Are things ok?

Hi Sadfww,

i am here. just a bit quite right now, doing my best to hang in there. i have IC today, i am glad. thanks for asking.

Karen

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> Hi Sadfww,

i am here. just a bit quite right now, doing my best to hang in there. i have IC today, i am glad. thanks for asking.

Karen </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How are you feeling? How are things at home? I think about you so often- and wonder how you're getting along. If you feel the need for silence right now, don't think you have to respond.

how am i feeling?

i'm tired sadfww, i'm just so tired. i'm tired of feeling so low, i'm tired of having my mess impact my husband. i definitely did NOT get enough sleep last night. i've been sleeping good, just not long enough due to getting to bed late. over the last 3 weeks, i have either taken a long bike ride or jogged every day except for about 3, i know that is helping me sleep better. i just have to get up for work so early and evenings are very full of housework and helping son with homework (thankfully my daughter does not need the help so much). over the weekend, i forgot to take meds with me to the lake, we did get to a walgreens eventually but i took a major nose dive. while getting lake house ready for company on sunday, i just lost it. i was in the house alone, just trying to clean, but my mind never stops, NEVER. the weather was so nice, i tried to enjoy/appreciate it, but my thoughts were so dark. my husband was working on outside stuff, i finally went outside and asked for a hug and cried. we got to walgreens slightly after that and got a refill. taking it seemed to help pretty quickly. i was surprised. i am on zolof, does skipping a day or two or not taking them at the same time everyday really make that much of a difference?? i am going to be much more careful about taking them at same time each day now.

how are things at home?

that one is so hard to answer. things seem to be progressing ok. the household is so much more peaceful than it has been in so long. i know the kids are much more at ease. each night i work closely with my son on his homework, i seem to have a lot more patience with him than i have in a long time, i am glad that is coming back. his grades have been really good this year and i know he feels good about that.

i've been putting effort into consitently cooking a good meal on wed nights to give my husband a break. and then i give myself a break by leaving the other nights up to him (unless he has a photo shoot). we are eating out a lot but i do not fret about it at all. i'm just trying to keep our choice of eating out on the more healthy side.

i'm managing to get the bills in the mail on a consistent basis again without doing it at the last second and causing myself stress.

when i cannot find a misplaced object, i don't get all upset but just patiently look and if i still cannot find it, i figure out something else knowing it will eventually be found or if not, life will go on anyway. i mention this because for a while, not being able to find something would get me very upset and mad.

my husband and i play a game of backgammon most evenings in between dinner and homework duty and he is the one initiating it sometimes. some nights he even wants to play a second game. although, last night, when i asked him if he is actually liking this game now, he said no. i think he said that just to be a brat.

we dont really talk much about the A or our relationship. he will slip in small comments sometimes, about how bad i hurt him. but he does not want to talk about it in depth. i fear he hesitates because he worries about impacting my emotional state, but i am guessing it would help him if he could put into words just how much this hurt him in details. i am trying so hard to toughen up and be able to be there for him. and yet i know if i try to completely hide from him about how i am feeling that is bad for me. so i try to at least be clear of what i need, like when i asked for the hug on sunday. and when i told him i foget the meds and needed to get to walgreens.

so much for me being quite, huh?

i guess i am mostly quiet because i know everything is once again going to be blown up into a million pieces when i confess the rest of this mess. and i don't know what i can really do that will help at this point in time. why did i have to sink that low?? telling him about his "friend" is going to be so hard. i just don't know how to do it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> how am i feeling?

i'm tired sadfww, i'm just so tired....my thoughts were so dark. my husband was working on outside stuff, i finally went outside and asked for a hug and cried. we got to walgreens slightly after that and got a refill. taking it seemed to help pretty quickly. i was surprised. i am on zolof, does skipping a day or two or not taking them at the same time everyday really make that much of a difference?? i am going to be much more careful about taking them at same time each day now.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YES IT CAN MAKE THAT much of a difference!!!!!!!! I have been on ad's for 4 years, and going 12 HOURS without the right dose makes me feel sick. Much longer then that and my mood starts slipping. Please do be careful and take them on time! I think asking your H for a hug- and crying while he held you was really really good. You didn't demand that he *fix* what was bothering you- you just asked for comfort- and he gave it. That's great.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong>
how are things at home?

