Last Sunday my husband moved to his sisters house. Saying he was staying there because his work commute would be shorter and also he needed time for himself to work on some things. I pretty much knew he would continue contact with the OW even though he told me he was going to stop so he could start to focus on what really mattered.

This weekend he came home to spend it with us. We took the boys out to the ice cream cafe and did some other little things with them. My husband seemed distant and I asked him if something was wrong... He said no.. The look on his face gave me the impression that he was bored to death to be with us and that he missed calling OW.

I guess I was right because my stepson and him went for a drive and he called OW right infront of him. I kept trying to call to ask a question but he pretty much ignored me. At this point I was pretty ticked.. I felt like he overstepped the boundaries way to far. I asked him why he called her infront of him. He said he didn't.

Before bed I asked my stepson what his dad was saying on the phone. He said he was telling the person he missed her, loved her and saying things like kiss kiss. Also told OW that I was calling several times.

He went home on Sunday night. I stared getting really bad stomach cramps so I called him. He said if you want I can come back home.. I said no because I wanted him to come because he wanted to be here ... Not because I told him. We got into a conversation about love.

He told me that he never really loved me like a husband should have our entire relationship. Dating and marriage. Said that he thought he could grow to love me so he kept trying in our relationship. Even though throughout the 7 years that we have been together I have felt totally loved and treated like a princess. Said he still cares for me and my wellbeing... Feels like he has tried in our marriage even though I don't see it at all.

Do all WS make your relationship seem like it was nothing?? I guess sometimes I feel like they tell themselves they must not love their spouse if they allowed themselves to do what they did. The saddest part is they truly believe the fog talk. Even though I know deep in my heart he did love me. It still hurts to hear him say those things and actually believe it.

SML

Yes, they all rewrite your history. Fogman even rewrites everything he says NOW, too! You'd think he has Alzheimer's or something! LOL It's called selective memory. SAA explained it like his value system shifts to accomodate the A.

I am so sorry that he called OW while with his son. I know you want to know, but I don't think it's a great idea to involve his son in snooping activities (not that I have anything against snooping per se). Don't let yourself get wrapped up in his contacts with her. It's gonna drive you nuts!

I've done this weekend thing you are starting, as you know. It's really hard, so keep your chin up and PLAN A your [censored] off.

I also posted this in recovery and got a lot of good responses. My husband also rewrites things he says now. He says one thing then the next day or week he totally changes what he said or says I never said that.

Yes him calling her does drive me nuts.. The funniest thing is he use to tell me that she was just a person to talk to. I would tell him that I knew he said certain things to her ... Like I love you and he would deny it. Now that I know he really is telling her these things it even bugs me more that he is calling her. Especially when he told me he was going to his sisters and would stop contact with her. Of course he said he never said that either and sometimes he tells me he did but just never told me when. He also gives me the line soon your just not patient enough. Ok sweetie your having a affair and I am suppose to sit back and be patient till your fun is over?

Yes the weekend thing is hard. It's so hard seeing him walk back out the door as if we don't mean that much to him at all.

Yesterday my husband stopped by my work and took me to lunch.. After working with my SIL we all went to pick apples and to dinner. He seemed ok to be around. About 9:30 we left and had to tell my husband goodbye again. It felt so weird him no coming home with us.

On the way home I decided to call him and talk because I was getting sleepy. It was a hour drive from her house. I got the familar beep that he was on the phone with someone else. So I said forget it. He tried to call me back later abotu three times but I felt hurt so I didn't pick it up. We spent the day with him but soon as we left he was calling her. Geez.. And I saw they spoke almost 2 hours. The more he continues with her like this the more close he becomes to her. The more he doesn't want our marriage and the more I start to lose hope.

I just feel down again today...My stepson has school and my 3 year old is spending a few nights with my mom.. So I may go to the mall and get a haircut and look for a few Christmas presents and some things for the baby.

This morning I sent him a email basically telling him that it hurt that he continues with contact even though he told me he was stopping. That I will give him the freedom he wants and I will let him alone.

I guess I need to start putting some distant between him and me. I just don't see anything changing the way it's going right now. All I see is him calling her more and more. For hours upon hours.. getting even more emotionally attached to her. And him growing further away from me.

This stinks SML! What about Plan B?? He left to continue the A, whatever else he told you is bullpucky. It's so hard to keep finding things out all of the time, slowly leaking out and breaking your heart. A break would be good, doing a 180 might shake him awake a little.

