Well, H finally finished reading NJF. He voluntarily came to me to tell me the whole A story and apologized for handling our recovery so badly…with lies of omission and stringing out the A story for a year and a half. That was a huge step for H.
I learned a great deal of information that I did not know about before. Both with H’s first A with this OW and the one that took place during our M. The information I learned cleared up the things that I didn’t think made sense, cleared up misconceptions I had (that H let me believe for over a year) and sadly showed me how sick the A was.
I feel better knowing the whole story, however, I am upset about one conversation that H and I had.
H claims that he thought he loved this OW during the first A (although he now says that he knows it was not love) but that he had no feelings for her during the second A. It (2nd A) was all about him, how good it made him feel, etc. Said that it made him feel like a stud…similar to how he felt one time back in high school when he made out (no intercourse) with 3 different girls in the same night. H also said that he’s not going to lie to me (because he doesn’t do *that* any more) but that he will always remember the fun things that he and OW did.
Hmmm. Let’s look at those fun things for a minute. It all comes down to hotels, drinking and sex. H and OW planned a lot of things (in the 1st A) that actually did not happen like; white water rafting, dancing, hiking, etc. OW ended up not wanting to do those things so all *fun* took place in hotel room after hotel room in different cities, squeezed in during business trips, etc. H has repeatedly said that sex with OW was not good although I’ve read emails between the two of them where that’s all they talked about…! Nothing was planned during the second A except for meeting in hotel rooms.
How can H still think that anything to do with the last OW was at all good? I guess it’s like what is said in NJF. That unless the A is exposed to reality and the light of day, the OP’s tend to keep the A in a bubble, it stays in fantasy land and they remember it as a good thing forever. H’s XW never knew of this A (at least as far as H knows) so he never had to live through any consequences or see the pain of a BS. The PA was stopped by OW at one point although the EA continued on for the past 10 years.
OW lied to H.
OW lied to me.
OW said horrible things to me on the phone.
OW claims to have been a BS too but helped inflict this terrible pain on someone else.
OW saw pictures of me, my boys and my niece but still had sex with my H.
H said that all of his good memories are from the first A, not the second A that hurt me so badly. He compares it to having memories about an old girlfriend which is so NOT the case here.
But then H turns around says he wishes he never met the OW, is disgusted with himself, disgusted with his past that’s filled with multiple A’s, sad that he’s hurt so many people and wants to be a better person.
Are his *good memories* still part of a fog? Does H need more healing? Or a 2X4? Will the *good memories* clear up once H makes amends to his XW?
H has made huge behavioral changes during the past year. He’s actually becoming the man I always thought he was. He’ll have one year of sobriety this week which, that alone, has improved his life, my life and our M immensely.
What am I left with here? I’m just not sure.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
sss
<small>[ October 11, 2004, 07:34 AM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>
