Unfortunately this is what is happening to a friend of mine. She found out her H was having an A. He then blamed it all on her, saying he "had" to have an A because she wasn't good for him, all the foggy stuff of a man still deep in an A.

Not long after d-day her H was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He went in complete denial of that too. Recently, on my friend's birthday (50th), he got into his car in the morning and drove off to OW, returning a few days later. He was so sick at that point he had to go to hospital immediately. He is still there now and all treatments have been stopped because the cancer has spread to far.

OW (who lives 500 miles away) drove over in the weekend to visit him in the hospital. The H told my friend OW was coming and she called OW on her cell phone, only to find out H had been telling OW all sorts of lies too - that they were having a D, that she hardly ever came home etc etc., really the poor old me foggy tale.

My question is: there is little time left. This WH has treated his W terribly, not just with the A, but by blaming everthing on her. He basically destroyed her self-esteem. What should she do during these last moments? What should they talk about to help them deal with all this? They have an 8-year old son who doesn't know about the A but has to be told that his father is dying.

Any experience or suggestions would be helpful.

Whoo Hoo thats a stinker.

I will only advise from that which I know. your friend and her son will have to live a LONG time with the legacy of their behaviour with WH. He will not.

They should stay close, be honest, not shirking the hostility between them but offering opportunities for reconciliation and forgiveness.

In this way your friend will always be able to move on feeling no guilt or personally derived regret.

Gentle but honest. Regarding the SS, well he knows all wasn't great between Mom & Dad right ? Maybe just expressions of love for him from WH and BS are best.

Again - she should behave in a way that she will nor regret for the rest of her life.

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 09:15 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Very well put, Bob. I agree...she'll have to live with how she handles this for a long time.

IMO, she should treat her dying H with respect and compassion. It's likely not the easy or "fair" thing to do...but I think it's the right thing to do.

What a sad situation. A little boy is about to lose his dad. Yep, compassion is in order.

Lori

Thanks for your replies, Bob and Atpeace.
I guess this is a terrible task for her - it's all so recent and he has been really hurtful to her, not just by having the A but by blaming it all on her.

I'm seeing her again on Friday and ask her how she feels about the advice you both gave.

BH, please do not misunderstand me - your friend should not lie to her WH. Accentuate the positive, but do not lie. She must live with her behaviour for the rest of her life, if that was ME, I would not want my last interaction with this person to be dishonest OR hurtful. Her words will be the ones he takes to eternity. Her words might help convict him before God and lead to his salvation, they could lead to convicting his own mortal heart so that he is made aware through the fog of the viciousness of his actions. He DESERVES and NEEDS honesty at this time, compassionately and caringly delivered. Your friend must be prepared for hurtful foggy responses from him even now.

Its a hard ask, but one I have had to undertake. Thats why I can advise so certainly.

I pray your friend will be guided by God and the love of her son to deliver the words and actions God needs in WSs life as he makes his final walk. Also that she be proud of her actions in this painful situation for the rest of her life.

God will make her strong, BH. I have seen it happen.

{{{BH's friend }}}

I will suggest your friend express her sorrow in the pre-A state of the M. Own up to the part she was accountable for. Ask for forgiveness.

I'm guessing after he passes, she will be very regretful that he had an A, and she might feel responsible because of her behavior that contributed to the state of their M.

If she openly asks for forgiveness, maybe he will be inclined as well, and a heartfelt apology from him would be worth so much to her, I'm sure.

Praying for your friend.

KY

Thanks Bob and Kyellow.
I'll talk to my friend.
I just hope there is still time - her H's situation is getting worse quickly.

My friend agrees the best thing she can do right now is being the best person she can be. The very fact that there is no chance that he'll hurt her again if she opens up to him now, if she lowers her defences, makes it possible for her to let down her guard. Something she couldn't do if he were to be healthy and they would be in post-A recovery.

I warned her not to be too shocked if he would still say something stupid or hurtful. Some people come to their senses when they have to face the reality of dying, some don't, there's no telling what will happen to her H.

From what she tells me the big problem in their M was that he was away a lot on business trips, having fun with friends in hotels etc. There were more lies re. money, maybe some ONS. She didn't like it but accepted it, but this last A was more "serious".

I told her some people just have this "hole" in their soul that they desperately try to fill. She could relate to that and I think it made it easier for her to understand and forgive him realising he was such a person, a people pleaser, always trying to get the affirmation and admiration he so deeply craved.

Can she go to ow, tell her that he's dying, and ask her to bow out for sake of the child? She may not know he's dying and a talk with the doctor can clear that up.

If he's in denial, I'm sure he's telling her that he will be well soon because he believes it. My stbx's uncle was in denial right up to the end..but then the whole family were many bricks short of a load.

Unless she's the same woman my stbx was involved with and has no soul, surely she could see that she needs to get out because of this boy. I don't know how she could live with herself if she stays there and interferes.

When my father died of cancer, his last conversation with me was horrible. He said things to me that were so out of his character and cruel. My counselor was of little help when I tried to sort the whole thing out, but a doctor told me that people with rates of cancer (3&4's) that my father had, very possibly have cancer in their brain as well. It changes their personality and thinking. Please share that with your friend.

My heart goes out to her and her son. Our prayers are all that we can offer and they have mine.

Dear jph, thanks for answering.
My friend did phone OW only to find out she had been told a lot of lies, too. OW drove over in the weekend to visit the H in hospital, I don't know if she thinks he will recover but I don't think so. He has been moved to a ward where there are only terminally ill people so there is little to be denied.
I think this must be very hard on OW too, who thought this man was getting divorced and hardly ever saw his W.. But as she lives so far away I don't think she'll be a problem.

Very painful situation for all involved. My friend is very tired, can't sleep very much. I remember my own sleepless nights or waking up at 3 or 4 o'clock with thoughts spinning through my head... She just has so much to deal with here.. I did tell her she should treat herself to a vacation when all this is over..

Just wanted to let you know my friend's H died yesterday evening.

I am so sorry! Hope your friend will find some peace.

I'm so sorry ... such a tragic situation, all around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I, too, hope you friend finds peace through all this. Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Lori

Thanks, ThreeReich and AtPeace.
I guess she has so much to deal with emotionally right now, the loss, the betrayal, the anger, the sadness, all at once.
I'm replacing her at work so she has some time to sort things out - I hope she manages to finally get some sleep now...