Hey all,
Well went home last night eve of my birthday and
decided to ask WW a black and white question. Does she want me or Om. WW stated she wants herself, told her this was not part of the answer. Again asked got same response, i replied the same thing back. Finally third time asked and WW hesitated and stated that she wanted OM. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
WW states that i just don't get it that she has been falling out of love with me over last 3 years and that i have no love in my heart for you anymore. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> That she is tired of pretending to have those feelings for me when she doesn't.
I had never felt so rejected and alone in all my life. Cannot believe WW would choose someone who had only known her for 9mo. to someone she has known for 20years. Again WW states that she does not know what future will hold with OM or me but nothing i say will change her mind, she is bound and determined to go. I am giving up and throwing in the towel. I have bent over backwards and kissed my behind to try to save this marriage and all it has been is one sided. I will right my plan B letter as one last futile attempt and give it to her the day she leaves. This letter will have my personal time line though i cannot wait forever for her to come out of this fog and start thinking with her head instead of her heart. WW states that she doesn't expect me to wait this wouldn't be fair. and hopes i can find someone to make me happy someone that can treat me like a wife should.
I told her I thought i did,but i guess i didn't find out until 20yrs later that i was wrong.
I told her right now all i can do is try to make this house a happy memory for you.
I stated i am only the father of your kids. So now you will have to turn to OM to meet you needs.
I will be cordial to her d/t kids but for right now that is as far as it will go.
She is in such a fog over this OM that she has her future all planned out with him even after he is deployed.
She disgust me in the fact that she would chose him only knowing him for 9mo. vs. me who she has known since High School.
So tonight she still plans on celebrating my Bday. She even woke me up on the coach this morning hugged me and cried stating that it was hard to believe i am 40, wish me a good day and left. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
So tonight i will put on my happy face at least for my darling kids and pretend that life is going to get better.
Happy Birthday to me!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
jets

Sorry to hear about your situation.
Hang in there. I don't really have any advice because I'm in the same boat.
Things will get better for both of us.
My STBX chose OW over me and we were together for 17 yrs. He met her last year. It all seems so unfair but I try to look at it that there must be someone better for me out there.
Keep your chin up!
T~

Jets,

I am so sorry for this latest turn, but I have a couple of impressions I would like to share with you.

You gave it your all. Your best shot. And you are still working to give your WW good memories of the home and life she has loved for all these years (until the mother alien ship abducted her).

If you go to Plan B you go in a position of strength, not weakness. You will remove that part of you that somewhere deep inside her she still depends on. She still draws part of who she is from you and she will sit up straight one day when she realizes that you were a bigger part of her than she has been telling herself these last nine months.

As for the hurtful statements she made about falling out of love with you for the last three years and being afraid to say it out loud: Cool. She just said it. Now it is out. Now it can be exposed to the light. And she might just find out that even though she really thought she felt that way all this time, it was really her inability to talk honestly and freely that was the stumbling block between you.

Now she has removed it. The world didn't end. You didn't crumble up into a heap and die and neither did she. It is out of the way. And now, when she takes that statement and stacks it up against 17 good years, compares it to the wonderful effort you've made in these last months, and throws in the kids for good measure, well, her statements might start to ring hollow inside her own head.

I've done this very same thing with my FWH. I convince myself that I feel a certain way and when I finally get the courage to break down and tell the "truth" and he doesn't freak, well, it all seems kind of silly.

Hope this will happen. Can't say for sure, but it is a possibility. So cling to hope.

Hang in there! Oh, and Happy Birthday you old fart! (Just teasing, you're just a baby!)

~ Snow

- edited for the birthday greetings!

