Here's to cheese. Make mine sharp chedder.
And Triscuit crackers.

Somebody stoke the fire.......Ok, Ok,
SS takes a turn, and stokes the fire.


2long seems quiet tonight.

Weaver happier than in a while, but not as outgoing as she sometimes is.

Foundareason looks a little cold.

Gray may be on the verge of a breakthrough, he has a smile I haven't seen for a while.

Binder, so aloof - like he's got something on his mind.

SLH - looks happy and outgoing, I think she knows people care about her.

Finallylearning -T2M - Where'd you go?

and Faithful - With the smile that hides the hurt so well. But wait, is it real?

J is gone again too. I wonder of HoFS has anything to do with this?

And Ad - where's Ad?

Plus the others that sometimes drop by?

The fire - the warmth........ makes me want to stay longer.

Someone tell a story before I fall asleep.

SS

Funny we get these loners on the night shift nowadays. A good sign I reckon.

SS, the smile is a little lopsided. I'm a buoy. And can't help but think about chemistry when my level changes. Learning to manage lows is an experiment. Used to be they were too rare for such easy study.

I don't have a story, just a quotation.

"Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle."
Philo of Alexandria

GC

I'm here, just quiet. HoFS and I are apart this weekend. He'll be here next weekend. I've been thinking about what to say about my weekend with him. It's been a long time since I had someone I wanted to brag about to the world, and it's hard not to brag too much. There are details you don't want to share, you know? Of course you do.

This weekend was my birthday celebration (the birthday itself is on Tuesday) and my cousin came down from Manhattan to celebrate with me. We had birthday lunch yesterday, my brothers and my cousin and my daughter and a couple of friends from here. It was very nice. The best part was the corn chowder. I made it with turkey bacon instead of ham. Good stuff.

A friend brought store-bought cake. It's okay but nothing to write home about.

And really, the best part is spending time with people I love.

That goes back to HoFS, of course. He's a major source of time spent with someone I love right now. We talk on the phone for a couple of hours every night, even when we're so tired that it's really unwise to stay awake.

And when we're together, well... there are significant parts of last weekend that I had to reconstruct from fragmentary bits of almost incoherent memories. In some places, there is little but a hazy memory of incredible happiness. Drunk with love, indeed.

You asked about the boys. I met all three. They're good solid sorts, and I like them. The oldest is determined not to like me and I engaged him on his level briefly. I'm not proud of that. The middle one couldn't help but smile when he met me. He's trying hard to at least disengage and pretend not to care. The youngest seems less prone to outward expressions of dislike, and is young enough to interact like a kid rather than a young man.

I also saw, from a distance, their mom. It was very sad -- she radiates sadness. I know how her sadness was created, and I know her part in it. I still feel it with her and wish there were some way to comfort it. I really hope she finds happiness.

HoFS has a lovely home. A to-die-for screened in porch that looks out over fields and forest and off into the green distance. Morning glories growing all over outside, other flowers and green-and-growing things. Herbs that he can mow and smell the good scents. A back pasture and a front pasture and corn fields next door. A house designed for laughter and people.

We saw some of the things in his world. Places he shops and the high school football stadium (yes, we went to a game) and the place where he plays mini-golf with his kids (we played a game there).

He bought me an ice cream cone in a little dry-goods/grocery store. He made me a picnic one night and bought me dinner the next night, peanut butter cookies for a snack and biscuits and banana bread for breakfast (yes, he's a good cook!). We cooked together -- scrambled eggs and other things.

And most of what we did was none of these things. Most of it was the things that two people do when they're in love and can't help but falling into each other's eyes when they look at each other.

And ... I was discovering that I felt more at home there than I had expected to. A great deal more than I'd expected to, in fact. It's been tough, in a good and scary way, facing the depth of how I feel about this. There are times when we both say that there's no way this can be real.

All too soon, I was back at the airport being kissed by a man I love. And whispering, "I don't want to leave this place." When I walked up to the security agent, she asked me about the rubber bracelet I was wearing. "It's a Marriage Fidelity Day bracelet," I said.

Suddenly her carefully neutral (disapproving) expression broke into a surprised smile as she looked from me to HoFS and back again. Suddenly we weren't two people annoying her with an inappropriate display of affection in public. We were, she thought, that rarest of things. A married couple who's still in love.

