My husband told me a couple of days ago that he has been having an affair with my best friend. He is currently in the reserves and will be coming home on Dec 16, he says that he loves my daughter and I more than anything and cares deeply and wants to live with us when he comes home. I asked him if he was still going to have an affair, and he said that as long as he is living with me, he will not sleep with her but will still talk to her. My husband and I have been together for 5 years now and have a 3 year old and my husband and family mean everything to me but I don't know what to do. He said the affair has lasted about a year and a half and my friend just had a baby, and they are unsure of who the father is. I love my husband and want to work this out, but I don't know what to do, I can't have him getting the best of both worlds living with me and yet still having her on the side. I know where I went wrong, he said that she was nice to him and I wasn't there to be nice because we worked opposite shifts. I am more than willing to change and be the wife he wants, but I don't know if that would be enough. Should I take him back and let him live here? I miss him and need to feel him near me and our daughter but I can't be pulled along either. Any suggestions??

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

I think that you should do Plan A, BUT I also think you should tell your husband, as calmly as possible, that "just talking" to the OW is continuing the affair and will not help the marriage. Tell him that you feel that his continued contact with her means that having a relationship with her is more important than his relationship with you...that continuing contact with her will be like twisting a knife in your heart, all the more so since she was your BF.

Tell him that you are willing to do your part to correct any mistakes that you made in the marriage, but that you are not to blame for his choosing to cheat.

As for the baby, there should be a paternity test. Also, the affair needs to be exposed to the OW's husband/significant other. Has that been done?

So, tell him that you want to work on the marriage, but that you need absolutely no contact with the OW. Any issues dealing with the baby can wait until AFTER a paternity test confirms he is the father.

As far as letting him come back home... personally, I think I would prefer that he not come home without committing to no contact and sending a "no contact letter", but Plan A is easier (if you can do it well) while both spouses are in the home. Also, if OW has any expectations of his moving in with her, his coming home to you might put a crimp in her plans.

If, after a few months of doing a good Plan A, the situation is too painful for you and you find that you are losing love for your H, then you can choose to go to Plan B.

Weekends are slow around here, but I'm sure one of the experts around here will be along to help you better than I can.

Even if he has ended the physical affair, he will still be having an Emotional Affair. The path to recovery from either type of affair is the same. Click on the link in my signature line. Since he is planning on continuing the affair, you will need to start in Plan A.

So very sorry that you are here. But at the same time so very glad that you found us!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I asked him if he was still going to have an affair, and he said that as long as he is living with me, he will not sleep with her but will still talk to her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is totally unacceptable and you need to convey this to him. It is unacceptable because for one it means that nothing will change. He will still at a minimum be having an EA and most likey in the near future continue with the PA. Have you read Surviving an Affair? If you have not order it off of this website along with His Needs Her Needs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said the affair has lasted about a year and a half and my friend just had a baby, and they are unsure of who the father is.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is testing avaliable and I feel like you should know. However, this is JMHO! It sounds like you should put this one in the professional court. Are you doing any MC or IC. I would recommend the Harley's. I do IC with Jennifer C. and she is very good. If you haven't already please consider some professional help for the health of your family and yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I love my husband and want to work this out, but I don't know what to do, I can't have him getting the best of both worlds living with me and yet still having her on the side. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's called cake eating. WS's just love cake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Most WS's try this for a while and sometimes for a long while. It is up to you to let him know that this is not acceptable.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am more than willing to change and be the wife he wants, but I don't know if that would be enough. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't just say it do it. Show him that you are changing. No one can change overnight it is a journey just like the rest of your life. Don't mistake I am not saying that everytime you make a change go running to him and say "look I did this for us". On the contrary, don't acknowledge your changes unless he notices them. And when he does don't make a big deal out of it just feel good that you are making a difference. As far as it being enough.....Well, it will have to be enough because that is all that you have to offer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Should I take him back and let him live here? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think there would be some conflicting opinions of that one. It really depends on how you feel. Start thinking about yourself a little. I'm not telling you to become selfish but to gain some self-respect. Take care of yourself you have quite a journey in front of you and you'll need the strength. As for what to do IMHO if you think that you can handle him being around then it would help your plan A some if he were living under the same roof. At the same time it will give you many more chances to LB and you will probably grow weary more quickly. JMHO.

BTW I would not recommend that you show your H this website right now. If you want to give him some of the concepts that is fine. But do not let him have access to this forum. He has a long road to travel before he will be ready for that. I mention this because I have seen too many BS do this and live to regret it. He is in what we call the fog right now and has been for some time. When a WS is in the fog they cannot really think rationally and will say things that are ridiculous and act much the same. I won't go into too much of this now but remember this. Do not let the very stupid things that he says right now hurt you. I promise that he will live to regret most everything that he says during this trial.

