gc:

I don't think you're too grateful. I think you're just hurt. I would hope that you can remain grateful for the time that you did have with sparrow, no matter what the final outcome.

I hope that things start to get a bit unsettled over there when OM's baby is born. But only time will tell.

Hang in there, okay?
-Qfwfq (aka 2long)

well i haven't said it in awhile so i'll say it again, i know exactly how you feel. the part about not even seeing a reconciliation or even wanting one. as well as thoughts about future relationships and not hurting someone should they develop feelings for you. i don't know if you remember but i had posted something similar awhile back and compared it to TV sitcoms in how they go from R to R and people get hurt and upset, etc. well it got to the point where almost the thought of possibly hurting someone was paralyzing to me. but you know as long as your honest w/someone about the way you are feeling then the likelihood someone would be hurt is minimal.

someone also said something to me that kind of made me swallow my fear was "nothing ventured nothing gained." i took it to mean that i could get hurt in another R and that person could as well but how will we ever know if we don't get out there and certainly we are much better off this time having learned what we have about R's and HN/HN. once i realized it was indeed "over" and i didn't want my h back and so on, i actually got kind of excited at thinking about the possibilities but like i said it was kind of scary thinking about it to having been hurt and rejected and i didn't want to hurt someone else if they should develope feelings for me.

but you know what? my fears were unfounded and God had the answer waiting right there for me, just let things happen and not get worried about the what if's.

the divorce is still not going to end that quickly anyway. i told my lawyer on 11/5/04 to accept service for the petition for divorce and was told if we agree on everything then it would probably be a few weeks. well that was over 2 months ago. we have both been pushing this to get done and it hasn't because of holidays and just the time it takes for responses, etc. i still don't think it will be done for a couple more weeks. all that is needed is for it to go before a judge. anyway, what i'm saying is it ain't over till it's over. i just kind of forsee what happend to me happening to you in that you will come to a point where you just want it over and want to get on with your life. but if you still put the breaks on the D, that's fine too but i'm just sensing that's not the direction you are going.

i will be soon hitting the 1yr mark on dday and it's truly amazing what has happened over the last year. but gray i got to tell you that right now, i'm happier than i have been in a long, long time, i know there's a great future ahead but i also know i wouldn't be where i am having not gone through what i have. i'm not glad the A happened and all the consequences but i can see the good in it and know that i will have a better marriage the next time around and be a better wife and FRIEND because of what has happened. dday will come and go and will not cause me to pause for an instant.

brighter days are ahead my friend, prayers to you, RR

Thanks, RR. I know I'll be okay in the end.

Today, I received a letter from my attorney advising me to hurry up and take care of a few things I've got hanging over my head.

That old familiar feeling came over me reading the letter. The reality of doing the divorce comes, and the pain I get from it is a very real physical sensation, almost crippling.

How can I pretend to have made any progress at all when I'm still this vulnerable? Having this over with will be a relief, in a way, but I'm obviously not ready.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She flunked a bowling class she took for a college phyed requirement because she didn't want to stick her fingers in the bowling ball and screw up her nails. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG! I'd flunk because I can't stick my feet into someone else's shoes....I could never, ever bowl unless I bought my own shoes...never mind sticking my fingers into those holes....I'd have to Purell the ball first.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Bowling is like, number 2, on my "oogey" list.

I know, I'm too OCD to be allowed to continue breathing.

Hi Weaver! I miss you!

Met another woman tonight.

I went shopping with Amelia after work today. She headed home and I still hadn't had dinner. All I have in my fridge is nasty spoiling leftovers of Polish Xmas food (when we go sub-zero later this week I'll get rid of it), so I headed to the neighborhood bistro for a bite.

I sat at the bar, next to a woman having dinner alone. She asked if I had enough room. When I went to wash my hands, I asked her to guard my soup. I came back, and we started talking. We talked about where in the neighborhood we lived, and where we came from. I told her I was originally from Wisconsin, and she said she married someone from there. She mentioned visiting in-laws there, and then said, "But I don't have to do that any more."

I had a big, giant, obvious opening to ask about her divorce and get a conversation going on that subject. She was obviously interested in continuing to talk with me, and she was GORGEOUS.

I didn't take the opportunity. Partly out of shyness, partly out of my wish to stay married and not get too personal chatting up this beautiful single woman. We talked a little more about lighter subjects, then she left and we said g'nite.

Is it possible I might actually have a life sometime in the future?

Sorry, the sparrow is the only person I've had a serious relationship with, and I fell a$$-backward into that one. I'm a little too humble or lacking in confidence or whatever to think a beautiful, interesting woman will actually find me appealing. But an optimist would argue there's evidence to the contrary. Hm.

GC

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 11:27 PM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

Hey GC. Okay, I just have to put my .02 in here. Now, take a minute to step back. How many women have you had either come on to you or just plain start talking to you in the last say, 2 months? Well, have you stopped yet? There are quite a few aren't there? Well, looking in, I would say that you have absolutely NOTHING to worry about. YOur dedication and your caring shines through. UH DUH!