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Thanks for the replies,
Tree and Snow.
WW and kids celebrated my 40yish birthday. I came home earlier for lunch and was pissed so i took all our wedding pictures,albums,family pictures and through them in one of the moving boxes. When i came home from work. WW was upset because she discovered the box with the pictures. WW got all emotional crying stated wants to be friends always be friends doesn't want a bickering fighting seperation,for the kids sake. Stood up infront of me and was looking for a invitation for me to hug her and so stupid me did. She cried and stated that she will always love me for all the years we had together, more hugging andkissing, on cheeks and lips. Went out for dinner with kids and WW told me about her day. Then started to drift off. Came home opened presents and had the cake and ice cream. WW starting to grow more distant. Rec'd phone call from parents and in law wishing happy birthday. After went into bedroom with wayward wife asked she asked what they said, asked if i could lay in bed with her and hug her. WW states my nails are wet and why? Ww acting like cold fish now. Stated i guess birthdays over with. WW stated now why did you say that. I had no comments, walked out. Approach WW again asked why is she now acting like cold fish. PRETTY MUCH TELLS ME i am reading into too many things.
Told her i think it is time for you to leave and that you are playing me like a violin, and constantly throwing the rope of hope out there for me to yank it back when i get close to it.
WW states i am waiting for paper work to be done SEperation papers. I stated u can trust me i am the one that can;t trust u, I keep my words. WW looks shocked and dumbfounded. STates i think it is time for me to leave i cannot take this everynight. Got mad and told her from now start telling your OM about your day. He is your choice over me. He has to meet your needs now. WW stated fine i guess we will just be amicable when talking about kids or infront of them. I said yup for a while at least. Then she went off storming to bed.
I know i love bust but i am tired of her cake eating and giving me this false hope, when i think she knows deep down it will never happen.
Tired of being set up as a safety net in case her little Affair turned exclusive doesn't work out.
Told her it is your choice to leave but my choice to let you back into a relationship with me. Again just stood there looking and said why do we always have to go over this everynight. I said we wheren't before May.
Did i LB was i out of line? I know i am not making this a comfortable envir. for her and she probably can't wait to leave, but i am tired of getting played.
Any comments welcomed.
Jets

Jets (I hope you are not a NYJ fan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I have read your story and I am sorry to say, but it is time you go plan B, and I mean now. You are now losing all of your dignity. You have gone above and beyond the call of Plan A and it is time to save yourself. PLease do not be offended, but you're wife thinks of you as this clingy, pathetic man. You have to let her miss you. You have to cease giving her any EN's, etc... She knows she can stay in the fog becasue you are devoted to her and she has you as a "back up". You can't win her back in Plan A. YOu need to go Plan B and NOT GIVE IN. Even if it means more pain for you, you must do this. At this point, staying in Plan A only makes you look weaker to WW. I do not mean to offend, but you need to do this for you own sake and for your dignity. YOu have taken the shots time and time again and now it is time to be selfish and think of yourself. YOu can't save a marriage if you can't save yourself. Good luck, and I pray for you.

Lemonman

Thanks Lemmonman,
Yes I am a Jets fan. 4-0 what can we say.
Everybody seems to point out how i appear and am, why is it that i cannot see this. Stupid me went in there and semi apologized then boyfriend called on cell phone and told her I would appreciate that you talk with him not under my roof or nose. WW states that is why i didn't call him back. Again told Ww i think it is time for you to go were driving each other further apart and she agreed and said she doesn't want to hate me and we are starting to do hateful things to each other. I said well you have outscored me on that. I will start to do plan B now will give her letter in 2weeks. I Do not want to appear clingy and pathetic. Your right i need to start being selfish. Shouldn't be hard I have a good coach living with me now to show me how it is done.
Jets

Jets, go for it. Plan B her butt NOW.

I am a Dolphins fan, so at least you get some joy of watching the Jets win games on sundays while I suffer 4 hours of humiliating football. I hope you can do Plan B NOW and start healing from this. You are a humane and dignified man, don't let her see you without those qualities again. Peace brother jet.

Thanks Lemonman, it will be hard to do Plan B until she actually leaves and with our agreement in joint custody. I will be seeing her pretty much everyday, but I plan on just making the talk minimal and kids related and at time just to wave at the door.
I don't know if she thinks of me as a pathetic clingy man, but i know she is playing me and good. I know she is trying to set herself up a safty net, because deep down she not sure how her relationship with Om really going to work and it becoming more obvious to me now. Sad part is i am starting to lose some of that feelings of love that i had remaining and it may get to a point where i may not want her back into my life full time.
I guess from now on i have to treat her like a tennant in this house not as my wife but a stranger who spending the next two weeks here.
I don't plan on getting into her stories of the day anymore. I will be cordial to her but not going to sit and listen about her day at work. She will need to rely on OM for this and i know and admitted to her that i don't think he can meet all her needs. She probably thinking i am talking Sh## out of my mouth.
jets

Hi Jets,

Happy Belated Birthday from me! I am sorry it wasn't the best of birthdays though.I know how that goes.I went through several holidays,a birthday and an Anniversary all under the pain of the adultery.

Your WW sounds like the classic "fogged" WS so if it's any consolation,don't be surprised,she isn't any different than the rest of them.It's like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.Every once in a while,you get a glimpse of the person they were and that we loved,only to see their eyes glaze over and return to the alien they have become.That's hard to witness.

