H is filing for divorce. I am beside myself with grief. I tried... I really tried, but it's over. He just doesn't want us to be married, never tried to pretend to act like he was married, believes this is the right thing to do, etc. I spent nearly 6 hours with him last night as we covered every territory in our feelings for one another, but in the end he would not reconsider. I guess at some point I have to ask myself, when am I just going to accept this and get on with my life?

I'm run down, emotionally and physically. I just feel like life is not worth it. I failed by chosing the wrong partner and it's lead me here to absolute rock bottom. For the last two months I've done nothing but cry, it feels like. I can't go fifteen minutes without bawling over something. I hurt and there seems to be no end to the pain... It just keeps feeding off itself. I feel like there's no end in sight. I want a "true love" to come and lift me out of the ashes of my life, since the pain of his own suffering is eased somewhat by his "true love". He told me he hoped I didn't think the M was over because of another woman. Well, that's what it looks like from this angle. But yeah, maybe the whole time I've been married to him he's been trying to send out signals that he can't meet my needs no matter how hard he tries and this is just the big explosion at the end where I have to face the facts because I have no choice.

He held me and kissed me and told me I was perfect and beautiful and that part of him still loved me. That it would be easier to stay with me than to leave me. He cried, I cried. We talked and he tried to explain it to me while I tried to explain it to him. But we got nowhere. He says it's hard for him, that he never wanted to be the one who hurts me like this. I kept thinking it doesn't have to be you... You could stop all of this madness right now if only... If only you would change. And that, I guess, is a big sign right there. I can't keep wishing he'd change, because he's not going to. He's started down a different path and perhaps it is best that I not get dragged along with him. My life is about to catapault forward and his is just making an enormous U-Turn. I'm getting a degree in something that I'm good at, something that I have a better than reasonable chance of making a living doing, something that I love doing. He, on the other hand, is one step away from being a failed musician or the next big thing that never was. He works these menial little jobs that he knows he can leave at the drop of a hat, even though he's brilliant. He caves in at the slightest amount of pressure and would rather run and hide than step up to a challenge. Or at least where I'm concerned.

He also told me about how OW is not to blame, that he thinks he's going to end up losing both of us when all is said and done. He said he thinks he's not "everything" to the OW. He said OW's friends are saying he's going to turn around and do the same thing to her that he did to me. On and on. I don't want to be told that this is fog talk and everything will be okay, because at some point it's not helping me to believe that he will come around.

I don't know what to say... So much more happened. I wish I could have tape recorded to whole thing so I could carry it around and show people that this is precisely what he said, rather than rely on my own pathetic skills to repeat it.

I just want to know how to move on. I want to know if the pain will ever stop. I want to know if I'm ever going to have a reasonable shot at happiness. I know, I'm young... Life is just begining. But it sure feels like it's over.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sarahbellem:
<strong>
I'm run down, emotionally and physically. I just feel like life is not worth it. I failed by chosing the wrong partner and it's lead me here to absolute rock bottom. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm probably not the right person to be reaching out to you right now- but I just felt that I needed to respond to your post.

You did NOT FAIL by choosing the wrong partner, Sarah. You offered him your heart and gave him your love, respect and vows. NONE of that makes you a "Failure." Giving your heart to someone is always taking a chance- but not ever taking a chance would be the worst thing of all.

I posted to you below, but I'll recap here- you are an obviously intelligent, articulate confident woman. If things do not work out with your H (and I'm sure the more experienced MB'ers here will give you their opinion of your conversation and your H's statements) you WILL find happiness, peace and love again. I know that doesn't help a whole lot right now, but I guarantee that it is true. I've personally had a time in my life that I thought I would never survive- that happiness would never be mine again. Different situation, but similar emotions. It was incredibly painful, and I didn't even know if I WANTED to survive if life was going to be so full of horror and pain. But I did...and I got through it and am in a much better place in my life now.

Sending gentle hugs to you.

Sarah,

I feel so much for you right now.

I'm so sorry.

sad is right, tho. you are obviously quite a woman.