I just looked back at him and grinned. He had no idea what we were saying about him until afterwards, so he just smiled and waved.

Then I walked away, and when I turned to look again, he'd gone toward his car and I couldn't see him anymore. I flew home, and back to this world of mine that I love and which is so far from his. Since then, we've had a couple of hard times. I've made some mistakes that hurt him. And we've worked it through and had a lot of really good times.

So.

I love him.

I don't think I can get out of that; don't think I want to.

I'm trying to take things slowly. Slow is better than fast. It's good that we're six hours away from each other, or it wouldn't be slow at all.

Gray,
I love that quote, it is SO TRUE.

It is part of the reason I say some of the things I say. Battles can be so tireing, and so rough to win.

Loosing is worse.

J,
I'm reading, thinking if I need to say anything or if I have anything to say.

I don't know if you need anyting these days.

Been thinking of Penny since she wrote - Much I want to say, but that is a different world, and I need to be really careful what I say, and how I say it. Not because of her - you know what I mean.

I have gone to the thread and sat at the keyboard not a few times, but the words won't come as I wish them to come.

I should just say "HI" but that is not what I usually do.

Well,
I am happy for you.

Just so you know, I have been married 28 years, and we are as in love as two can be. (MY opinion.)

We still make mistakes and hurt each other - we are so human. That doesn't make us wish we had never married, it makes us vow to do better.

You and HoFS should think on that - and smile.

SS

I'm very happy for you, J. Honest. For real. Thinking about it makes me feel less crappy.

About the "you must be alone after a D until you're 'happy' and then you're ready to have someone in your life" business...

I don't know what that means.

I like having a woman in my life. Not having one gets me down. That won't ever change.

I think that law might make more sense for people with children.

I am not up late because I'm crazy. I'm up late because I'm working. Tomorrow is an important day at the lab. Bye.

GC

Hey everyone! Back from my church retreat weekend. Ups and downs but mostly a glorious uplifting weekend in the hills of Hollywood. So close to the city yet so far away you forget where you are. Got to sit around a campfire Sat. evening laughing, joking, doing skits and singing. What great fun and I was high on it all when we got home yesterday. My kids had fun and yes even my H had a good time despite himself!

Hi FF, glad you had a great weekend. and i don't mean to bring you down... but how do you do it?? how do you have the divorce so close to final but still live like a happily married couple??

i'm really neg at this point FF, i hope i am not being disrespectful. i don't mean to be. i just don't get it. i am not on the path of divorce and yet i am way more neg than you. are you in major denial? and/or am i way too negative?

Hey FL! You cannot insult me and you are not disrespectful to ask. In some ways, I may be in denial but I don't think so at this point. My WH and I for the most part have a really good relationship these days. Before my last dday we had found a real connection and he really fell back in love with me. Why while being still active in his A? Not sure except after 18 months OW's appeal is really just OC I think. I love him and he loves me, I just can't live with him continually disrespecting me by lying and seeing OW/OC behind my back. I am working on healing personally and as I do so I have been able in many ways to detach. We are still so close in so many ways and we work well together when we are not fighting. All very confusing, I know and yes it does bring more pain to me in a lot of ways because I do love him so. Does that answer you or did I confuse you more?

sorry FF, it still confuses me but more importantly i fear it confuses your kids...

the bottomline is, if he is not willing to be a faithful and honest H, what good is his love. KWIM?

I KWYM. That is why I have DD in IC. For me? Not sure, just working through my own healing and still holding on to an inkling of hope that he will right himself. He has soooo much potential but I cannot change him, he has to want to change himself.

Hey y'all.

FF, glad your weekend was all you had hoped. Is DS's breathing better, after the campfire? I think I know where FLT2M is coming from; your situation is just so unique it is difficult to comprehend. But in a weird way it makes sense to me. . . your understanding of it does, anyhow. I think you are just dealing with it with unbelievable class and dignity.

Gray, I think that rule *was* made for people with kids -- and for people who don't know themselves as well as you do and are prone to using the people they date as a crutch instead of truly healing themselves. To me it seems like a case-by-case understanding.

FL, where the heck you been, girl? What's going on with you?

