A dear friend of mine thru work has found out her husband is cheating on her....
and in fact believe that he has done so before but she is now to the point that she can't go through it again...

all the signs are there again that have been a pattern in her life...
weight loss
leaving work
going to the store

I told her to look for the cell phone...
well his mommy and daddy bought grown man-child a cell phone recently....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

and she actually has hidden a recorder in the home...and caught him on the phone...(there may be more than one OW....)

she is heart broken and while I have been on these boards a while..and the pain in the written word of these stories is hard enough...but to see it reflected in her eyes...is heart breaking....

Blessings to all of you that have found your way here...and are working through it...

I also never realized how overwhelming this site is...that in the angst of all it...it is even hard to know where to start here...

I went with her last week just to meet with a lawyer...because she needs all the information she can..

she is afraid to confront because she is sure that he will deny and she just found out a name last week....

there is a history of abuse...and within the last year she came to work with marks on her neck where he had choked her....
and it is hard enough to see.....and harder yet to know that some people choose that pattern....

she is waffling in her agony....
she is afraid of disclosure for her safety
she is afraid of ending up in the street...
there is a long history of her inlaws giving her husband lots of money...and the house is in her inlaws name as they bought it for "them" but really him as they don't really care for my friend..

she has two boys....a son who a senior in highschool..and an older boy who is marine...home from Iraq and in aueronotics school...?sp

her husband makes more than her...she is a secretary...
the house is his
he has always kept the checking accounts seperate...

her and i talk a lot...but she is scared and with the boys home...she is fearful of getting caught...

here are her questions....

can he throw her out of the house if she files.
since the checking is seperate will she have no money or is it fifty/fifty...

I asked her point blank that does she think he will get violent with her if she confronts him OR files and has him served which is the route she seems to be headed on....

she told me she does not know...
and that is scary...

I think her husband is an [censored] and I don't care how dispectful that is.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (and that's toned down)

I talk to her about how I don't think he wants a divorce...I think he is a cake eater supreme...
I think her serving will rock his world and the rubber will meet the road...and he will choose to end ALL chaos in his life...or she will be free from him...

I fear her eldest will go after his father...as he and she are very close....and the way she supported him in Iraq was an amazing thing....

and he is a very respectful young man...

she thinks she will be kicked out
lose her children...
because she can't see the value in how it is she that makes that house a home...

she is in chaos...

and I am not sure how to help..

thanks all...............
ARK <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What state does she live in?

ark,

What state does she live in?

The lawyer is in the best position to answer whether he can kick her out. Even if he can, he'll have to provide some sort of support to her, I bet.

Based on your description, this case may be beyond MB principles - repetitive affairs combined with spousal abuse. A good resource could be the local women's support social services for battered/abused women. Perhaps the best favor you can do for her is to steer her there first rather than trying to handle this as a typical affair.

WAT

Pennsylvania Yankee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Oh wat I agree with you...I haven't even suggested this site...as it's just too much..
but to see this site through her eyes...egads..

OR suggested rebuilding anything....

I am going to get her some of the shelter information....
the other thing I thought of today was our employee assistance program at work...

I keep offering her to come here..
use my phone/books computer etc...
but there schedules have been that he's off when she's off....grrrrrrr

her mind is going a million miles a minute...
and never gone through any legal seperation/divorce issues myself......I have no answers for her....

the lawyer intitially wanted 750.00 dollars just to talk...but I went with her...and I ofcourse charmed him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ...so he didn't charge her initially

he said she most likely get alimony 3-5 years...
but he did say the house issue was sticky not being in neither name....perhaps just his now...but didn't go in to detail....


bleeech....rat meat isn't even close to describing him...ode to 2long....

thanks...

ARK

I would think the lawyer is the best source of information regarding where she stands financially. In some states child support only lasts until 18. She may still be intitled to alimony for a period of time. Lots depends on the laws in the state.
I doubt that he could just kick her out.

This is a tough situation complicated with the spousal abuse history. WAT's advice seems very sound.

Does she have any family of her own nearby?

Some jurisdictions have a legal mechanism in place that can be applied for and enforced by the police. Here it's called an emergency Protection Order. It can be applied for in the case of violence or threats and allows the occupant exclusive occupancy to the resident and their family even if there is insufficient evidence to lay a charge. It also allows the seizure of firearms and creates a legal barrier for the abuser from contacting the abused or going near the residence.

