Well, here it is 9 days since D-day and I had my first screw-up, a major LB. WH has been out of town on business the last 3 days, supposed to come back tomorrow. Tried a few times to call him tonight (cell phone)with no answer, so called his hotel thinking maybe a bad signal out there (kinda out in the middle of nowhere) and they said he checked out today. kept calling his cell phone until he answered. this time I was MAD because I was SO sure he was with OW and had planned it all along. He had a very logical explanation and I'm pretty convinced he was telling the truth and he wasn't with her. But the problem is that I totally flew off the handle. He saw the "old me" tonight that he hasn't seen in a few months. Of course, I told him that this time my suspicions are justified since he did lie to me for a whole year and I would've appreciated it if he would've called me to tell me about his slight change of plans. I calmed down and apologized for flying off the handle and letting my emotions take over. I'm so afraid this was a MAJOR setback, though. I don't know what happened to me tonight. I'm so scared that I totally ruined everything. The ironic thing is that I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep until I heard his voice and now I REALLY can't sleep! I should've just left well enough alone. I can't believe I did this.

Don't worry.....your reaction is to be expected. The point is how did he react. His reaction to your panic attack is vital to see where he is in the recovery. After a few times the WS can be quite good at convincing the BS they are being good when they are really being bad. The point is that you shouldn't browbeat yourself.

Just let him know your trust factor of his is not where it needs to be yet and with his proper help you know it can be. This will show him that he is responsible to help you in the marital recovery.

Feel better now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

When I first apologized for "flying off the handle," he said, "oh, I'm used to it." Then he was going to hang up on me at one point but I convinced him to stay on the phone. I'm telling you, it was so the "old me." It was a total flashback. BUT the "old me" wouldn't have apologized, wouldn't have calmed down, would've hung up on HIM, would've been very sarcastic and wouldn't have spoken to him and/or been very snotty toward him for a couple days. I'm hoping I can "fix" this when he gets home tonight. I'm just afraid that all the "love units" I could have possibly been depositing the last 9 days were all withdrawn last night. But...in a way my "Plan A" was put into effect 4-5 weeks before D-day. We had already had the "I'm not in love with you anymore and I don't know whether I want to stay and work on things or not" talk. So I had been upbeat and cheerful around him, taking care of myself, let him see that I was more calm and patient with the kids, etc. Just no signs of affection or anything toward him (his request...while he "tried to figure things out.) Even when I found out about the A, during our talk I was "calm & collected" MOST of the time.

oh baloney....

the fact that you wigged out does nothing to detract from the FACT that he CHOSE infidelity....

people fall off the plan A wagon all the time...
padd your bums...dust yourself off and move on...

and look at the growth..
you acknowledge the re-emergence of old patterns and behaviors....how when doing them you KNOW it...and you will not take it to the disfunctional extreme you used to... I calmed down and apologized for flying off the handle and letting my emotions take over.

that's ALL any of can do...

you did good under the circumstance of such a trigger...

you can't trust him right now...
you should trust him right now....
and either he gets that...
or he doesn't it..

either he wants to alleviate your fears or trigger or he doesn't...

don't sweat this one...
you didn't set fire to his clothes...see there is always a positive... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ark^^:
<strong> oh baloney....
don't sweat this one...
you didn't set fire to his clothes...see there is always a positive... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ARK </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ITA with Ark! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I don't know you or your husband. I feel terrible about what you are experiencing, I suffer the same fate.

I'm not saying you WH is not being truthful, but you are not unreasonable to be suspicious and insecure in your marriage to him.

There are three things I have learned and know for sure about a cheating spouse's behaivor....

1. They Lie
2. They Lie
3. They Lie