</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by d_rose:
<strong> I have only came to this conclusion in retrospect and at the time I would have said the whole "love at first sight" or destiny thing was in effect. But I think that was just a way to place the blame outside of myself and attribute it to cosmic forces beyond my control....Since something bigger than me was directing it made it so much easier to keep living in the fantasy.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H just said something remarkably similar to that the last time I talked to him (big drama, can't be talked out of the divorce, is supposedly going to file soon, etc). He said "This is bigger than both of us, Sarah." Got mad at me when I disagreed. Threw down the "I'm not coming back to the marriage, deal with it" line at me.

I can't understand his actions. He looks like the same guy I fell in love with, but he sounds like a whole different person. Talks constantly about fate, soulmates, etc. He told me the day he decided he didn't want to work on the marriage (didn't even give me a heads up about that... What, I'm supposed to read minds, too?) the OW just magically emailed him and he took it as a sign that he's going in the right direction. He's been doggedly pursuing this "direction" for the last two months all the while slowly murdering me. Decided that his needs and wants supercede all others', mine included, EXCEPT for OW's needs. Her needs are top priority for him. Looks at me as a stumbling block towards the path to true happiness...

Blah blah blah.

Y'all have heard it before. I don't want a divorce, but I'm lately having to ask myself if I want to stay married to this selfish SOB who has taken over my H's body.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I can't understand his actions. He looks like the same guy I fell in love with, but he sounds like a whole different person. Talks constantly about fate, soulmates, etc. He told me the day he decided he didn't want to work on the marriage (didn't even give me a heads up about that... What, I'm supposed to read minds, too?) the OW just magically emailed him and he took it as a sign that he's going in the right direction.

My wife said the same thing about her OM. Soulmates, true love and put together by God were all reasons she gave me for her wanting to be with him vices me. She saw a psychic and she told her stuff about New York, coincidently OM is from NY so now we have God and the devil putting them together. How can I win when the forces of both good and evil have conspired against me.

He's been doggedly pursuing this "direction" for the last two months all the while slowly murdering me. Decided that his needs and wants supercede all others', mine included, EXCEPT for OW's needs. Her needs are top priority for him. Looks at me as a stumbling block towards the path to true happiness...

Blah blah blah.

Y'all have heard it before. I don't want a divorce, but I'm lately having to ask myself if I want to stay married to this selfish SOB who has taken over my H's body.

I think most BS are made to feel like a hinderance to their WS's happiness. This pisses of the BS, they LB and that gives one more reason why the WS wants to leave.

The slow plodding takes so much out of a person. When your spouse effectively "shuts off" towards you it's like death by a thousand cuts. Sefishness plays a huge part starting and continuing affairs.

You are still fairly new into this crap, it does get easier as you get stronger.

Has he made a decision that he has stuck to yet?

God Bless

Doug

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

No way. Sorry, a choice came to the forefront and he/she made it. He/she knew he/she was going in the wrong direction and despite it all, went there.

I've heard it too, "I didn't mean to, it just happened." Garbage.

Sorry. Don't buy it. Somewhere along the road, he/she felt the pull and didn't turn and run.

Love him/her anyway. They're just confused for now.

ustr

double?????

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Sarahbellem:

If you would have met my FWW during her affair ordeal and then met her again today, you would not even know they are the same people. It is like the devil completely controlled her actions during her affair and changed her entire personality at the same time. Once NC was truly implemented and a few months of slowly building back our relationship, it is like the devil has now flown out of her body allowing her to be her normal self again. It is like the successfully implemented MB plan is like an act of exorcism. Now my lovely wife doesn't even spin her head around a few times when she is upset with me. Maybe we should call Dr. Harley, Father Harley the devil buster.

As long as the most wonderful OP is in the picture, it is so hard to get them to reconnect with their spouse.

TooSoon

OK, here's a new one for you; Married very happily for 30 yrs. Had jsut celebrated our anniversary. I always thought my H was the best H a woman could wish for. He thought I was still attractive and fun to be with and we got on very well always.

We live in Asia and I was in our home country a lot with family problems e.g my motehr was dying of breast cancer. One day my H found a letter in our letter box. It was from an attractive, large breasted 26 yo Indonesian girl who lived in our building as a full time domestic maid. The letter was secretive, even stating it was a secret, and the girl was offering my H to get to know her better. My H took about 3 hours to follow her instructions to make contact. He had to stand at our window at 9pm and wave at her in her room - that he could see into from our flat.

The previous contact had been a casual conversation on our building shuttle bus when he was sitting next to her. He had mentioned the conversation to me as he thought the maid was doing a great job caring for a very disabled child. He had not considered the conversaton intimate or flirty. However she considered him a 50 yo who seemed to be a nice man, who she could play up to and get money from. She asked him for a large sum of money during the weeks that followed.

