2L, if you are around I drove by your house today. (no I am not stalking you!) I was buying DD wedding shoes, looked up and saw the top of your abode. It is (in my hs lingo)bitchen!!!

Hi FF:

No, I'm still in NY, but heading home 2morrow.

Thanks! We feel we're owned by the house, though, not the other way around. Love the view, though!

-ol' 2long

Last. Night. I. Went. Out. With. My. Friend. And. Had. Too. Many. Beers. On. The. Way. Home. We. Were. Invited. Into. A. House. Where. A. Few. Friends. Were. Hanging. Out. And. Having. Drinks. I. Got. Home. At. Three. And. Now. I'm. At. Work.

Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
It's sleepin, it's a beatin', can't ya please tear it out
And preserve it right there in that jar?

Oh help me, please mama, I'm sickenin'
It's today that's the day of the plunge
Oh the gal I'm to marry is a bow-legged sow
I've been soakin' up drink like a sponge

"Don't ya worry, get dressed," cried my mother
As she plied me with bourbon so sour
Pull your socks up, put your suit on, comb your long hair down,
For you will be wed in the hour

So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
I'm sleepin, it's a beatin', can't ya please take it out
And preserve it right there in that jar?

oh wow, GC. I am waaayy to old to be able to manage on such little sleep. Hope you had fun though!

FF, I'm fine, actually. A little sleep-deprived, but not so awful.

Today is my 11th wedding anniversary. I don't have any plans, but I 'xpect I'll do something social this evening.

A year ago today, I was absorbing the shock of July 26th, when a dirtbag in a rusty convertible served me sparrow's anniversary gift - divorce papers.

I sent her a not big, but very beautiful vase of flowers and a card. The card read,

--
Dear Sparrow,

Happy anniversary.

I didn't want you to think I'd forgotten, and I don't want this to be our last.

Love, GC
--

I went out to eat alone, had a wonderful dinner, and went home.

I had mountains of hope that sparrow would not continue on her path. Over the next several weeks, I periodically sent her a card with a little joke or something inside. I sent her a four-leaf clover just before she left for a trip to Ireland with her grandmother.

She closed her heart to me absolutely, and never showed a sign that she would return.

We were happily married. My offenses against the sparrow were small offenses that I'll spend my life learning to avoid: benign neglect, independence, stubbornness, and selfishness. Her offenses against me were similarly small.

I'm sure she would say she was unhappy for a long time and that my callousness caused her love to erode.

I never knew, and she probably didn't notice until it was a crisis. The process was gradual and imperceptible. And when it led us into turmoil, she did the sparrow thing, just like she'd done in college when her efforts in a class began to slip.

She stopped coming to class, said to hell with it, this is a lost cause, and took the F.

Happy 11th anniversary sparrow.

GC

That says a lot about her lack of personal growth in that area. Prayers and blessings to you on this day. I wish for it to someday just be a small blip on the radar screen. Do something nice for GC today, he deserves it.

FF, I expect that's so.

For someone I loved to have an opportunity for growth and healing, and to have watched her instead choose her current path, fills me with sorrow, even now. I shouldn't feel sorry for her. I doubt she thinks about me.

I do declare, this anniversary was not as painful as the last.

Today, my band's CDs were delivered. They're packaged, shrink-wrapped, and ready to sell. It's done.

My friend Amelia said, "You have to start counting up. It's your 2nd sparrowless anniversary."

GC

Oh, GC how do we buy one of your CD's? Glad the anniversary was not as bad as last. Each year should get better.

That's my W in a nutshell.

-AD

In the course of looking for information about this weeks Torah portion (in which Moses wreaks terrible vengeance on the Midians and has them slaughtered), I came across the aish.com web site. And whilst there, I found their relationship page. Among the interesting things there is a list of the ten things NOT to look for when getting married.

The first one? You married someone with great potential.

I'm pretty sure I made that error, though I had no idea I was making it at the time.

In other religion related news, I went to services last night and today I bought a beautiful illustrated Torah.

