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#12038 09/18/99 04:44 PM
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For those of you following my situation, the postponed "seek & find" mission took place last night. My nursing buddies & I went to Houston to find H's work. We planned to follow him & find out where he's really living during the 6 days he's in Houston AND find out how he'd spend his Friday night.<BR>We couldn't find his truck in several of the parking lots. Not wanting the "mission" to be a failure, I came up with an idea. I paged H and put in the phone number of my friend's cellphone. When he called the number, my friend(incognito)would act like she had dialed his pager by mistake and try initiate a conversation, just to see what he would do. WELL. My H called almost immediately from his cellphone. When the phone rang, my friend said,"Hey, where are you?", as if she thought she was talking to someone she knew. My H told her he was driving on Richmond. As if she had realized she had the wrong guy, she said,"Who is this? Ohhh, I must have dialed the wrong pager..blah, blah, blah." She had NO difficulty getting my H talking. He asked her where she was from, what she looked like, etc. I was dying the whole time. She asked him where was a good place to party in Houston. He told her Surfside Sally's and said he'd be there later! He asked her what she'd be wearing, told her what he would be wearing, told her he'd be in a green blazer.(H drives a little beat-up pickup) He said he wasn't sure what time because his roommates were "lounging". (H isn't supposed to have even ONE ROOMMATE) She asked how many roommates he had, he said,"three". She said something like,"I bet you guys have alot of fun". (My friend could hear other guys in the background) He played right into her hand and took the bait, hook, line and sinker. When he asked her what she looked like. She told him she had green eyes and red hair. He asked her,"Are you a fiery redhead?". I was furious because our daughter has red hair. Of course he didn't mention that! After all, he had already told "Ginger" aka my friend, that he was single and had just got rid of a clingy girlfriend! Anyway, he said he'd call her back when he found out what time he could be at Surfside Sally's. When he called her back a few minutes later, he said it would be 9:30 or 10:00. I wanted to be at the club and confront his sorry lying @ss; but, one of my friends had to work today and needed to get back home. That was just too late since she had a 3 hour drive.<BR>I just couldn't let H get away with it. Listening to my friend talk to my H and him going along with it made me SICK! <BR>On the way home, I paged my H with my cellphone number. H had thought I was out with my friends for dinner & a movie. When he called me back, it was ALL I could do to contain my anger. I told him I was on my way home. He said, "you didn't stay out very late". I said that we were tired from studying the night before. (We had an all night study session Thurs night for our first exam of this semester Fri morn.) I suggested that he meet me @ Deerbrook mall, in Humble, to go see a movie,"since the kids are spending the night with my Mom". H told me he was tired and was going to go to sleep! He said he had to get up early. I said,"I think there's a show at 9:30 or 10:00". He said he could meet me tomorrow night but not tonight. I said,"Oh that's right, you've got to meet Ginger". I wish I could have seen my H's face at that very moment! He paused and then said,"Ginger?" I said,"Yea, you know Ginger, the fiery f***ing redhead!". Knowing he was caught, he said,"Which one of your friends was that?" and I preceded to give him the worst cussing I've ever given anyone in my life. I called him every name in the book and yelled so much my throat hurt after. My poor friends in the Jeep needed earplugs and couldn't believe H didn't hang up on me after the first,"you're a sorry m*****f*****". <BR>To make this long story short, it's over. I am seeing a lawyer Monday morning and missing lecture to do it. H keeps calling, crying a little and trying to convince me the conversation he had with "Ginger" was a joke. H says he and his buddies were joking she was probably a fat skank and were just playing her. Yea Riiiight. I am POSITIVE, he was planning on meeting "Ginger". He has let me down for the last time. It's going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do to divorce him, right up there with leaving my precious Dad in the cemetery 6 years ago.<BR>My Dad didn't have a choice. My H did and I will never understand why he didn't choose his family. I have done everything in my power to make this work. I'm spent.<BR>Kyra <BR>P.S. At one point in H's conversation with "Ginger", he jokingly said,"you know all men are dogs". All I have to say is,"It takes one to know one". <BR>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Kyra (edited September 18, 1999).]

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He's BUSTED... that's what you needed to know! Now you do know, but god, how painful that must have been to hear.<P>I have to say, I nearly laughed out loud at your impromptu plan, and I couldn't believe that it WORKED. He's a player for sure. <BR>How awful. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. <P>Best wishes as you go forward in your life...