that one is so hard to answer. things seem to be progressing ok. the household is so much more peaceful than it has been in so long. i know the kids are much more at ease.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everything you listed is really good, Karen. Your kids have definitely noticed that tensions have eased- and that there is less stress. This is very very good for them- and for you and your H as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong>
we dont really talk much about the A or our relationship. he will slip in small comments sometimes, about how bad i hurt him. but he does not want to talk about it in depth. i fear he hesitates because he worries about impacting my emotional state, but i am guessing it would help him if he could put into words just how much this hurt him in details. i am trying so hard to toughen up and be able to be there for him. and yet i know if i try to completely hide from him about how i am feeling that is bad for me. so i try to at least be clear of what i need, like when i asked for the hug on sunday. and when i told him i foget the meds and needed to get to walgreens.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remind me- did you guys ever do MC together? At some point, you know that you will have to talk about what has happened- and it will be hard. I don't know when the right *time* will be for this to happen, but once it does you and H will at last have a real shot at recovery. Both of you have been keeping your feelings bottled away...and you know that capped bottles full of pressure eventually explode.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong>

i guess i am mostly quiet because i know everything is once again going to be blown up into a million pieces when i confess the rest of this mess. and i don't know what i can really do that will help at this point in time. why did i have to sink that low?? telling him about his "friend" is going to be so hard. i just don't know how to do it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It IS going to be hard- probably one of the hardest things you've done. I do suggest giving him ALL of the rest of the details though at one time. You don't want to have to have yet another dday somewhere down the line. Have you continued to talk to your IC about the best way to do this?

What can you do that will help? I think you're already doing it. You're taking care of yourself as best as you can, decreasing the stress load in the house, and having time with your H- in effect plan A'ing. THESE memories will be there for your H once you confess everything else.

Can I ask- have you told us everything now? Or is there anything else you want to talk about that you haven't yet (as far as A's etc).

thinking of you....

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 09:33 AM: Message edited by: Sadfww ]</small>

we did MC in late 2001 and into 2002 with 2 different MC. none since then. he is not interested in it now since i was cheating on him during this very same time, leaves "a bad taste in his mouth". he wants me to let him work thru this on his own in his own way.

all the details of my behavior is in the sins i cannot confess thread. IC and i talked about them in more depth today. i was not sure she understood it all. the day i told her i was a bit of a mess and although i know i mentioned "others" it was the family friend that we talked about in detail. today i told her, in detail, about the rest of it. she now knows everything, you all know everything, God has always known everything, now i just have to let my husband know everything.

hi fl..
i just wanted to say hi to you. i know i can't help you with advice, but i wanted you to know i was thinking about you...i am grateful for your advice when i was SO low...you too, sadfww! keep up your spirit!!!

FL,

I hope your IC can help you sort some of this out in your own mind. I think this is really important to do before you tell your H. You are sounding stronger again, and that is good. Don't drop off of the meds like that. It is not good for your body.

God Bless,

JL

jetgirl, thanks for the hi, i am thinking of you too. i am glad you are continueing to distance yourself from OM. NC is one thing, and it is very important, but painful. the trick now is to get him out of your mind and heart, the pain will go away.

JL, i signed back on to write specifically to you, i was going to start a different topic with your name but i suspect you will see this note.

i read what you wrote to waking up earlier. i have not read the entire thread but since i saw you had written something i took a look at it.

JL, how do you do it??? you post with such patience and kindness to so many people here. you have literally transformed my totally broken life. (i certainly don't mean to discount all the other wonderful MB people here that have also impacted me, i thank every one of you). I'm just in awe of you JL, every post you write is so helpful. i don't know if you will really every understand how much you have helped me. and right now as i type this i am getting so emotional. i never thought a person could possibly cry as much as me. ugh!!!

driving home from work today, i actually started to feel some deep down hope about myself. i think with this IC i can really make some major progress in sorting this all out. i was very honest with her, i am trusting her enough to show her all my flaws. and in doing so i am able to take a close look at it all myself and really start to pro-actively choose who i want to be instead of going thru life letting my emotions make the decisions. she wants to put confessing on the back burner for a bit yet. to do exactly as you say, have us sort it all out first. but in the back of my mind i keep thinking, we cannot really start recovery until this comes out, i don't want that to take too long.

anyway, i am digressing, i really just wanted to tell you how much i appreciate you and to thank you from the bottom of my heart. and now before i start to cry again, i'm going to take my shower (had a long bike ride again today), kids are happily finishing up homework. H is due home in about 10 min.

FL,

You comments are too kind. I would like to remind you that you are the person doing all of the heavy lifting in this matter. The rest of us just watch and hope we can cheer you along. Don't be in so big a hurry to tell your H that you don't get these issues sorted out first.

Have you let him know you are working on things with the IC, and that it has been pretty hard on you? You might do that. It will be a gentle "heads up" for him and it will help explain some of the emotional turmoil you are going through.

