Please tell me if I am crazy. Many of you have read my posts and helped me over the last month or so and know my story. However, tomorrow is the day I've been dreading for a while. Let me explain.

WW was in EA with an ex in her home state. We decided to work on the M and she has said NC with the OM. I have no proof of a final goodbye, but have been monitoring her cell phone and email and there has been nothing for over 3 weeks. We talked about a NC letter and she is deciding if she will send it. She admitted that OM had called her once since NC began. I told her I need to know about any contact, accidental or not. I told her I need her to be honest with me. I said that all contact must stop if our M will work. She is thinking about the NC letter and I stated that it is very important to me. She feels I am trying to control her.

We talked the other night and both agreed we had a good three weeks together after agreeing to work on M. She says that some days she feels like we are falling in love again, others she wants to strangle me. That actually sounds like marriage to me. I guess I feel the same way. I consider myself still in Plan A. I have been trying to meet her EN's and giving, giving, giving. Things are better, but I am still afraid. She is reluctant to continue joint MC.

She is going back to her home state tomorrow for 2 weeks (very near OM-30 miles vs. 800 from home) for family time and a friend's wedding (OM will not be at wedding). Also taking our 2.5 D. This has been planned much before D-day. No problem before, now I am worried. Both WW and D will stay with her parents. My MIL is on board with me about NC when WW is gone; W exposed relationship to her M and sister. I have already stated to WW that I want to go to wedding; a husband needs to be with W at a wedding, and I want to go on the trip with her. She wants to use the wedding as girl time with her friends. I have a new job, and taking a week or so off is almost impossible. OM is not married and has never given her up. I sent OM a respectful email telling him to not contact WW anymore, we are working on our M. Not sure if this will deter him or not.

We also talked about the length of her trip last night. I also told her that right now I think we need to be together and two weeks apart is not good. She really didn't say much but said that she is looking forward to spending time with her friends and family. I think this is legitimate but I am still worried.

I just have a gut feeling that she has found a new way to contact OM. Maybe I'm paranoid. She says I have to trust her and she wants to trust me to not snoop. I do know that she has 4 phone cards in her purse for some reason. Maybe to contact OM so I can't trace. She hasn't told me about these.

Am I absolutely crazy to let her leave tomorrow for two weeks with my daughter? Should I lay down the law and say I'm not comfortable with the whole situation and our daughter stays here. I still have a legal option in my back pocket to keep daughter in state. This involves her leaving without my consent out of state. I would have to get a court order for our daughter not to leave or to come back. Not sure if it would work out perfectly, and my wife doesn't know I am even considereing this. I just don't want to find out that my wife has been "playing" me for the last three weeks so I would let her go be near OM. If I find that out, I will leave in a minute to pick up my daughter and bring her back to a safe environment, court order or not. Thanks.

Having your daughter with her is actually a much better hindrance than going alone. I'm not sure why you think that keeping the baby at home would help this situation.

Those phone cards are a huge red flag! Your wife is trusting you not to snoop???? Her life should be an open book right now more than ever. Aside from that, her desire to see her friends and family should not come at the expense of your feelings. If you are not enthusiastic about this trip...and she wants to reinstill trust...she ought to be negotiating a way for both of you to feel good about it. The reason you don't feel good about this trip is because she is doing none of those things...and you know it. You are still suspicious, because you should be....that's the bottom line.

The reason I am considering having my D stay with me is to protect her from contact with the OM. She has already met him. If my WW is not thinking rationally by still contacting him, I don't want my D exposed to this potential new daddy. I guess I'm standing up for myself and my D and thinking of her best interests. I realize that without my D with my WW, it may make is easier for her to contact OM. However, my WW has stated she can't be away from our D, it would kill her. This doens't make sense if she is thining of leaving me and eventually having to have a parenting plan. Deep down, maybe I'm trying to hold my WW hostage by keeping our D with me. Then I know WW will have to return. Does this make any sense??