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Kyra<BR>I've been wondering how you were doing. <BR>Are you Okay?<BR>That must have been really tough for you. But now that you know what's up stick to your guns. You have to do what's right for you.<BR>Eventually they run out of chances.<BR>I was reading "Private Lies" today and there is a quote that seems to apply to your H. Maybe mine too.<BR>"People risk everything on the hope that they can achieve joy by changing everything in their lives except themselves."<BR>If these guys would just take a good look in the mirror and see what is wrong there then they might have a chance of being happy and giving happiness to others.<P>Take care girl. You know where I am.<P>

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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kyra}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P> I am so sorry he proved yet again to be unreliable. <BR> Please take this week-end to really be sure this is what you want to do. I am not saying it's the wrong decision, only be sure, I hate to see this happen to you Kyra.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

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well, at least you have some closure. hang in there, you'll do just fine. (clever plan, by the way [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )

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And if I were you, I'd stomp the cell phone to death.....<P>But really, Kyra. That little meeting with "Ginger" should tell you something. He's not attached to a potential OW in Houston.<P>Gosh, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry he did this. <P>You must've been ready and really not surprised to find the outcome. You must've known what you were going to do if he played.<P>Were you ready for this? Are you in someway relieved?<P>Hope you are okay. It's gotta be hard.<P>{{{hugs}}}

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Hi everyone,<BR>I'm sitting here with swollen eyes and stuffed up nose. I just hung up the phone from crying to my Mom. It's been a very long & miserable 24 hours. As amazing as it sounds, I'm very hurt & disappointed. TNT, I wasn't as ready to find out "the truth" as I thought. I wasn't really prepared for this afterall. H has been adamant that he's "telling me the truth", he's "working" and being "faithful". I should have known he's been lying to me, just like always. I have been a fool and I wanted to believe in him more than I realized. I had joked so much with my friends/family about his "other life" that it wasn't real to me I guess.<BR>WS, right now I'm not very much OKAY. This hurts and I want it to go away. I want to put my head in the sand. I don't want to face the reality. I want to erase from my memory, my friend "Ginger" answering H's questions and him arranging to meet her.<BR>H called earlier and his attitude had changed from "being sorry" to "you threw me away last night". He's blaming ME. He said it was a joke(him talking to "Ginger") and I chose my friends over him, etc. He said many cruel things to me but not before I made a fool out of myself. My brother came over to talk to me at our Mom's house this afternoon. Mom and B said if I wasn't ready to divorce him, even after this, to ask him to come home on the weekends. This would mean him giving up xtra jobs which is his "play" money. His day job check is direct deposited into our acct., so these jobs finance his fun/entertainment. So tonight, I made the mistake and asked H to come home on Fridays after work and leave on Monday mornings and "we'd see what happens". I suggested I was willing to STILL YET work on our marriage. H said,"I'm through with you, all I want to know is when I can see my kids". I couldn't believe this was the same person I had spoken to who was "sorry" and "loved me" about 12 hours prior. I said something to H about his attitude change and he said,"I've had all night to think about it". H chose his single life over me and the kids when he rejected my reaching out. As tough as I acted like, thought I was, he has broken my heart yet again. I don't want a divorce; but, I want something I can't have with H. I told H that he had the power to fix this and he just didn't want to. <P> <BR>Thanks for "listening".<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Kyra (edited September 18, 1999).]

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Had all night to think about it......<P>Hmmmm.<P>Is that something like a husband and wife sitting calmly over lunch in a cafe, discussing and negotiating a divorce agreement, and thinking it was settled.... But after lunch her co-worker said she could get a better deal - so the deal was suddenly off?<P>Maybe H went back to his "roomates that are non=existent" and rethought the whole thing and decided that you were in the drivers seat, and that wasn't any good?<P>You can't bounce to opposite sides unless you don't know what the heck you want. You either do or you don't. But bouncing back and forth, means that you are somewhere in the middle - like maybe H wants the marriage to work, but also wants some time to play? <P>Or, that you want truth or a divorce - but what you really want is a husband you can trust and stay married?<P>Maybe if there was a way to really voice the truth, what you want, and if he could express what he wants, maybe there could be some sort of happy medium?<P>I dunno, I could be way off base... But you guys spend way too much time apart - and that isn't good in this marriage. Odviously.<BR>

