Hi all,

I'm a controller who knows how destructive it is and am slowly changing. I understand I can only control myself.

I see a lot of posts about boundaries. What is the difference between setting a boundary and making a selfish demand? Isn't setting a boundary kind of an ultimatum?

We have a couple of grey area issues which are making me uncomfortable. She wants to have lunch with a male friend of the OM. I would prefer she focus her time and energy on our marriage, but that's hard to do 24/7. I'm considering setting a boundary of "No contact with his friends" but don't want to Control her. It makes me really uncomfortable that she has any contact with the circle of people he hangs around with.

Any advice?

In a nutshell, boundaries are what you are willing to do, or will not do.

So trying to establish boundaries for another is control.

So you can only make a thoughtful request about her friends that make you uncomfortable, she has to set the boundary for herself.

You might tell her what you are willing to do, that you are willing to meet her for lunch, that you prefer her having lunch with you instead of those friends, etc.

So you might say, when you have lunch with group X (or OM's Friend), I feel threatened, I thknk you might still have feelings for OM, so I would like to you to think about having lunch with me instead.

But you cannot tell her what to do.

Control is telling other people what to do, setting boundaries is saying what you can and will do or endure.

A boundary is all about what you will or will not do.

TB

Yes, I believe I can make this a little bit easier to understand!

Controlling is when I set a limit for you..."jsp, you can not have any female friends."

A Boundary is when you set a limit for YOURSELF..."I can no longer be involved in a relationship in which I am no longer the primary party."


Controlling is the attempt to make or force someone else to think or act YOUR way.

A Boundary is the attempt to take the reins of your own life and define what you will and will not accept.

Does that make sense??

Now, here on MB, a boundary is often spoken off in a manner that seems to indicate controlling (for example, "My WS can have no more affairs or I'm done!)--the format of the wording is wrong. Actually, the real boundary is "My WS is a fully mature adult who is responsible for and can make his/her own choices; however, I will no longer be involved in a relationship in which I am the third wheel."

Soooooo...in your instance, it would be controlling to tell your wife, "You can not speak to OM's male friends" because you are attempting to make her do something YOUR way or think what YOU think. She is allowed to think or feel what she decides to think or feel--even if it's irrational to you! It would NOT be controlling, and it would be a reasonable boundary, to tell your wife, "I will no longer be the third wheel in our relationship, so you are free to decide. I hope that you will turn to me and allow me to meet your needs--but if you turn to a third party that is a boundary I can not live with. At that point, I will be free to decide what I need to do."

Can ya see the difference??


CJ