I was involved in a LTEA for years.My H and I are still together and trying to work thru all of this stuff. It hurts to discuss the details of my A with him and I don't know how to begin and break thru the ice.I understand he wants to know how it started and why it lasted so long and why I did it. I am not even sure I understand fully myself.I feel clammed up and I don't want to be.I want to disclose everything but I have built walls to keep the hurt out and to keep from hurting him.But this hurts us both more.I traveled down the wrong road a long time and never want to go that route again.I'm afraid of hurting him and causing more pain to the man I have been married to and loved for years.I have hit a road block and can't break thru to the other side. The side that will continue our healing.He has come to this sight many times and seems to get support, love and good advice.I need advice from someone who has been where I am now.I humbly ask for help on how to move forward to save my marriage.I do so love him and feel he is loosing hope.

First welcome to MB.

Start slow. This is gonna hurt both of you and it would be helpful to have a counselor or pastor involved with you. I know anonymity is one of the perks here but does your H still post?

God Bless

Doug

Imar...

in reality all people feel as you do...

really what you are talking about is the fear of something new...

the secrets and life you built up to maintain your emotional affair...have become you so to speak...

that you engaged your brain so effectively in seperating and creating these two seperate worlds...that it feels as if the chasm is too great to ever cross...

but the key lays in crossing it little by little...

learning to speak is what it is..

learning to speak your fears
learning to speak your pain
learning to speak your truths...

for what you have done up till now is learned not to do these things...
very long based on a long term ea.....

sometimes infact the affair is over...long before the actions of the affair catch up to that fact...

so lets do the basics..

how long was long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

when did you go no contact and is that complete...

was/is the OM married and if so does his spouse know of you?

the gift of learning to really speak your love and innerself...is a worthy pursuit...

it is and can be uncomfortable in learning....
but it can be done...

ARK

We have our second councelling session today and I am looking forward to it. Oh yes my husband is at this sight frequently. He seems to get so much from here and shares responses and some advice with me. He is the one that suggested I post for help. I am not as open as he is with our problems. I still have alot of pain, shame and quilt and am having alot of trouble with low self asteem a major problem is I don't have anyone I can talk to about my past.

ARK
The basics are:
EA was 14 years. DD was 12/03 and Yes only contact was with spouse to say its done and over with firm instructions to never to call or contact me again. And I have had no contact at all. I have passed him once and it was a chance passing in our vehicles. My H thinks OM will try to contact me soon.
OM is married 4 kids. Yes his wife knew of me- he told her we were friends. I also spoke with her--I confessed, apologized and asked for her forgiveness for having EA with her H and she laughed said I was crazy and didn't believe me. To this day I feel she still feels thinks nothing happened. I have faith that things can be worked out and worked thru with my H. But he is so sad & hurt by my A its killing me. Whats the next step? I feel so bad.

ARK

EA 14 years
DD 12/03
NO contact since then. Only conversation on phone with H present to say firmly do no contact me or attempt to see me ever again. I am happy to say there has been none although H thinks OM will try to contact me. I did see he once in vehicle in passing.
OM is married w/4kids. I also spoke to W to apologize and ask for forgiveness for EA and she laughed and said I was crazy. She knew we were friends and thats all. To this day I feel she still thinks OM & I were just friends. I do have faith H and I can work towards a new M its just so painful and he hurts so bad. I just don't know how let him how much I love him.

ARK

EA 14 years
DD 12/03
NO contact since then. Only conversation on phone with H present to say firmly do no contact me or attempt to see me ever again. I am happy to say there has been none although H thinks OM will try to contact me. I did see he once in vehicle in passing.
OM is married w/4kids. I also spoke to W to apologize and ask for forgiveness for EA and she laughed and said I was crazy. She knew we were friends and thats all. To this day I feel she still thinks OM & I were just friends. I do have faith H and I can work towards a new M its just so painful and he hurts so bad. I just don't know how let him how much I love him.

egads...fourteen years.....

that's a long time to live clammed up....
live two lives...

you probably have really fine tuned your brain to create emotional and intimate walls and barriers...

good news is that everyone can change...
and change comes through actions....

you need to learn how to open up
you need to learn a new way to communicate your love, your fears, your thoughts...

so you start by doing...
and you start by knowing that sometimes the information will be received...

better than you thought
worse than you thought
totally misunderstood
totally understood...

and you just keep going...
sometimes even inspite of not getting the desired response you want....

crawl inside your husband and quietly learn to feel the beat of his heart...

imagine that he believes fourteen years of his life were a lie
that for fouteen years he now feels he loved a stranger
learn to listen to his pain...

hold him
cry with him

so you make a list each days with 3-5 things that would be difficult to tell him
or are important to tell him
or that you want him to know about you...

and you pick one....
and you pick a time when you and he can talk...
and you speak your peace...

you make it safe for him to hear you
you make it safe for him to respond to you...

you learn to speak the stuff that has real value and meaning....

do you tell your husband what it is you admire about him
do you tell your husband the things that you are proud of
do you tell him what it is about him that you believe makes him a good man....
do you tell him what you are afraid of...

learn to listen to him
listen to what he wants from you...and give him a piece of what he asks..and give him peace..

listen listen listen...then open mouth and move lips... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

each time it will get easier and easier...

ARK

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't have anyone I can talk to about my past.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Welcome to MB, we are here to talk to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am a FWW. I'm in a healthy R with my darling H.

May I suggest you write stuff down. Write your H a letter, and he you, then discuss them, or just read them silently and answer the others letter. Would that be easier for you???

Start a journal, write a therapeutic letter, (poor your soul out to whoever you must about whatever and then toss it)

Sounds like you have a fear of confrontation which makes you unable to communicate with your H. (I'm guessing this because that is how I was.)

Tell him your fear first. I'm afraid you will get mad if I disclose this, I'm afraid it will push you to leave me, I'm afraid you will hate me.

He is there, he is loving you unconditionally, don't be afraid of his love. Let him embrace you, trust him, disclose what he needs to hear.


{{{{lmar}}}}
KY