One last book I would suggest is Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson. I wouldn't recommend that you share this one with your WH either.

Now order these three books, keep posting here when you need to vent, and remember that we are here for you when you need us. We know what you are going through.

God Bless and Take Care.

C.

Thank you all for your support and impu, it is nice to talk to other people who know what I am going through.

I have told him that I don't want him to talk to her and he said that he can't do that. He said that if he moves in here when he gets back from the reserves, that it would be to suport me and be here for me because he cares, he doesn't know if it would be for the marriage or not.

The OW has told her H and I have talked to him a couple of times, we were all good friends. The hardest part is hearing what she tells him and then hearing my H tell me other things. No matter what, she will not go back to him, they were married very unhappily ever since we have known them (4 years now).

I want him to move back here. I was laid off of the second shift job, and am looking for something first shift so when he gets home, we will be on the same shift. I am trying to go day by day rather than looking at the whole picture, which I don't know if it is a good idea but it is how I need to deal with it. It makes it easier to just think about one day, rather than a month, or a year, or our whole lives.

I know my H cares, even the OW has told her H that she knows he loves me and our daughter. My H even sent me a letter that she had written to him about how she knows about his love for his family and understood if he walked away from her and didn't talk to her again.

As far as the baby, the OW and her H are planning on having a test done soon as it is causing great stress for everybody and it isn't fair to anyone, especially the baby.

I just feel like I have been betrayed in so many ways and nest time my H calls, I am going to tell him that if he lives here I don't want him talking to her and that it is very important even if he doesn't feel it is. I am giong to explain that if he wants to know for sure that he doesn't want to be with me anymore than he needs to atleast give it a fair chance without her in the picture for a while. Hopefully it goes over well, I will let you all know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am going to tell him that if he lives here I don't want him talking to her and that it is very important even if he doesn't feel it is. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bad idea. By telling him what is important you are being disrespectful, and he will likely get defensive and argue. There is a way to communicate much the same thing in a way that is much more respectful, and less likely to start a fight.

Click on the link in my signature line, and read the Plan A links by Cerri and Zorweb. If you don't understand how to get that point across respectfully after reading those links, come back here and post a follow-up question.

This is what Plan A is for - dealing with a spouse who is still involved in an affair, before it is time for Plan B.

Thank you, I actually refrained from telling my H that when I talked to him today. We talked a couple of times today, this morning, he wanted me to call the OW and be friends with her again. I told him that I was not ready to talk to her yet and he got upset and said he didn't want to talk to me and needed to hang up. He called back later this afternoon and didn't talk about it again. However, this is when things got really bad and confusing for me.

H said that he still wants to live here when he gets home in Dec. Said that he doesn't know what is going to happen with the OW, and if the baby is his, he will take responsibility but that it would be an accident if it is his and he was very sorry for hurting me. He then went on to say that him living here is not for our marriage, but for our relationship. He started talking about divorce and that he wants a strong bond with me when we are divorced. He said that he wants to do things with just me even after we are divocred, like go to the gym together daily and go out to eat together. He said that he still wants to be able to hug and kiss me whenever and be there for me. I am so confused, I feel like he still wants me to stay faithful to him while he gets to live a wild life out there. Maybe I am wrong and reading too much into it but I am so confused by this. He was a military brat, moving every 4 years and never having a relationship last more than that. He was married previously and that ended just after 4 years. We have been together for more than 5 now, but have had problems for about 2 years, (when the affair began). I love him so much but feel that if I allow for the type of relationship he wants to keep with me that I am going to be more hurt. I can't stop crying and feel like all of the talking that he and I have been doing was just a waste. I am so confused and hurt, I just don't know where to go now. I am wondering about letting him live here when he gets out and I am just, I don't even know. I am going to go read more on this site and other posts and try to find some direction.

Sorry about the long-winded babble here, I really needed to get it out. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

He is acting like a typical WS - believe me, what he is doing is sooooo... common. He wants his cake and he wants to eat it too.

Plan A, then Plan B. It may not work, because there are no guarantees, but it is the best chance you have, a plan honed by years of experience with thousands of people who have gone through the same experience as you.

There will be some people om this site who will tell you to just continue to Plan A and let him do this. I can't diagree more. Your husband is not even realizing what he has done to you. HOW CAN YOU LET HIM DO THIS? He definitely wants to have you around (under the guise that it is "to be there for you" and see this OW. Don't let him do this to you. How can he ask you to be friends with the OW......My God, please don't let him do this.

