BIJ, I hope you read my post. You better not go anywhere girl! I'm serious. As I said you have helped many people here, and we need success stories. Don't let one negative post drive you off of MB. THAT makes no sense. HUGS! CV

Oh boy, I kinda felt this would happen, it always does when I come out of hiding to start posting. I do believe that SOM was talking about the below post by BIJ! This did hurt me and that is all I will say. These sorts of comments really dont need to be said to anyone. Dad may not take them the same way as I do, but I take them hard. I may be a strong person, but I am so fragile on the inside and things hurt my feelings a lot.

I believe the reason SOM comes to my defense so quickly is because she KNOWS that I wont! I try to ignore the negative posts on here, but they do hurt me. I am hurting a lot right now with my dad, my son's and the events that have taken place with my H's A! My H is doing his very best to make this up to me this time.

The only things we can do is tell you what we are feeling and doing. Whether anyone believes it or not is up to them. Dad wants to post here and I will support him when he does, but the one thing I dont want is for Dad to get discouraged by posters who do mean well, but come across otherwise nasty at times. Dad wants the support, but it will have to be his ACTIONS that prove his love and win my trust back in him. He knows that. He is willing to do whatever to make this work. I do believe it!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedinjersey:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> above and beyond what I could ever imagine or I have ever seen any other WS do for their BS since reading these boards </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't believe I just read this.

But okay. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This did hurt me and that is all I will say</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be perfectly honest.... the statement that you made , that keeps getting requoted...HURT ME.

You made a comment that made me feel awful for many WS. Not just for my own FWS.

You STATED that D23B current actions were above and beyond anything you'd seen on these boards by ANY WS TO ANY BS.

Perhaps, and I will undoubtedly agree...his current actions are ABOVE AND BEYOND...his previous actions, but the latter of that statement....IN MY HUMBLE OPINION...is a little insulting to many WS here.

MANY WS on these boards give 150% every single day without faulter....and I applaud there efforts and their humility.

I was shocked by reading it. Like I said...in comparison to his OWN actions...it's a complete 180, but to compare it to some of the efforts made by a lot of WS on these boards, in fails to compare...and I don't want THEM to feel that they haven't gone above and beyond.

Now I'm going back to my little corner of the boards to escape this drama. My emotions over my OWN experience with the A get overly charged ..and I end up being a b#tch to my OWN H who hasn't done a damn thing wrong.

This thread isn't a good place for me...and in my own best interest of triggers...I'll bow out gracefully.

However.... like I said before...I've read some of these posts...and they've really whacked the H#LL out of Dad....and I never did...but I got the 2X4 ?

I'm bewildered by that.

It was condesending comments like:

"I can't believe I just read this.

But okay."

That you made betrayed that inspired my post.
Mom had an opinion, and you responded above.
If you feel that was supportive shame on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Redhat, I have no intention of starting a battle or throwing a tantrum. I was stating facts and the fact is you have a woman that could really use the support and is scared of comments like
"I am through with you" ! "you dont want your marriage" How dare anyone say that..
and if mom thinks Dad has gone beyond what she has seen or heard. Why does anyone have the right to be so condesending?
Well, they have the right because of the first amendment. But I go back to if they can't be supportive or they have to be so condesending why can't they read and move on, instead of being so cruel during a time of such turmoil?

Betrayed, sorry about your mom. You should really have empathy for Mom right now considering she is making these 6 hour RT's just to take her dying father to his appts, shopping for her parents making sure the house is clean
making sure the hospice people are doing their jobs. Returning home to tuck her boys in bed to get them ready for school the next day. I have spent hours on the phone with her to make sure she does not fall asleep at the wheel, since alot of her trip is out in the dark country.

Sorry If I seem defensive, but like I said Mom has some HUGE hurdles in front of her. I was hoping she could come here and get some support without people placing salt in the already gapping wounds.

