I am so confused... I betrayed my husband, had a 9m affair. I got caught, Iv'e realized the error of my ways, I have no interest in seeing the OM, I am in counseling, I am doing whatever it takes to save my marriage I so recklessly took for granted. My H was having private conversations with the OM girlfriend, basically about the OM and my A. However, they call each other on a regular basis to just talk as "friends". This is how my A started in the first place, so I am feeling uneasy and a threatned by their private conversations. I do not feel like I deserve to have a say in what my H does, I know he is hurting, I really don't know if I am justified in being concerned about this. Our MC advised us to let the OM girlfriend know that we were in the process of reconciling and working on our M and for her and my H to continue private conversation would not be a good idea. If the OM girlfriend had any questions regarding the A, I would be more than willing to answer any questions. However, she called my H the other night on his cell. He let me know she called, he called her back when I wasn't around. He told me he called her and let her know what the counselor advised him to do, she said she didn't need to talk to me, and understood. However, my H told her he would call her back, and told me he dosn't agree with the MC advise and he dosn't feel he sould cut off contact with her just to make me feel better.
I don't know how to take this. It does set me back in my progress, and I feel ashamed for feeling threatned by his need to talk with her on a regular basis. Any advise??
Sag

How long has the affair been done? I talk regularly with the husband of my WH's OW. I could never get the truth, so he and I compare notes.

Anytime a married person repeatedly confides marital problems to a person of the opposite sex, in private conversation, it is a red flag.

As you said, this is how your A began, it is how a huge percentage of affairs begin.

It is also not uncommon for the BS to have an affair. The reasons vary from failing to protect their vulnerabilities, loss of self-esteem/someone other than the WS pays them some attention, to outright revenge.

Since you do feel threatened and uncomfortable, and your H still persists in his calling of her, he IS threatening your marriage and your recovery.

He is pursuing this relationship for his own purposes, not to improve his relationship with you.

He is also going against the advice of your marriage counselor, another red flag.

Read up on the MB Policy of Joint Agreement. (Neither of you engage in actions that the other does not entusiastically agree to.)

<small>[ October 11, 2004, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: Lor (Lor) ]</small>

beliver,

The affair has been over since 9-22-04, I wrote a NC letter shortly after, and have had No contact since DDay. I had no withdrawls and I am not in the "fog", we hardly had contact for 2 months prior, to Dday, we tryed to end it in June, we fooled ourselves into thinking we could continue to be "friends," with no physical contact. So I think during the two months of no communication I went thru some withdrawl symptoms, but I always knew this relationship was going no where. I have been Honest with my H about all questions he has asked. He has not been interested in details, just specific time line situations. He has said that he and the OM girlfriend just talk, and he finds comfort in talking to her. I just have to deal with it.So far I am not dealing well!

Hopefully he talks with her because he's found a kindred soul who knows firsthand the pain of infidelity BUT his reliance on her for emotional support can easily turn into an EA and then a full blown A. As hurtful as this is to you [because it is how your A started] please don't make the mistake of LB him for he will take his conversations with her further into secrecy and then the stage could be set for another A to rock your already shaky marriage. Give him reassurances that he can trust you in telling you what both of them talked about. Remember that few affairs happen in the light of day in plain view of one spouse. While you can't demand that he stop talking with her, you can ask him if he truly beleives that talking to the OM's GF really helps him recover from your A or whether it prevents his recovery by keeping the wounds opened? Then leave him alone to ponder your question.