Those two things alerted me also. Phone cards? Have you ever used them in your family as part of a standard routine? If not, then there ya go. Trust you not to snoop? LOL, your snooping and discovering nothing is how you start to build yourself back to being able to trust. Trust is verifying statements for awhile, then just accepting them as fact without any proof.

Bud, she is not on board yet. Don't pull a legal card, just realize, she has to choose. Is going an option? If so, tell her, this is how it will be. No one needs two weeks to have girls time, that is a lie.

I think her actions still sound suspiscious and you have every right to feel uncomfortable with her going. The phone cards would concern me the fact that she is trusting you not to snoop concerns me. She should be completely open with you. And if she is serious about working things out with you, she should be making you feel as comfortable as possible about this trip. I agree that her taking the daughter would be a much better hinderance the if she goes alone.

She says she has phone cards for travelling back to her home state in case her cell phone does not have coverage. This is actually the 3rd trip this year. Sounds fairly legitimate but why 4 phone cards? I checked the minutes and 1 is expired, 1 has about half the minutes left and two are not used at all. The two that have been used bothers me.

One more questions. If I do tell her that I don't want her to go, or that I want to go with her, and she says no, she is going alone for two weeks for family and friend time, what options do I have? Is insisting my D stays here really going to help things? I believe that it ensures protection my D, but is it the best action? Even if WW sees OM, there is no guarantee that D will see him. Would I be making it easier for her to see him? I guess I feel like I am down to my last day to make a decision and I don't have a clue what to do. Thanks,

Hi jmash,

You know,I as well as other's have been telling you for a while now that your WW taking your D out of state and to this wedding is not a good idea and now she leaves tomorrow and you are out of time.I think you finally came to the right conclusions about protecting your D but now you have no time to implement the lawyers paperwork to keep your WW from taking her.

Also,the calling cards are another classic way in which WS's pretend that they are in no contact by showing you that no,they haven't made any cell phone calls and no they haven't e-mailed the OP but as we all know,there are numerous OTHER ways to be in contact and this is one of them.More LIES.
Of course your WW intends to see this OM.That is why she doesn't want you to come to the wedding.

Let's recap:

-WW doesn't want you to go to the wedding
-has several calling cards and for what purpose? It's obvious.
-Refuses to go to MC with you(joint)
-"deciding"(refusal) to send NC letter
-WW feels like you are controlling her

Where is this "proof" of NC with the OM?

Your WW is not out of the woods yet or at all I might say.What you should have done upfront is tell your WW that you do not agree that taking your young D out of state is appropriate and that you are concerned for her safety.This would have given her a heads up.Right now,according to you,she hasn't a clue that you were going to prevent her from taking your D.I don't agree that using a 2.5 year old girl to make the OM "see" what it would be like to be with your WW is an option.You know nothing about this OM other than he was involved with your WW before and now he is again only she is married.He's a homewrecker and needs to be kept away from your D at all costs right now.Being in an adulterous relationship does not give WW the right to parade her daughter around unsavory men.

Go with your gut instincts.They are speaking to you loud and clear.

O

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thank you O-girl. Some new info, I did check the phone cards. All of them are unused for at least a month. So these are not being used to contact OM at least in the last 3 or 4 weeks. I have scoured through her purse and our home and I can't find anything to suggest that she is contacting OM. The only thing I can't check is if he is calling her on our home phone and she is deleting the calls from the ID. To be honest, I'm not sure my WW would be smart enough to think I couldn't check that. She actually thought the phone was tapped earlier.

I think I need to state agian to my wife that I want her to shorten up her trip. I am in a new job and it would be very difficult to take several days to a week off. However, i would feel better if her two weeks was shortened to 1. She may feel resentment towards me for this; she probably won't go along with it anyway.

Its true that my gut tells me I am being played. However, another part of me, tells me that she may be sincere. I really don't know what to do. If I overreact and she is sincere, it may damage us forever. However, she will probably do what she needs to do and I can't stop her. That side of me tells me to have her leave with good feelings about me and our home and not mistrust and resentment. I wish the answeres were easy. Thanks.

Ok,well,I hope everything turns out for the best while she is away.Let us know how it goes.

O