CV, you are right My husband has not had an A on me. BUT I never said I had never expirenced A
I was married before. My first husband had a 2 year affair right under my nose, with a woman I considered a friend. We recovered without marriage builders and were married for several more years until other vices of my Xhusband finally wore on me. So I do have something to draw from.

I have said I am new (even though I have read for awhile). I do not know the personality of certain posters. It maybe a posting method of certain people to "shock" the person into listening. I am just telling you that the comments have hurt Mom.
She did not want to post, BUT she wanted to support dad because even though Mom asked Dad not to post here, He felt he needed too. It actually frightened her, kinda sad dont ya think?

I did not sign in to start trouble. In fact because I am not versed in MB I would have never signed in if Mom's fears were not being spilled all over here. She expressed her hurt regarding the comments made to her here. I guess I just became "over-protective" since this is such a delicate time now.
There are alot of ways to overcome infidelity. It is all about taking what works for your situation and implementing it.
I believe MB's is great because the whole concept of plan A is basically to treat people (spouse) the way YOU would like to be treated. And in the process regain your idenity. I LOVE that! Any marriage can benefit from that concept. That is why I have read here and have come back. Plan B has it's place too.

I am no expert. Just a friend. I will log back out. Dad is OK with the snide remarks. If they continue to bother Mom, I will just encourage her not to read here. She just does not need the added pain right now.

Opps
Looks like we were all posting at the same time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

StressedOutMom, sorry for my assumption that you never have experienced an A. What you wrote led me to that assumption.

Mom, I realized at the beginning of my personal nightmare that I couldn't control what my H did. Whether he would come back and do the work of recovery or not. It seems that you have a fear that Dad posting here might drive him right out of recovery. I have several different ways of looking at Dad posting. First of all it's his choice. If he comes here and is able to face the consequences of his actions, which is a result of many of us reading your painful posts all these months, I think that's a good thing. If he's not ready to hear some of the straight talk, he doesn't have to come to MB. That's OK too. My H posted for a while but wasn't able to take some of the comments in his fogged out state. Through IC, Steve Harley, and MB for me we have moved forward in recovery. Finally, if this site were to drive H back to OW that doesn't say much for his resolve, and the sooner you find that out the better. I truly hope he is determined now to be your H and a father to his boys.

There is nothing more for me to say at this point. I have cringed at some of the posts to you, but not on this thread. Over the months I have also seen many people give you love and support. But what I think doesn't matter, it's your life and your perspective that matters. As I've said, the main thing is for you to be with your father at this time. Always wishing you the very best! CV

Dear Mom and SOM,

To "hurt" or chastise over a comment such as what BIJ made is not only petty but childish in nature!

Her (BIJ's) comment in reguards to YOUR statement MOM.....how your H's actions went beyond any other WS's was only truthful!

SOW your reaction was "how dare you???"... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
It is almost laughable.

My question to both of you is this???? IF you don't want to hear opinions on your own comments and you protect "eachother" why not just keep your conversations to that.....the two of you?

You "both" seem happiest when it is that way anyhow...????

Co-dependancy is a very scary thing....might wanna check out a book or two!

My suggestion to you both: If you don't like hearing someones truthful reactions to your statements or questions....don't speak them or ask them......it's that simple.

BIJ....you did NOTHING wrong in voicing your opinion to a statement that relates to ALL WS's here.....how can that be wrong???

Forge on BIJ,
Blessings,
Atruheart

Mom has point blank said over the months that those comments hurt her. She has backed away and stopped posting. She comes back every now and then and takes another lashing. That is why I spoke up this time.

As far as her comment, she was NOT insulting other WS's she was just trying to let you all know without going into too much detail that Dad is really trying. Jeez

Atruhrt thank you for your concern over your fear that I maybe co-dependent.
I have managed some very severe circumstances in my life co-dependency is not one of them. I do appreciate your quick diagnosis, but I am a health professional my husband and brother are physicians. At this time in my life it is not a concern. If I find the need I will contact you for your "books" or find myself a group to help recover when the need be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Then again, my brother being a Psychiatrist is probably little more qualified than you to make such a diagnosis and qualified to guide me in the right direction. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I did read the other thread re: this NOT being a support board and everyone agreeing and of course another co-dependency dig <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
It's usually those that have co-dependency issues that are so quick to point out "their" idea of co-dependent behaviour in others "misery loves company".

