note: I'm a new member.

I've read through the Concepts and Q&A but haven't found a direct answer to this.

I've been married 5 years and am just starting to realize that my marriage is in trouble because I don't feel sexually attracted to my husband anymore. I realized this for sure when I went out of town on a business trip a week ago and ended up getting drunk and kissing/making out with a man I'd never met before.

I don't want to ever do it again. I don't plan on doing it again. I want to save the marriage and work on it. I plan to use the suggestions that were made in a Q&A about how to redevelop my sexual attraction towards my husband.

My husband has voiced his opinions on cheating and views such an act as something that one can't recover from. He would lose all respect and trust. He's said it point blank. He would continue in the marriage for the sake of children (we have 2) but it would be irrevocably damaged.

Does the "honesty" concept mean that I have to tell on myself to work on things even if I will never do it again?

Yes, yes and yes.

You must be honest with your H for 3 reasons:

1. How can you fix a problem when you're keeping a secret, and therefore telling a lie directly related to that problem? Omitting information IS a lie.

2. In light of #1 - which would be worse, your H hearing it from you first as an apology and promise, or from someone/something else? Then you've doubled the betrayal by hiding it. And lest you think your H will never find out - THEY ALWAYS FIND OUT EVENTUALLY.

3. You have made a mistake, and it's only fair to your H to give him the opportunity to decide how HE wants to deal with this information. You have to give him the chance to participate in fixing whatever is wrong.
Even though he says "cheating is irreversible" (a completely illogical and unproven stance anyway), he's never been in the position to make that judgment from the eyes of the betrayed spouse. He knows not of what he speaks, I think...he says that now, but what will he say when confronted with the truth?


Trust me on this...

I am a FWH who had many more damning and devastating sins to confess than you (and if you don't believe me, read my "compleat story") - and I hid them and covered them until I could no longer do so, both because my BS uncovered info on her own and because I finally realized I could never heal the wounds unless I confessed all.

And, my BS also betrayed me and covered it up rather than come to me immediately, and I will always have some mistrust of her over that too.

You have the opportunity here to prevent more serious damage, TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT.

Hiding this truth and pretending it never happened will come back to haunt you tenfold down the road. I wish I could be in your position once again and do things the RIGHT way, now I am paying the price for not being more honest sooner.

However - even though my honesty came later than it should, it has still had a positive impact. My wife and I are closer to reconciling now than we were BEFORE I told her the entire truth.

First, Welcome to MB! You got here just in time. You are in a very managable situation but you need to react soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does the "honesty" concept mean that I have to tell on myself to work on things even if I will never do it again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes. Absolutely!
It's called the concept of radical honesty. And it is just that. If you do not tell your H what is wrong how will he be able to help fix it? Basically, if you dont tell him you are hiding your cards.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband has voiced his opinions on cheating and views such an act as something that one can't recover from. He would lose all respect and trust. He's said it point blank. He would continue in the marriage for the sake of children (we have 2) but it would be irrevocably damaged. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All this is true. Why should he trust you? Is there a reason? I think that you know why he wouldn't. Read the concepts on this site particularly the ones about the four things that make a good marriage.

The Rule of Care:

Meet Your Spouse's Most Important Emotional Needs

First learn what they are then learn to meet them.


The Rule of Protection:

Avoid Being the Cause of Your Spouse's Unhappiness

Learn to protect your H from the things that threaten your M.


The Rule of Honesty

Honesty and Openness is one of the ten most important emotional needs identified in marriage, which means that when it's met, it can trigger the feeling of love. But it's counterpart, dishonesty, is one of the five most destructive Love Busters. When spouses are dishonest, they destroy the love they have for each other.

Learn about Past, Present, Emotional, and Future Honesty.


The Rule of Time:

Take Time to Give Your Spouse Your Undivided Attention

This is very very important! Dr. Harley suggests that you spend at least 15hrs. of time "Undivided Attention" together. This does not include activities like Television, or ones that include children.

