Friends you all touch my heart so deeply.
I will respond to each one of you soon, I'm so floored by your words, suggestions and insights. I thank GOD for your support, and I apologize for my quick tongue Pepper, I'm in so much pain sometimes its almost unbearable, I know that you all mean well. Here goes the water works, thank you all so much!!!

Dear Family ~

I just had to reply to you, although I don't post rarely these days.

I have suffered from depression in the past - a 2 year clinical depression that hurt my husband and my children terribly. This happened 5 years into our marriage, long before his affair.

Pep is really truly right. Her depression is not about you, nor about OM. It is about losing herself.

In this state, she is not capable of loving you. She is not witholding anything from you. She literally has nothing to give you.

During the time I was depressed, and for sometime while I was recovering, I used to tell my husband that it was his fault. And I really did blame him.

I wish I could take back the things I said to him over those years. They did so much damage to him, because he and I both believed what I said.

During my depression, I was completely unable to carry on a conversation with the checkout clerk at the grocery store, much less meet my husband's emotional needs!

I can hear how tired and needy you are right now. That makes you a normal human being. The problem is...you are going to the hardware store to purchase bread and milk!

You've chosen to be in THIS marriage, with THIS woman. She can't be something else simply because you are angry and feel that she owes you. You are certainly free to change your mind about your choice at any time. But in the meantime, perhaps you can find some activities and friendships to fill in some of the void left by your lack of an able partner. (obviously I am NOT suggesting having an affair of your own)

But honestly, in order to help your wife, you need to help yourself first. You need to take a break from the affair, and maybe have some fun, and maybe some new hobbies with all that free time you have when you stop worrying about what you arent getting and start looking at what you can get =) A little self care will go along way to help you regain a little strength to keep going.

And of course, seek professional help for you, but most importantly suggest to your wife that maybe a good therapist could help - specially with anti-d's.

I could NOT have recovered from my depression without the drugs - I was emotionally depressed, which led to a chemical imbalance, which led to more depression, which led to more chemical imbalance...etc. I only needed the drugs 6 months before I was able to cope on my own with therapy and a 12 step program.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. Please take care of you!

FM, this is going to take patience like you never dreamed. Yours seems to be running out, and you need more.

Your W sleeps until 3 P.M.? She is as depressed as can be. And I don't mean bummed out, I mean she's crippled with depression.

How she got there is not relevant right now. She got there.

She's no good to anybody right now because she is unwell. She needs help.

Suicide talk may be selfish and manipulative some of the time, there are times when it isn't, and that's why you have to take it seriously all the time.

I'm no doctor, but from what I understand, people who are clinically depressed become suicidal because the pain they feel is so awful, much worse than feeling nothing. I know this feeling, and it is damned scary. The mind of a clinically depressed person is a torture chamber.

GC

FM,

I hear where you're coming from.

I'm in a very similar situation to you and I feel exactly the same frutration and desperation as you seem to have.

All I can say is that there is only failure when you don't try. However things work out, as long as you can reflect on things and say you tried then you did as much as could be expected of any man, whether or not it works out.

Reading your posts has made me feel like I'm not alone feeling the way I do and has made me reconsider on giving up on recovery. So on a personal note, thanks.

Chin up and lean in to the wind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is quite a rollercoaster.

My W grows encouraged, happy even excited about our M and future possibilities and then BOOM!

She falls back into withdrawal, doubt, misery, depression, frustration, doom, gloom and thoughts of suicide...

I must learn to handle this rollercoaster because I only compound the situation when I react to her downs and fogspeak.

I'm trying to control my frustations and maybe most importantly my celebrations. Keeping your celebrations in perspective is the hardest. I'm so hungry for positive days, nights or moments that when they happen I just want more of them, which only lets me down when they do not come. I do realize that my W is trying as best she can at this point, but similar to all other stages of a WS she drifts in and out of the fog, YES even now, at least to a certain degree. I run the risk of using up all her good moods while she's in good mood mode though...I can't help it, who knows when she'll be upbeat again? What would you do...reserve yourself or enjoy the good times while you can sort of like a squirrel stocking up for the winter? From my experience the winters can be unforgiving... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

These are scary days.

FWW says she has these reoccuring thoughts to punish herself, lamenting that she has trouble accepting how wrong foul her actions have been. I reassure her the best way to make amends is to start a new day with your convictions firmly inplay, but this is very hard for her. It's as if to start anew she must first be punished for her past. Yes, these are mighty scary days! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]</small>

Weaver said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You could have walked away, you could have not let her back in the home. You could have divorced but you chose recovery.

I am picturing you as this man standing in the middle of the road, yelling at GOD to "bring it on", "come on, give it to me, give me some more"
"I can take anything you throw at me God, because I am strong, you have blessed me with broad shoulders, you have blessed my with trials... so BRING IT ON!"

Why? because you have been chosen, and your rewards will be great. Be thankful you are not your WW right now, as her pain is not the kind of pain any of us would wish for, and she can not yell at God to "bring it on".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey friend. (Just "returning" from a very long few weeks (and more to come--ugh!) from moving.)

Boy, did I have that same vision of you in the road. (It was either that or, "Curse you AquaScum!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

And then I remembered a post you had. It was reminiscing about you, in the rain, kneeling to your W. And so it goes.

I'm sorry I can't say, "I feel your pain." Nobody--NOBODY can feel YOUR pain. But, even you once said, "Pain is pain."

We're ALL puling for you, FM. That's the only meaning of this post. And to let you know you DO have a great sounding board in us. From all walks of life, both sides of "the" fence, and yes, from all sorts of our own painful experiences.

We feel FOR you. We are (limited) here FOR you. For YOU! And, we'll be your legs as best as we can. If you can't, we can't, your W can't, certainly He WILL be there.