Well the fact that this is NOT a support board but a "discussion" board seriously does not change the fact that MOM has asked those not to post to her threads that cant be supportive.
She has stressed that she was not in a position to do "plan B" and when her father took a turn for the worse it made it impossible.
The comments made to her were hurtful and she stated so.
It's a discussion board (not a support board, I stand corrected) with alot of "arm chair" shrinks, MOST with alot of knowledge and kind hearts willing to share their expirences even though it was very painful for them.
It is also public with the protection of the first Amendment, which means anyone has the right to say as they please. I just pointed out that it was hurtful to do so.

You all can gain up on the "new" girl on the block protecting a friend (or co-dependent as Dr Atruheart states) just trying to open an ave for her to be able to talk and post without fear.
I made a mistake, it just will not happen here for Mom.
If she posts Dads successes she will be blasted, If she posts Dads failures she will get "I TOLD YOU, YOU SHOULD HAVE _______"
My advice to her as her friend , would be stay away at least until she is stronger emotionally.

It is too bad that this thread has turned into such a cat fight.

Bottom line is that I believe we all are pulling for you M23B and D23B and we have all been following your story and cyberly riding your roller coaster along with you. I am sure we all look forward to your updates because we do care.

It has been painful for us to have cyberly witnessed your false recoveries but we all have hoped for your ultimate recovery. So that is why so many wanted to question D23B to get a better sense that he is truly serious this time. I want to believe that he really is this time. If not, well, he has me fooled.

Overall, I think all of our intentions have been for the best outcome for you both.

I hope how this thread had digressed doesn't stop you both from continuing to share your successes as well as your struggles with us all.

Once through this you both will continue to be valuable to others here at MB as you share from your own experiences so others may learn from you with the wisdom of hindsight.

You know you have lots of 'cyber' friends here along with the ones that have become real life friends. We are all pulling for you both.

wow is all I can say. I am fine with what anyone writes. I think if they are taking the time to read this then they have an interest in our situation and that can't be bad as long as it is not blatantly malicious. I have not seen that. Maybe I have thicker skin I don't know. I made it through my first day at work with barely a thought for OW. I called my wife 5 times OW zero. No desire to see or speak to OW. Wanted to come home to my wife all day. I reported all my whereabouts during our conversations so she could feel more secure. I feel a huge weight has been lifted I am not struggling to juggle 2 lives, this is so much better than the mess I was living. In a way I want my wife to bash me now for all I have done but instead she is happy that her husband is back. This is the honeymoon and I know later she will need to get angry again. I will keep doing the right thing no matter how pissed off she gets, It is the healing process.

Dad,

Your comments are so similar to what my husband said, too, when the affair ended. He hated the double life, living in fear of being found out, and most of all being a man who was a shade of his former self (and not an attractive shade at that!).

I am glad you are back to the real world. I think your idea that mom will crash after the "honeymoon" is right on. Anyone who has followed these boards since I began posting two years ago knows that I have had a regular reoccurrence of "why am I still married to this character?" And my H ended the affair on d-day (sorta.... long story). So be prepared to hang in through the tough times that are ahead.

Your present postings seem more genuine, authentic, so I am encouraged that you are finally getting "it." Hooray!!

Still, if experience bears out, there will be temptations. If/when an urge comes to contact OW, whether it is a fleeting thought or a real urge, PLEASE TALK TO MOM RIGHT AWAY and deal with it together. Radical honesty has been a key to our recovery and I think that of many others. I think it will work wonders for you and mom, too.

~ Snow

- edited for "fat fingers."

<small>[ October 11, 2004, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>