Nothing about my H's response to the letter was accidental obviously. He remembered her attractive face and even more attractive body and then he did some math in his head.... two and two makes five! He thought she was writing to him because she found him attractive. He could see no other reason why such a lovely young thing would write him a 'come on letter'. He thought he was being offered a lovely young body, on a plate, and I truly believe that until that moment my H had not considered unfaithfulness an acceptable way to behave. Many of the people that know us, have commented that my H was the last person they thought would be unfaithful and many people have commented on what a close relationship we had.

I guess the moral to the story is that it doesn't take much for a many to betray his wife. Actually a lot of stuff I've read here suggests that As start out innocent enough. A response to someone's smile can become a pleasant part of the day and that is looked foraward to. It can turn into a daily conversation over time. (still no harm in that right?) and then maybe coffee sometime. Nice person, so why not. Nothing wrong in having coffee with them. Coffee becomes lunch and at this point both parties know they are in deep, but the feel good factor is too strong to deny. From then on it's all out of hand. I think the accidental comment comes from the WS thinking they were going to control it and thought it was under control until the moment they realised that it wasn't. Having sex with the OP was an accident that they had told themselves wouldn't happen. But you and I both know that at the seat of their behavior was the will/desire to have sex with the OP. You have to wonder why they are so suprised when that happens!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by d_rose:
<strong>The way I felt about the OW would have been easy to control if I had chosen to. I felt the attraction growing and steered my actions to come in line with the feelings. My thoughts about the OW controlled how I felt about her. I let my mind wander with thoughts of her. My feelings grew because I chose not to control them, not because I couldn't.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D_rose, in this regard I agree with you and I understand what you’re saying... I feel the initial emotional attraction I experienced towards OM, were not something I could control, but I chose to feed that feeling and let it grow into deeper feelings by continuing to communicate with OM, have interactions with him and think about him... I made the mistake of thinking that as long as I could keep the communication and interactions “innocent” and only on a friendship basis (not any inappropriate actions or discussions), I would be able to control my feelings as well. Well, I’ve learned that things don’t work this way - I’ve learned my lesson the hard way and today I’m totally against any opposite sex friendships where the friendship isn’t part of the M and where the OP isn’t a friend of both the spouses as well.

Thanks for your response. It’s always good to listen to another perspective and give it some thought! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings,
Suzet

Anyname,

You situation does deviate a little from the "norm" around here. I think in cases like yours it says more about the state of the WS than it does your marriage.

I think I'll use your last paragraph in my autobigraphy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How are things now?

Suzet,

We're on the same page.

I’ve learned my lesson the hard way

Do you know where the easy way is.....I'm stumped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

God Bless

Doug

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooSoonToBeComfortable:
<strong> It is like the successfully implemented MB plan is like an act of exorcism. Now my lovely wife doesn't even spin her head around a few times when she is upset with me. Maybe we should call Dr. Harley, Father Harley the devil buster.

TooSoon </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it's not funny- but I couldn't help laughing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Seriously, though, I'm so glad that things are so much better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Do you know where the easy way is.....I'm stumped.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D_rose, I just think if books like “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass etc. or articles like this and the books of author’s mentioned in that article, would be required reading before couples are allowed to marry, there would be less people unwittingly setting themselves up for affairs... I certainly know if I knew about the existence of EA’s (a term I wasn’t familiar with until I join this website & forums) and all the information in the book and article mentioned above, I wouldn’t allow myself to form such a deep emotional connection with an opposite sex friend in the first place.

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 06:48 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Suzet*:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Do you know where the easy way is.....I'm stumped.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">D_rose, I just think if books like “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass etc. or articles like this and the books of author’s mentioned in that article, would be required reading before couples are allowed to marry, there would be less people unwittingly setting themselves up for affairs... I certainly know if I knew about the existence of EA’s (a term I wasn’t familiar with until I join this website & forums) and all the information in the book and article mentioned above, I wouldn’t allow myself to form such a deep emotional connection with an opposite sex friend in the first place. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True, We have required classes for everything else why not marriage?

We tend to have that "fire-and-forget" mentality when it comes to marriage. We hit the ground running and find that we got lost somewhere along the way. With every other major thing in our lives we are constantly performing maintenance to keep the important stuff up and running.

I change my oil and rotate the tires on my car. Have the HVAC system checked in my house. Spray for bugs and increase my "R" value by double digits. But for some strange reason it never occurred to me to do a little prevenative maintenance on my marriage. Didn't really think twice until it was about to die.

More of that "hard learnin" I am all too familiar with. I bet whoever said "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" learned the hard way too.

God Bless

Doug