Last night I realized that my husband does not respect me nor my feelings. We had gone out with a few friends to a festival and he had a few drinks and socialized with people all evening. I spent the evening sitting with my friends. Not once did he come over to check on me or talk to me until it was time to leave.

It was probably not the right time for me to confront him since he did have a few drinks, but on the way home, I told him that it bothered me that he did not spend even five minutes with me during the evening. He called me insecure. I said that I do not feel insecure at all about us, but I would have like to spend a little time with him talking, enjoying the music and food. He got very angry (probably fueled by the drinks as well...) and he called me a f***ing a**hole b*tch and that I was stupid and insecure. I felt like someone had taken a knife and cut me open and I just felt numb.

I realize my mistakes now and that I enable a lot of this behavior. I'm a "safe" girl; I'm always available, I care (not only for him, but for family and others as well) and I always and always put myself last. People like me do not get respect, not from their partner, friends, family or co-workes. People like me get used and walked all over. It is okay to curse at me because how dare I speak up for myself and let my feelings be heard.

I realize that my husband does not respect or value me and it's probably my own fault because I LET him. This is what I have been taught as a child and a young woman. I've been taught to shut up and suck it up. This is what the women in my family have done for centuries.

I don't know how I'm gonna do this, but something inside of me cracked last night. I am still young and I'm gonna have to figure out a way for myself to have a better life. Last night, I thought about what it would be like to have a daughter. Would I pass the same values on to her? Would I want HER to lead MY example?

I think that respect is at the core of any human relationship and I think that up to now, I've failed miserably.

Kati

Me BS 35
Husband 45
M 14yrs
DDay Aug 2003

<small>[ October 08, 2004, 09:31 AM: Message edited by: Kati ]</small>

Kati, i cannot express my thoughts as well as you can but you are not a failure. how were you supposed to know that things would be the way they are? had you ever been married before? no. i'm more concerned w/your feeling of regret. because (i'm speaking in general terms here) that's what we BS wants is to behave in a manner that we can look back and not regret what we have done during this time. it seems like you are feeling that way and if that's true then i really think it's time for a change.

i know you just posted this and are still processing everything that has transpired recently but it has been said before that if what you are doing isn't working then it's time to try something else. you are young and very full of life. of course we are all concerned over the continued disrespect your H has been showing you for minimally a year now (dday in aug 03). but i know he keeps giving you slivers of hope to like suggesting counseling. i'm not sure what to say but just wanted you to know that i think of you often, greatly appreciate all the words of encouragement and want only the best for you.

prayers to you, RR

p.s. i'm really think a trip to see your family is in order.

RR,

funny that you mention my family because I will be leaving to see them in just a couple of weeks. i just booked my trip. i'm really looking forward to it because i've also been very homesick.

thank you for writing back regarding my post about last night. i stayed awake all night and i thought and thought. disrespect seems to be something that follows me in all paths of my life, not just my marriage and i'm afraid to say, but i think that it happened because i allowed it to happen. it was easier to hide behind a timid facade of feelings, rather than confront the people who hurt me.

i've let this control my entire life. last night, i was thinking about my dreams and what happened to them? what did i let happen to them? why did i give up on ME? how did this ever get so far??? why is it that people think it is okay to put me down and hurt me? and it is not just my husband...

i have so much anger inside of me sometimes and it feels like i'm going to burst.

i have such low self-esteem and sometimes i feel overwhelmed and i don't really know where to start to make things better.

kati

Kati - Are you able to talk to your H about this today? The things he said to you are unexcusable in any circumstance. Even if you were stupid or insecure (which you are NOT), no loving H should say these things to their W. Statements like these are not productive and have no place in a M. And having a few drinks in him is no excuse so don't let him off that easily. This sounds like a symptom of a larger problem, that needs to be dealt with if you are going to have a happy M. Is your H willing to go to counceling?

