WW called last night to "spend time together" just as I was going out with friends. Got upset that I would not cancel plans. Seems to be a pattern for her; calling at the last minute. When I suggest spending time together in advance she always says "I'll let u know" or "I'll think about it". As a result I have become hesitant to offer to spend time together. She is constantly saying we should go on with our lives but when I do she gets upset. I think that my WW wife has become aware that she has made a bad choice by leaving for the OM; he is a drug addict that she states has "changed"; our friends say otherwise. He tends to "disappear" for days and this does not sit well with my WW. In short I think things have gone sour between my WW and the OM.

I unfortunately have chosen to date others. No serious involvement thus far but I don't deny that I am seeing someone.

During this tragedy I have pretty much been doing the things suggested by MB and most credible counselors.

I acknowledged my part in causing the A and have tried to show that I had become painfully aware of my own faults and have made changes and showed her that I had seen my mistakes in the M.

I have accepted her A and her "right" to make a mistake and offered forgiveness.

I have been willing to make a more than equitable settlement with her and give her the "true freedom" she needs as she calls it by filing for the Dvc. Now, even though she was the one who demanded it she says she just wants "legal separation".

I guess we are at a stalmate of salvaging our M because of my "demands" as she has called them. I don't see my position as a demand at all though I may be wrong. I have always maintained that rescuing our M could only occur when she ended the A completely. She tells me that it has ended but admits to talking to him 1-2 times a week and seeing him occasionally because they have been friends and are former classmates. She says she can't prevent/avoid contact; I beg to differ. I think any contact with the OP is a continuation of the A. Her main issue currently is that at times I do invite the ladies I date into my home to watch movies, play pool, or have dinner. She says I have no right to do this because this is "our home". True, but she left it and told me to go on with my life; I do share her pain but what am I suppose to do after two years, I waited for over a year before I started dating. Have I assumed the wrong posture here?

My life was disrupted terribly by the A, almost destroyed; I have now managed to at least find a life that is tolerable without my WW but I would give anything if the M could be salvaged but what more can I do?

ecxpa -

Well the MB program says no dating while you are still married. It causes many problems if you are dating.

Also your wife must have no contact with OM. No contact for any reason for life. But it will be hard for you to insist on that since you are dating.

Please decide if you want to be married or date others. Then we can give you better advice.

Sounds like your WW is in cake eating mode. Did you ever implement Plan B?

ecxpa.

There is a simple solution.

Talk to your wife. See if she will agree to 'no contact' (and that means none) with the other man for a period of 30 days. Since you are 'casually dating', you offer no contact with any potential girlfriends. BOTH OF YOU will have to agree on this completely.

If YOU are not interested in continuing your marriage, then do the right thing and file for divorce. It is certainly within your right to divorce your wife because of her infidelity. What you can NOT do is string her along for punishment, regardless of how badly she has hurt you.

I will warn you that you are very likely to get serious with one of the girls you are dating, and that will happen soon if it hasn't already. You will then likely make the same mistakes in your new relationship that you made in your marriage.

All the best,
Gimble

Gimble...thanks for your post and advice; unfortunately I have tried your suggestions without good results. My ww perception of contact and mine and yours are totally different. She can claim she has had no contact but perceives this as meaning not physically seeing the OM. To me and hopefully to you and most people nc means NC in any form or fashion. She wants to "try" to make things work and if everything is to her satisfication she will then stop phone contact. She states she doesn't call him but that he calls her.....duh how about changing the phone number.....which she "can't" because she might lose contact with other friends; wow how could I be so stupid.

Seriously, I would like my M to recover but I am at a loss. It seems she is constantly harping on our need to salvage our M when I am dating but when I do refrain she does a 180 degree turn and resumes contact with the OP and says things like "I really think we should go on with our lives, too much has happened" So I feel like I am being strung along instead of stringing her along.

I have come to the conclusion that should she ever truly end it with the OM then there may be a chance for recovery; in the meantime those I am dating know that should my wife show an earnest effort and remorse for her actions then I am going to pursue recovery. Nobody is serious in my dating relationship; that may change and if it does then so be it. Any further suggestions?

ecxpa

I am going to take another line from the MB'ers here at the risk of being shot down in flames.

OK its 2 years as I understand it that you have been living apart? well thats separation only without the legal paper to say it and if it goes to court it will be accepted as legal separation for that period. US courts accept it & so do Aust courts.

You waited a full year so and now you are in fact 'getting on' with your own life and she doesn't like it.
I'd agree with you, its because her affair is crashing around her and the OM is a no good druggie & reality is not as nice as she imagined it to be. The fantasy is slipping away leaving her with he tattered remains of her actions.

Well I think you are entitled to date & go out in your circumstances. They are a bit different from what I usually read here so I think some different rules should apply.

HOWEVER, if you want to reconcile then yes No contact is no contact AT ALL by both of you with any other party relationship wise.
No calls, no letters, no emails, no nothing!!!

If she does not want this then I would suggest you do move to separation or straight to divorce if thats what you want.
If after 2 years apart as H & W she is not willing to commit then you are fully within your moral and legal rights to divorce.

My guess is she wants to keep the OM on a string while she tries you out - like a 30 day guarrantee - so if it too hard etc she can have the OM waiting for her. She is doing the same to you.
Thats her fear reaction I'd say. The famous 'cakewoman' or man action you hear of.

I also suspect her calling you at the last minute is alao part of this reaction. She KNOWS you are likely going out and wants to stop you. She sees and feels you slipping away and suddenly is not so sure she wants that.

However, you are now in the drivers seat and you can go what ever way you feel you should and whats best for you.

I know this is not MB advice as such but not every M can be saved nor perhaps at times should it. Do what seems right for you. If your decision feels right inside then it probably is ok for you.