Best part of the day, though? A bike ride, me at the pedals and her in the seat behind. When we're on the bike, we can make it to TWO playgrounds in an hour. And DD loves the wind and the speed. Me? I'm in love with riding bikes. I have been since I was five years old.

Now I'm making barbecued chicken and couscous. Mmmmmmmmmmm. Life is gooooood.

I suppose that if I were an observant Jew, various aspects of that would be problematic (spending money on Shabbat, riding bicycles, cooking). Since I'm not even Jewish (yet, anyway), I'm not going to worry about it too much. DD and I have had a fantastic day.

J, I tried to find the things you wrote about, and couldn't.

I had a gig tonight. We opened for a JAM BAND. I don't like jam bands especially, but they were good. They played an awesome verion of "Loving Cup".

It was a little depressing, being in this bar full of pretty girls all in their little groups. I know I won't meet anyone in that environment, but there's something I like about it anyway. I don't even try to approach women in a setting like this. It's a horrible environment for that sorta thing.

Trouble is, it's what I know - places where bands are playing. Would you believe I've NEVER met a girl at a gig who wanted to give me the time of day?

GC is probably a little too cerebral for an environment like this.

Anyway, everything that's happening is making me think very hard about how I'm approaching my post-sparrow life.

I don't know any more if I should keep my house. I love it here. But it's holding me back. Working on the restoration is in the way of too many things - finishing my degree, having money and time to pursue any kind of leisure life, etc. Similarly, I like my job, I'm good at it, and I don't want to leave, but I've been there for six years and nothing has changed all that much about it.

I need to decide what's important, and I don't know right now. I think my attachment to my home is possibly not a good thing.

I feel I need something to change. I don't know how drastic it needs to be, but I don't like this equation.

Anyway, it's awfully late. I'm starting on a week's vacation, which I'll spend working feverishly on the house. Hopefully I'll achieve some real progress.

I need a coach, or a clue. I have a life, but the possibilities seem too limited.

I know that just changing your circumstances is not a cure for what ails ya. Yet, sometimes I wonder if a drastic shift would do me good.

Anyone ever play Defender, the video game? Well, I feel like hitting the "hyperspace" button.

GC

Perhaps you need balance, GC? I mean, well. You've got 168 hours in every week. Have you thought about how you spend that time? How would you like to spend it? Restoration is fine for, 8 hours a week or something. If you're spending 40, then perhaps it would be wise to re-look it.

And attachment to a home is not a bad thing. It's kind of like a marriage, actually. Maybe you should commit to giving it 15 hours a week, including the "regular maintenance" (that would be housework) and the "date nights" (that would be the restoration work). More than that, however, and it's time to switch to doing something else.

I do understand the desire to travel lighter, though. I'm weighed down a -lot- by the addition of all the furniture and other stuff that entered my house in the last few weeks. I have literally hundreds of pounds of extra "stuff" now, and I have this tremendous desire to take a week of vacation and go through ever closet and cupboard in my house to pitch things. I'm doing it slowly instead, but it really is throwing me off.

Here are links to the things I wrote about.

Aish.com relationships: http://www.aish.com/relationships/

The slaughter of the Midianites: http://www.tachash.org/metsudah/m09t.html (Chapter 31)

Atonement and forgiveness: http://www.crosscurrents.org/blumenthal.htm

The Illustrated Torah: The Illustrated Torah

Biking on Shabbat: http://www.aish.com/rabbi/ATR_browse.asp?s=observant&f=tqak&offset=7 (I couldn't resist this one. Observant Judaism perplexes me to no end sometimes...)

J, you're right. I'm out of balance. It's part of a short-term goal, so I'll try not to make decisions or get too panicky until that goal is reached. Then I can figure out what to do.

