I feel that this is probably fog talk, but that is also what I want to believe, however she is very convincing and I wonder if I am beating my head against a wall. Not that it matters, I can't give up at least until papers are done and final.
WW was always religious since I have known her, I never found god until I hit rock bottom through my current events (opening myself up to god has done more good for me than the counselor or the AD's) but her actions show no signs of religion. I was baffled that she could even stand to set foot in a church yesterday (she had the boy and wanted to take him) after OM spent the night with her atleast twice last week.
WW was having an EA since before she told me that there were even problems (I was to blind to see them myself), however she doesn't believe that there is such a thing as an EA. I believe her that it did not turn to a PA until after she moved out as I believe that is how she justifies it to herself. She told me that she felt no love for me anymore and saw no chance for it to ever return, therefore when she moved out the marriage was over (just legal work left) and for that reason she is doing nothing wrong by having a boyfriend.
I know that a lot of people truly feal that way, but for a religious person, this justification is just to hard for me to believe. Can someone give me an opinion.

As a FWH, I can tell you this:
Us WS's tell ourselves ALOT of things to make ourselves feel less guilty. Whatever justifications and rationalizations we feel will allow us to have our cake and eat it too, we will use, no matter how illogical or ridiculous.

I did it for a few years of off-and-on loveless PA's. I told myself "it's not like I LOVE any of these girls, I only love my wife" and "it's not about my W, this is about me" and "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" and "as long as I go home and am a loving attentive H than a little somethin' on the side doesn't hurt anyone" and "I'm just acting the way I'm supposed to (musician in a popular band)."

Not once did I say "I AM BETRAYING MY WONDERFUL MARRIAGE AND WILL DESTROY MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE WITH THIS ACTIVITY."
Pretty obvious, ain't it? The simplest answer was also the one that would have saved my W and I from what we are going through now.

Your WW is doing just that - rationalizing, ignoring, compartmentalizing in order to reconcile her faith with her actions.

Gently and lovingly show her the error of her ways and she won't be able to keep it up for long, because everything us WS's did/do is predicated on lies to ourselves and everyone around us.

<small>[ October 11, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: VnusMars ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She told me that she felt no love for me anymore and saw no chance for it to ever return, therefore when she moved out the marriage was over (just legal work left) and for that reason she is doing nothing wrong by having a boyfriend. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Yes, this is fog babble.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WW was having an EA since before she told me that there were even problems (I was to blind to see them myself), however she doesn't believe that there is such a thing as an EA. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WW was always religious since I have known her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hard to believe isn't it? When their actions don't match their virtues it's called cognitive dissonance and when it's translated into speech we MB'ers call it Fog Babble. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Read the Bible for the answers you seek and never cease praying to Him.

Have you done the necessary reading? That would include all applicable materials on this website starting with the basic concepts, Surviving an Affair, and His Needs Her Needs. If you have great if not then get to cracking! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I would also recommend that you get some counseling with the Harley's or a pro-marriage counselor.

Keep on posting here and we'll keep posting back. Know that we are here for you when you need us. Right now I would just think of your WW as a 2 Year old. She is being selfish and is not in sync with her values.

Take Care of yourself.

C.

While there is nothing good in the situation, that is what I was hoping to hear. It just looks like most affairs go on in secret until there is a risk of them being discovered. She was in no risk of being discovered as I thought life was great, we were busy and not spending enough time together but I never saw it coming. Unless I am wrong about when the PA started she told me up front she wanted a divorce and moved out to start it. This being what many people seem to say thay wish their WS would have done (rather than behind their back) it makes me wonder and it makes me scared.

VnusMars said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Gently and lovingly show her the error of her ways and she won't be able to keep it up for long, because everything us WS's did/do is predicated on lies to ourselves and everyone around us. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Take this one to heart tolateand lost. I love the way you put that VM. Nice to get a little ammo from the other side every now and then. Thanks.

C.

I have not done all of the reading yet, I ordered the books over the weekend and I am waiting on them to arrive. I have read as much as I could off of the website. It is just unreal that someone you have been so close to for so long can look you in the eyes (when forced)and say the things you hear.

It is amazing to me that your WW will actually go to church. I take it as a good sign. Are there any people in the church that could help her? Positive influences are what she needs right now. Although, in the end it must be her decision alone.

Read furiously! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Take out your agressions and frustrations by learning all you can. Exercise it will help your body and your self esteem. And get with the program there is much you have to learn here. Knowledge is power! If you study enough you will begin to see the ends before they arrive and that will make things less painful. You can do this!

I once read a reply from a poster I think it was faithinme that said: Everyday I wake up I ask myself three questions.
1)Do I still love my Spouse? Yes
2)Do I want my marriage back? No. I want a better one.
3)Am I willing to fight for it? Yes

What is your answer to these questions? Have faith in God and be thankful for His grace.

C.

tolateand lost,
Smells like fog talk to me. My WxW said the same thing, she didn't start "dating" OM until a whole month after she moved out. That makes it okay in her mind. It had to be okay because he was "a gift from God". My attorney got her to admit that a month was actually less than 3 weeks and "dating" means screwing. I don't believe for a heartbeat that it didn't start until after she moved out. WxW was a fairly regular church goer before, now I hear she is going to at least 2 different ones. Maybe shes shopping around for one that approves of adultery.

I have to say this is a good thread.

I enjoyed the responses and perspectives by VnusMars and Shmaley.

Maybe Fog, Maybe Real.... But it is Real painful.

Thanks to everyone for the input. This isn't news to anyone here but the fact that a WS means that you have also lost your best friend takes away your ability to talk to someone.
It is hard for me to imagine that in July we were looking for land and drawing up house plans.

Being the BS ain't easy. But I would rather be the BS than the WS cause their pain is slow and relentless. Being a BS involves a very intense and painful beginning. Then things get better as you become confident and happy with the positive changes that you make in yourself. All the while the WS starts to slide down the slippery slope of their design. BS starts in the negative and ends in the positive. WS starts in the positive and ends up in the negative. Sucks to be a WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Right now most talking and any "straightening out" of the WS will get you nowhere. Not saying that you are trying to do that but it is a very common and counter productive thing for the BS to do. Don't think of WS as your W and don't pay attention to any fog babble crapola. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Sounds like your WS is quite familiar with it right now.

You need to be in Plan A. If you haven't read about Plan A yet read the link in my sig for a primer. Or look it up on this website and then read my sig. At any rate read it. Then come back and post your questions.

C.

I hate to keep harping on the talk, but I asked my wife point blank before she moved out if she thought marrying me was a mistake. WW said "No, I can't say that I honestly think that it was a mistake, I just don't want it anymore".
I told her at the time that I didn't understand using the same language to end a M that you would to a telemarketer selling magazine subscriptions. This statement just keeps replaying in my mind. I was trying to get her to look at me while she was saying it, but she just kept looking away.