Kloe,

I spoke briefly this morning with him about it and he seemed ashamed and embarrassed. He told me that he loves me and he said that he was sorry that he said those things. But you know, the problem is that this is really not the first time that he has lashed out at me like this. I know that there are larger problems in our marriage; problems that led to the affair.

He says that he wants to go to counseling, but it is all words, no actions. I want HIM to pick up the phone and choose a counselor and set up an appointment etc. because only THEN it would show me that he is really seriously interested in improving this marriage for the better. If I continue to pave the way for him and us, then it will always be like this... It's always ME making the first step. I want HIM to do it this time. Only then will I honestly know how much this really means to him.

He says he wants this M, he does not want D, he loves me etc. It's all the right words, but the actions do not match the words.

Kati

Kati-

Because you get little or no respect, you can't blame yourself like that. You find it difficult to express your hurt and anger...that's something that a lot of people need to work on, but it doesn't give ANYBODY the right to trample on you or take advantage of your weaknesses.

I agree with Kloe--NOBODY deserves name-calling like that...it's verbal abuse. Period. And can be just as if not more damaging that physical abuse.

Care for yourself, Kati. It's hard to do when you are as caring as you seem. I'm the same way. I put up and shut up when I wasn't happy with my husband's lack of emotional need-meeting b/c a) I got sick of bringing it up and b) I was afraid of his temper. So what did I do? Something stupid and foolish...went and had an A. Rather than facing my issues, I ran away from them and tried to fix them with someone else. Not saying that if things are fixed within yourself, that that kind of behavior is inevitable for you...not saying that AT ALL. But that can be the worse-case scenario.

Sounds to me that when you were out and your H didn't give you the time of day, he was not meeting your emotional needs. And when you tried to tell him so, he tried to invalidate that need to have attention. Your needs are valid and should be met.

Hope this provides you with some insight...take care of yourself...

Rae

Hi Kati-

On the subject of respect -

I can really relate to this as I was (am) a lot like you. I feel like a lack of respect has been a lifelong issue in all my personal and romatic relationships. Never really knowing what is acceptable treatment from others and what is not.

I'm okay (not great) professionally as the dynamics in my office demand different approaches with my office staff as with my family and romantic relationships. So not too much problem with respect at work but still sometimes a struggle.

I am working hard on this issue of respect since I have come to marriage builders. It's a process but once you have identified it you can work on it.

I read whatever I can find on the subject & listen to people here as they broach the subject of respect for oneself (and of boundaries).

One thing I have learned is that people respect you in direct proportion to how much you respect yourself.

I am very interested in other replies to you on this subject as I too still have so much to learn and to put into practice.

Good luck Kati!

Thank you, Rae. Your message made a lot of sense. My husband does not seem to understand that last night, I did not want to keep him from enjoying himself with his other friends, but I sat at the table alone most of the night with my friends and their husbands and once in a while people would ask me where my husband was. I'm not clingy nor do I feel insecure just because he does not sit with me the entire evening. I would not expect that, but I rather wanted to spend a few moments with him listening to the music, sharing a glass of wine, dancing etc. I feel that it is absolutely reasonable for me to expect this from my husband. I didn't see the other husband's away from their wives for the entire night.

I did get asked to dance a few times and I accepted and it was fun, but once I had to break off the dance because the guy started feeling up on me and he said that I was "hot" and one other guy kept asking for my phone number which of course I did not give to him.

My marital vows mean a lot to me and I am not easily tempted by a smooth talker, even an attractive one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I do have to admit though that I enjoy a man who is a good communicator, confidant and strong. Someone who can keep me interested, who shares a passion for life and a caring for living beings. I have once met a man like that and I have to admit that I thought about how life would be on side of someone like that, but I would never react on it, especially if it meant to hurt innocent people around.

I've never had anyone that I could lean on really. I've never had anyone take care of me, not that I expect it, but I admit that there have been times where I longed for this feeling to have someone there for me unconditionally.

I've always been in a caretaker role, whether it is with family,friends or even my husband.