I did want to mention that now that you are gearing up for a Plan B,you will need to think about making some kind of arrangement for an intermediary or other plan for you and your WW to exchange the children.You cannot do an effective Plan B if you are encountering each other each day.It is going to tear you apart,believe me.

Almost all of us that have kids and had to go to Plan B have had this happen.You need to find maybe a neighbor or friend that can help or make other arrangements.I know that for many of us,that was a very difficult plan to pull off but it is so necessary.Your WW will continue to get her "fixes" each day from you,essentially keeping that fence sitting and cake eating going,and you wil become hurt and anxiety ridden knowing that she is continuing on in her selfish bad behavior and that you have to see her every day.It will wear you down over time.

So,think about who might be able to help you.I understand that you want to keep the lines of communicatin open with your WW but it really shouldn't be physical when you are in Plan B.You can do e-mails or exchange information through and intermediary.Again,you have to give your WW some incentive to change.If she knows you are waiting in the wings and that she can see you every day,she is gong to approve of that scenario I am sure.She has her homewrecking OM in her life and you and the kids on the side.You need to take yourself out of the equation so you will not be used.Does that make sense?

Lastly,I too could not believe that my WH gave up so much for someone who just met and knew only weeks at the time.It was insane.We have been together for 20 years,best friends,married 13 years,just bought our dream home,have two beautiful daughters,great dog,friends,family life,etc,etc all for a homewrecker he thinks he knows and who no one in both our families want to know about.My In-Laws cannot believe that he is going to throw it all away and I agree.But,he has to do what he is because he wants to see what will happen so I let him go.After of year of struggle,I cannot prevent him from destroying his life.He looks awful but yet he thinks what he is doing is for "love" Puke.

Well,hang in there.You'll be ok if you stick with us.Keep posting.

O

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 12:35 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Jets

I understand what u r going through. I was once where your wife is now. I could not understand my husbands pain and wanted him to move on. It took his appearing to move on for me to realise what I had missed. I sincerely believe that this will work for u. Right now u r just too available for your wife. You are meeting her needs bigtime.

You need to sort out some way of exchanging the kids without your having contact. Im not sure how old they are but perhaps you could arrange for them to meet her out by the car, or for them to open the door and your being in another room when she arrives. You could make this arrangement part of your PlanB letter. You could perhaps keep a book that goes with them with any important information,(school info, medicine etc) in order to avoid direct contact.

Chin up...U have doen a great PlanA and that is half the battle. now you can sit back in PlanB and reap the fruits of your efforts !

jets:

I know what you're feeling. I turned 41 this year, and I know that the world does look very, very different.

Mortality sets in.

You have to move on. You can't take back the past; you don't get a "do over". Those years are gone. Now you have to make the next 40 count for what they can.

If your WW has her epiphany upon seeing you move on - well good for her. By then you will be in a new phase of your life, perhaps you will find a new partner, and you'll feel joy that your WW did finally "get it", but a little sad that it was too late. But, timing is everything, and your WW must understand that, too.

O,Debbra,and Uphill,
Thanks for the birthday wishes.
I will try the best i can to implement a effective plan B this will be hard but i am already trying to find ways to detach myself from her. I am not going to stand around and listen to her stories of the day. Mostly anything i talk with her about will be related with the kids. She will feel i am being cold and distance, i know, but this i think will be good.
Once she leaves i will try to minimize the contact as much as i can controll. Dropping the kids off at the door ,or dropping them off 15mins. prior to comming home from work. That way i won't have to see her, but i know eventually we will, she will as i will attend our kids sporting events. I am not going to let her mess cause me to miss out on my childrens moments. I will be cordial during this time, but no talk of anything if i can help it. It may not be as affective as a intermediary,but with my wife hopefully it will be and will have to be. Right now she seems to think that we can be free to call each other whenever we are in the mood, exchange food and all that stuff. She wants to cake eat, but i am not falling for this. Last night i witness how selfish and self centered she has become and how she is playing me and my feelings. I came to a conclusion with my self that this has got to stop. I told her i think we need to get you out of here soon. She agreed.
WW woke me up from the hall way, i said i had to work 30mins over and will meet her at sons practice field to exchange the kids, she is to go and meet OM at apt. tonight to unload her boxes, that she loaded in her car by herself,but now needs assistance of OM to unload(bunch of BS). Asked when to expect her she stated 900 to 930. Said goodbye and that was it. No hugs no eye contact. So i am trying best as i can, while she is living under my roof to start plan B with her. It is tough because i want to give in, but i am trying to be strong and resist.
jets

Jets...

Just wanted to wish you a happy belated birthday. I wish it could have been a better one for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.