I have been coming here since mid Sep. I have told some of my friends about this site. It has helped me a lot on the bad days and just on everyday in general. I am of coarse still going through certain pains from both of our A's. I am not mad or angry. I guess just sad and disappointed. I am actually having a harder time with myself. What I once thought was innocent in my actions, I have found to be very damaging to myself and down right cruel to my H. I could never begin to explain to him my feelings and thoughts over the first 5yrs of our marriage. (we just celebrated our 7th year) I am extremely lucky that I did not do more damage. So on to my question.

I am having a hard time trying to figure out why affairs are so common. I understand that I contributed to my H affair. I understand that he contributed in mine. But still how is it that in todays world it is so common and in a way accepted? My parents and his were married for 30yrs plus. My dad could be a real a-hole. My mom just dealt with it cause see loved him. She did not go out and seek another man. He did not seek another woman. My H's dad worked a lot. He was the main provider for his family. My H said they would sometimes only see him once a week if lucky. Did his mom seek another man or did his dad find a woman on the side? NO!! Is there no respect for marriage and the vows we take or the 10 commandments anymore?? Hey I am one of the people out there making the mistakes. I just don't get it. Why is the temptation so great? Why is it that we can't or don't say no?

I always loved my H. I never in these 7yrs did not love him. I did not always like my situation at times and felt like I may not want to be married. But in all with all of the feelings good and bad, I did not want to lose him, and certainly did not EVER want to hurt him. So why do we purposely hurt them anyway??

Should be interesting!!

Ann <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I think at times we delude ourselves, feel justified, and are thus able to push all blame away from ourselves and indulge our more selfish behaviors. We usually stop listening to our consciences and as we get more into the justification our consciences and the still small voice of what is good and right gets quieter and quieter.

We may tell ourselves that our happiness will benefit our marriage or we deserve this selfish indulgence because our EN's not being satisfactorily met within our marriage; be it for time, attention, admiration, sexual excitment et al.

And then we may convince ourselves that no one will be hurt because no one will find out and the A will only enhance our marriage because it will make us happy. Then we may fall in luuvvvve. But we didn't mean to...
Then there may be further justification. We may start to resent our spouses and get angry over little or nothing.

Most A's seem to follow a pattern of self deception and delusion to allow ourselves to feel like it is okay and that no one will be hurt. We are all human and thus fallible, we are not all that unique in our fallibility given the right circumstances.

Until reality sets in and the fantasy breaks the fog cover. Then hopefully there will be a period of guilt, remorse, repentance, and ultimately: forgiveness and recovery. Bounderies must be established to prevent another A.

I know there are others here who can better articulate an answer to your question. But I saw that no one had yet.

Ann40,
In my opinion, your question isn’t rational so giving you a rational answer to it isn’t really possible.

All the answer I believe, that any one could give, is that human kind is an imperfect being at best and as such, from time to time acts out with a full range of emotions that literally beg the question of how we define that very humanity that we claim for our selves.

If you look at all the truly horrible acts that man kind has perpetrated against not only his own species but against those other species that also inhabit our world, it’s sad to say that in truth, infidelity is really the one the most mild of our transgressions. I mean, cheating can’t really be equated to say genocide, an act that certain of our kind seem to perform at least once somewhere in this world, in every generation. Our how about a certain mother who just a few years ago killed 3 or 4 of her children, drown them in car, because she thought that she couldn’t have a relationship with a boy friend who didn’t like children unless she could get rid of them!

Kind of make you wonder doesn’t it?

Coach

Well Coach this is what I was afraid of. Looking for an answer that just isn't there or possible. Yes why do people do a lot of the things they do. I suppose in my case, it could be worse.

Maybe I need to learn to never expect perfection. I think I grew up that way. Wanting everything to be perfect. I have no idea why.

ann

Ann, I have come to the conclusion that affairs trigger a brain imbalance that makes self delusion possible. Truly.

My FWW was a perfectly rational woman , went absolutely haywire during and after the A and is now approaching rationality once more.

The decisions she made were not normal for her nor were they even slightly rational.

Maybe that would explain how formerly sensible people can behave like unbelievably selfish dorks during As ?

Ann,

I think you answered you own question. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I need to learn to never expect perfection. I think I grew up that way. Wanting everything to be perfect. I have no idea why. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You parents are close to my age probably, and my parents obviously were born in the first 1/4 of the last century. Marriage always had a component of romance,but it had a larger expectation that life was not perfect, and that a marriage was a "working" arrangement that benefited both. I think people were more pragmatic in their expectations of marriage.

But, what has also changes is the world. I don't think people are really any more predisposed to have affairs, but tha ability to meet new people and different people, and the autonomy of the current society really help.l

First there were airplanes which made getting ANY place in the world easy. So one was not limited to a county,state or even a country. So someone in a small town now had more access to new people and fewer people to watch them that knew them. Then came the internet and virtually NO ONE is isolated anymore. They don't even need to leave their house.

So the answer is a mix of things, plus the simple fact that people admit more now than they did in your parents day.

So have I added to your confusion? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL