Things seem to be going well in recovery for us. Just yesterday he said that she was crazy if she ever thought that he would live with her. My WH acts as if he truly despises the OW now, but of course he never acted like he liked her much at all. He mentions quite frequently that he thinks that I'm going to leave him. What does that mean? Does he want me to leave him or what? I asked if it bothered him that I don't pet him like I use to he says that it does. Before his A I was always touching him, loving on him and telling him how wonderful and good looking that he was maybe I did these things too much so I don't do it much anymore and I no longer tell him those things because I don't see that in him anymore. Somebody tell me what the deal is!

Come on ya'll, I need some help here! Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Jennie G:
<strong> He mentions quite frequently that he thinks that I'm going to leave him. .....Before his A I was always touching him, loving on him and telling him how wonderful and good looking that he was ....and I no longer tell him those things because I don't see that in him anymore. Somebody tell me what the deal is! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Jennie- he is afraid that you are going to leave him. WS who committ to rebuilding their marriages generally DO have trouble believing that their spouses aren't kicking them to the curb. He is also afraid of ending up alone. Add in the fact that your behavior has changed towards him (as you stated above- you no longer tell him things such as that he is wonderful etc- because you no longer see it in him) and I pretty much can guarantee you that he is very insecure right now.

Thanks for your reply. Should I be telling him these things even though I'm not feeling them? They say that if the mind thinks it, the heart will follow. The plan A that is talked about here seems to suggest that I should tell him anyway but of course that is usually while the A is still happening I think.

My FWW feels undeserving and vulnerable. I am doing my absolute best to assure that I'm here until theres no chance of us working out or I die.

Much as she deserved to feel insecure that is not a basis I want for our M. I don't want her to stay through gratitude, I want her to stay through love.

Jennie- what do you say to him when he says that he thinks you are going to leave?

I'm not a plan A expert. My gut feeling, however, is that no- I wouldn't say something you didn't mean. What I WOULD do is to reassure him that you are committed to working on your marriage together but that you are still working through your own feelings so things may not be exactly how they used to be between the two of you. I would follow that up with telling that you think in the future that things can be even BETTER then they were before- and that that is what you want to work for with him.

As I said- I'm not a plan A or B or MB expert by any means, so I hope you get some other perspectives and opinions from the great people here.

Thanks for your reply. Should I be telling him these things even though I'm not feeling them? They say that if the mind thinks it, the heart will follow. The plan A that is talked about here seems to suggest that I should tell him anyway but of course that is usually while the A is still happening I think.

When he says that he thinks that I am leaving him, I always tell him that I'm not leaving him and that I do still love him but that I do not want to hurt anymore and that it is going to take me a long time to get over the whole situation.

Jennie, I obviously don't know much about you or your H. I'll throw this out there, however. Some people do better with a plan- something concrete that they can work with to attain a goal. Hearing from you that it is going to take you a long time to get over the A, may seem an insurmountable mountain to your H- he may be wondering- HOW is she going to get over it...WILL she get over it..etc. Perhaps if you both committed to working through the MB program it might give him something concrete so that he can feel that he is actively repairing the marriage with you. Are you two in MC?


This may be completely off base or not responsive to your H's real concerns/fears- so feel free to ignore completely.

We are not in MC at this time because at this point we cannot afford it. We have read a tremendous amount of information from this site though. I do tell him about how I feel though so that he knows we are at least making progress. Things are much better now than they were, so it is going well. I haven't told him that I don't feel the way that I did, just that I am hurting. I think that if I told him that I felt differently than I did it would be a step in the wrong direction. I'm hoping that with recovery those feelings will return. I still love him very much but the thinking that he is the most wonderful man in the world is gone. I did tell him when I found out about the A that I felt like I had never really known him at all.

Do you guys think that I'm doing things the right way?