I am new herebut the story is the same. It has been a long hard year. First my son was diagnoised with kidney failure. While we were checking out if I could be a donor for him I had to have a hysterectomy. While I was recovering I found out my husband was having an affair. I would like to think it started because of the stress oveer our son, but I really don't think so. She worked with him at night and they began to share their sad stories and the next thing they knew.... He told me he didn't want to leave me that he loved me. He told me everything details I didn't want to hear nor did I ask for them. I know everything about the OW. Her "lack of love" from her husband, all the affairs she had during her marriage, how she learn to be so good in bed. This thrill H she filled all his fantasies (none that he shared with me before) plus some he hadn't thought of. She excitied him. He said he tried to break it off. We went to a marriage counselor, but he started lying to the counselor as well as me. I would find out he was still seeing her, we would have long talks more detail would come out but sometimes he woould say he didn't love me then he would say he did. He wanted to get over her. I wanted him to quit work but we couldn't we need the insurance for the transplant for our son. He ended up being the donor. He told me that being off work would help him get over her. I hope so much that it would. After surgery(eveything went great with the surgery). Our conselor made him confess that he had never stop having contact with the OW. He would call her from the hospital when I was in the next roon with our son. He said he didn't want to lose me. He went to break it off with her but never came back. That was two months ago. This man has totally changed!!! He was a kind loving husband and father. I do know he has been feeling like a failure because he has lost three jobs since 1994. In our talks he told me he felt like a failure with our children. Our on is 21 and we have a daughter,23, who is married and has two sons,3yr and 3 months old. He adored his grandchildren. I think he is gooing through a midlife crisis. Since he left and started living with the OW he has not had any contact with his children, grandchildren or even his parents. I had to resign from my job as I couldn't handle the stress. I taught school and it was hard enough to finish school last year aftter I found out. I couldn't do that to my students. Our house is up for sale and I and our son have moved in with my daughter and her family 86 miles away until I can find a place to live and another job. The only contact I have had with him since he left was when he picked up his clothes, Igave him his share of the bills to pay, and when we discussed worked to be done on the house. I have not talked to him in over a month. He and the OW make a combine salary or $1600. He has lots of bills and she does to, she spends money like she has it, in fact he told me she writes hot checks all the time just hasn't been caurght yet. Also she was hooked on some type of drug, I'm not sure what he helped her through it. Also, she told him she loved hom and that he is the only man she has ever really loved. I still love him or at least the man he use to be. I have read "Surviving the Affair" The case story sound like mine. What do I do? How do I cope while waiting for him to wake up to reality?<P>------------------<BR>di

I am so sorry to hear yet another story of this devastating selfishness that has come into our lives....I hve been on this site for a year, H and I are still together, the healing is comming very slowly for us, but I do believe it will come.... Even though you have not gotten alot of encouragement, do not be discouraged.....there aare very many wonderful people here that will be able to help you with advice and encouragement..... <BR>Please keep on posting and reading, it is very helpfull just to have a place to vent..<P>I do not think your H will survive in his relatioship with such a vile OW.. it will end and then you and H will have a chance to heal.

SDS-I hope that venting your story helped you as much as it did me. It sounds as though you are a strong person and that you face life's problems very well. I believe that you are right, life was too hard for him to cope with at that time and now he's trying to live like he's someone else, aka mid-life crisis. Either way I have this sense that YOU are being taken care of by the Lord. I know that you will do fine, I pray that he recovers and it isn't too late for him to admit to having made a mistake! Good Luck!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

Thanks lizam and chick's. Venting helps a little. But I feel so frustrated. I feel like I am in a holding pattern, and I want to move on. Not without him but, I am very impatient. Never have been good a waiting. Seems like all I have done this past year is wait. I don't feel very strong, sometimes I think that is my problem in my marriage I was too strong. Idon't really want to be too strong I sure would like someone to take care of me for a change. I guess that is waht happens when the oldestchild marries the youngest child.I am so afraid that if and when he comes to his senses, he will be afraid to come back. You see he told me I am always right and he is always wrong. And coming back would be admitting that I was right again. I am trying to make a life without him, but that worries me too. What if that tells him I am the strong one again. I feel that one of the things that attracted him to the OW was that she was so needy!!! I still have trouble believing that this is happening. He was the kindest most loving, religious person I know, the last person on earth to do something like this. He has gone against everything he ever believed in. The OW aborted his child, he paid for it borrowing money from his parents. They and we are Catholic so you know how that went over. He doesn't believe in abortion, but I glad she did. He never lied until this and now he has become an expert liar. I don't know what was the truth and what wasn't and that scares me. I do know he lied to her too. I am also worried what he has done to his relationship with his children. Our 3yr. grandson will not let me out of his sight. He is worried I might go away and never come back. I can't believe he can staay away from him or our newest baby. I am tired of crying. Will it ever get better? Does one ever stop crying? <P>------------------<BR>di

Hi,<P>I just read your post and am replying in two ways;<P>1. My husband the betrayer had a kidney transplant 11 months ago. His sister was the donor. I wanted to ask you a couple questions. I know this doesn't have to do with infidelity so I won't ask them on this thread but I think that some of the medication he is on is affecting the ending of the affair, the guilt he feels and our recovery. I would appreciate hearing from you on this board if you would be willing to talk to me about this experience. <P>2. I know what you mean about the oldest child marrying the youngest child. My H says I have always been too controlling. What I have been is organized, which is a trait he lacks. But he is using that as justification for his five year affair even when that is one of the things that attracted him to me 20 years ago. Basically I had characteristics that he didn't and vice versa. We complemented each other and it is now being thrown in my face. <P>I have to sign off as my children are calling me. Hope to hear from you again.<P>Hoping

Hi Hoping. I don't mind discussing the transplant. If you would like to email rather then discuss it here. My email is ********I know about being organized. If I didn't do it it wouldn't have been done. He left the bill paying up to me now he complained that he didn't know what was going on and he didn't like asking me about money. We were so far in debt it is unreal. But he didn't like the fact he had to ask me for money at least he couldn't spend any on her. Now he is finding out how hard it is to make ends meet. A big taste of reality in their relationship. She like to spend money. <P>------------------<BR>di