If you pay attention to these principals you will be well on your way to an affair proof M! And that is what most of the people on this board wish for more than anything. You have the chance to save yourself and your H immesurable pain and anguish. Not to mention the little ones.

Before you have the talk with your H you might Order and read Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs. As well, Read at very minimum all the basic concepts on this website. I would also suggest starting some marriage counseling (MC) prior to telling him if you feel that he will have a real tough time with this. All of us here would suggest the Harley's. You can set up phone sessions through this website. If not the Harley's then make sure you get a pro-M counselor. A bad decision here can cost you your M.

Keep posting here for support. There are pleanty of posters here that have been in your situation but many more in much worse. Take a look around this board and you will see some of the intense pain that an affair (A) can cause. There is more sadness on this board than you can imagine. Take care and remember we are here for you.

C.

<small>[ October 12, 2004, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: shmaley ]</small>

Thanks for the advice.

I have a little more I want to say to see if there's any further advice.

I've been seeing a counselor for 2 years about sexual abuse as a child. H has gone with me twice in the past 6 months, and we've talked about how we don't have a sexual relationship anymore. This whole time, I've been maintaining that it was a lack of sex drive on my part--that I wasn't sexually interested in anyone (including H). Now, I've realized that that's not the whole story because I was sexually attracted to the man I kissed. So for H to find out that the sex problem is really a problem with him--my not being attracted to HIM, then I feel that will be a crushing blow to his ego. I mean, who wants to hear that?

That is one of the other reasons I was thinking about not telling him. I really think it would hurt his feelings tremendously. He's had a self-image problem for years--gained alot of weight, etc. (by the way: the weight is not the reason why I don't feel sexually attracted to him--the amount of weight he's gained is not an issue for me).

I mean I just don't know how to say it all to him. I feel like it would be cruel. Cruel because not only does he find out that I did something with another man, but he finds out that his wife's sex problem is really a problem of not being attracted to him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well, its not JUST a problem with him - it is a problem between you two. When he starts to meet your emotional needs and protect you, your sexual feelings for him will return. He can never do those things if you continue to lie to him to protect his feelings, because he doesn't know what you need and what hurts you.

okay, i've read the concepts here and the q&a's already and looked around, and i have a pro-M counselor.

but do i really have time to read that book? shouldn't i be telling him as soon as possible? and how am i gonna read a book around the house with a title like that?

my other question is how to do this. how to go about it? set up a dinner without the kids and say what. i have so much anxiety right now that i can't even think straight.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> set up a dinner without the kids and say what </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When my wife confessed, she took a half-day off work and set up an appointment with me at 9:00 am - after the kids had left for school. I had long ago said that I would divorce her if she was ever unfaithful. She simply said, in tears, that she had been an unfaithful wife and that I could do whatever I wanted - throw her out, leave, whatever. There were several reasons I didn't follow through on my pledge to divorce her, and the humble spirit in which she confessed helped, but most people do not decide to divorce right away when they discover infidelity, despite what they might have said they would do.

It IS possible to recover, but if he doesn't believe that, you won't. When my wife confessed, I had no idea if recovery was possible, but I wanted to try. Almost the first thing I did was order "Survivng an Affair". We started reading it the day it arrived, and it wasn't all that long before our marriage was better than it had EVER been (which is only possible, I suppose, because it had never been very good...)

One last thing - I said when he started protecting you and meeting your most important EN's your sexual feelings for him would come back. That is not necessarily true, but if they don't, it is because of your sexual history, not because of what he is or is not doing or being. However, it will be difficult for him not to take it personally. You might try reading "Intimate Issues", by Dillow, and highlighting all the parts you want him to read or to talk about with you. It will open things up for discussion betwen you in a way that will give you the opportunity to move your intimacy to a new level.

casey,

i posted this in your other topic, the one asking for expalnations on initials.

