I was unfaithful to my BF last year. He found out six weeks ago. We have been working together on understanding what happened and how to ensure it never happens again.

We are both 22 and love each other very much, having spoken about living together and marriage on several occasions.

We have been a transcontinental long-distance relationship (spending less than 20% of your time physically together) since our beginning nearly 2 years ago.

I have committed myself to changing my ways (ie: being extremely sorry for what I did, adopting permanently the concept of “radical honesty”, making him know my needs and listening to his, etc.). He in return has acknowledged my efforts and thanked me for them. However, he is having great difficulty regaining trust in me. I understand completely since many times during the relationship when he was suspicious I have “promised” that I am telling the whole truth or “promised” not to let something happen again and I have failed. The fact that I KNOW I have changed (in part because I no longer carry the enormous weight of my lies) and taken extraordinary precautions to ensure that it doesn’t happen again is not as easy for my BF to be sure of…especially when presently I find myself once again abroad…in the same country where I committed the unfaithful acts.

So what does he need to trust me again? He say, “To get married in the next year”. He feels that until he knows I am committed to marrying him he cannot begin to make himself emotionally vulnerable to me again.

Next year we were planning on living together. I had reservations about doing so and have recently expressed them to him. I feel I need the commitment that marriage brings with it before living with that person.

So, should we get married?

Any other ideas on being able to regain trust before that, given our difficult situation of being apart?

A WORLD OF THANKS!

Oh no, you should not get married. At least not for some time. Marriage is not the solution to relationship problems.

He just found out that you had an affair 6 weeks ago. It takes usually 12 - 18 months for a marriage to recover from an affair. It will take about that long for him to feel like he can trust you again.

And see, you compounded the crime by lying to him about it since last year until you told 6 weeks ago, so he is right not to trust you. He has much more to overcome than an affair, he has to overcome months of deceit. Trust can't be rebuilt in 2 months, you are looking at least a year.

Thanks Melody. I appreciate your post.

So, he is asking for marriage (scheduled for July 2005) in order to begin trusting me as he so much desires right now. His rationale being that if I am not committed to marrying him then I might fall back into my old ways .

I know that with or without the promise of marriage to him, I will not fall back. I also know that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

He desperately needs a show of committment from you to undo the fallout of this affair. What he doesn't understand is that he would be crazy to commit to someone he doesn't trust. He is taking the risk here, not you.

Personally, I don't think y'all are ready for marriage. What do your parents say? Do they know about this?

Can you send him here to talk to us?

P.S. just saying you will be good in the future counts for very little, even less from someone who has had an affair. What counts is a demonstration of trustworthy behavior over a length of time.

I understand completely. In fact, I am not expecting him to trust me for quite some time. I expect those questions like "Were you in contact with anyone?" for quite some time...for the reasons you mention.

I do, however, feel a deep need for affection from him. It would help keep me sane and add strength to my commitment.

I understand how difficult it is for him to give it to me when he cannot trust me.

I continue giving it abundantly.

Thank you for your words.

I will let him know about the opportunity to come and post.
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Some background: The plan he envisions is:
aprox. July 2005: getting the marriage liscense
aprox. July 2010: having the wedding.

His parents, happily and wonderfully married for about 30 years, did something very similar.

The marriage liscense gave them the commitment they needed between each other until they could celebrate the wedding once they reached financial freedom, etc.

I realize I am asking for some real "out of the box" thinking here. We are an "out of the box couple". I do of course realize, though, that somethings must be regardless of how "in" or "out" of the box you are.

Neither set of parents is aware of our situation. I am not going to reveal my infidelities to my parents and my boyfriend is not going to put his girlfriend down by sharing my infidelities with his family.

We suspect that neither set of parents would object completely to our decision.

Thank you for your time.

P.S. - I have not been unfaithful for well over a year. He is also aware of this because of the way he found out about my infidelity:

When he began to distrust me in January of this year he began reading my emails (I had given him my password, trusting he would only use it the one time he needed my account for some business). He did so everyday for 8 months looking for some proof of unfaithful behavior until I received an email from one of the guys I had been unfaithful with. I wrote back to the guy saying I did not feel comfortable receiving emails from him given what had happened between us and the guy replied saying I should be ashamed for not having told my boyfriend. That night I received a phone call where my boyfriend revealed what he had been doing and how awful he felt for his actions, but that his worst fears had been confirmed. Shortly afterwards I confessed ever inch of my past...from my first kiss to the present.
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I am aware that the long period of time that I waited to confess compounds matters.

I am also aware that I must continue to maintain my clean record. Reaching the one year marker of not being unfaithful to a boyfriend was a big deal for me as it was a first. I had always been unfaithful to my boyfriends in the past, it had become a pattern for me with addictive consequences. I am not proud of my past but I am very proud of my achievement of one-year and how wonderful it has made me feel about myself.

I look forward to continuing with that forever. Appreciating this site, rttm.

Does your boyfriend know your entire history? I have to tell ya, rttm, if he were my son, I would tell him to run for his life and I would tell you to get some counseling to address the emotional problems that have led to your blemished history.

I don't know you, rttm, but I do know that you have basically led a deceitful existence up until 6 weeks ago. 6 weeks is not a life changed nor is a decietful person good marriage material.

Why would you get the marriage license and not get married? Doesn't that show a lack of committment? A license is a meaningless piece of paper unless the marriage is executed.

Originally posted by rttm:

So, he is asking for marriage (scheduled for July 2005) in order to begin trusting me as he so much desires right now. His rationale being that if I am not committed to marrying him then I might fall back into my old ways .

I think what he is requesting is fair. This is what he wants / requires from a life-partner.

He has a right and a responsibility to lay his desires and his bottom line before you.

I know that with or without the promise of marriage to him, I will not fall back.

Not "falling back" is not the issue. The issue is ---> he wants to be married. Do you?

I also know that he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

All you need to do is to decide if you can, in good faith, and with 100% enthusiasm agree with what he wants, which is ---> marriage.

It's actually a "yes" or "no" situation for you.

Make up your mind and then follow through.

Do NOT say "yes" unless you are 100% certain that you TOTALLY agree that being married to HIM is what you want for the rest of your life.

This is what is known as a "2-choice dilemma".... choose based on your needs, desires, integrity, values... etc. Do NOT choose based on fears or coersion of any sort.

Pep

PS...

I think 22 is too young to get married for many people. Not enough life experience to make this decision.

If I were your Mom, I would ask you to wait 3 or 4 more years to get married.

A person your age if often still finding themselves, looking for their way in the world.... especially men at age 22 .... they change a lot over the next 5 years.

Good luck in your life! There is no rushing maturity... it just sneaks up on you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Pep

rttm-

Coming from a FWW and someone who dated, engaged, and married my H within a year and a half...my advice would be to wait to be married. Are you engaged yet? Maybe a compromise would work with him. Tell him you'll be engaged to him for however long it takes to be ready to marry him. That's a committment...a promise. Get help before you marry...take your time. You're only 22!!!! I am only 26 now, but I am radically different than when I was 22. I know everybody's different, but work on your relationship before you marry and have to work on your marriage. My H and I rushed through everything. Don't get me wrong...I'm thankful for him and believe with every bit of my being that we belong together...but we didn't get to know each other as much as we should've. I think that had we worked on our relationship and waited to be married, we would still be together, but would be much better together.

Hope this helps. It's great that he still wants you, I think. Trust is something that is gained little by little over time...lots and lots of time.

Rae

Thanks to all who have replied to my post. We have read and discussed what was posted and after applying each thought to our own individual situation, have decided to continue with the plan to get married. I will let you know if there are any grand new developments.

Best to all! rttm.