I have two songs. First, a sad one, by the great Hank:

We met in the springtime when blossoms unfold
The pastures were green and the meadows were gold
Our love was in flower as summer grew on
Her love like the leaves now has withered and gone

The roses have faded, there's frost at my door
The birds in the morning don't sing anymore
The grass in the valley is starting to die
And out in the darkness the whippoorwills cry

Alone and forsaken by fate and by man
Oh, lord, if you hear me please hold to my hand
Oh, please understand

Oh, where has she gone to, oh, where can she be
She may have forsaken some other like me
She promised to honor, to love and obey
Each vow was a plaything that she threw away

The darkness is falling, the sky has turned gray
A hound in the distance is starting to bay
I wonder, I wonder what she's thinking of
Forsaken, forgotten, without any love

And the great Stevie Wonder - this tune can be interpreted as a rebound song, or even a cheater's song. From my POV, I think of it as a song to a not specific new person I haven't met yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Shattered dreams, worthless years
Here am I encased inside a hollow shell
Life began then was done
Now I stare into a cold and empty well

The many sounds that meet our ears
The sights our eyes behold
Will open up our melting hearts
And feed our empty souls

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever
I believe when I fall in love this time it will be forever

Without despair we will share
And the joys of caring will not be replaced
What has been must never end
And with the strength we have won't be erased

When the truths of love are planted firm
They wont be hard to find
And the words of love I speak to you
Will echo in my mind

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever
I believe when I fall in love this time it will be forever

I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever

GC

This place is de-ead.

I just spent my first day of vacation. House. Plaster. Sandpaper. 90 degrees. Sweat! Gallons.

Feel strange. Sort of good. Don't know if all this work will pay off in a conventional way. I'll have done my best.

I took a few minutes out today for fun, something kooky. I took that Stevie Wonder song I posted last night and analyzed a little piece of its ending. I listened carefully to the vocal parts that repeat at the end. Three voices sing, all at once, all Stevie. They say, with different rhythms and melodies,

"I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever."
"I'm so glad that I found someone to believe in again."
"God should answer my prayers"

These three voices are knitted together, tonally, lyrically, and rhythmically, in many, many ways. When you examine it in detail, the connections explode.

I could go on for pages about these four measures. These things are no accident, and form a thing of such beauty! I'd love to be able to create that kind of art.

Aaaaanyway...

GC

I just plastered a bathroom...you were VERY smart to take a break and do something fun. That was a DAY!
SAR2

stopping by and poking the fire with a stick wondering where everyone is? When is ss coming back and where is SLH? Weaver, hope you are ok.

GC, are you sure you want to spend your vacation working?

AD tramps up with an armload of sticks, tosses them on the few remaining embers with a sigh, starts to fiddle with the fire, but thinks better of it, and walks away at a medium pace.

-AD

FF, this is the second weeklong vacation I've spent working. I'd rather have a real vacation, but this is satisfying. It's making my house nicer, which calms me more than any vacation would at this point. I'm still very concerned about losing it.

GC

Well, GC if it brings you peace than that satisfies me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am just being the not as good as ss conscience right now. I will pray for you, I do often anyway.

Hey y'all.

Gosh I wish we all lived closer together. A laid-back dinner and some good convo would ford leagues for me right now.

I've been thinking a great deal about Resentment lately, and the strength with which it can hold onto a person even when we are struggling to put it aside. How it can temper every word out of our mouths with a steely grey brittleness, how it can color our actions into inactivity and render us immobile just as surely as if we were rooted to that spot. . . daring us to reach out a hand of compassion or concern.

Existance. Just so, and nothing more.

Lately I've had to stomp my feet and yell in order to be heard, even after the talks and ultimatums and such. It works for a time and then all progress dissipates back into the familiar lethargic tarpit. I'm wondering if it will always be like this, if I should suck it up, acknowledge that this is how things are, etc. Or make plans to flee.

FF, are you are living with this too? What do you do to get beyond it? Biblical quotes welcome too, hon. Something for me to meditate on.

I was once one of the least resentful, slowest to anger people I know, even after a childhood decidedly pock-marked with unhappiness and wanting. But after years of this marriage, being disappointed and then renewing my faith, and then facing more disappointments, I am starting to wake up and ask questions like, Why? And I know that road only leads to more of the same, but I can't help it.

I don't think any of us really knows the depths we are capable of until we've been there.