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Kyra<BR>I'm so sorry. Your H is reacting right now.<BR>TNT is right. You guys spend way too much time apart. It is hard to figure anything out for either of you when you don't see each other.<BR>Let's look at the Ginger incident. He had his friends there. He was being macho. Do you think he would have reacted differently if he had been alone? I know my H has his macho image when with his friends and his normal being when alone.<BR>You have had a shock. So has he. They panic when caught in a lie or situation. Who knows what he will say next time.<BR>Try to calm down now and don't base your decisions on what he said one time. He is on the defensive. Take your time to think about this. Keep talking to your Mom. Is there someone who can be with you?<BR>Things seem so traumatic when you are alone.<BR>My prayers are with you!!!

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TNT, <BR>I really do want to be able to trust my H & stay married to him. H won't let me trust him. He lies and hides. <P>WS, <BR>Since I wasn't able to stay in Houston to see if H would actually show up to meet "Ginger", I will never know if he was really joking or not. My gut tells me he wasn't, whether he was showing off in front of the guys or not, he intended to meet another woman. <P>I can't forget how he called himself single, asked for her to describe herself etc. My Mom said when he realized he didn't know "Ginger", a "normal" H would have said,"I beg your pardon, I'm not sure I know you" and then he would have politely said goodbye & hung up. Mom also says he's humiliated himself and he's trying to blame me. I tend to agree. I'm not sure my run to Houston accomplished anything because that part of me that is desperate to trust and believe in H, wants to believe it was all a joke. I'm a annoyed my friend couldn't play it out to the end. If we had been waiting at Surfside Sally's and my H walked in, I couldn't have any doubts. I would have seen it with my own eyes & could have confronted him, my hand to his face. <BR>H said on the phone yesterday,"what did you & your friends do? Have a bet whether or not I would have shown up?" My brother said we gave him an "out" by not playing it to the end.<P>At this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'm thinking of initiating Plan B. It's apparent we're not going to accomplish anything via telephone & I don't want to see him right now. I have a few weeks of Pedi rotation to concentrate on and then we're switching to Maternal/Newborn. I need to get my head back on straight. When my Mom first heard of our plan to trail H, she didn't understand why I'd put myself through that in the middle of school. Now I'm not sure why I did either! My friends pushed me into it a little, by reminding me of health issues if H was cheating. I still don't know whether he is or would have. All I do know is, I'm torn up & my marriage is probably over. <BR><P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>

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Kyra,<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>I don't have a lot of time right now, but I am thinking about you!<BR>Email me ('puter crashed & I lost your addy), and I will write back..... I need to talk to you about something when you are up to it.<P>My thoughs & prayers are with you<BR>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

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hello kyra, i think your mom has a valid point. She sounds very wise. He is humiliated and now it has gone into anger. Can you just not talk to him for a few days and see how you feel then? Give yourself time to digest all this. <BR>I believe it is now safe to assume that your suspiscions were correct and he does lead 2 lives. Canthe two of you get a counselor in your area to see you on saturdays? Or can you do phone counseling with Harley?

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I don't think that because he got "caught" - that means your marriage is over. I think it means that you know what you are up against, which is way better than going about this blindly. Before, you knew something was wrong in the marriage. Now you know WHAT is wrong. It is a step towards resolving this, in my opinion.<P>Okay, I think it is safe to assume these are the things that are wrong:<P>1) Too much unaccountable time away from the marriage.<P>2) Friends that aren't supportive of the marriage (roomates).<P>3) Honesty. <P>4) Communication: Blaming and Punishing<P>5) Pride<P>6) Wondering eyes<P>Okay, I think a specific plan could help resolve all of these issues. For instance, a commitment to accountable time. Job change? You move near his job? No weekend work? <P>Dump friends any and all that aren't supportive of marriage. <P>A commitment to full honesty. It can be done, but this is probably the hardest one to make happen.<P>Bad communication skills are learned, can be unlearned - and good communication skills can take it's place.<P>Honesty in your heart, can remove the pride. <P>Wondering eyes can be satisfied if you each meet each other's emotional needs.<P>Kyra, this doesn't have to mean it is over. If he thinks it is over - well, he's not giving the marriage enough credit - and he's not giving enough time to settle before making a fast judgement.<P>

