FWS - I know there are those out there that downplay the affair and believe me when I say I understand why one would do that. My question is to those that have withheld information believing that it was not important - how did that affect your recovery? Did you eventually tell the whole story or just let it die? My FWH has admitted the PA, but still insists it wasn't as intense as it appears from the evidence that I have. I know he has not told me everything - and I'm not insisting on sexual details - just things about how often they met and where.

Also, his OW's H knows of the "friendship" but believes that is all it was because he believes his wife. Not my problem I know, but how does she live with herself? Again, I should not be worrying about that, but I sincerely wish that she was at least suffering some consequences for her actions - even if it is only her conscience. She knows that I know, but it really doesn't seem to affect her at all. How is that possible?

<small>[ October 09, 2004, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: SpouseGuess ]</small>

<small>[ October 09, 2004, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: SpouseGuess ]</small>

Spouseguess,

I'm thinking that if the OW is suffering, she more than likely would never act like it around you. The way she acts might not reflect how she really feels. Some people are very stubborn, some people are good actors, and of course, some people don't have a conscience. I'm sorry for your frustration and pain.

God bless,

Rose

Thanks for your response Rose. I guess I'm just feeling really down lately and wondering how people can justify such cruel behaviour. I don't understand it from my FWH and I hold him primarily responsible for my pain. But a part of me wonders if I'm the strange one. Does anyone who gets involved with a MM ever feel any guilt, especially if they themselves are married?

I see you are the WS and I mean no disrespect to you, but does the damage that has been done to either BS ever cross the minds of these people after the affair has been exposed? I feel sorry for her H who will never know the real truth because he chooses to believe his wife and yet at the same time I wonder if he is the "lucky" one for not having to endure the emotional pain of knowing what she did to him. And then I wonder does she ever feel guilty about this? It really is not a revenge sort of feeling, more of a curious sort of feeling.

Also, does it give the WS a feeling of "power" to have this secret that only they know? Maybe I'm not explaining it correctly, but how can details of a secret relationship with someone other than your spouse make a good marriage for anyone? My FWH has told me his version, but he has only told me what I can prove. He knows that I will never be able to "prove" that it was way more than he has led me to believe. He at least says that he feels bad about the OW's H, but not bad enough to even consider telling him the truth. Maybe it is simply "out of sight, out of mind".

SpouseGuess,

You wrote: "does the damage that has been done to either BS ever cross the minds of these people after the affair has been exposed?"

There are all kinds of people who have A's, and it might not be true of everyone, but there are WS's on this board who will definitely attest to the fact that the damage does cross our minds, and that it causes us a great deal of guilt. My A wasn't exposed, I confessed, so I was already sorry and feeling guilty. I've had many terrible moments and sleepless nights.

"does it give the WS a feeling of "power" to have this secret that only they know?"

The secret of the A adds excitement, and maybe also a feeling of power, although I had never thought of that before. It's a very sad and sick reason for having a "relationship."

"how can details of a secret relationship with someone other than your spouse make a good marriage for anyone?"

Secrets can't make a good marriage! When my H and I are asked to give advice to friends when they get married, we say "NO SECRETS! EVER!" On the other hand, the details of a past secret relationship might help some BS's and not others. My H doesn't want details, and when I've offered them, it only seemed to make him feel worse, so our situation is different. If a BS wants to know details, though, I think the WS should be honest.

Your H is really the only one who could tell you how it makes him feel to have any secrets. He might be afraid you will get even more mad if you know everything. He might still be foggy and really not realize how important the information is to you. He may be downplaying everything in order to make himself feel better.

Are you two working on your M by going to MC, reading books, etc.?

Rose

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rose55:
<strong> SpouseGuess,

You wrote: "does the damage that has been done to either BS ever cross the minds of these people after the affair has been exposed?"

There are all kinds of people who have A's, and it might not be true of everyone, but there are WS's on this board who will definitely attest to the fact that the damage does cross our minds, and that it causes us a great deal of guilt. My A wasn't exposed, I confessed, so I was already sorry and feeling guilty. I've had many terrible moments and sleepless nights.

"does it give the WS a feeling of "power" to have this secret that only they know?"

The secret of the A adds excitement, and maybe also a feeling of power, although I had never thought of that before. It's a very sad and sick reason for having a "relationship."

"how can details of a secret relationship with someone other than your spouse make a good marriage for anyone?"

Secrets can't make a good marriage! When my H and I are asked to give advice to friends when they get married, we say "NO SECRETS! EVER!" On the other hand, the details of a past secret relationship might help some BS's and not others. My H doesn't want details, and when I've offered them, it only seemed to make him feel worse, so our situation is different.


Rose </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can I just say ditto here???? Ditto.

Rose and Sadfww - Thank you for your responses. I really respect you for your input on this website - it does help to understand from the other side. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I understand the dynamics of an affair - about the excitement of the secrecy. What I don't understand, and you guys are different because you came clean to your spouses, is how is it beneficial to keep the secrets AFTER the affair has been exposed??? It makes sense during, but after how can you recover your marriage fully if your BS is in the dark??? Do you know what I mean?

Again, I just wonder how the OW in my sitch is going to recover her marriage if her H never knows the truth - he believes in the "friendship" explanation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My H still refuses to explain all when I have reasons not to believe his story. What does that do for trust and intimacy? For me I know the affair is over at this time, but I want to know the modus operandi if you will and that is what scares me to not know.