First let me say that I have been visiting this site since my S 2 yrs ago....have only been posting a few days...the entire site especially the forums have given me new perspectives on some things but....it seems that the BS's may be trying to fix something they didn't break and the WS's are trying to come back unscathed. I am not a religious person but I am a spiritual being; Plan A reflects what a truly good person should do even though they have been wronged and I agree with this concept totally. Anger contaminates the soul; you can never beat an enemy that you hate for hate will destroy you first. But I also believe we should not continuously put ourselves in harms way.....I see a lot of BS's doing that. It seems that history has repeated itself on numerous occassions in some of the threads I have read. While everyone is an individual with different coping skills I realize that some may be able to show love in adverse situations more than others, and for longer periods; and some need support to do it at all.....it is difficult.

So I am curious and hopefully not offensive, do we not need to support those who choose to move on with their lives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ecxpa:
<strong>but....it seems that the BS's may be trying to fix something they didn't break and the WS's are trying to come back unscathed. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">not true for all WS. As far as the rest of your question - yes, I do believe that some marriages aren't salvagable. (sorry for the spelling) What I think plan A offers BS, however, is a concrete plan that will make them feel NO REGRET in the future if things do NOT work out with their foggy spouse. A BS who plan A's CAN walk away from a marriage confident that he/she did everything possible to save the marriage.

Sometimes a marriage just can't be saved. It does take two- (three if you are a Christian as I am) and if one of the parties over the long haul just won't work on the M ...well, that might be time to give up. However, only each person can know what their own time limits are for giving their WS to regain a grip on reality.

I agree with SadFWW 100%...I couldn't have said it better myself..truly well spoken.

The only sad thing is sometimes the spouse involved with the unsalvagable marriage...doesn't think it's unsalvagable....those are the tougher cases.

I think MB unintentionally lays a road of infinite effort to restore M after an A.

All people are different. I didn't even consider reconciliation on DDAY, than I found this site and it seemed possible...it was definately worth the effort.

I don't regret it for a minute. It's opened our eyes up in a way I can't describe....but I can say from the bottom of my heart that I have a GOOD marriage now.

If my FWH extended the A...continued contact... went back and forth......I would have called it quits. I didn't force him into a decision...he had to make it on his own...but he stood behind it...and I'm proud of him for that.

So I am curious and hopefully not offensive, do we not need to support those who choose to move on with their lives.

I don't understand this question..

lots of people come here..
lots of people try different things...
lots of people do it for a period of time..
lots of people recover
lots of people decide enough is enough
lots of people move on and away from the marriage...


most people that come to a marriage building site are interested in trying something...
lots of people never come here and hear of infidelity and end it right it there...

all of it is their choice
no one can decide for them....

lots of support here as well.for whatever it is they choose..cause "WE" here know we can't make anyone "Choose" a thing...

ARK

So I am curious and hopefully not offensive, do we not need to support those who choose to move on with their lives.

Yes, we need to suppost those who choose to move on with their lives!

That is why there is a divorcing forum on this site. And why many people who have given up on their marriage and are moving on post here.

I was a victim of infidelity (and a perpetrator of infidelity) as the OW. I have never been married but infidelity shattered my life twice, first with my DD's dad who I lived with and who was the love of my life, then with my ex fiance who was married when I met him, but I did not know.

I am hear to learn, to heal and to move on into a productive, happy marriage someday. In order to do this I need to understand.

"seek to understand that which you would become"

And because it is in the support of healing in others that we heal ourselves.

We are all here as teachers AND as students, because in teaching we learn and in learning we teach.

Does that make any sense?

We're in the MB program and so we can read Harley's advice to others. Look at sky diver's thread on the divorced forum -- she's talking about his 8th affair partner. Harley does sometimes recommend divorce or separation. Sometimes, it is appropriate to move on. People can be forgiven, even for horrific betrayal and abuse, but only if they show a willingness to "compensate" by becoming the spouse they should have been all along.

Cherished

<small>[ October 10, 2004, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Ecxpa,
In your attempt to be diplomatic or should I say none confrontational, it seems to me that you that one must read “between the lines” in your post to understand what the point of your question may really be. What you did manage to ask was the following:

~“So I am curious and hopefully not offensive, do we not need to support those who choose to move on with their lives?”~

My unequivocal answer to this specific question is I believe, yes. And further more, I believe that those folks who do make that decision are given just as much support as those who instead, choose to go on doing everything in their power to stave off the end.

If your question had been, do many of us here often continue to push those who want their fantasy of saving the unsolvable situation validated, then I would also have to say yes. Sometimes we are too vociferous in that direction. But please, forgive us our trespasses, LOL. You see, we can only try to give support, input and advice to those that seek it. And I for one take those requests at face value and thus try to help those folks achieve what they say they most want, regardless of my own personal opinion.

Do I from time say to myself, “you’ve got to be kidding!?” “This is a marriage that is crying out for it’s own end!?” Do I question the sanity of some who continue to try never the less? The answer to this question is also a resounding yes! But as ark has already said, our goal (or the goal of most I presume) is to support. We do not make decisions for people. We simply do what we can to support them in the decision that they make for themselves. At least that’s the way I see it.

coach

I am not sure I understand your question. If it is " don't BS ever just quit and stop flogging a dead horse marriage?" teh answer is of course. This MB is not a normal BS demographic though I would suggest. Folks who WANT to save their marriages come here. I'm sure other forums/communities assume divorce as the preferred outcome of adultery.

I want to save my M. and I won't give up easily on it. Others in far worse places than am feel the same.

I won't 'flog a dead horse' though. I hope and pray should that time come, I will recognise and walk away like some folks on here have done.