I posted my link in Plan A/B this morning, and no one has replied at all!!! I'm flipping out, I need advice!!

Plan A/B

-Caren

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by CarenMc:
<strong> I posted my link in Plan A/B this morning, and no one has replied at all!!! I'm flipping out, I need advice!!

Plan A/B

-Caren </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Caren, first thing- you need a new IC. Actually, have you considered talking to Dr. Harley- or another one of the MB MC? How did your daughter's dinner go tonight?

First you cannot flip out. You must be calm to do this. And yes, your husband can divorce you, whether you want a divorce or not. But let's not worry about that right now.

Start by making changes in you. No more bounced checks - it is too expensive. Also keep your home sparkling clean. Do this for you and your child.

This is going to take time, so don't expect results right away.

Sad:

I know I need a new IC, I am going to call my doctor and have him refer me to one. How do I go about talking to Dr. Harley or an MB counselor? I mean I think I have to be referred for my insurance to pay for it.

You asked about the "dinner" with my daughter tonight. Well, I went and picked my H up @ 5:30, and we went to a place called Magic Mountain. It has golf, arcade games, go carts etc. We talked all the way there about nothing, I just kept asking him questions, like "How was work?"...and other questions along that line, so we actually had a conversation the whole way to the place. Then we got there and bought 100 tokens to play the video games (we took my daughter Lauren and our daughter Brooklyn). We had a lot of fun playing the video games, and then we went out and raced in the go carts. I offered to just watch...but he said "No, you're driving one"...so I did. It was fun, and the whole time I was all smiles, it felt like old times. After we were done with the go carts the girls asked what we were gonna do now and my H said "We're gonna go get something to eat" So he took us to a restaurant and we had dinner together. We had a really nice time. On the way home I told the girls to tell their Dad "thank you" (I still have to remind them) and they did....then I put my hand on his thigh and squeezed and said "I'll thank you later....." He started laughing and said "No!" I said "No?" and kept being flirty and sexy with him, and judging by the physical reaction he liked it...but kept saying no "So I leaned over and whispered a little something in his ear, just something I know turns him on, and that was all she wrote....the girls needed to go to the bathroom, so I let them go inside his house (our old house together) and still kept giving him "the look" and he'd just sorta giggle about it. Then he kissed the girls and they went outside and I sorta lingered for a sec, and he said "So....I'm gonna talk to you later?" I said "Uh-huh". I came home and put the girls to bed, and then told my 19 year old I was gonna run out for about an hour. I went back to his house and we had some seriously awesome sex...I am pulling out all the stops in this department, I'm blowing his mind, afterwards, I scratched his back, and rubbed his feet (which he loves, but I hated to do)Then I said "Okay, I've gotta go home..." and I got dressed and got my things together and went home....I want to tell him I love him, but as I said before, this makes him uncomfortable, so I don't do it.

He did mention while we were out that he wasn't going to be able to take our daughter for visitation Saturday because he was going out of town....our daughter was a little upset, and asked where he was going, he said "Down south with Alonzo (his cousin)" I just let it slide, I know that grilling him isn't going to get me anywhere so I stopped myself from asking any questions.

Sorry that was so long, but that's what happened this evening. He always wants me to call him when I get home after these little interludes, to make sure I got home okay....and I didn't call immediately when I walked in the door, so he called me 2 minutes after I got here, because he was worried. Then he just said "Okay, I just wanted to make sure you got home okay" I said "Yep, I'm here..." He said "Okay......have a good day at work tommorrow." I said "You too!! Talk to ya' later" And that was it.

I was able to fall asleep when I went to bed, but then my 12 year old woke me up, so now I'm not relaxed, the doubt has creeped back in ... and I can't stop thinking long enough to sleep.

*sigh* How long is the "long time" that plan A is going to take? This is so painful, but I will have to say, this appears to be working better than any other method I've ever attempted....he at least responds a little to me.

-Caren

Caren,
Sometimes the needs we meet are not the ones that are most important.

Have you read "His Needs, Her needs," and do you understand the basic concepts taught on this web site?

Also you said that he doesn't like it when you say you love him.


It can be that he is getting different signals from you. If domestic support is very important to him (clean house) and it isn't clean, he probably feels that you SAY you love him, but that your actions show otherwise. That is, can there be a conflict between what you say, and how he feels based on your past actions?

You may want to say some other things (for the near future) that he may accept a little better.

I miss you
I adore you
I love the sound of your voice
It makes me feel so good to spend time with you
It feels so good when you hold me.
I feel so safe when you hold me

Think of other things he likes to be complmented about, and see if you can work those things in.

Think about the things he has already told you about (that he needs.) Can you put together a plan so that they can become non issues? Do you think you can make a plan that can hold up long term?

All the best to you.

SS

Still:

I don't exactly have a "plan" for how to change the things that he has said bothered him in our marriage, for the long term, but I now know that I wasn't listening to him...I heard him, but I wasn't listening, I rated what he was saying as infinitely less important than it was. I don't think I'll do that anymore.

I guess my question is, what do I do about not knowing if there is an OW or not? I don't know how to approach this. On one hand I sorta don't want to know...on the other hand I don't know how I can move forward if I don't. He refuses to admit that there's anything like that going on at all, and unless I catch them somewhere together, I really don't know how I'm going to find out. It makes me physically sick to my stomach to even think about him with an OW, or to think that is the reason he has chosen to live without his family.

It sucks, I was all happy yesterday after we went out with my daughters, things couldn't have gone any better.....but today, I'm feeling the same old way again, unsure, chest tight, back muscles tightening, sick to my stomach....I feel like I'm going to pass out all the time. Even with all the meds I'm on I can't seem to get this in check...and now I get to go and spend 12 long hours at work....what did I do to deserve this?

-Caren <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It is nice to know what you are up against, but you can plan A even if you don't know.

The only way to know for sure is to catch him, or find solid proof.

Some Hire a PI to get the info, but that can be expensive. Where is is no longer home, it would be hard to do it other ways.

BTW, I am not blaming you for his problems. You hae a share in the state of the marriage, but his way of dealing with it could use some help too. I believe he should have got both of you into counseling. That may still be an option.

How long have you been on your meds? Somtimes it takes a while for them to work.

How was work? Are you OK tonight?

SS