I suspect that I naturally fell into this role because this is all that I've ever been exposed to in my life. Any uprising on my part of going against this was quickly extinguised and I guess I sorta gave up trying.

I still have dreams though and there has got to be a way out of this mess for me.

Kati

Weaver,

This is where I guess my main problem lies. I don't seem to respect myself, therefore others won't respect me. I respect my body, I take care of it, eat right, exercise and I look great (at least according to other's... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ), but I neglect and seem to disrespect my emotional wellbeing. I'm very timid in nature and I tend to be shy and quiet. Only in the recent year has it improved gradually, but still minimally. I have managed to get people out of my life who were dragging and putting me down. I try to pick my "friends" a little more careful now. There is a book by Bill O'Reilly that is called "Who is looking out for you?". I normally do not care very much for O'Reilly other other newscasters on the Fox News Channel, but this book made sense to me and sadly I realized that nobody is looking out for me, not even myself.

I don't really know how to approach all this yet and I guess it will be a process and I'm asking for guidance on how to be a better me.

Kati

sorry kati...

but you set your husband up...if your story stays the same....as you first told...

from your husbands side he may well say..

wife and I went out last night..
lots of people there we both know...she left me went off with her girlfriends...never came over to me...
never came to my side...never once came and checked on me....

then on the way home accused ME of ignoring HER!!!

but I would have like to spend a little time with him talking, enjoying the music and food.

then invite him to do so..if that's what you want..
he's not a mind reader..may have thought you were perfectly happy with your friends....
and thought you were enjoying yourself...not watching him fail...

too much game playing
too much posturing...
too much waiting for the other to fall and the other to pounce..

you want to spend time with your husband..
leave your friend and go do so...

I don't mean to be harsh...but you set him up..

ARK

{{{{{{{{{{{{kati}}}}}}}}}}}

hugs to you.

i know it's kind of off the subject but how long will you get to visit your family? i think a visit like that will allow you to remove yourself from the situation (take a step back) and take a deep breath and allow you to make the choice that is right for you. even if you don't really talk about it w/your family, you will be in a loving atmosphere and one that will allow you to feel good about you and the more of this the better.

there are pros and cons to everything kati. i think i had too much respect for myself and i made myself a priority in our M and not our M or my H and hence a lot of the problems we had.

i know you know that all of the apologies in the world don't mean a thing as long as words are not followed by actions which you have alluded to. again, i think a trip would allow yourself to gain some additional perspective and clarity and i know you won't do anything in haste. but you've been thinking about things for a long time and you are a strong person and i know you'll be victorious in the end.

continued thoughts and prayers, RR

Ark,

I did go outside on several occassions where he was standing with the guys drinking and smoking and I asked him if he'd like to come inside and have a bit or dance with me. He didn't. I stayed outside with him for a while to join him with his buddies, but the cigar smoke and the cool weather was too much for me. That is why I asked him to join me and the other couples inside for a while. I then stayed inside for the remainder of the evening with my friends.

My husband seems to think that I want him by my side because I want everyone to know that we are a couple, but this is not so. Our friends already know that we are a couple and I'm not concerned about this. All I wanted is to spend a little time with him.


I do not feel that I set him up because on several occassions during the evening did I tell him that I wanted to spend time with him.

I brought up the subject during the ride home and it was a mistake because at that time he had consumed several drinks and he became confrontational and angry and that is when he shouted out the obscenities at me.

I'm glad though that you brought this up because when I reread my original message, I can certainly understand why you wrote this response to me.

Kati

RR,

I will be gone for about three weeks and it's something that I really need to do. I haven't seen my family in two years. I miss them.

Kati

Kati-

I don't think you were game-playing, but that's my opinion. Just the way your husband reacted when you did tell him in the car was enough---what kind of scene would he have made had you mentioned this to him privately AT the party?

There's a good book called BOUNDARIES...can't remember the author, but it is good.

Have fun with the fam.

Rae