon feelings. Not until he had significantly added to my bank did I have any feelings for him that did not involve blood and fire. Only my committment held me. It was enough.

I wish I had enforced when I had the chance. I was too ignorant to know what exactly I was looking at. I was too naive thinking I needed to justify my boundaries. I was too "reasonable"

No more.

--Noodle

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 01:03 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

Noodle,
Just wrote a long post that was swallowed by the internet demons.
Basically wanted to say, I UNDERSTAND.
MM

Me too.

And , If I teased a hells angel in a bar and he smacked me in the mouth I would have contributed to his abuse of me, yes. It WOULD NOT excuse or validate the abuse, but I would have been contributorily negligent IMO.

Having said that I DO think I contributed to a cr@p-ish M pre-A but NOT so much as FWW did and IN NO WAY deserved her to have an A. * indignant snort !* <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But..... I am away at a work location today and I am missing her face,her smile, her scent ...so it doesn't matter really other than we learn the lessons from our past.

Noodle,

Awesome post/insite....as I read I kept noding my head, thinking to myself, yep thats me not setting any boundaries.....agreeing with so many things you said, (expect for the alcohol and socializing), you have basically written my story.

Thank you for sharing, it helps those of us who do not quite understand where we are in this turmoil the BS causes.

I am in the process of taking a stand, BS does not know it yet, need to get some things in place first. Just wanted to say thanks for so eloquently puting some of my thoughts into words with your story.

Be Blessed.
HO

Noodle: That is exactly the way I'm feeling right now. I talked to the OM"s W for the 1st time last night. She knows nothing of the MB"s site or books ( I did tell her about them). She is coming at H's A with my WW from the other end. Showing major frustration, ultimatums, everything I feel I could do, but dont. I have tried to not LB'st WW too much, just try to remain calm, tell her of my bounderies, all the while being depressed I haven't stood some ground. Have WW make a choice. WW is so far gone now, she won't participate in anything! Why do we put up with this? She wants out? Get the bleep out then! Go live in your freakin fantasy world! I'm so tired of this. The fog is so thick. I feel it too. Questioning everything all the time. Why? I should have kicked her out right there. I still should. Why? I am starting to really see the corrupt person WW has become, and has been thru the years. Why do I put up with it? wheww.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

noodle,

This was a great post from you.I agree on so many levels I don't know where to begin either.My head is spinning with all these thoughts.Maybe I can get some down in random order here.

First,I have said this a long time ago and say it now as well to some posters: I do not agree entirely either that unmet needs are THE cause of affairs.Like you,I was basically receiving almost zero the couple of years before the A but in my mind,I found other ways to be fulfilled in my marriage and family that at the time seemed to be the glue that held everything together.I definitely wondered at why I didn't have an A myself but when I think of what my values are and beliefs and morals the answer resides there.It is not something I would ever do,plain and simple.People say that they don't go looking to have an A but I don't agree with that.People know what they are doing.

I am acutely aware of how other's can play into your life and tempt you and I am so not a follower.I don't follow trends,I balk at societies expectations,I ignore that which media expects of me as a woman.I am and always will be my own person.My self worth has always been very high which goes against the grain becasue I grew up in a very "dysfunctional" family.I marvel at how I also have not fallen into the trap of drugs and alcohol to soothe myself and numb the pain.Except for a few instances where times were really hard for me(especially recently) I have always maintained my path in life.I may be in the minority here but when you reach your full potential as a person in this life,you start seeing things very clearly.People can't sway you from your path.You become immune to temptation.You see it coming a mile away.That's how I see it anyway.

Also,when I finally made the decision to D my WH,it was because I really felt it was time.I had done all I could,my WH continued to do nothing and in the end I knew I wasn't going to change his behavior,he would have to by himself.I put my foot down so to speak and kept my boundaries which included a time frame where there would be no more Plan A'ing and tippy toeing around him making sure I wasn't saying what I really felt in order to protect his feelings.But,we are adults for pete's sake.When did it become normal to endure so much for the sake of possibly bringing home the WS? Like you mentioned,in any other circumstance,would we allow so much?

I also agree with the idea of testing the waters scenario.My WH was,in essence I think,doing this to see how much I would take regarding other women.Can I get away with this or that? Will she be upset or what will she do? Can I keep pushing the envelope without her disapproval?

Unlike you,I never lost my sense of self,it was always there,very apparent.I think my WH took advantage of the kind of woman I am,clearly he did.As much as I try to find some answer as to what I did to make the conditions present to enable an A to happen,I just don't BUY IT.I don't.That's why when I say that I find it irrelevant that whatever I was doing before the A or not doing before the A,my WH would have done whatever he chose.It's not so simple that I helped create his displeasure in our marriage.EVERYONE has moments of unhappiness or displeasure or mixed feelings.The very nature of your character shows you what you can do with those feelings.Unfortunately as we have seen time and again here,it the selfishness,temptation and entitlement,etc that feeds people to make the decisions that they do.

