Ok, things ARE much better now then they were just two short months ago. Our house- and kids- are much less stressed, and we haven't had any yelling/screaming/banging arguments in all of that time (a record for us- seriously, we haven't ever gone this long without having a knock down drag out fight in our 17 years together).

I still feel intimacy missing, however. I know that we are still not coming close to the "15 hours a week" recommended. But, I am at a loss as to HOW to get that time? We have three kids at home, I work full time, and H has begun working at his cousin's bar Thurs/Fri/Sat nights to give him some sanity- and time out of the house. This leaves very little time for us to have a conversation, never mind a date. I know that we need to TRY to schedulre more time together...do you have any suggestions as to how to do that? And is there anything else I could be doing to help?

I know, I know. I'm impatient. A relationship of 17 years doesn't get completely fixed in 2 months.
But any pointers you have might be helpful.

Sadfww please don't take the following the wrong way because it is meant to help you with this problem. Have you noticed how when two people are involved in an affair they always seem to find the time to be together? Why not approach this time dilema with your H as though the two of you were having an affair with each other? I know this sounds weird and I apologize if it offends you but it just might work, what do you think?

Sad,

I really like Coffeeman's idea. I think you and your H need to plan to have an "affair" it will require sneaking away from the jobs, the kids, and squeezing every available moment into this effort. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The good news is that you two don't even have to fool a spouse. So you can get the best of an affair, and the best of marriage WITHOUT the residual damage. I like the concept Coffeeman.

So give this thought, how to do it? Well, I think a good old fashioned POJA would work don't you? It is what happens in an affair, that the two decide and agree on a time and place to meet to "talk", perhaps dance or eat, and maybe "more". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was going to simply recommend that you talk with your H and POJA some time together. But, Coffeeman's idea offers a bit of zing to the thinking don't you think? In reality, it is exactly the sort of thinking a MARRIED couple should be doing. I have a feeling he might just buy into the idea of meeting you somewhere or a "nooner" or something.

You have actually set the stage you know. That was the idea. As you learn to get along without arguing, and the pressure level decreases, then other things start to seem attractive and you are giving voice to the fact that you are enjoying being around your H now. I suspect he is enjoying being around you as well.

Further, you might be able to convince him to lose a night or two working because you have a better idea about unwinding and yes it does involve a baby sitter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Talk to the man Sad. Tell him you want him and you like being with him. It is the truth right? I think as you do this it will cross his brain that being with you is not a "bad" idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It is simple, but it is not easy.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Coffeeman, I do like your thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you JL I am honored that you found my suggestion to sadfww a good one.

Sadfww please consider what I said in my previous post. I hope that the idea of having an 'affair' with your H doesn't cause you to be ill because the point of this is to bring back the lovers you were to each other but may have burried because of all the mundane things in your lives. It's time that you and your H stop being glorified baby sitters.

when i was in college, long before i was on the path to marriage i was having a conversation with someone about marriage. that person felt marriage was not a good idea, it would get old, it would be impossible to stay faithful. i boldly stated my plan. i was going to have an affair WITH my husband. i was, of course, laughed at.

I also remember a converstaion with OM once when he and i planned a special afternoon get-away, how he talked about the same thing. and how he planned on making sure that when he married he would do this sort of thing with his wife once a month. i told him he better be sure to do that and not let the concept slip away or i would come back, haunt him in his dreams like one of the ghosts from scrooge and remind him to do it.

i think TMCM's idea is an excellent one.

JL, FL and TMCM,

Thank you- especially you, TMCM, for your ideas.
I think this could work- and it definitely sounds like fun.

The only problem I have is trying to get H to buy into it. I have not spoken ONE LITTLE BIT about the fact that I am reading here, trying to apply MB principles to our marriage etc. If I posed this to him as a "why don't we do X to spend more time together" - I CAN GUARANTEE that he will blow me off, or will be negative. So basically, if this is going to happen, I have to do it myself.

Thoughts?

couldn't you start by planning one outing instead of trying to convince him to buy into a concept?

Why not send him an anonymous [at first] message in which you state that you are a woman who has been observing him for quite some time, find him extremely attractive, and would like to meet him to get to know him a little better? Wait a couple of days and send him another similar message letting him know what you would do to him if you and him were alone with one another. You may even suggest that he wear something from his wardrobe that you particularly like and that he has worn to work. Chances are [if he can fog up a mirror <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ] that his curiosity will be at an all time high. In the meantime, try not to give yourself away and act like your normal self. Keep this up without revealing when and where the two of you will meet. The point is for you to make your H feel like he is a desired man who feels good about himself and translate that feeling of masculine wellbeing over to you [the woman who loves him]. Devious? you better beleive it but keep in mind that its for a very worthy cause. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

TMCM-

Ok, I like the plan. My hesitation is that I'm afraid that my H will think I am making light of my prior A's by doing this in this manner. What do you think?

FL- yes...definitely could. Baby steps right? I've emailed my nieces to see if they are available to baby-sit Sunday. Wish me luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My hesitation is that I'm afraid that my H will think I am making light of my prior A's by doing this in this manner. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i personally had the same thought. given that history, i would not do it in that way. do the notes and all, but just sign your name from the onset.

what are you planning for sunday??? fancy hotel with a hot tub or pool in it by any chance??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I love coffeman's suggestion. I think your husband might have a little jealousy going on that you had this exciting illicit affair and he didn't, that was something you had with someone that belonged to him. See?

When I was dating long distance with my DD's dad we used to send each other long letters via snail mail. Just long, intimate sometimes goofy, sometimes sexy letters. Then when we moved in together he worked nights in a band and I worked days. While he was at work I would write letters and leave on the table for him, and then he would do the same for me. So much gets lost when you don't see each other a lot, the little daily things that you could include in a letter. Sometimes I would set the alarm and surprise him when he came in...with me!

A marriage is a dance and should be fun and exciting, it should always be a romance. This is how great marriages become great.

This brings up something I read about a very high profile political woman who is married to the same type of man. Well they have a very succesful marriage and the roles of man and woman do not get confused because apparently at home she loses her professional persona and becomes the adoring wife to him. She serves him dinner and treats him like a king at home. He in turn is madly in love with her, still after all these years.

Marriage is a dance, and I just love coffeemans's idea.