I"m sorry SML, because i can really relate, as many can here, but at this point i have got to say stop doing this to yourself. stop calling him unless you absolutely have to, you are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment. maybe this will just take longer for you to process and/or understand. you will begin to see a pattern if you look back over your threads and future ones if things continue the way they are. you will see a common theme in the replies back to you as well. in fact you might even see that replies seem to taper off because people (i'm generalizing here) are just at a loss as to what to say.

i know this is a place to vent, i know this is a place for enouragement and certainly this place should still be a source for both for you. however, as i have seen before in the several months that i have been here, is that at some point 2x4's will start to come out and i just want to forewarn (sp?) you. sometimes it's better to start off a post/thread w/the comment that all you are doing is venting or journaling and then you might save yourself from maybe not getting the shoulder to cry on that you expected.

again, this was all said in kindness and respect. i cannot totally relate because i do not have kids and i live in a different state then my H, which through all this has definitely had it's pros and cons. continued prayers to you, RR

You are right RR... I guess I am hardheaded when it comes to advice.. But I do come here mostly to vent.. Just don't have anyone to talk to besides his family or mine... And I really don't like bringing everyone into the whole mess.

Maybe it's time for me to take a break from the boards..

SML, it is getting very close to Plan B his BUTT, if you ask me. Which you didn't, but I am telling you anyway.

You continuously set him up for failure by calling that cell phone. DON'T DO IT! If it hurts your feelings when you KNOW he is talking to her, don't verify it. Assume he always is. That is the entire reason he moved out! To accomodate his A. You cannot make him stop. Read up on the Plans, when and why Dr. Harley suggests to go from one to the other.

You are making yourself crazy, and you are allowing him to disrespect you all over the place with his cake-eating. You must shift the balance of power. Take back your power.

Spidey

Yes SS I do set myself up.. I have always been the person who had to know everything that was going on. Even though in my head I already know he is talking to her. I have to confirm it by calling his phone and stuff.

When my husband first met me I did have very low self esteem. But he helped me so much get to a point where I was comfortable with myself and my life. Then this happened and has totally shaken me. It has made me paranoid. When he is around I feel like I can't go anywhere because as soon as I walk out the door he is calling her. I can't leave the kids with him because he is calling her and letting my three year old talk to her. It got to a point where I couldn't even go upstairs because he would go into the downstairs bathroom and call her. I don't want to live like this. I want to be comfortable again. I want a life with my husband where he respects me and doesn't do this crap. And I know until he is ready to give me that there is nothing I can do to change it. I have allowed myself to fall right along with him. Instead of standing up for myself and asking for respect.. I turned back into the meek little mouse that takes all the crap and hides in the corner. I know one day my husband will come around but until then I got to find it within myself to make it and to show him with or without him I can be a great person who loves herself and deserves respect.

Yes I also believe it is almost time for plan B. I don't see him changing or even trying to change when it comes to her. Even though he says he is working on it. I guess I just am afraid to take that step.. But the way it is going I don't think I have to much of a choice.

Got my haircut today. Felt good to get out and do something for myself. This weekend I want to take the kids to the pumpkin patch. I think my mom will probably come along and also my brother and sil will probably bring their boys. I think this will be fun. The kids get to take a hayride up to the patch and pick their own pumpkin. They also have corn mazes and fun activites for the kids.

I haven't heard from my husband since he tried to call last night. I have this big urge to tell the OW off but I know that she will just enjoy that she is coming between us. So I will let her alone to live with what she is doing. If they both can be happy with it let them. They will be the big losers in the end.

Tonight I am going to try to clean out my sons room. He has so many toys I just need to start giving stuff away. The baby and him will be sharing a room eventually so I would like to organize a bit. It's getting a little easier but there are times when I still break down and cry. I will never understand how such a loving man could turn on his family like this. And continue to hurt his wife and kids by keeping this OW in his life. I just pray for strength and guidance over the next couples weeks and months.

I am so close to calling him... What is wrong with me?? He does this stuff to me and I can't seem to let him go. I miss him so much. I miss the man I use to know. The man that wanted me as his wife.

I am having a hard time right now. I was doing so good today but I just feel so depressed all of a sudden. I still have cramps.. I was reading it is normal especially when you are getting closer to your due date. I guess I resent him in a way for not being here. He wasn't there for me during my first pregnancy. I never thought this one would be the same. Tomorrow I have my doc appointment. Pretty soon I will be going every week.

Don't call him. Know why you feel like doing that? For the same reason that it was hard for me to stop communicating with my H way back when he was Wayward. Of course because you love him, BUT, more importantly, you are just as addicted to him as he is to her. It is a sick cycle.

It is normal to miss someone, and long for them, when you love them deeply. BUT, should you have a NEED for him? A want is controllable, it is natural. A NEED, for a human, is not healthy.

It took me about 1 week of NC (except through email, ONLY about kids and/or finances) to break my addiction to my H. Then the NEED to talk to him was replaced with just a very healthy want.

You must break the addiction. I used to think of it this way - If I ultimately expected H to give up OW, his addiction, to save our M, then I needed to be willing to give up my addiction to H to save our M. Because give him up you must, to save your M. His actions will not change until you do.

I know you are in pain and hurting. I have much compassion for you. You are not helping yourself, your kids, your M, or your H, by continuing on down the path you are currently on.

Peace and love to you.