If your state has such a mechanism in place, the shelter or the police will have that info.

In the cases of abuse, the incidents usually get worse and occasionally results in disaster. Choking takes it to the next level. One of the best ways available to prevent further abuse has been found to be criminal charges. There is no statute of limitation here on assault and its worth determining if it is an option where you are. Some agencies require corroborating evidence ie. third party witness/doctors evidence regarding injury etc. before charges can be proceeded with.

ark^^,

While this is greatly beyond the boundaries of my expertise.....

I think more than anything she needs....a plan.

(I know. sounds dumb....)

But she needs to map out what she wants and how to get there. From A to Z. And not an, "If he does/doesn't get mad" type of plan. It should ONLY involve her well-being (and her children's) at this point..........

She should brainstorm all possible scenarios, and find out what legal and protective measures she should take, How she should explain to her children, etc. Her lawyer and shelters should be able to help her with the info necessary to make those decisions.

I just got off the phone with her...she's at work...so can't talk much...grrrr

she was going to hang up with me and call the eap...which is really good...they will have resources for a lot of her issues...

she is also meeting with a lawyer friday am to discuss financial status...

the issue is her fear..
she's so afraid...
afraid of him
afraid of the unknown... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> who's not
afraid for the kids
afraid she will end up in the street alone...

has older relatives here..
sister
and brothers farther southern states...

ugggh ugggh ugggh...
really appreciate everyones input..

ark

ark,

Pennsylvania has more than one kind of divorce. It has no-fault...but adultery can also be used for grounds. The following is a good resource:

http://www.pafamilylawyers.com/CM/FamilyLawPractice/FamilyLawPractice5.asp

Obviously wat has this right....her needs are greater than MB can provide and her BEST interests would be served by looking at the vast resource of online information on Pennyslvania divorces...and finding a FANTASTIC attorney to help apply them to this individual situation. I think with good legal representation, that your friend is not as vulnerable financially as she thinks she is (except in terms of the house...that's really a crummy situation). Once she files, she can get support to get another residence.

Also....if the house is in the parents name...but your friend can prove that mortgage payments that came out of the marital assets were paid...she may not be able to get the house...but she may still be able to recover half of the value of those payments. She needs GOOD records...and she needs to get them in order, and store them outside of the house BEFORE she files. Here's some other places that assets can be hidden:

* Collusion with an employer to delay bonuses, stock options or raises until after the divorce. You might find this information by taking the deposition of your spouse's boss or payroll supervisor, but more likely you'll need a forensic accountant.
* Salary paid to a nonexistent employee. The checks will be voided after divorce. Again, you might find this information by taking the deposition of your spouse's boss or payroll supervisor, but you'll probably need a forensic accountant.
* Money paid from the business to someone close -- such as a father, mother, girlfriend or boyfriend -- for services never rendered. The money will no doubt be given back to your spouse after the divorce is final.
* A custodial account set up in the name of a child, using the child's Social Security number.
* Delay in signing long-term business contracts until after the divorce. Although this may seem like smart planning, if the intent is to lower the value of the business, it is considered hiding assets.
* Skimming cash from a business he or she owns.
* Antiques, artwork, hobby equipment, gun collections and tools that are overlooked or undervalued. Look for lush furnishings, paintings or collector-level carpets at the office; income that is unreported on tax returns and financial statements.
* Debt repayment to a friend for a phony debt.
* Expenses paid for a girlfriend or boyfriend such as gifts, travel, rent or tuition for college or special classes.
* Investment in certificate "bearer" municipal bonds or Series EE Savings Bonds, which do not appear on account statements because they are not registered with the IRS. (The government is phasing out these bonds, realizing that it is losing a lot of money.)
* Cash kept in the form of traveler's checks. You may be able to find these by tracing bank account deposits and withdrawals.

Dear Ark,

I'm sorry for your friend's hardship. She is lucky to have your friendship and your support. That is paramount during her struggle.

Fear...that's what I'm all about. After three years of my husband standing firm about never wanting to come back..."we don't get along"...etc.etc., I still have similar fears to what your friend is experiencing.

