Greetings Everyone,

I just reread the QA about Plan A and B again. After reevaluating the situation between my WW and myself, I am unsure with what I am to do. We are 2 1/2 hrs apart by her choice. She says all of the time when I bring it up that she doesn't love me anymore, zip, zero, zilch, nothing. Now and then though, I sense the love she once had for me, buried under the fog.

From what I have been reading about Plan A, it would seem that my goal is to get her to live with me again, get her to cut off contact with the OM, deposit love units, and avoid LB until she falls in love with me again. I don't know how to do that with the distance between us, her saying she doesn't love me, her reluctance to speak on the phone, or to visit with me for very long. I try to talk to her everyday, but she acts like its pressure. The OM is in jail, and she is waiting for him. Her sister kicked her H out, and is having an A, so is of course supportive of the A my W is having. I have been giving her poems, been avoiding angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, etc.

Should I avoid telling her that I am a changed man, who will never do the things that contributed to the marriage? I hardly see her, so I can't show her that I have. She told me before making me move out that she thought I was just sucking up to her, and faking it. She has no faith in me whatsoever.

Should I tell her I love her, everytime I talk to her? That I miss her? I tell her these things all of the time. I think its making her feel pressured.

Should I keep pressing for the truth to everything that she does with the OM? Or how she fell out of love with me? She tells me truths, a little at a time. Usually, she acts angry or annoyed, and asks "Why do you want me to say things that will end up hurting you?" I tell her "I must know the truth, no matter how much it hurts. It hurts just as much, if not more to not know".

Her birthday, and our anniversary are in December. How should I deal with those days?

Once I know how to approach Plan A properly, I will immediatley go to Plan B in a few months, if I can tolerate it that long. I do love her, very much, regardless of the A's, and the other bad decisions that she has made recently. But three years of our relationship being pretty bad, with only occasional moments of happiness and contentment, I am almost out of energy...

Plan A can be done from a distance, in some ways it's easier, some ways harder. Easier because you won't be subject to the constant pain of the A happening right in front of you. Harder because the opportunities to show your changes are few and far between. Keep reading here and posting and you will get the advice that you need.

Here are a couple of my thoughts. First, stop telling her that you love her, and stop all relationship talk. When you talk to her, have light pleasant conversations. Right now, she doesn't want to talk to you because the converstaions are unpleasant. If you see a funny e-mail, send it to her with a note that says, "thought this might bring a smile to your face." Be consistent in your actions, in the end actions speak louder then words.

Use this time apart to work on yourself. Have you identified the problems in your R prior to the A? What are you doing to change? Have you read Surviving an Affair? His Needs Her Needs? Make sure you are taking care of yourself, get enough sleep, eat right, exercise.

Keep reading and posting and everyone here will help you through this time.

Dimmu-

This dude's in jail and she's waiting for him?!?!?! Serious fog...y'know...the kind where you can't see a foot in front of you?

Have you read Surviving an Affair? I'd suggest to do that to give you a more complete and thorough idea of what to do. The book says that most affairs die a natural death...at some point. Everybody's time table is different...you W's in some seriously thick FOG.

B/c I'm a FWW (yes...yuck on me)I can't give the absolute best advice...not very experienced as some of the others who post here. But I'd also read other posts...b/c there are many that provide good advice to similar situations to yours.

Plan A is hard. My H gets VERY crappy with me and sometimes I want to bite right back. But I bite my tongue and realize he's angry b/c of my actions. She's angry--perhaps not b/c of yours, but for some reason. Plan A requires patience.

It sounds as if the fog may lift over TIMe...that's the hardest thing to deal with I think.

Keep reading...

Rae

Everyone on these forums has some very helpful advice, thank you. I sure need it, as I feel so lost.

I will try to stop telling her I love her. She is expecting this poem in the mail though, and I wrote a note with it that mentions my love for her. I guess I should hold on to it?

I have been trying to change back into the man I used to be, not the dark, angry one that I became after my W's first A. I can look back and see how I handled the situation led my W and I to this point.

I get about 5 good hours of sleep a night. I have a hard time falling asleep, even when tired. It has been an exhausting and stressful past few days. Its getting better though, a little each day. My family supports me, but not any sort of reconciliation with my W, now or ever. They pretty much hate her. This is the second A, so they think she'll never change. All I have are these forums, and they are helping a great deal.

My W is supposed to call and talk to me and the kids later. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should say? I'm thinking of just "How has your day been so far?", "Do you have anything fun or interesting planned for the rest of the day?" And then just talk about the kids, my plans for the day, jobs I'm going to be applying at next week, etc. At least I don't feel as nervous today, as I have over the past few days about her calling me. I also got a good night's sleep last night, for the first time in a few days. Maybe I'm starting to deal with it all a little better.