I'll say a prayer for you.

retarting

Sarah,
Reading your post really made me realize that all WS seem to say the same things. They seem to forget the one person that has stood by them, supported them, cared for them and loved them. My WH said almost the exact same things to me. Except I heard the speech that he never really loved me that he stayed with me all these years thinking he could grow to love me. I know in my heart it's not true but it's sad they actually believe it.

I am sending you hugs and prayers...This is very hard but we will find a way to make it. Take care of yourself.

sb - I know you are going through a tough time right now, but it will get better. Your H doesn't know what he wants right now and most of what comes out of his mouth you can't take to heart. You can't fully blame yourself either for what has happened. You did not fail.

I have heard the same crap verbatim come out of my WW mouth that you have heard. That she wants a D. That the OM has nothing to do with it. That it would be easier to stay with me than leave. That a part of her still loves me. He we are 5 months later and she still hasn't filed for D.

You need to pull yourself together and hang in there. Are you familiar with plan A? And if so are you doing one right now? If not you should be.

Things will get easier, just take care of yourself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I failed by chosing the wrong partner and it's lead me here to absolute rock bottom. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not the one that failed.

Your H is the one that failed.

Everything your H has said....has been said my hundreds...even millions of WS's. Most of us BS's have heard everything you have heard.....I know I have....and more.

Sarah, I feel for you.

I don't think I would have held up for a 6 hour conversation. My STBX certainly never exhibited the consideration that your WH displayed. However, I am not sure what is worse, ... being treated coldly and meanly, or with a patronizing sympathy.

Your WH's mental illness certainly complicates things. My STBX also has been medicated for a long time, but no counseling.

Sarah, you are young. Are you in IC? From your signature line it looks like your WH has a history of wayward behaivor before and after your M. Something to consider.

Where are you at? How long does a DV take in your state? There have been some people on here who have reconciled even after DV was filed.

Again, I am sorry for all your pain. I know the empty feeling of a betrayal.

Thanks, everyone, for your support. I keep mulling bits and pieces of the conversation we had last night over and over in my brain and wishing I could make sense of it. He told me that when I said I was going to get a divorce, it changed his mind because up until that point he wasn't even sure he wanted a divorce. At first I was hurt and blamed myself for jumping the gun, but then I remembered how everything lead up to that divorce decision: He started distancing himself, moved out, said he didn't want to be married anymore, said he wanted to be free, said we weren't right for each other, then I found out about OW, then I asked him if we could salvage the relationship at which point he said no, absolutely not, and then I said "Well, I guess that leaves us at divorce". So, explain to me how I jumped the gun on that? Explain to me how his actions didn't scream "divorce" before it was even said? And when I backed out of seeking the divorce last week, he still decided he wanted to go forward with it. At any point in this drama he could have told me his feelings and been honest with me instead of dancing around the subject, making me guess what he meant. But he didn't do that. So, it's somehow my doing that pushed him into wanting a divorce? It doesn't make any sense!

And yeah, I'm afraid that he's going to stall on the divorce, too. I'm afraid that I'm going to be spending a lot of time twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to get the paperwork squared away because I don't trust him to be efficient about this. I guess I should set a time limit and if nothing happens within, oh, a month, I'll start making the arrangements.

Someone asked how long it takes for a D to become final... Six months here in California. Yeah, it's possible he'll want to reconcile after the D is final, but I can't do it. He's sick, and this sh*t keeps happening over and over and it's not fair to me to keep accepting him back into my life so he can self-destruct all over again and leave me with the mess.

Also, he's not a serial cheater, but he's always been looking over his shoulder for someone better. Our relationship is longest he's ever had with any one woman, which I'm going to take full credit for because I've been one hell of a loving partner. In the four years we've been together he's broken up with me three times... First for a girl he worked with at a music store and the relationship went nowhere because she was still deeply involved with another guy and H (who was then just my boyfriend) ended up switching jobs shortly thereafter. I'd gone off to college 300 miles away. He could have walked away scott free at that point, but within 2 months he was on my doorstep with a ring in his pocket.

