Here is my update....

ww has verbally committed to M.
ww has verbally committed to n/c.
ww has shown over the last week that there is hope of our m.
ww has shown more affection and has been more talkative.
ww tries to avoid talking about A. I understand this.
ww has agreed to MC together......

These, i believe are all positive signs. But my gut tells me that C has not stopped. I dont have evidence of continued C...its just my gut....

my point is that before i KNEW that there was C and now im not sure that there is and Im more confused and protective of my feelings. Im afraid of opening myself again to more hurt....

Am i being selfish in my thoughts? How do i proceed with discussing A and R with ww?

I want to get it all out and move on and there seems to be something holding her back. Not sure if its the withdrawal or the fact that she doesnt want to deal with the guilt or pain or all of the above.

Things have been moving in a positive direction and i dont want to get in our own way.....

Please advise....

JAH,

Feel free to kick me if this seems oversimplified.

Why not just say to your W:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Things have been moving in a positive direction and i dont want to get in our own way..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">but.....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But my gut tells me that C has not stopped. I dont have evidence of continued C...its just my gut....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What can we do to get past this?

And listen, see what she says.

Perhaps this is where your MC can help....

Ethan

thanks

We have a session tomorrow and i will bring it up.

do i just continue with plan A?

Plan A is intended as a way to "end an affair."

The behaviors within, are really something we should all practice, right?

But yes, continue those behaviors. Just be observant and make sure that your boundaries, if not clearly defined, A. are defined, and B. that you (or her) don't backtrack over them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just a Husband:
[QB

But my gut tells me that C has not stopped. I dont have evidence of continued C...its just my gut....
Please advise.... [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When would they be having contact? Are you checking her cell records- her email etc?

sadfww

cant check phone records on this cell (she denies the extistance of).

Sad...i am particularly interested in your point of view since you are a fww. I am interested in knowing how you handled withdrawal and how did your husband react to you during this period..?

What can i do to make this continue to work for both of us? What should i NOT do to make this work for both of us?

^

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just a Husband:
<strong> sadfww

cant check phone records on this cell (she denies the extistance of).

Sad...i am particularly interested in your point of view since you are a fww. I am interested in knowing how you handled withdrawal and how did your husband react to you during this period..?

What can i do to make this continue to work for both of us? What should i NOT do to make this work for both of us? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JAH- sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

Let me first give you a bit of my story. I am NOT a MB poster child. I had 2 PA's 8 years ago. Each lasted for one year. I did not come clean to my H until 3 years after that. In the meantime I made myself extremely sick (anxiety/depression you name it.) Dday came b/c I couldn't stand the deception any longer- the lying by ommission. At that time, we were already in no contact with the OM, so he didn't have to see me go through withdrawal. My withdrawal didn't last long, however...I was overcome with horror at what I had done pretty quickly. What my H DID have to live with was the mental illness that was triggered due to my extreme stress and state of confusion. ALL of my beliefs about myself had pretty much been shattered. I was the "good girl" in my family- the responsible one that could always be counted on. To have that taken away from me BY MY OWN ACTIONS was basically a shock..and it paralyzed me for several years.

Ok, so here's my advice for what it is worth. Continue to *snoop*- your wife is not as of yet trustworthy. As you know, contact will only prolong the affair and send her spinning back into fogland. BUT, be loving- be gentle and stay in plan A. You said that your W will go to MC with you. GOOD! Make sure that you choose a therapist that you are comfortable with - and that will work with MB principles.

Don't know if this long winded reply helps at all. If there is anything else you want to talk about just let me know!

Thanks....

Last night we went over the EN quest..it was enlightening. We both put the priorities in pretty much the same order.

I am still very unsure and very cautious and i fell that this will prevent me from moving on with a continued effective plan A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just a Husband:
<strong> Thanks....

Last night we went over the EN quest..it was enlightening. We both put the priorities in pretty much the same order.

I am still very unsure and very cautious and i fell that this will prevent me from moving on with a continued effective plan A. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JAH- have you talked with Bob Pure about plan A'ing? Listen, you have REASON to feel unsure and cautious. But that doesn't mean that you can't do an effective Plan A.

I have read some of his postings and will re-read them.

Thanks

JAH, just a few thoughts. Looking at your bio I see your W came back into the M a really short time ago. You said that something is holding your W back from moving on. What's holding her back is that she replaced you with someone else, and it's going to take time to reverse that.

My H's OW had to work for him for another month before she was finally gone. He made a point of never being alone with her, so the active EA/PA was no more. I couldn't wait until she was finally gone because then I thought we could finally begin recovery. Was I in for a surprise. That is when the withdrawal REALLY started. It seemed like we were making no progress. Then a month into it H confessed that after 2 weeks he asked her to come to his business for closure. He swears there was no sex, just kisses and "Oh, this is so hard!" talk, with some ILYs scattered in the mix. He ended up calling her every other day for 2 weeks. When true NC began it was hellish withdrawal for quite a while. Maybe because I never went to the Plan A forum I didn't understand Plan A. All I can say is I plan Aed my butt off, even though he was done with her. Of course with some really bad LBs thrown in there over the months.

Talking about the A has been a process. During the heavy part of withdrawal, as hard as it is, you just need to be there to help them get over it. I wanted to throw the towel in many times during this phase. I called Steve Harley at this point to help me through it, and eventually H began talking to him.

I don't know if any of this helps. During the 2 weeks he was calling her he lied right to my face when I asked him almost daily if he had contacted her. I was being so great to him that is why his guilt finally got the better of him. Also he knew I wouldn't stand for it. Once we got over that he stopped lying to me. Good luck! I know this is so hard! CV

CV

Thanks....

The issue here is that i believe that there is still a 2nd secret cell phone that i dont have access to the records of. I suspected the existance of this during the A.

ww wont admit to this and swears that it doesnt exist but her actions now (still) are suspecious. The cell is moved from room to room depending on my location in the house. If i happen to be in the same room that the cell is in then she comes charging in and doesnt leave and starts to do little things so as not to leave the room. Then shortly after she will ask what is wrong....its a pattern that is all too familiar.

Its like she is holding on to this one small thing that she has total control over and it gives her some sense of security....not sure if this is normal withdrawal behavior and not sure if she is actually in withdrwal yet.