To me,I went through my marriage thinking we were equal partners.We were both to uphold our committments,vows,feelings for one another.We were on the same road.So,when my WH fell behind and got stuck in his choice of adultery,I felt like,should I go back to help him? or hope that he can regain his step with me,fight for us and to be with me.So,I turned around and watched and waited,waited for him to catch up again,so that we could be on common ground once more,together,for us and for our children.But,as I looked back,I saw that he was taking another path,another road and it's been that way for months until I turned around again once more,and continued down my path,the place I was headed all this time.But now,alone.

So much more to say but that's enough for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

O

Noodle,

Kick @$$ post.....

You summed up my feelings almost to the letter.

I sit here a few days away from my 3rd anniversary. For each anniversary, my W has had a different OM. The only difference this time is that I know.

WTF happened here?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The longer I thought about it..and the further back I looked..I saw the storm brewing, but I do not think it was a storm of unmet needs per say...at least not the needs that have been outlined. I believe that the need that I failed to meet was enforcing my boundaries. Allowing my husband to sink deeper and deeper still into selfishness without putting up any genuine resistance. In short? I couldn't pick which hill to die on. None of the "issues" seemed important enough to take the gloves off over. Retrospectively I wish I had nipped it in the bud, even at the expense of the relationship. I wish that I had drawn my lines in the sand and refused to have my standards lowered. The lower he took us..the less I respected him [although I still both loved and liked him]..the lower I allowed him to take us..the less he respected me. Crushing. Ironic. No getting around it. I damaged my marriage by not offering to put my foot up his @ss. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Like you, following the MB principles, I should have an A a long time ago. And I realized that when I had given all that I could to our R/M that was as far as the relationship would go. She was either incapable or unwilling to contribute at all. And I see now that my inability/unwillingness to set boundaries greatly harmed our relationship.

But that said, I still maintain that she got out of our R exactly what she put into it.

And so I empathize with what you are saying, and wonder where I go from here. I am not exactly wired to "give up" on someone. But I feel like that is my only choice in this matter.

And what is the end result?

Not a fun place to be.

Thanks for putting words to my feelings.

Best wishes,
Ethan

WOW - Great Post

So many of us "walked on eggshells" afraid what setting boundaries "might" do..Damn we should have stood up right away and set those boundaries.

I 2 set mine too late - he was too far gone..

Yes, my EN were not met either - I didn't have an A - I found another outlet a healthy one - that was used as an exuse by my WH for his A..Funny, how it's never their weakness..

Now that some of us have set them - it doesn't matter to the WS - what our boundaries are..they are going to do what they want...

Thanks for the post - it reminds me that I wasn't the only weak spouse out there. Too afraid to make demands.

Noodle,
Your post also applies to us in some form of recovery as well. There are things in my M that "MUST" change, they simply must because I refuse to live with them as they are. What choice do you have except to act? If you voice your concerns and they continually fall on deaf ears then you must act on them. The constant reminding, nagging are what I consider LB's, but my action to make it clear that I'm serious about my needs in this M. My W still seems to live under in a state of mind that has hypnotised her into thinking she is M'd to herself and that her needs are the only needs that exist. If I sit back I run the risk of being unhappy forever, if I act and make some hard decisions I run the risk of a possible *D...Let me see? Unhappiness 4ever or possible D where I'd be unhappy, then possible happy??
I'll take the possible D, muchas gracious senora. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Waking up
Thank you Noodle
Thank you 10girl

Noodle,

know that in our situation..I am certain that I was not meeting every need that he had, exactly when and how he needed it..but I was trying to. I can't do better than that. I can also tell you, emphatically, that mine were not being met at all. If we follow the outline I should have been the one to have an aff

I do not know how this post got past me. I try to read EVERYTHING that you post. My admiration for your insight, writing ability and just plain common sense borders on worship. ( I am not worthy, I am not worthy).

When I came unto this site 5 and 1/2 months ago I was somewhat criticized for following my gut instinct and going immediately into a "Plan B". The more I read here the more I realize that I HAD BEEN IN PLAN A for my 8 year relationship with my spouse. I did everything within my power to meet her needs. Granted some needs were beyond me( If you really love me, don't let the sun come up tomorrow). I joke but not without a large measure of truth to that last statement.

I feel that the most important WS EN's are ones that they can not give themselves, either through ignorance, arrogance or psychological defect.

