Hello everyone,

Tomorrow it will be a month since I accidentally found out about what my husband had been up to. I posted a while back and really appreciated the responses I got. Quick recap: Fourteen months ago he started a new position in the sales division of his company that involved a lot of travelling. He began drinking (never drank before) and going to strip clubs with his co-workers. He had sex with a prostitute in his hotel room, and had e-mailed another to meet, though that meeting never happened. He spent over $10,000 at strip clubs (stupid me never looked at the credit card bill.) I was completely shocked, I had *no* idea, and am just devastated. I thought we had a wonderful life together, the kind of life that many people just dream of. If we didn't have children, I would have left him immediately, but we have three little ones and I just couldn't destroy their world that way. I can't tell anyone within my family because I feel they would just be too devastated and would never be able to forgive him or have any kind of relationship with him.
He is very remorseful and has been working very hard on both himself and our marriage. He has been to counseling once, and we have gone together once. He constantly reassures me of his love and we have been very close this past month. He promises that he will never do anything like this again, and has quit drinking entirely.
I'm not sure what I want to ask of you all, I just need to connect again I guess. It is so hard not being able to tell my mom and sister, the people I always told everything to. It's so hard to smile and try to act normal when I still feel like my heart is breaking. At times I feel so anxious, my mind is racing and my stomach is in knots, like I'm about to give a speech in front of a million people. I really do feel a bit like I'm losing my mind sometimes. Other times I feel like my heart is just so heavy in my chest, and it hurts to even breathe. My husband wants me to share with him when I am feeling bad, but I sometimes fear that he will get tired of me bringing it up all the time, and that my mistrust and fear that he will do it again will cause him to think "What the heck, she'll never trust me again", and go back to his old ways. I feel terrible about my body (pretty saggy after three pregnancies and breast-feeding) and can't help but think about him comparing me with all the perfect bodies he saw lap-dancing in front of him.
It is so strange to be going through the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and the only one I can talk to is the one who betrayed me and hurt me so terribly.

I haven't really responded to him with anger at any point, but I am a little afraid that it is coming. Like when I get past some of this terrible pain that I will lash out at him and start to hate him. Is that a common reaction? I feel like it would have a pretty negative impact on the progress that we have made so far, and the last thing I want is for him to become angry with me.

Sorry for the pointless rambling, I could just really use some words of encouragement.

Thanks,
A

Hi A,

First of all,I know your self esteem has taken a big hit from what your WH did.But make no mistake,there is NO comparison between you,a loving wife and mother to 3 children(HIS) and that of a woman who chooses to spend her time swinging her hips in front of and on married and non-married men's laps for money.Sorry if this sounds judgmental but in a way,it is,I know.To me it is declasse.I feel sorry for women who do this.I bet a lot of men love to witness this kind of thing but wouldn't dare bring home anyone to meet the family.

Anyway,I know you have chosen not to talk to your mom and sister about what you are going through but WHY???? You DEFINITELY need other's to talk about this with than just your WH.Please reconsider.

Also,about the anger.I had some pretty intense rage at my WH and at the homewrecker but that has subsided over time.I still have some moments but not nearly as much as I used to.It's a natural response to being hurt so badly but the key is in letting it out the right ways and not blasting your WH.You can certainly tell him that you are angry but LB's will only serve to push your WH away and into the arms of the OW or who knows who.Try to be diligent about not letting yourself go off on him,express yourself wisely.Not always easy I know.

You are still so early in this game,take it easy on yourself ok?

O