i figured i should put this part of the post here too...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i read your story too. and so i will put my thoughts here on honesty too. 1) i think it is worth you trying to understand why you are not sexually attracted to your H at this point (has it ALWAYS been this way?) and 2) honesty is key, i know that is very hard to hear right now considering the weight you are carrying but it really is. i had problems early in my marriage and i hid an A that occured both while we were engaged and then another that occured about 5yrs into the marriage. at year 15 our marriage totally fell apart or maybe it was just me that fell apart. whatever the outcome of the honesty, it is always better than not being honest. took me to age 41 to really understand this. good luck to you, i'll keep watching for your posts if you would like. Karen </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Casey3 – This is a big opportunity for you and your H to finally get to the bottom of your problems, before they spin out of control. Whatever the original reason for your loss of attraction, it is probably now more to do with the dynamics of your relationship than anything else.

My H and I have been through the same thing, where my sex drive dwindled to zero. It became a big elephant in the living room, with both of us ignoring the problem and hoping it would just go away. This was easier than you’d imagine, as we’d always been very loving and affectionate.

However, I too became attracted to another man and although we didn’t even get as far as kissing, my behaviour was far from appropriate. It shocked me to realise that my body was probably all in working order, but not with my H. I thought that telling my H about this would destroy him, especially since his self-esteem was already so low because of me. I kept this to myself, still hoping that the situation would magically right itself, but my H became very distant after years of rejection and sensing that I had been through a change and was no longer receptive to me. The misery and loneliness had caused him to shut down emotionally.

He gradually switched off from me and began an affair and quickly decided to start a new life with OW. After 5 months of the affair, it seemed we were finally in recovery. It was at that point that I decided to come clean about what happened with me. We couldn’t have any secrets if we were to move forward. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever had to do, especially at such a fragile time. He was full of anger (and still is), mostly because I’d kept this secret for a year and a half and left him wondering what was in my head during that time. He could forgive my behaviour, but not my secrecy. I can’t express to you, the regret I feel for not sharing these things with him. We really never had a chance of working things out, without all cards being on the table, even if the facts hurt. The affair continued for another 4 months, with several more false recoveries. It may never have happened at all if I’d been honest from the beginning.

We are now 3 months into true recovery and H is still battling with anger and resentment towards me. However, we can now talk about our problems and how our sexual relationship got this way. I think as time went on without intimacy, we stopped relating to each other in that way and stopped seeing each other as sexual beings. All attempts at physical intimacy became tense, anxious and fearful, which overtook any chance of pleasure. We know now that we need to re-create our relationship, slowly but surely and with complete honesty. We must not be so afraid to hurt each other, that we stuff our feelings and thoughts. Believe me, doing that does not help the relationship and it’s the relationship that must be put first at all costs. Neither of us are prepared to live a life of celibacy, so we either work it out, or get out. We have not begun that journey yet, so I don’t really have advice on how to proceed. I just know that you must tell your H everything, to give your relationship a chance. The initial storm will pass, but you will find yourselves communicating better than you ever thought possible. This is not about you or your H, it’s about your marriage and doing what’s best for it.

I wish you luck in your decision. I know it’s hard, but try and be brave. Trust me, a secret will put a wedge between you and prevent progress. Let us know how you get on.

You really should tell him. It will free you of the burden. It will give an indication of how REAL your needs are.

My DH confessed to a one night stand. If he hadn't told me I NEVER would have known. But because of it *I* am making more of an effort to fulfil some of his needs. HE is also making an effort to be a better man and husband.

I was the "if you EVER cheat, I'll kill you" type. Well, he cheated and I'm still here with a clearer view of the REALITIES of a marriage.

C

Well I seem to stand alone here. You didn't sleep with this other man but you recognise what you did was wrong. Does he really need to know? Honestly? Maybe I come from planet zog but I wish I could go back to pre-affair, before the tears, arguments, plan A etc etc. I was quite happy in my ignorance! Yeah I know - radical honesty blah blah. You might be able to work on this without shattering your husband's world. Do you think he would be receptive to change unless he was forced into it!? You say you are not attracted to him sexually. Is he attracted to you? I know I'm probably wrong here but I just pity what you might be about to put your husband through. TT.