The second time he tried to end it with me was a week before our wedding. This time it was for the current OW, who he only had a vague hunch at the time was a better match for him than me. He hadn't seen her in 7 years, only talked to her once on the phone right before trying to break it off with me, and she was living 3,000 miles away so the chances of having anything happen with her were pretty slim. But it was enough for him to decide he wanted out of our relationship. I put my foot down HARD on that one and told him to suck it up, we were getting married, and I wasn't in the mood to argue that point. Hm. Maybe I should have just let him go right there. Oh well.

And now, the third time's a charm and it's with the same girl as the second time. Only now she lives less than 100 miles away and he's in pretty much constant contact with her. Their feelings for one another never changed over the years (which makes me wonder, if their feelings were so amazing, why the hell didn't the relationship progress beyond a one night stand in college? Oh yeah, because H was manic at the time and OW was an emotional leech who ran off to New York because she couldn't "cope" or something with life where she was). I'm positive they've gone from EA to PA after seeing H's little studio where he's temporarily staying. Candles had been lit. When H lights candles, he's having sex. Didn't introduce me to an aquaintence as his wife, either. Just said "This is Sarah..."

Oooh, and here's another one: He originally "had feelings" for my sister before we met. We met through my sister, and she liked him as a friend, but not anything else. So, when I came into the picture, we clicked, it was great, but he kept hanging on to the fact that he was romantically interested in sis first... Disregard that he wasn't interested in her romantically after that point, but he hung on to that and filed it away in his mental drawer marked "Reasons to ditch Sarah". He actually told me that this was one of his legitimate reasons for wanting to end our marriage... Because he originally thought my sister was cute and wanted to date her before meeting me and falling in love with me. Man, they'll tell you the craziest stuff, these WS's!

So, fog or no fog, it's not a healthy situation for me to be in. Do I want to believe that this is just a fog? You bet I do. I want to believe that with all my heart and soul. My only problem is that I am being massively hurt here and I can't sit around waiting for the fog to lift. And then, if and when it lifts, if he comes back and wants to work things out after a divorce, what kind of shmuck would I have to be to say yes??? Yes, you sh*t on my heart a bunch of times, but that's ok, I still love you? Come on. Forgiveness is maybe the best I can hope for in this case, but H has really had enough chances from me.

Sarah,

I feel for you. I wish I knew when the pain will end. Its amazes me what comes out of the WS mouths. It seems there must be a book of quotes all of them must use.

You are so young, starting over for me at 38 will be harder, but the pain is the same. Learning to give your heart to someone again and to trust them will be difficult. I still love my WH with all my heart. I know I'll be divorce in about 4 weeks. Just in time for the holidays.

I was hoping the man I love will come back to me, he is being malipulated by the OW. I wanted to save my marriage, but it takes two.

At least you and your H talked this out. That is what my WH promised me when he walked out on me. Two months later found out he moved to Vegas (we live in NJ) with the OW and filed for divorces there, I received the papers few days after our wedding anniversary. Fourteen years together and this how it ends. Didn't even discuss it with me at all.

The moving on part will be hard. At least we have this website, wonderful people who have experienced or is experiencing what we are going though.

Life gives us challenges. I know I gave my WH the best of me and all the love I can give him. I wish I can change his mind. I try to think it is his lost, he left someone who loved him with all her heart and soul.

Through all this I tried to take the high road, never lower my standards and beliefs and MB has been so helpful.

We are here for you. We know your pain.

Sarah -

You are very young, and I know that does not make anything better. You still will go through the pain and grief.

But I hope you will not blame yourself for picking your husband. This is his failing. You kept your vows, tried, and did what you were supposed to do. That is life. It isn't fair.

My WH tells me the same thing - that I was a perfect wife, blah, blah, blah. He is weak, and will probably be that way the rest of his life.

But you can move on. I am much older than you and I have a wonderful life after going through 22 months of this. It will take you some time, but you will get through this too.

You will discover that you have worth apart from your husband. You gave him a precious gift - your love. He did not appreciate it. But that does not mean that someone else won't.

