Is my w´s a understandable?

March 98. We meet on the internet. I am in europé she´s in america. We exchange e-mails, chat and phone eachother daily since then. We talk about everything everyday. We are the same age, study for the same degree etc..
I go visit her in america in dec 2 weeks. She´s nuts about me ready to get married almost right away. I am nuts about her too but not that nuts. I am more calculating thinking well we will never make it since we live so far apart and I wasn´t ready to move to america.
Sept 99 she comes to europé as a babysitter for a year. When she´s over here I treat her bad. Well I continue to see my friends alot. I break up with her several times. She has noone here and has hardly been abroad at all. Don´t speak the language etc..(I speak her language though). I am bothered too ”lookafter” here all the time.And I make sure to tell her that Anyway she does ”everything” in her power so that I will stay with her. Well I don´t treat her the way I should this first year she´s here. I kind of just want to continue with my single life. And don´t want someone to depend on me. She keeps in thouch with her ex-boyfriend in america while she´s here. And I don´t even care about it. I have a ONS with OW while she´s here. I don´t tell her about it though.

May 2000. She goes back to america. I am pleased she goes back. After a few weeks I miss her terribly. I go visit her for 3 weeks. She´s kind of distant. Wonder why? She gets a scholarship to do her phd here in europé. She comes back here sept 2000. This second year she´s here it´s kind of a repetition from the first year she´s here. Not that bad though. Dec 2000 she wants to take a trip around europé meeting some friends that are also studying around europé. I don´t want to go. I stay home. I have plans to meet another girl I know.She goes alone. One of those friends is her ex. She travels around with her ex and their friends. She never told me though. Well I didn´t even check her ticket where she was going. March 2001 I try and break up with her. I say I dont want to be with her anymore. We get back together immediatly though. Guess I felt sorry for her. Summer 2001. She wants to go take a trip around europé again. I say I don´t want to go. I have signed up for a programming course on my vacations (funny guy ). She goes alone. Again she goes to see her ”ex”. But I don´t even check her ticket this time either.

September 2001 I find out she has seen her ex in the summer. She cries. I feel bad and tell her I have been in touch with a girl too. We leave it all behind us. In september 2001 she had lost alot of weight and now I am crazy about her. But still I don´t pay her much attention. She is still in contact with her ex on the phone and e-mail. She tells me all about it and I don´t mind it a bit. She starts hanging out with people from work. The fall of 2001. They are in to stuff she likes like art and film etc.. I go with her on rare occassions. One day she tells me she has kissed a guy at work. And believe it or not I just say ”ok no big deal a kiss is no big deal it doesnt matter”. She keeps hanging out with this guy and other friends from work. I don´t mind. I focus on programming and rather hang out with my friends. November 2001. She starts acting weird. Talking about getting her own apartment since she has never lived alone. I tell her ok do that. But I am starting to understand something is up. She´s not affectionate and is acting strange. This goes on for about a months or so. Then she tells me she slept with this guy at work on two occassions and that she wants to leave me.
I am crushed. I start plan A. Doing all I can to win her back. She moves into her own place. I do an excellent plan A. Take interest in museums, cook, don´t drink, you name it. She goes to america 2 weeks for christmas dec 2001 there she meets her ex. She tells me all about this though. Well she comes back to europé jan 2002. I continue plan A. I win her back slowly. She quits her apartment and moves back in with me feb 2002. We start planning our engagement. Well I push it. We get engaged april 2002. We start planning our wedding. We get married july 2002. I figured back then that if we just got married this would never happen again. I would be homefree.

July 2002-summer 2003. Life continues. I drop plan A. Well I am deeply in love with my w. I do everything she asks for. She continues to be in thouch with her ex. She tells me all about it. And I don´t object to it. She still shares room with the guy at her work she slept with. I don´t object. Not that I am afraid too. Just that I don´t see anything wrong with it. I start taking an interest in bodybuilding. I am consumed about it. I read everything about it. I only talk about that. Weekends I go and workout and other evenings I write on my phd which I had not finished. Well aug 2003. My w starts talking about another guy at work. She talks about him all the time. She eats lunch with him almost everyday. And I don´t care about it. I don´t even see anything wrong in it. Despite of what had happened before. My w even tells me this guy is making moves on her. Like hey baby come sit on my lap. She tells me she´s offended by that. I just tell my wife that ”well well, don´t mind boys will be boys” or something like that. Christmas 2003 we can´t go to america to visit her family. She is crushed. Well I dont mind I just keep reading about bodybuilding and working on my phd. She talks about this guy at work and I talk about my hobbies. Jan 2004 she starts going out like every weekend with her a girlfriend. I don´t mind at first. Then she tells me end of jan 2004 ” we need to have some space”. I say ok whatever. She still talks about this guy at work all the time but I don´t suspect a thing. Then she starts talking about moving out. And I don´t suspect a thing. I think she just wants some space for a while. I get sad of course but I honestly don´t suspect an A or anything remotely similar to that. Then mid feb 2004 she tells me she is madly in love with this guy from work. But she tells me nothing has happened. And I don´t suspect a thing. I am now quiet sad but I continue with my hobbies and think that all the problems will go away. End of feb she moves out and starts talking about divorce.
I still don´t think shes having an A or even suspect it. I figure well I will just be nice to her and she will come back sooner or later. We meet to have lunch and now and then during march. At the end of march she calls me crying. I go see her. She tells me all about what happened.
She had EA/PA with this guy for two months jan-march. Well basically she had an EA for a few months before that but I didn´t know such a thing as an EA existed or could be bad. She was interested in him since she started talking about him. I freaked out though.
April-july was completely roller-coaster

July I found this site (MB). And now I see how stupid I have been. How I always took my W for granted. How I never paid attention to her, how I trusted her blindly, how I never listened to her, how I never took an interest in her as a person, I hardly never talked to her if it wasn´t about my hobbies.

All my wife wanted was someone who listened to her someone to pay attention to her someone who took an iterest in her as a person.

Now I feel we are better than ever. Now she doesn´t have male friends, now we talk, now we do stuff together etc.. Now I am starting to get to know her and I am starting to ge tto know myself.

My point is. I can understand now that my w had that affair. I makes sense to me. She is remorsefull yes. But sometimes I think that had it not happened I would never have gotten out of lalaland. I would still be completely blindfolded and enclosed in my little world of my hobbies and a few beer-friends.

My w has told me she had the A because she thought I didn´t care one bit about her anyway. That she felt liek she was just a piece of furniture in the house for all I cared. And I can´t really say that that wasn´t true.