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Kyra,<BR> (((((((((((((((BIG HUG))))))))))))))))))<P>I do so think TNT is so right as well as wasstubborn, they seem to know the situation and seem to be there for you, isn't it great that we all have this support from each other? Maybe your husband and his "Macho" friends don't understand that kind of support to do the "right" thing and maybe he's reacting, as TNT pointed out, to the friends he's around. Either way, you have to realize what a beautiful and confident person you are and that you will survive this either way that you go, you just won't be pretending to not know so much this time around. I think your right, this isn't a marriage if your spending this much time apart and it's time both of you spent more time together. Either way I am praying for you, hope all goes well!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<BR>

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kyra<BR>i know how your hubby feels, i faced a simialr situation. i posted on sept. 13. "affair finally over now what". first your hubby deserves for you to be angry, and i hope you give him more. tahts good for you to vent anger to him. i wish my wife would call me and vent more to me. i spoke with her for the first time in 3 weeks last friday night, it was for only a moment, but she called 3-4 times since, short calls and hang ups, but its a start.<BR>anyway. sure's hes sorry, sorry he got caught. now he can admit that he has a problem and God gives us a choice to either cfontinue on our path of self destruction, or do something about it. the choice will be his. dont do the divorce thing now, its ok to see atty, and set things in motion, but what he needs is counseling alone and then with you. give him an ultimatum! we as men hate it but if we are sincere, then we will do whatever it takes to keep the marriage together and try. keep venting your anger to him, let him know how pissed off you are, keep using the vulgar talk to him, that has a way of making the point. after each talk wiuth him, get on your knees and pray to God for guidance and strength...remember God will not allow us to go thru anymore than we can handle. i'll pray for you if you dont mind a guy like me praying for you. i'll be watching and praying. a good book for both you and him is the relationship toolbox by robert abel. get it and read it and read it again...it does wonders

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Update:<P>First of all to Toolbox, of course I won't mind you praying for me...thank you!<P>Today H met me & our son at son's dr. appt.<BR>He was oogle eyeing me and said,"Damn you look good". I was like,"what's the deal?"<BR>I asked him,"What game are you playing?" His response while grinning like a [censored],"I can't help I'm still attracted to you". He showed up dressed nice, fresh haircut and reeking of Cool Water cologne. He tried to hold my hand(I let him briefly...ok I'm weak) but still nothing from him about doing his part to save our marriage. He's stubborn for one. He also said,"Hey, I know that when people separate & are getting divorced they see other people...well, we're still married and I want you to remember that" Then he said,"I don't want you to go out on me, that's the last thing on my mind(yea right I say) and I expect the same from you". I joked and said,"well it's not like I have a date for this weekend". I think he's uncertain whether or not he wants to give up his "single life" or have me; but, he certainly doesn't want anyone else to have me. Is that a good sign? I don't want to get my hopes up. I've been let down so many times. I've made the break and I may be better off in the long run if I don't let him crawl back. Actually I'm not even sure he will "crawl" back. I just wish I knew what he was thinking...but he's not telling.<BR>Ideas anyone?<P>WS,(last but certainly not least)<BR>I just got your message. I have to hit the books tonight so I'm short on time. Thanks for your continued support and DON'T WORRY...right now I'm numb so I'm not hurting like I was this weekend. I'll be in touch. <P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>

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Kyra, am glad you didn't see an attorney on Monday. <P>Will he agree to counseling? What about the time issue? <P>Is he saying he wants to take a break from the marriage, but to remember that you are still married?<P>??? I guess I am more confused than you!

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Kyra<BR>These are good signs. He still needs to get his head put back on properly. Don't let him confuse you but no lovebusters.<BR>Just try to be as calm as possible. Figure out what you want and let him know what that is. The next step is his.<BR>I know you can do this!!!!!<BR>Thanks for the update. I was worried.

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Kyra,<P>Glad to hear you are seeing some signs of "life" from your H. If you get some time, check out my thread "Hope, confussion, tears, Hope".... I'm going through a similar situation. Also, if you have some time, send me a quick email so I have you addy again.<P>My thoughts & prayers are still with you always!<BR>B<P>labutterfly68@hotmail.com<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>


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