(And I saw your pic on the photo thread. ANd IMHO, you don't need a bag over your head. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ATTITUDE is everything! For example, in my wild and single days, I dated a LOT. I had more men call to ask me out in a week than far more beautiful women got in a month.

It's the attitude coupled with self-confidence. The self-confidence comes from knowing your self-worth. ANd I think you know who you are. YOu should be proud.

Don't worry. It sounds more like you will have to beat them off with a stick. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

JMVHO

gc:

"Is it possible I might actually have a life sometime in the future?"

Is a duck's butt waterproof??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You being almost hit on by all these babes must be why the REST of the male world DOESN'T have a life right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Just kidding!

and, faa:

"Don't worry. It sounds more like you will have to beat them off with a stick."

Batteries included, perhaps? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

And now I'm REALLY sorry! But I *am* crass, revolting ol' 2long, after all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


-ol' 2long

2long: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I must be having a blonde moment but how would that work for a man? hhhmmmmm.

This week, I've been nagged by my attorney to get the title for the sparrow's car signed over to her, to get corrections made on the house appraisal, stuff like that.

I've only done a little of it.

I think my laissez-faire approach to all this divorce stuff is going to make me appear disagreeable, and it's going to force me to have to get more mail from the lawyers, which has a terrible effect on me.

This weekend I'm going to do as much as I can. First and most important, I'm boxing up everything remaining that I plan to let the sparrow have.

Next week I'm going to try to have all my divorce homework done, and I'm going to be agreeable and easygoing. Tra la la.

I'm hurting, but I'm just about done hoping for it not to end. Get real, it's over.

The other day I heard a recording of a couple (one of whom posts here occasionally) speaking at their church. The woman, a FWW, got up in front of a few thousand people and talked about having an affair and her efforts to make things right.

I don't believe my wife has anything in her even remotely resembling the guts it would take to do something like that.

In order to not want the sparrow back, it helps to focus on her negative qualities. But focusing on the negative qualities of somebody who has hurt you, while fair, also leads to bitterness and regret. Blech. What a sludgy mess.

GC

<small>[ January 14, 2005, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: graycloud ]</small>

No words, GC, just ((GC))

gc:

I think it's healthier 2 focus on YOUR positive qualities, not her negative ones.

And healthier not 2 NEED her back, but perhaps still want 2 see her come around.

Same outcome, but perhaps without the bitterness, long term?

best,
-ol' 2long

I had dinner with car4love tonight. Had a great time. I'm glad to be back in touch with her. I told her I hoped she didn't feel like I've been giving her the cold shoulder the last few months, but that I had to extricate myself from everything for a while. I hope there's some way I can help her, if she needs it, when the baby comes.

Just after I dropped her off, she went to where she meets OM to pick her daughter up. It's real close to her house. I stopped to fuel up at a nearby station. As I started the pump I realized what I might be in for. Sure enough, the sparrow's car went whizzing by and I caught my first blurry glimpse, ever, of OM.

Funny thing... it hardly fazed me at all. I saw the car, said, "Well I'll be damned," and felt a little twinge, but that was it. It was barely a hiccup. I pondered for a second whether I should try getting a good look at the driver, thought what the heck, and took the best look I could. Didn't see much.

GC

Wow, GC do you realize how significant that moment was? You are healing very well my friend. I am glad you are there for car4love again, it sounds like you are strong enough now. Good for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I hope you're right, FF.

With some coaxing from my lawyer, the sparrow has restored my access to my old email.

As I downloaded everything to empty out the old mail folders, I read a few of the messages that went back and forth over the summer. God, the horror.

I'm handling it okay though.

Tomorrow I find out whether I can buy the sparrow out of the house using my retirement.

GC

(((GC)))

I hope so. I want you to have your casa, my friend.

- Kimmy

Thanks, Kimmy.

On Sunday, car4love gave birth to a baby boy. Both are doing swell.

GC

GC, praying for you to get your house. I am so glad you got your email back. I will pray for car4love and son too. Thank God he is healthy and they are well.

A boy? I wonder if that will make any difference with the OM or not? Some men are more drawn to sons than daughters - and I'm not saying they don't LOVE their daughters, but something about having a namesake - and ESPECIALLY about having a namesake raised by another man - makes them think differently about the situation. There was actually an article about that recently on MSN.

How are you doing GC?

Hi, H4F!

I'm doing okay. A little off kilter - chewing on my situation an awful lot, out of rhythm in my sleeping, blah blah blah. After a rather intense hour, IC sent me home today, said, "Do not go back to work."

I've got about one penny invested in OM's rxn to the child. I've heard something similar about men, but I'm not sure the same thing is likely to happen when a little boy becomes a father. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

GC

Wow, gc!

Give car4love our regards!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I sure hope things start 2 2rn around soon.

-ol' 2long