My M is over but I believe my self dignity has survived almost intact. That self dignity is what ALL WS 's lack. So logically if both members possess that deficit, any M or even an R can not exist in any substantive sense. I believe a lot of M's survive because one or both members is willing or actually desires that pathology to exist. The relationship may rekindle but unless both psyches are torn to their basic underpinnings, it may revive but it also has no future.

Like the Phoenix, it may rise from its ashes but even a superficial exam reveals it's true emu reincarnation.

Noodle....

I read this thread when you first posted it.

Like someone already said here....kick@$$ post!

Now that I have re-read everything here, it cleared something up for me.

I have been wrestling with "talking" to WH about my gut feeling that he is still in contact with OW. Cannot seem to find the words.

I MUST enforce my boundaries NOW (absolutely NO CONTACT with OW WHATSOEVER!!!! )

If WH wishes to commit to me and our M, he needs to SHOW me. I, too, cannot go on with my new found suspicious nature. I should not have to. This is so totally opposite who I really am.

Oh, YES! I can see clearly now what must be done and said. Like FM said, I may run the risk of a D, but with or without D, I deserve to be happy.

It truly is my call.

K

P.S. "Insert my foot up WH @$$?" I think I need to wear my brown shoes for that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

K

Noodle,

I totally understand. Look at my situation. Wife sleeps with 3 men in the time of 4 months. This had some but mostly not anything to do with unmet needs. We both had read HNHN and just back in Winter did the EN questionaire. I am dealing with a wife with a background that produced a very co-depentend person from an alcoholic background with emotional abuse and some physical and that resulted in severe body images/weight issues which had also lead to bolemic tendencies.

So here I am pissed at her parents for what they did and even if I met all of her needs perfectly their still would have been this severly wounded wife on the other side who someday would have snapped like she did. She basicall got to the point of saying screw everyone and what they think, I am going to meet my own needs and do what I want.

So here I am the faithful husband who has been through it all with her and supported her and I am the one who gets the crap beat out of me and its not fair.

3 sexual partners in 4 months that is not normal. And I planed A the whole time and it hurt so much. Even in recovery now it still sucks. No trust even though she has been great to me but I know she is thinking about the last guy at times and I just want to puke.

I am just praying one day at a time and that the Lord will get me through and our marriage better than ever and our boys with healthy mom and dad.

I just want to scream at her parents and say look what you produced and who is getting hurt the most, ME!

As you can see I am in the anger stage of this whole thing and not much by what she is doing is penetrating my heart because it is so wounded and bloodied.

As I read your post I can insert me as the author. NO MORE!!!
My H doesn't really socialize without me, except on the yearly Fing golf trip, but it's always what he wants to do and who he wants to be with. I have met all his friends and enjoyed going to parties, meeting in bars and having a blast with them.
I too have felt his disapproval when I met with my mother, sisters and other family members. I go to my family picnics with only my son. I've been to weddings alone. H couldn't be bothered; it wasn't his friends or his family. The selfishness all these years he displayed was the testing ground of what I would put up with.
This led to the ultimate betrayal. Thanks for putting it into words.

About a week after d-day I told h that he needs to be less selfish and I need to be more. About a month ago started cross training for a triathlon...yes that's right. 2 nights swimming, 2 nights cycling and at least 3 days running. I went on some job interviews for a more reliable income...I've been on commission for almost 3 years. Commission was great until this family crisis crushed my work ethics. Self preservation baby!

He's willing now to find more time to spend with me recreational and with my family & friends. I should have drawn to boundries a long time ago!

More power to you Noodle....how's the new bambino?

Re

I'm so GLAD this got boosted up!

If you don't already, you should definitely write for a living!

Wow! you have such gift!

Like you, I am finally seeing that, yeah, I can be civil, I can be regular and not yell at every turn, but I WILL NOT HAVE THAT OW IN MY LIFE!

My STILL WAYARD husband has bled my respect for him DRY -- as he wrings his hands and tells me how he worries about HER while I suffer him heaping the indignities of DAILY LIES, Spending OUR MONEY, and depriving me of MY HUSBAND!

I do love him, I do want to preserve our marriage --NO I WANT A BETTER ONE!!!!
- BUT -
I absolutely REFUSE to put up with this any longer!

He's had ONE AND A HALF MONTHS to make the decision to ACT LIKE A MAN.

Like good ol' Dear Abby used to say and it finally hit me:

~~Are you better off with him or without him?~~

To me, any piece of cr@p that can treat me that way needs to GO AWAY.

I might consider taking him back when he decides to treat me like the most important person in his life.

I'm ready. Either way.