Stick with us, and we will help you through this misery.

I think what kills me about this is that my heart goes out to him. It breaks even more when I see him self-destructing and behaving this way. And then all the dialog on top of that, it just gets unbearable.

Last night, we were sitting my car after leaving the restauraunt... He was fog babbling about something and it hit a nerve and I suddenly whirled around and he flinched. That flinch made me feel so horrible... I think he thought I was going to hit him. I would never, ever hurt him. Then couple that with all the pain he's causing me and I just don't understand why he thinks he's doing what's right. He tells me that one day I'll understand. I don't think I ever will be able to understand it, though. I think what will happen is that I'll move on, find happiness somewhere else and then he'll be able to say "See? It was for the best." But it's not... It's just that I can and will move on. If this scenario played out with him commiting to the relationship, I'd be so happy.

I just don't know. I'm trying to focus on homework (missed class today because I was so upset about last night) and I can't bring myself to do anything. A friend just called to express concern for my wellbeing and asked if she could do anything, but I just want to be left alone.

I miss the man I thought I married. Sometimes I wonder if he even existed at all.

Sarah,
That is the hard part for me as well. I still am worried about my STBX. Of course she would just look at me cross-eyed and scowl that I "don't need to worry about her, or that she doesn't need my concern." Of course that does nothing to keep me from worrying, in fact it makes me worry more because of how blind it appears she is to what is happening to her and the family.

So yes it is hard to see decisions made and actions taken that can cause irrepairable damage.

And I also many times wonder if the woman I married ever existed at all. Or it was all a charade as she claims it was. For my own peace of mind I choose to believe that she was better than this, and that she has the ability to be that way again soon.

But her total lack of conscience is the most hurtful/worrisome thing of all. What is a person without conscience?

Oh and what I really wanted to add was, the DV isn't your fault. Him saying your brought it up is just his way to blame you for his actions.

I have some serious reservations about your WH, and the relationship you've had with him as you've described.

I applaud your committment. At your age, without children, it would such the easy way out to let him go. But I admire that you choose to honor your vows, for better or worse, in sickness and health.

You are in the "worse" with him..."sick". But you stay ....

You've done things the right way.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Tom Joad:
<strong> Oh and what I really wanted to add was, the DV isn't your fault. Him saying your brought it up is just his way to blame you for his actions. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

Yeah, I know. Still hurts though, because I admitted that I regretted being the first person to mention divorce. I guess he saw an oppertunity to try to shift some of the blame onto me.

<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have some serious reservations about your WH, and the relationship you've had with him as you've described.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I was always willing to forgive him for this crap because he was bipolar. I blamed the disease, not him. Now I'm starting to realize it's not that easy to separate the two...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I applaud your committment. At your age, without children, it would such the easy way out to let him go. But I admire that you choose to honor your vows, for better or worse, in sickness and health.

You are in the "worse" with him..."sick". But you stay .... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></strong>

I am stubborn is really what it amounts to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

In all seriousness, I love him. I've always loved him. I'm just praying to God that at some point I can stop loving him, because it's not helping me to keep doing this kind of thing. He's not going to change for me. He sees divorce as his way out... He claims it hurts him to do this. He says he knows I'm good for him. But... What I want isn't an option. This whole time he's thinking about himself and OW's needs and what about me?

I told him it was sick that I'm barred from being able to express my love to him physically because of the OW taking priority in his life. I'm his wife, god dammit. I should take precedence.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>You've done things the right way. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray that the next guy I marry, if that ever happens, at least sees that it wasn't me that caused this marriage to destruct. I keep thinking that any man in his right mind would kill to have a partner like me... I'm independant, I'm intelligent, I'm good looking, I'm creative, I'm loving, I'm supportive, I'm loyal and so on. But here this one guy looks at all of that decides to chuck it out the window because some how it's cramping his style or something. What a loser. I should be overjoyed to be rid of him.

Unfortunately, I'm not at the overjoyed stage yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ October 11, 2004, 07:00 PM: Message edited by: Sarahbellem ]</small>