SS, pictures, photos. . . something? Sil vous plait?

I'm doing okay, hanging in there, actually talking to Ti again. For a while there, my anger at him consumed me and I was spoiling for a fight, so I ignored him when I could. That whole "Failure To Protect" thing had me bitter and hard. Still does. I'm a cheap and agreeable wife, don't ask for much at all, so I don't entirely understand why we are in the mess we are in.

Ti's made some strides (again) but at this point I am going to sit back and watch. This week/w-end, I realized how empowering it is "turn myself off" to him and make plans on fixing my future, myself, without him. It was a heady feeling, to say the least. He couldn't touch me or disappoint me anymore. It was frightening and intoxicating in its strength, and a death knell to any future for us if I can't demolish those walls. But I've erected them and there they are. Perhaps I should invest in an industrial-grade drill and make some peep-holes.

Time will tell. I've put a date on it, though. . . this will not be interminable.

A dear friend of mine is going back to Minnesota to train horses for a few weeks/months in the near future. He lived there for 6 years in the past and has absolutely raved about the place all these years hence. He's invited myself and a few other friends (safety in numbers) to go up there and stay with him (Lester Prarie / Waconia) a few days to get settled in, to introduce us to a few of his friends, associates, etc. It's a wonderful offer because some of these people are world-renowned in the horse arena, and meeting them would be somewhat of an honor. Also, I'm considering taking that offer up especially if it's snowing (I've never seen snow more than 3 or 4 scanty inches) and if my close girlfriend (a mutual friend to us both) comes. We'll have to see what happens, and when. He wanted to make it up for the MAHB's Fall Festival, but that was last week, so now his decision is open-ended.

I know a few of you guys live up there; maybe if I end up riding along we can all get together for lunch or something? Or to watch Gray play; that'd be great. It'd be fantastic to meet whomever had the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Guess we'll see.

Got to make some progress today!


slh

i was figuring that is part of it too. i sure would love to see that happen too FF.

hi slh, sometimes i just sit and don't talk much!! can't even tell i'm here that way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, c'mon out and tell us how you've been. What have I missed?

slh

I couldn't help myself; I like it too much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hope you don't mind me borrowing it, Gray. I need all the reminders I can get some days.


slh

Golly, SLH. Some of my colleagues here live in Waconia. It's just down the road from the office, about ten miles away.

GC

Oooh, SLH if you get to meet GC the rest of us that haven't will be green with envy, same goes for you GC I wanna meet SLH IRL! Wah!

FL, glad you understood that bit. I think depending on my mood I come across a little scary to you. I just came off the high of an incredible weekend personally and spiritually so it shows in my posts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Now where is SS to see my REAL smile??

It's a beautiful smile, but then, we knew it would be.

Faithful, so happy you have reason to smile. God is good, isn't he.

How come there is so much work to do, I could do a lot more posts if I didn't have to work.

AD, you are doing better at staying off durning work. I commend you.

SLH,
OK, I have been thinking about it. You are very polite to say please. Took me a while though, my french is terrible.
(Grin)

Gray,
I don't have a thing for you today. I would really like to know what your new wiz bang thing for work is, I am not nearly as smart as you (in your field or course) but it is interersting to me.

Got mail from 2long. He is still alive, and well. He didn't say HI, but I'll take poetic license and say Hi from him anyway. He would have if he had not been thinking about something else at the thme.
HI !


SS

My thoughts on this...

You need time to grieve what was lost.

You need time to reflect on the part you played in the failure of the relationship, and to make the changes necessary so that the mistakes don't repeat in your next R.

You need time to find your center again, and who you are now and who you want to be, and what kind of relationship/person you want in the future.

Or you can skip all of the above and do a rebound, and lots do.

I think you are going the right route, and as AD once told me the only way through this is the right way. There are no short cuts which lead to where you would ultimately want to be...

whole and healed, with something to offer another.

You must be happy within yourself to attract another who is happy within themselves and to share/enhance each others happiness.

And when one has suffered infidelity, there is a whole lot of healing to do.

Weaver, I think you said that well. After watching people here for more than three years, I agree with you.

I agree with Gray too, I like having a women in my life. Gray, are we just wimps? These Girls seem so self assured.

SS