Bassanio:
Sweet Portia
If you did know to whom I gave the ring,
If you did know for whom I gave the ring,
And would conceive for what I gave the ring,
And how unwillingly I left the ring,
When naught would be accepted but the ring,
You would abate the strength of your displeasure.

Portia:
If you had known the virtue of the ring,
Or half her worthiness that gave the ring,
Or your own honor to contain the ring,
You would not then have parted with the ring.
[Merchant of Venice]

I really like this particular bit. It gives form to something that I otherwise struggle to explain.

I know something about my husband that before I did not.

When the going got tough, he shot me in the back.

Does the reason really matter?

Notice how Portia isn't willing even to give consideration to his asserted good reason for having broken his word to her. She keeps her vision uncomplicated. Sharp. Effectively demonstrating her point. Bassanio may think he had good reason..but the truth of the matter is..that he esteemed his vow to Portia to be less crucial than lending aid to his friend. He made the promise assuming that nothing would ever challenge it. At the very first trial he fails utterly.

I think my H approached our M with this very same cavalier attitude that all is well..and all will forever continue to be well. That he would never have an unhealthy urge. That I would never disappoint him in any way.

I, on the other hand, know my darkest self and do not cower from nor deny its presence..I simply choose to overrule these impulses and thought patterns in favor of what I recognize to bear fruit for the life that I desire for myself. What keeps me from straying..is me. The worth of MY word. My sense of duty and obligation both smothers and sustains me.

I will be resisted heavily for this..however..I really do think that something is missing in the WS that is present in the BS at the time of the affair.

It is the absolute demand that they put on themselves to meet their own standards and refuse to settle for less merely because it feels good.

It is all about where our standards really lie. An alarming number of marriages are plagued by infidelity...this translates accurately that a large number of people..roughly 25% [if 50% of marriages suffer infidelity..at least 25% of the population is unfaithful] have made allowance for this.

Yet not for murder. Are we not all subject to anger as well? Why the discrepancy? I assert that it is because most people consider murder truly unacceptable and infidelity only sort of naughty and as a result fail to pull the lines in when something dangerous is tugging on them.

I will be the first to admit..that my standards for myself are D*mn high. Is there supposed to be something wrong with that?

The reason that I do not have an affair..is the same reason that I do not abuse my children or cheat on my taxes. That behavior is simply beneath what I can accept from myself and still be worthy of the respect that I am accustomed to being treated with.

I know that WSs are often people who have previously espoused these very standards..and the key word here..is previously.

When the value was challenged the WS was conquered.

So now I know this. I know that my H is weaker than I. I know the ache of the shot blast and now limp where once I strode.

Portias dialogue perfectly hits all three areas of concern..

If you had known the virtue of the ring..
The value of what you have given away
Or half her worthiness that gave the ring
Failure to know the value of and have respect for the person that you made your vows to
Or your own honor to contain the ring
You have proven you word to be worthless by discarding it for potential gain.

So the task at hand is..to eat my own words.

Cymanca quoted me that a person should never be protected from the realities of their decisions. This includes me. My decision was to stay in the marriage. The reality is that I now have knowledge regarding the strength of character present in my husband..and truly..I would not have married him if I had known then that this weakness existed.

My only hope lies in my educated diagnosis that this is indeed a weakness rather than a personality trait manifesting.

That what he has done is in fact OUT of character..not part of his character...if there truly can be such a division..after all..what can I do that is not a reflection of who I am?

Some things support this..but some do not..even I must admit that I take great risk in this endeavor. I risk my children as well. I admit also that what I stand to gain..is only the [censored] cousin of what I ought to be able to expect from my marriage.

Yet I have invested too heavily in this marriage to abandon it unless it is sinking. However, I now recognize it as a rather unseaworthy vessel hereafter and frankly I feel quite foolish. Let the buyer beware. I miss the relative freedom that I do not anticipate the return of. Cuddles and flowers will not keep me from looking over my shoulder.

Daily I fight resentment because I must keep to shore when I long for the open sea.

This was not in the brochure.

I want my money back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

--noodle

<small>[ October 27, 2004, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: noodle ]</small>

I studied the Merchant of Venice 24 years ago for a literature exam. I'd sure it would all have more relevance today (sadly). It's amazing how familiar the words were though. Thanks for that blast from the past! TT

Noodle - Great post. Sadly, I can relate all too well. Slowly and insidiously I've become a doormat and I allowed it to happen along the way.

I knew it wasn't right when it started happening, but I never talked about it or fought it. When I mentioned recently to one of my girlfriends that I "wasn't welcome" at company or other social events, she looked at me like I had two heads -- like why I would even let that happen ONCE not to mention the many, many times it happened.

GREAT POST!!!!!!!