The subject line kind of sums up how I feel about everything right now. H is spending today with OW's family. Interesting how I found this out, actually... Called him up last Friday to tell him I had scheduled an appointment w/ a divorce mediator for today and he said he couldn't do it. Was real vague about why, considering we both know that he has nothing he usually does that he can't get out of. So, I knew it had to do with HER. Later he told me he was spending today with her because her father had asked him to help him build a garden (H works for a nursery and has a bit of a green thumb). I'm baffled as to why he'd rather spend the day with OW and her family digging in the dirt when he could be getting a divorce and make this whole stupid mess at least LEGAL.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. H has his priorities all out of whack (OBVIOUSLY), but it did buy me some time to think things through that perhaps I would not have otherwise had. I know I mentioned that I've decided not to seek a divorce... At first the decision made me feel calm and optimistic. Now it's doing the reverse... I feel anxious and afraid for my future. What if I'm pulling out of the Dv because I'm really just afraid of being alone? I had a horrendous breakdown the night that I decided to stop the Dv process... I prayed for guidance and what I got back was that seeking the Dv is wrong for me. It's not what I want, it's not what I believe in, it's not my place to make the decision anyway, since it's not my affair. H has to grow a pair of balls and seek it himself if it's what he truly wants, to put it bluntly.

But taking myself out of the process just means I'm leaving more of it up to H. I'm leaving the fate of the marriage in his hands, even though I'm trying to MB at the same time he's so unsure if he wants to be married. But the little signs keep standing out to me... The fact that he still wears his wedding ring. The fact that he's dragging his feet with the Dv. And while he said he couldn't go to meet with the mediator today because he's spending the day w/OW and her family (which definitely ranks high on the "Seriously Messed Up" list of things to do to your spouse), it looks like he's in no hurry to get a divorce, himself.

He's not a cake eater. He's not living at home, not making any emotional or physical demands on me, so I don't really stand anything to lose or gain by his actions. Well, maybe the separation is a big loss on my part... But he's not using me for anything right now.

I don't know. He may still file for Dv on his own, but only time will tell. But I'm alone and scared in the meantime. I just wish the part of him that loves me was a little more outspoken at this point. I'm not sure if he realizes he should be here with me, either, even if only on some deeply burried level. I don't know if he even realizes he loves me. I don't know anything right now.

I could have had this whole ordeal behind me if I'd kept with the divorce proceedings, but then I would have been plagued by the nagging feeling that I gave up too soon. It's only been a little over a month and a half since D-Day, after all. Things are still new and fresh and I'm still hurtling around in the void.

Some words of encouragement would be nice... Y'all are the only people who seem to "get it".

Hi, Sarah.

The hard facts.
You have been dealt a difficult hand. You are in for some pain, no matter what you decide to do about it.

How you deal with that pain and your situation (the catalyst of the pain) is what is important, even more so than the eventual outcome of the situation. What you are going through now, and for an as yet undefined period, is going to build and shape your character for the future.

Maybe you won't see this as encouragement although it is intended to be encouraging. Life for you is going to be hard for a while. Try your best to not look at difficulty as a means or reason to give up. Rather, look at it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

You are obviously an intelligent woman. I firmly believe that you have everything you need to get through this with a good outcome.

My daughter is 24 years old. I would give her the same advice, only with a really big hug attached, so here is a virtual one for you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Sarah}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Gimble

-duplicate deleted-

<small>[ October 07, 2004, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: Gimble ]</small>

SB,

I have the same problem. Always getting little signals that say WW is not ready for D, or that there is still some hope for our M. Those little signals are what keep me going! I have found that it helps ALOT to read as much as I can about this stuff. It helps me to be a better person, and it also helps with making these tough decisions. The people here are also a godsend! Although I wish that none of us ever had a cause to post here, it is a blessing that we can share our problems with each other. I am glad to hear that you are praying. It helps. Keep it up! If in prayer, you have felt that you should not give up, then don't! It will be hard, but we are here to help!
You have said that your WH is BP. But not on meds. Does he know he is BP? When I tried to convince my WW that she go see a Dr. she of course did not want to. I had to beg, then plead, then involve an in law or two too finally convince her to go. Now, I have to deal with her new friends saying that I am trying to change her, and OM says he loves her for how she is, and that I am wrong. I would gather you will probably hear the same things. It sucks, but if you remember, that your H is sick, and needs help, and you are helping him get it, because you love him, you can make it through. BP people are frustrating because they do not want to get help. I look at it like this; If my arm were cut off and bleeding, but I ignored it, you would probably find some way to convince me to get help, whether I wanted to or not, because you know it is hurting me. Whether I like it or not, and will probably be mad at you for it, is besides the point. I needed help. That is how I look at it. Don't know if this helps at all, but I will send a prayer your way.

LOL! HTF, I like your arm analogy. It's very true... Any rational person would see that they need medical attention but BP people are different.

To answer your questions, yes H does know he's BP. He was dx'd 8 years ago in his early 20's, when he had a major psychotic breakdown that actually wound up with him getting arrested (he was subsequently aquitted, no harm done). It was the wake-up call to his parents who always knew he had depression, but didn't know about the mania. He was on Haldol and Depakote for a very short while before he quit them and moved up here to where we met a few years later.

Currently, he's not on meds and hasn't been since he quit them all those years ago. Since he's not had any MAJOR manic episodes since that first one, he feels he has "control" over the BP and even questions whether he really is BP. He had some of the best doctors and psychiatrists in the state working with him (his parents are wealthy and very choosy) when he was dx'd, and he's classic as far as the symptoms go. But he still questions it. Says he thinks it was a "fluke" or a weird hormonal thing. In short, he's been very reluctant about considering medication for the most part. He kind of flirts with the idea and then does nothing about it. He told me recently that he thinks he needs to "consider going on medication" but I'm not sure how seriously he intends to persue that consideration.

I am fortunate in having the support of my MIL through this. She and I are very much alike (H used to joke that he married his mother, which I don't think is a bad thing considering she rocks) but she is also BP. She never knew it until she wad dx'd earlier this year. I guess she lived her whole life managing it, but now she says she's doing so much better than she has ever. The meds she's on are helping her so much. The both of us think that since she's now on meds, it might be easier to convince H to go on them too. We're hoping that will be the end result, anyway.

I never judged H for being BP. He was honest about it from the begining and I have always been patient and understanding. But these last two months have been such a strange journey... It's hard to believe that he's not undergoing some kind of BP episode (MIL and I talked two nights ago about this and we're both very concerned he's starting a manic episode). The trouble is that he's very rational and logical, so it's always hard to pin point any one thing as being BP because he's always got an explanation for it. And sometimes that explanation is that he's feeling "out of control" or "depressed". So, we know that at least some of this is BP-related.

Sigh.

It's tough. I'm praying. I'm trying not to get too frightened of the unknown.