As you know, I hate being afraid. I'm sure your friend does. However, it is fear's strength that sometimes feels overwhelming.

You've helped me to realize that fear is an obstacle that must be removed in order for transformation/change to take place. No matter what many may believe, I carry much of what I've learned here at MB through you and some special "others" with me. I may not act on what I should but it is fear of opening the door to a place I may not want to go...it's that fear of the unknown vs familiarity, letting go of a past that you don't to be forgotten...etc.

You are a treasure, Ark. Look at your posts to me of the past..they'll certainly help her.

My prayers are with your friend.

Hi ark,

I'm sorry your friend is in this position.It's awful all the way around.I had just a few thoughts.

www.divorcenet.com

This site has state by state forums to talk about her rights with other people and perhaps some who have actually already been down the path your friend is about to go down.This happened to me.There were at least two men that I have talked to about my position in Mediation/Divorce that really helped because they had already been D'd in my state but also do a lot of research about the laws where I am and know all about the judges too.In my state,CS gets paid to me until the children reach age 23(out of college) and alimony until I remarry or die or my WH dies.If he remarries,I still get alimony.** Tell your friend to get a sceond and third opinion about her situation.Only 3-5 years of alimony sounds very low.

Also,if your friend thinks her H will try to prevent her from getting any money and is going to be hiding assets and such,she should consider a Forensic Accountant who will go through all the marital assets,funds and any accounts with a fine tooth comb.This man(H) should be prepared to be forthcoming with all the information or risk a full investigation/disclosure.Maybe he will choose not to go that route since it will be costly for everyone but your friend should be armed to the hilt if and when the going gets tough.

If your friend is scared for her life due to abuse or violence,I would suggest that she not confront the H in any way if she is there at home alone with him.Too risky.Maybe talking to him through a lawyer or with a family member there would be better.

I hope everything will turn out ok for your friend.I understand that she is just beginning this journey but my prayers are with her.

O

P.S. I don't know if she can do this or not yet,but tell her to start DOCUMENTING everything.Make copies of all statements,accounts,phone bills,medical bills,credit card statements,etc.Ultimately,if and when a D takes place,her H will be held accountable for all information that pertains to a D financially but if he starts hiding things,it could take a long time to find information which is why if she can document information and also keeps the idea of a forensic accountant in the back of her mind,hopefully she will have some ammo against any attorney HE might come up with should he go that route.She needs to protect herself in either scenario.

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 01:14 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

she just told me last week that he has always kept their checking accounts seperate...and that he actually keeps tabs if she uses money out his account for certain things...

and her "debt" to him is now about 1300 dollars...

what a creep....

ark

ark^^,

I am a volunteer at Crisis Line. Most of big counties had their own crisis line that could help refer her to find out about divorce and support. There are many non profit organizations that they might be able to refer her to.

Call 1-800-Suicide. All call would be directed to the local crisis line for her county. The number is actually misnamed, most of the callers are in crisis and try to get help. It is not for suicidal only. We have databases of resources that are available in your county. We take 3rd party callers too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 01:10 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

thanks guys..

I really appreciate all the help...

geeze my mom just called and hospice thinks my grandmother is going to pass this evening/night...

she's 93 and it's time....

but sheesh...what a week...

thanks to all so very very much...

ark

hey ark---sprezzatura is in pennsylvania and is currently in this sitch...call her out and i will tell her to look at this thread. maybe she can offer some advice on pennsylvania laws.

I am so sorry Ark...

terr...wanted to thank you for your support...and ofcourse am looking forward to hounding and harping on you in the near future... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

my grandmother did pass this afternoon shortly after two...

my dad (only child) was with her in the room (he had spent the night at her bedside)..and I am pleased that she did not cross over alone...and that my father shared those moments with her...they will keep his memories at peace as well....


I was able to see her and say goodbye last eve and again this morning...then went over to my mothers to help her clean and get some laundry done as they have been spending most time in the nursing home...these past few days...and my sister/husband and some others will be coming out of town for the funeral....

she was 93....which is way cool....

I am worried about my friend at work as now I will not be working Sunday and she will be at work then.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I pray she is well...

oh well there it is in a nut shell...

again thanks to all

ARK

Ark^^

I am truly sorry....you know i know about recent loss and i feel for you and your family. I will light a candle and say a prayer.