My WS told one of her friends that she felt a little guilty that she did not think of me the whole time that she was visiting OM. OM lives in another town 1000mi away and WW visited him for a week and a half. This was within the first month after d-day. It has been another month and a half and she has gone to visit OM again. WW uses a job position as the reason that she is going. However, that is quickly becoming very obviously a joke to everyone.

Does the WS feel guilt at this point? Sounds like this is fog babble but I would like to hear some back up for it. Along with some theories from you FWW's. I just would like to feel like she is not able to be with OM without thinking about us and M.

C.

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: shmaley ]</small>

recovering bh here...

bud, don't count on it. when a wife strays, unfortunately, the husband has generally damaged the marriage so much, that she is relieved to be away from you. And then, unless you go to a plan b, when she comes home, you are still the furthest thing from her mind, and generally, zero romantic thoughts towards you.... 10 months and ticking here. I know my wife knows she loves me, but, I don't believe she feels much in that love/desire/passion area.

I have 'seen' her say at about 3 months, no thoughts about me when I'm not around! Grrr. Out of sight, out of mind.

I am a recovering ww and i did feel quilt at times and other times i did not, my om had me convinced that my husband was not a good husband and he would tell me he could tell i was not happy, which was not true until i was completely
involved with om, that is when the true fog i guess really started, i did not feel guilty anymore i was so involved with the om and the newness of the relationship that is was basically out of sight out of mind.

I don't really know if i believe that the bs is partly to blame for the affair at least in my case Rookkev, as we might have had a couple of issues but nothing that should have led to me straying, so please don't blame yourself too much. I think when a ws says well you did not listen to me or you did not do this or that for me it is just a way of justifing the straying from the marriage, a ws will lie like anything,
i had my husband so convinced he was a bad husband it was sickning! I even had myself convinced of it, and tried to convince others as well.
I was away from my marriage for 5 years and am now completely in love with my husband in every way so there is hope for sure. Expose to everyone if you have not already done so asap as that takes away some of the allure and thrill of the affair, i really do think that exposure is a #1 affair killer. I will pray for your marriage recovery Shamley

I am a fww - when I was having an A I did feel justified, like Kev said "the husband has generally damaged the marriage so much, that she is relieved to be away"
I was so hurt in my marriage, I had given up, it was a very selffish thing to do but for that time in the A I felt alot of my EN's were being met, it felt good after so long - I guess that was fog.

My H did a great Plan A - while he suspected the A and then after Dday, after we started counselling and agreed to work on our M is when I started to feel the remorse,I realized that my H did love me, for years I was sure he didn't - probably because he told me he didn't (I refer to Kevin's statement again).

Hang in there, once the fog lifts ww will see (hopefully) the mistake,
Sandy

Thank you for the prayers JEC47. I continue to expose to new people all the time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i had my husband so convinced he was a bad husband it was sickning! I even had myself convinced of it, and tried to convince others as well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My WW tried this but she is not able to keep it up because of my Plan A. My changes have been very noticable and now she has rolled over to the old "it won't last excuse". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

S1000. This is good information. The stages and FWW's opinion on what happens during those stages is helpful. Just trying to get a grip on where she is at mentally. Thanks.

Keep the posts coming!

C.

Bump^

I agree with all the post here. Isn't that sad, out of sight out of mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm wondering if my H had went into plan A during my A how I would have responded. I ended my A on my own. I was done it had run it's course. I seen the light, whatever it might have been. When I ended it though, I still seen my H as a bad H, but I loved him. I never dreamed he could be more, but he is.

shmaley, I don't know the details of your A, sorry. How long have you been in plan A, and exposure, you said almost everybody knows. Tell anybody who you think can bring this down. If you have been in Plan A, with exposure for a length of time, yet she is still seeing OM, how long before Plan B???

It is all fog shmaley, she doesn't really feel this way about him, she is addicted to the rush, but it is only a fantasy, here real feelings are still within her, and they are for her.

KY

I've been in Plan A for just over 2 months. I have set a limit for my Plan A and it is next year. However, I do re-evaluate every month if I feel like I can go another month.

Would it have made a difference if your BS's had tried to spend more time with you. Or were the subtle reminders more effective? What were the most effective parts of Plan A?

C.

During the A it would have been a hinderance to the A, so I would have been bothered by his attempt to spend more time with me.

Luckily for me he had no interest with me at the time. (I say that in the past tense he now longs to spend time with me, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and I say the "luckily" part as sarcasm)

I would say you do everything possible without LB to end the A, while still plan Aing, but if Plan A and exposure are not working than Plan B.

I'm not sure the suggested time frame for Plan Aing for a man, I'm glad you re-evalute every month, that is very smart of you.

I want to go around the entire world and shake every WS there is, so they wake up out of their silly little fantasy and come back to their reality. GRRRR!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

KY, did that help? Do you have any other specific Q's?

Thanks for the thourghtful thread.

My own A was not an EA, so maybe that's why I don't feel I would have had all the difficulty I'm seeing here. Perhaps I would've distanced myself out of shame and anger, tho.

Shame, bc despite the circumstances, I still feel I was the one making the choice to allow it and thereby resp. for the hurt involved.
Anger, bc -truthfully- you always want to be able to blame someone else...

My BS has re-broken off w his OW as of yesterday. 3rd time, so he tells me. each time, I have found out he didn't.

He says it's over. That she cried and said she knew he'd never actually leave me. I asked, and he confirmed, they had discussed it. Wow. That really hurts.

When I asked if he'd called or been called last night, he said no, but when I mentioned he seems too calm, he said the AD was beginning to help. Doubtful, as he's only been on AD 3 days....

I'll plan A for a while.

Re-eval week by week.

restarting said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> he said the AD was beginning to help. Doubtful, as he's only been on AD 3 days.... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Could be the placebo effect....I felt pretty immediate relief from my AD meds. Just within a couple of days. And when I was on the wrong ones I had anxiety attacks pretty immediately as well.

kyellow4 said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">KY, did that help? Do you have any other specific Q's? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can't really think of any. I guess the answer to my question is summed up with out of sight out of mind. This is probably not true for all WW but probably depends on the person. As for my WW I still don't know what I believe. However, If you read my post you will see what I have done this morning to not only insure that she is thinking about me but to also let her know how I feel.

Thanks for all of your replies. I hope that SadFWW will make an appearence. I'll call her out.

C.