Spidey

SS,
That is a very good way to look at it. I keep asking my husband why can't he stop calling OW.. He says because he doesn't want to stop... But I believe it is more that at this point he can't find a way to stop himself. He tries but gives in. I am being the same way with him.

I have allowed my husband to become my life my focus all these years. I put all my hopes into a person only to be let down big time. I believed because he was cheated on he was safe to be with because he would not do that to someone else. I know that I do not need my husband for my life to continue. But I do want him in my life.

Yes it looks like I have no choice anymore but to give him up.. Until his affair finally dies it's natual death I don't see him realizing anything and changing. She totally has him emotionally right now. But he does not see it.

My husband made a comment yesterday when we had lunch. He said he wants to work on our spiritual connection to one another... Any idea of what that means?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said he wants to work on our spiritual connection to one another... Any idea of what that means? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honestly, your WH's words right now should mean nothing to you. Let him come to you AFTER he has had NC with OW for a while, and take it from there. There can be no NOTHING between you two, while she is still in the picture. Period. The end. Finito.

Just smile and nod. Smile and nod. Then go to Plan B.

Spidey

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Spider Slayer:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said he wants to work on our spiritual connection to one another... Any idea of what that means? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Honestly, your WH's words right now should mean nothing to you. Let him come to you AFTER he has had NC with OW for a while, and take it from there. There can be no NOTHING between you two, while she is still in the picture. Period. The end. Finito.

Just smile and nod. Smile and nod. Then go to Plan B.

Spidey </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YUP!

Please listen to SS.
If you listen to your WS's words right now it will be like jumping into a mental torture chamber. Let the smoke settle a bit, and take absolutely everything he says with a grain of salt....better yet how about a pound of salt... Ohh I put myself through so much trying to rush the process...YIPES!!

Don't do what I did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Thanks for all the advice... I feel my husband will be home... My problem is I want it now. But I realize that he has to find his way back to me. If I push it he may come back but then I will have to deal with the same crap.

I feel like he wants to end it with her but hasn't found it in himself to do it yet. He is trying to find another full time job to work nights. I think this is a way for him to be force himself into not calling her. Also he would never see her. Because his weekends would be with the kids and me.

Yes it's hard... But I will make it...

SML:

What would it take for you to go PLan B. How can you live with a man, who so blatlantly is having this affair and you are pregant to boot. How much loer will you have to go till you PLan B him. I pray for you here, becase obviosuly he doesn't give a $hit about anyone but himslef and his needs. Does your family know the detaild of all this. has the affair been exposed????

I to believe right now this is all about him.. Because he has told me this over and over.. This is about his happiness, his needs and what he wants.. I guess I don't feel comfortable doing plan B so close to my due date. Also I do not feel like I did the greatest plan A especially with the added hormones..

My family and his family know about the affair. Nobody in his family supports him. They are on his case constantly also about what he is doing. Sometimes I think this makes him want OW even more because they are pushing for him to do the right thing. Kinda childish but that is how he feels right now.

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 10:42 PM: Message edited by: SadMarylandLady ]</small>

hey SML, keep hanging in there (i'm sure you are tired of hearing this but we'll keep saying it!), i'll just pig tail on what SS said in that you have to think about it as the one thing it will take for your M to enter recovery or wake your H up. that is to detach and leave him alone. do you know what i mean? that's what (i'm generalizing here) all us BS want is to do whatever it takes to make this happen and to not have any regrets. so any time i don't want to LB, that's what i think about, that i absolutely can't because it will take me not LBing to get my H back then that's what i have to do.

this goes for anytime you have contact w/him. let's face it he's going to come over to the house and we all know we can't control these WS. so while he is there you plan A, especially for the kids, they won't know you are faking. when he calls you and you answer the phone (like at work and you don't know it's him that's calling) then plan A or do the 180's. always plan A until plan B or D.

i used this technique when i was working out and trying to lose weight in the beginning. when i wanted to quit or not go to the gym, i just thought to myself, that if this is what it takes to save my M then I HAVE to do it, it wasn't an option. now after an almost 50lb weight loss, i have definitely slacked off on the working out and eating right, you know why? because i got back some of my self-esteem and know that there are guys that find me attractive at 146 and that i don't have to get down to my wedding weight of 118 or down to whatever weight the OW is at (probably 125 at the most plus she is 4 inches taller then me). after all i'm able to wear a pair of jeans and feel good about wearing them for the first time in years.

why did i tell you this because, like most BS you feel even worse because things are out of your control. once you are able to fight these feelings of having to call your H or pick up the phone when he calls, etc. you will gain some of that control back and that will make you feel good and it is what is necessary in order to make for the best recovery. i'm not very articulate at conveying what i'm trying to say or giving you clear advice like others but i hope you get what i'm trying to say. again, people (me including) are going to keep ENCOURAGING you to stay strong and to break your own addiction (thanks SS) to your H. until we hear in your posts otherwise, we will not let up! continued prayers to you, RR