My wife has moved out of the house and in with a divorced girlfriend. In the separation agreement she basically gave me everything. Our youngest son wrecked her car about 3 weeks ago. My wife now does not have transportation as we had already put the car my son wrecked in her name. Is it enabaling her A if I offer to buy her a used car? She has no job and no money.

Hopeful - If she has no job, she doesn't need a car. I would not offer her anything right now. Have you given her a Plan B letter?

Believer, I have the Plan B letter printed out and signed on my desk at work. i will take it home for her today. She looked so haggard yesterday, not her old self at all, but hse still that defiant attitude.

Hopeful -

Can you post your Plan B letter here, so others can check it out?

Please do not cushion her fall. That is what I did with my WH, and he is still living with OW. I made it easy for him, because he is basically a good man, and I did not want to hurt him.

Let your wife face the consequences of her "freedom". You can no longer be her protector. She needs to lean on OM for all of her needs.

If you want your wife to come back to the marriage, let her be on her own.

It is interesting that she let you have everything. I think that shows that deep down she does love you, and knows she is making a mistake. So stay strong, give her the Plan B letter, and see what her next action is.

There is a battle going on right now that you and I are not seeing. OM is going to have to decide if he is going to leave his wife and family. Your wife is going to have to decide if she is really ready to give you up.

Your best course of action is to stick to the MB plan. You have done very well in Plan A, and can do very well in Plan B. And remember, it is usually Plan B that brings WS's back.

Believer-the plan B letter is posted under the thread "Kicked he out". Melody Lane like it check it out and let me know what you think. I hope also that JL will give me his input on this matter of the car and the Plan B letter. Thanks for taking the time to post to me. It means a lot.

HINC,

I don't have the necessary experience to tell you what to do, and I am very inclinded toward listening to Believer. So please listen to what I am about to say with that in mind.

Was there insurance on her car? If so who got the money?

I ask this for a simple reason. When you separated part of it was that she got a car. It was wrecked through no fault of her own, and sure not while doing something to harm your marriage or family. IN fact your son wrecked it. So my inclination would be to get her another car, using the money from the insurance. Either she uses the money if she got it, or you use it if you got the money.

Plus, add what seems to be appropriate.

In the "real" world you would be honored for doing this. In her world, you will not really be acknowledged for doing it, or it will be felt as only "fair". So don't expect any credits for it.

But, the real issue is HOW YOU FEEL about this. I see Beleiver's point of view completely, but I keep thinking losing her car was in no way her fault and in fact it was your child's fault. She should not be punished for that. You would have replaced it if the car had been some strangers your son had wrecked, wouldn't you?

Just thoughts, no advice, I am sorry.

God Bless,

JL

JL, the car was insured for liability only which means to repair it comes out my pocket. To buy her a reliable used car seems to be the right thing to do. In other circumstances I would buy another car. So I will ponder your thoughts this afternoon as I play golf. I may offer to help her and she how she responds.

Hopeful - Sheesh, I can never disagree with JL because he gives such excellent advice consistently. I just seems to me that since she is stating she is moving to OM's city to be with him, that getting her a car will just enable her affair.

Although like JL says, it may be the fair thing to do.

I'm like you, always trying to do the right thing. Doing the right thing did not bring my husband back, but I do feel good about doing it.

Where are Pep and Mel when you need them???????

I did read your Plan B letter, and it looks good to me.

hinc:

How bout buying her a nice reliable 1960 Volvo, 1957 Buick Limited, or something along those lines. Definitely not a Miata or a Porsche.

I'm surprised when a WS offers 2 "not take anything" when they leave. My W offered 2 do that many times. I always countered that I'd give her half of everything, which meant we'd have 2 sell the family home. That usually changed her mind about leaving.

Anyway, I'd get her another car, but only if it's no big deal 2 you. Don't put any condition on your action. Don't expect her 2 thank you. Do it because you think it's the right thing 2 do, if that's the case.