Thank you J39 and LM, your input helps. In general, and I know that is varies with everyone and every situation, after the A is out in the open how long until it dies? I know most things I have been readin that a relationship comnig from an A usually doesn't last, but I am afraid and don't know how long I can be hurt. There are some days I feel strong and I can do this and other days I just want to walk away, as much as it would hurt. Everyday that he talks about her or the OW's H calls me and tells me things, it hurts so much and I don't know if I can do it. What is the key to get by? My LB is full but the pain seems to not be letting me make any withdrawals.

An affair on average lasts 18 months. Exposure tends to make it die much quicker. To whom have you exposed the affair? To his superior officer?

I know the pain is excruciating - that is why Plan A has a time limit, and why Plan B exists - to protect you.

Being honest with him about how his actions make you feel - but not telling him what to do - is important, too.

Why are you still in contact with teh OW's husband? The more you know about the contact between the OW and your H, the more it hurts.

I haven't talked to OW's H for a few days and don't plan on it because it hurts so much. With my husband being stationed half way across the country, I know there is definatly limited contact with my H and OW.

The affair went uncovered for a year and a half and everyone knows now. I have been very good at not telling him what to do, he asks me what I think he should do and I simply tell him "I can't be the one to tell you that, that is something you need to figure out on your own" and he seems to appreciate that.

He is still going to be away for 2 more months, almost exactly, and I don't know if the time not together during all of this is really good or not. Somedays I feel like it is good to just be able to really think things though and try to sort things out in my mind, but other times I worry about the time apart, which I am sure is normal. It is almost like we are in Plan B already except he has no choice but to not see me or the OW.

Ok, so as I earlier said, my H is in OH, (we live in Maine)stationed there in the Army reserves and so communication with him is limited. We do talk every day but I feel sometimes that I just can't say everything I want to say. Last night I sat up and wrote him a really long letter. I said how I love him, will always love him and be here for him no matter what happens and will be willing to work on us and our marriage when/if he wants. I explained the things I liked about our marriage, didn't like about it, the things I thought I could change and am working on changing. It was very hard to write down all of this but I feel that I needed to and he needed to know.

I feel like I am at the point that I accept what he has done and still doing, don't approve by anymeans, but being angry isn't going to do anything but push him towards her even faster. I feel that I got the point acrossed that I do want to work this out and get beyond all of this turmoil, that I know it wil be a long, hard journey but we can do it and I will be here no matter what. I did also say that I would still like him to live here when he gets home in December, where I feel I can than effectivly begin Plan A.

Although I didn't sleep well after writing to him, this morning I feel better about myself, I feel that I am doing the right thing and I am now working on me, seeing a therapist and really concentrating on making me a better person. I have two months before H comes home and although I will not be perfect, I will have had the time to really get things in order and start developing a new me, and I hope that maybe all of the effort will pay off in his heart.

H received the letter I sent, he thanked me for it and said he really appreciated it.

Tonight when we talked, he said that he is proud of me for everything I am doing for myself. He also thanked me for being nice and not getting angry when he calls.

I feel so lost, I don't know if what I am taking as fog talk is really fog talk or if he really does love OW and doesn't plan on being with me. The other day we were talking and he brought up a D. He said that he is in no rush for one and still wants to live here with me because he loves me. I am so confused now, I don't know if he is just using me for a place to live, although he claims he isn't, he says he is moving in because he loves and cares for me and wants to be here for me. I don't know what to do. I just wish I knew if it was all part of fog talk and he will come out of it or if he really is going to be with her. I have no doubt in my mind that he really loves me, I know he does and I know that he will always be right here for me but I want our M, I want us to be happy again but I don't know how much I can take. I love him so much but hurt so badly and want to ask him questions about the A and OW but force myself not to. I just wish I had some sign that maybe this will work out. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ursaminor01:
<strong> I asked him if he was still going to have an affair, and he said that as long as he is living with me, he will not sleep with her but will still talk to her. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Typical male.
He thinks that you care more about the SEX than you do about the MIND/HEART, because he's a man and the SEX would mean more to him than the MIND/HEART if you were the one having the affair. He feels like he's doing you a favor by not sleeping with her but still talking to her! Right!!!

I agree with what's been said. All or nothing at all. Either he gives her up completely, or he risks giving YOU up completely.

Whatta cake-eater!

Yeah, the part that was most insulting, was he said that he doesn't even find her that attractive, she isn't his physical type, and the sex with her wasn't very good. He said that I turn him on more than any woman ever could. So what, he is going to keep me for the sex and her for his EN's??

