D-day 9/28. WH and OW work for the same co, but it's a BIG co. and he insists he can avoid her. He has agreed to have no contact with her to "try to work on our M but can't make any guarantees our M will work." Has also said that he "may not be able to resist contacting her." He acts like he's doing me a favor by staying and trying to work on the M. A few weeks before D-day, we had the "I don't know what I want, I'm not in love with you anymore," talk and I talked to him and wrote him letters trying to talk him into staying and trying. After D-day, I still wanted to stay M. BUT...I feel like he's not totally committed to this, like maybe he's thinking he'll try for a while or at least pretend to try and then say, "well, sorry, didn't work" and go to the OW. Of course, she's M too, though, and would have to leave her H. OR he's going to try to continue the A secretly. I know he doesn't want anyone to know about the A. I would rather keep it a secret from his family, friends and co-workers also, just to "save face" for myself when I'm around them. I have told my closest friends, though. I'm also afraid that if the A is exposed, then he won't have as much incentive to stay here.

So my question is, I'm thinking about letting him know that I need him to be totally committed to our M recovery and 100% N/C with OW. I know he has the idea that I will stay in the M no matter what and I'm afraid he's taking advantage of that. But I want to convey to him that that's not necessarily true. I will NOT continue to live in the same houst with him if the A continues or if there's any chance of it continuing. In the past week and a half we have had good days and bad days. Sometimes he's "friendly" with me (although never smiles, something I really miss) and sometimes he's just downright snotty with me. We had S 2 days after D-day but not since. He will let me snuggle with him a little while we're sleeping, though. I'm afraid that if I push the trust issue (asking to see his cell phone, etc.) that it will be a major LB. I am so confused and don't know what to do at this point. Do I just wait a couple weeks to see if the fog lifts and if it doesn't, then that would probably indicate C with OW? Or do I insist on 100% committment now? Also, he has worked for this co. for 16 years and is doing quite well there. At what point should I ask him to consider looking for another job? I can't possibly go through life with them working at the same place forever. But I think that right now, with him having so much uncertainty about whether or not we'll actually be able to recover our M, it's out of the question.

Does her husband know what's going on? He has a right to know and could help in no contact.

Read up on MB principles. Unless there is no contact, recovery can not begin.

Get Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs. Get him to read them too. Either contact the Harley's for counseling or find a marriage counselor in your area.

The moodiness is either withdrawal or he's still in contact. I suspect with his statements that he doesn't know if the marriage will work, there's still contact. This relationship needs to be exposed. Her husband should be first on your list. I would hold off on telling family/friends/employer until you get into counseling-which may never need to be done. They are both in a fog at this point and something needs to be done to clear the air. Read up on Plan A. Begging and pleading never work.

I feel badly for what you are going through but this is just the very beginning of your rollercoaster ride.

If your H's is behaving as he is I'd say he is still involved in the A and has not begun withdrawal. It is highly unlikely that this will be over very quickly or within your timing.

I would suggest that you read James Dobson's 'Love Must Be Tough', as well as Surviving an Affair if you haven't already.

If you do separate it should be your H that moves out. If he won't go no contact, then exposure is the next step. I assume you have read everything in the concepts section and articles on this site especially about plan A. Worthatry and 2long had a thread recently, I think, that talked about exposure in a concentric circle, you can look that up to read about that concept. It talked about in what order and for what reasons you expose and to whom first etc. NC will be difficult if they work in the same place.

People in A's can behave very much like a person addicted to a drug. What you are experiencing is normal. You need to take what your WS says to you with a grain of salt because you must consider that they are not in their right mind. Mine doesn't believe he said half the things he said during that stage you are in. I know it is difficult to not take it to heart. They will try to rewrite the history of your marriage.

You need to be your best SufferingW possible. Remain as calm and centered as you can.

How long have you been M and do you have children?

We've been married 15 years, together 18 1/2 and have 2 kids, 10 and 5. I thought about telling her BH, but I don't know who he is. I don't know much about this OW really. I did find what I think MIGHT be OW & her BH's address/phone number. Thought I'd just try it, talk to the H, ask if his W works at such-and-such place and see. I'm really nervous about doing it, though.