-ol' 2long

HINC.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

If she let your son use the car, then she will have to figure out how to replace it. Do NOT countersign for a loan that she can not make payments on. Do not give her money. Do not buy her a car.

If the car was a part of the separation agreement, and if you let the son use her car, then ante up the money, give it to her and let HER buy the car.

She must take responsibility for her own actions.

If you want her home, she has to be able to experience real freedom, and all the responsibility that comes along with it.

I suspect that your 'bailing her out' repeatedly is partly to blame for the situation you now find yourself in.

I am not trying to be mean, HINC.

Gimble

I've been reading your posts for a few weeks. At this point, why don't you let OM buy her a car if she needs one? WHO put her in this predicament? Didn't SHE? When will she start taking responsibility for herself? You're her H, not her father.

Stop enabling and move on with Plan B.

C

Thanks for the replies. Some buy the car and some say don't. DS who wrecked the car was given permission by my wife to drive it. I think what I will do is offer to cosign a note for her and make the payments for a couple of months till she gets on her feet. The problem is if she decides not to get on her feet then I would be stuck with the car payments. If swe can but a good used car for say 5-8K, it wouldn't be a big deal but to go for 20k car would be. I am torn and still undecided. What do you think of my idea?
By the way she did not call here today and neither did the OM. So his number was not on my caller ID which is a relief for me.

HINC,

No he will be calling her where she lives. As for the car has she asked you to do this? Has she offered to put some of her money up for the care? She presumably got her retirement money? She may just need some solid transportation in that case an 8K car will do.

I would NOT co-sign with her. I would offer to give her the money to buy it or put a down payment on it and let her handle the rest.

On the other hand if she has not asked, I would not bother. It is up to her to ask.

Hope you have a good weekend.

God Bless,

JL

JL, She asked earlier in the week, before she left, to cosign a loan for her and I refused. Now I think helping her get a car is the right thing to do because it wasn't her fault that DS wrecked her car. This could be just my faulty logic and my desire to help her. That has been my role for 30 years, getting her out of jams and saving her from her mistakes. Maybe helping her now is the wrong thing to do but I think I should at least offer to help her.

I'm still torn. It seems to me that you will be continuing to help her while she continues to disrespect you. I think I would just give her the Plan B letter, and let it rest.

How far away does OM live? Would she drive there?

Believer-OM lives about 1200 miles away. Two of her sisters live about half way so it's a 2 day drive. She likes to have wheels. I haven't made up my mind what to do. I will give her the Plan B letter next time I see her. I think I will be just quiet this weekend and ponder what to do.

HINC,

I guess I am a bit of a sap as well. I think if this turns out to be the last thing you do, it should be a nice thing. I realize that "no good deed goes unpunished" and that seems to be true in the height of an A, but I really think it would be good for you to leave this on that note. I would NOT sign a note, but I would give her enough money for a down payment or something or perhaps a cheaper car. You cannot plan B if you are co-signers and she defaults. You cannot trust her that much is clear.

Plus, I do think you will be able to look your children in the eye and know the last thing that happened was you trying to help her a little bit. I don't view this as helping her A because if she decides to stay where you are, she will need one, and if she goes and decides to come back she will need one.

I know it is just me, and I realize that Believer and others are probably right, but one can be foolish <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> one more time can't they?

God Bless,

JL

JL, I am a sap too. I think I will call her tomorrow and offer to help her. But not tonight. Let her sweat another night. Who knows maybe OM will cough up some dough.
I do want to go out on a high note.

HINC,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do want to go out on a high note.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ya, know I think this statement is very important. You have come to acceptance in this thing, and that is very good and very healthy. You are indeed going out of this marriage, whether it is permenant or not. It is good to see this and accept it, because it will make future decisions clearer and simple, if not easy.

You are doing well, HINC. I won't be around this weekend got some work to do, some golf to play, and somethings to do around the house. I hope youhave a good weekend.

God Bless,

JL

Have a good weekend JL-shoot low scores on the golf course, watch a little football and have some fun