I am so confused, H just called me and wanted to know if I was out with a guy, more exact, his brother, today. I was out running errands and taking our D3 to a new daycare center and he tried calling. I wasn't here when he called this morning (didn't realize I was supposed to wait around all day for him to call) and he called his brother who Iguess had company over. H assumed I was there. He was very upset and irritated with me, even though I assured him I wasn't there. Why is it that he gets so mad, especially if he is the one talking about a D? I wasn't there, but if I was, why when he is the WS, should I be put down and made to feel like crap when he is the one who says that he doesn't think our M can be saved? I don't know what to do, I wasn't there, told him that. After he was all upset, he said "I wouldn't be mad if you were there." Ummmm, he just got mad just thinking about me being there. Is this a good sign that maybe he is rethinking our M and us? I am so confused by him acting like this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

And the confusion goes on.

So H called me and after we were talking, he asks "do you want me to call you anymore?" I say of course, I enjoy talking to him. Then he says "I feel like you are stringing me along and am going to give you a few days before I call you again." Wait, he is the one still involved with OW yet I am stringing him along???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He was talking about having a very close relationship with him even though we are not together and how he wants to be involved in my life everyday and do things just the two of us. He went back into that for all of that to happen, I need to get along with OW and be friends with her again. I did very very good at not getting mad at him this time, I simply said, "I don't like that you are asking that of me, that hurts just as all of this hurts me a lot and I may never be at a point where I can talk to her again." That is when he said I was stringing him along.

What am I doing wrong? I don't get it, I feel like I am loosing a battle that has just barely begun. I wish now that he was here when he told me about the A and we would be able to deal with it easier. H has always been a military brat and I said to him that around four years, he always seems to break a relationship, he agreed with this and said how we have been together for over 5. I then reminded him that the A began right around our 4 year anniversary. He got quiet. I don't know what to do, I am so afraid that I am loosing and I haven't even had a proper chance to try to make this right. Should I write a Plan B letter now? I know I haven't done plan A but that is hard with him 12 hours away.

Li'l Dipper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> :

Try not 2 worry 2 much about his latest rants 2 you. This is VERY typical WS behavior, and it probably signifies that something happened in "affairy land" that wasn't 2 his liking (like the OW and OWH are talking, like spouses often do, about what THEY want THEIR fu2re 2 be like?)... He's being pushed off the fence by her and you, and he isn't happy about it.

The other reason I say it's typical, is that this kind of attack on you alleviates the guilt he's starting 2 feel, by blame-shifting. There's no way anybody but himself is responsible for having an A. Do NOT accept blame for that. In nearly all cases of infidelity, both the WS and the BS are jointly responsible for the condition of the marriage that leads the WS 2 believe that they can have an A. But in your case, based on what you've told us about his short-term past relationships (and one M), he just might be a sexual addict, which he will need 2 deal with on his own, assuming he realizes he needs professional help.

You should also calmly tell him, in no uncertain terms and without LBing, that you are NO LONGER FRIENDS with the OW, and your goal is 2 recover your M with your H and have no further contact with the OW or her H for the rest of your life.

It would even be preferable if the OW and her H decide they wish 2 reconcile and raise the baby regardless of who the bio father is, than have your H involved in its upbringing if it is his. But that's a very delicate issue that will depend very much on the personailities involved.

You need 2 realize that since d-day you've been in plan A, though it's a remote plan A while your H is gone. I also think you've been doing a pretty good job of it, but we all can use a little guidance 2 help us hone our plan and make it work best for our particular si2ations. With professional help, particularly from one of the Harleys or Penny Tupy, who authored and understand plan A/B better than anyone, you could be in pretty good shape 2 decide whether 2 stay in plan A or move 2 plan B by the time your H re2rns from Ohio.

I agree with Johnh39 most of the time, because he's got a track record of understanding the MB methods pretty dead on, but I tend 2 think that it might be useful for a time, 2 touch base with the OWH 2 see how things are going from that side of the A, and keep the pressure on it 2 end.

Ultimately, it's your call, though.

best,
-ol' 2long

2long, thank you. I think the reassurance that he is being a "normalWS" is kind of what I needed. And also to know that I am going about things okay.

I did call OWH just to see. Kept it erally short, he said that he doesn't even like talking to her right now (they have a S8 together) but has to. He wants to raise the baby as his own. I asked if he told his W that and he said no. I suggested he telling her. I don't think it is my place to suggest that to my own H, if it were his S. Other than OWH not wanting to talk to her, he said that he misses her greatly and wish it didn't hurt. I suggested him looking at this site. He may, but I really don't think he will.

I am not sure if H will call me again tonite, one time he said he was not going to to see if I could take time to figure out what I want and then he also said he would call me when he got back to field.

Thank you everyone, I would say you don't know how much all of the support helps, but I am sure you all do know. But thank you anyways, it helps me keep my chin up and not give up hope.