Just a thought for you to consider, and perhaps ask your IC about.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't be in so big a hurry to tell your H that you don't get these issues sorted out first. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you want to try that one again... i think you are saying don't be in a hurry to tell my H until i get them sorted out first. or are you saying, don't be in a hurry to tell my H i have not gotten it all sorted out yet? that is kind of how your sentence reads but that does not make a ton of sense.

as for your other suggestion. although he knows the part that has been hard to re-visit like past experiences, childhood and college, he does not know about the hard looking i am doing at myself. i was actually thinking (while in the shower) of trying to tell him this tonight. tell him about todays session a bit. i'm not sure if i will tonight or not. but i do agree with you, it might help him to understand a bit more about my behavior. the thing that makes me hesitate more (besides the fear of being vunderable) is that he has at times stated that he cannot be expected to help comfort me when i am feeling bad about what i have done because he is the one that was hurt. i know that thinking is a bit flawed in the sense that we need to each be able to comfort each other and understand both sides, but i honestly do not think he is ready to see that yet. i'm not sure how he is going to become ready for that, i know it is probably manditory for true recovery, but i'm going to just have to trust right now that he will find his way. he is a good man.

I just wanted to say thank-you for posting to me today that was very thoughtful of you when you are having a rough time your self, please know that i will be praying for you and your husband, you sound like a good person to me so please try and not be too hard on your self.

FL, just wanted to say hi and offer my support. No one can predict what your H's reaction will be. But I can tell you my best friend was my W's first A partner. He ended the A and the friendship. I am eternally grateful for that and bare absolutely no malice. So depending on how his freind handles things it may lessen the pain. Good luck and prayers.

you are very welcome JEC47. it does help to know you are not alone, helps me too. this site is wonderful.

woe, you sure have had your share of hard times. did your friend end the friendship with just your W or with you too? did you absolutely need the friendship to end with you? do you miss this friend now? just kinda wondering here. i know my H will not want to continue the friendship but i also think he will miss it. i have taken away so much from my H due to my actions, having this friendship be another casaulty of this mess really really s*cks.

FL- thinking of you this morning. I hope your night was peaceful and quiet.

I also hope that you don't think I was "Accusing" you of not baring all here in my prior post- I confused myself when reading your post as to whether you were concerned about another storm in a teacup here with another disclosure- or the real deal at home when you confess. Sorry!

And- last thing..I agree completely- JL is a blessing to so many of us here!

sadfww, thanks, i am doing ok today.

JL, i am reposting this as i am curious as to what you meant...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> quote:
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Don't be in so big a hurry to tell your H that you don't get these issues sorted out first.
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you want to try that one again... i think you are saying don't be in a hurry to tell my H until i get them sorted out first. or are you saying, don't be in a hurry to tell my H i have not gotten it all sorted out yet? that is kind of how your sentence reads but that does not make a ton of sense.

as for your other suggestion. although he knows the part that has been hard to re-visit like past experiences, childhood and college, he does not know about the hard looking i am doing at myself. i was actually thinking (while in the shower) of trying to tell him this tonight. tell him about todays session a bit. i'm not sure if i will tonight or not. but i do agree with you, it might help him to understand a bit more about my behavior. the thing that makes me hesitate more (besides the fear of being vunderable) is that he has at times stated that he cannot be expected to help comfort me when i am feeling bad about what i have done because he is the one that was hurt. i know that thinking is a bit flawed in the sense that we need to each be able to comfort each other and understand both sides, but i honestly do not think he is ready to see that yet. i'm not sure how he is going to become ready for that, i know it is probably manditory for true recovery, but i'm going to just have to trust right now that he will find his way. he is a good man.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Finally Learning has having an ic helped? I have thought about it but i'm in a small town and i don't really know what services we have here, plus i'm not really sure my husband would want me to go, he's not really aware of the problems i'm having right now with myself i'm afraid he will think i'm not happy with him, which is not true.

Finally learning my heart really breaks for you with all your fears and worries,I know those fears and worries all too well, if you would ever like to talk i will listen, i prayed for you and your husband last night and will continue to do so. Take care.

JEC47, yes IC has definitely helped but it took a few sessions to get to the point where it now has the potential of helping on an extremely deep level. you really have to commit to it. i am also on meds and that was EXTREMELY difficult for me to accept at first, i don't like meds, maybe it's that i don't like being sick?? i feel better about that now though too.

why don't you want your H to know about your struggles, he must be aware on some level that you are stuggling with something. seems like it would be better for him and for you to know what is going on. i understand your worry that he will think you are not happy with him. since you know that might be his tendency, you just need to make it very clear to him that is not the case.

thank you for you offer to listen and your prayers, they are very much appreciated.