Hi!

I'm embarrassed to ask you guys but this has been swirling through my mind for approx. 1 week.

Hit me over the head if my idea is terrible.

Ok, I've been getting anomynous calls for the past 4 years. Sometimes more and sometimes less. The last prooved call from OW was the 18th December 2003. She had tried to contact my husband out of the blue.

She had called with an identified number so when "we" called back without knowing it was OW but her voicemail made that clear.
Later on, my husband called back and yelled into her voicemail to leave us alone and to get out of our life.

OW had called my husbands "old" cellphone number and she wasn't aware that it was now mine.

Now the contract for this cellphone has expired. That means OW cannot make "new" contact with my husband. I'm happy about that.

But here comes my question. What "would" of happened if I wouldn't of been around when OW called on the 18th December???? How would my husband of reacted???? What did OW want from my husband out of the blue????

This is twirling through my mind............ <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I think I'm NUTS!!!!

Anyways, I have now gotten a new cellphone with a new number without my husband knowing it. I feel stupid sharing this but I would like to know some opinion on this.

I have even set up a voice mail that has OW on it. I am planning to call my husband on his cellphone and then hanging up. I want to see if he calls the number back and how he reacts to the "voicemail" with OW name...........

I want to hear if he says something to OW voicemail or if he simply hangs up and tells me about the call. Is this peronoid or what?????

I just know that OW is still swirling around in our location. I don't believe that there is any contact, well I actually know that there is none at all.

But I think this would be a way to find out if I can really trust my husband about his reactions. He has told me that he would never again talk with OW and he has told me that if she ever called again, he would tell me immediately.

I'm thinking that my idea would "proove" to "me" that he is "really" honest and it would be another step "forward" dealing with "trust".

I have to say that I still have my problems "trustíng" even though his affair has been almost 4 years ago.
He gives me no reason not to trust him but I want to know if he really does the things he tells me he will do.............. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

bb
please don't be too hard on me............

Hi BB,

My thoughts are that at some point, you have to trust your H... The best way to do that is by watching his actions. You said that he hasn't given you any reason to suspect that he's still in contact with the OW...

I'd take him at his word and wouldn't try to set him up with a fake phone call from the OW. Why tempt him? If his actions are trustworthy to this point, then I think that your energies would be better spent trying to grow closer to your H.

Now, if your H's actions give you reason to doubt him, then I think your plan has some merit...

But to answer your question of "Is this a way to regain trust?"... IMHO, I don't think so... as long as your H's actions thus far have been trustworthy.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi Rebuilding,

thanks for your reply. It makes complete sence what you are saying. I know that.

But............yes the famour BUT.....

If he does react the way he teels me he would, I would be able to "calm down" much more than I have been able to.

I had written a thread the other day wanting to know if the lies and sneakyness that a WS has during his affair is a part of their character or if it only happens due to the affair.
I'm "frightened" to death when I think that it could be a part of my husbands character. I want to "trust & believe" him so badly.

Would this really be a big throw back for us???

Do you find it "terribly wrong?"

bb

oh, just another thing. During my husbands affair, there was absolutely NO CHANGE in his way of being.

He was "PERFECT in hiding his true feelings.
HE has told me that there were times when he was scared to death but I didn't have a clue and I didn't notice anything. There was NO way to even sence his feelings.

This is what scares me............I believe that if he really was involved, I wouldn't have a clue.

bb

I don't think that your fear of your H straying again is "terribly wrong"... but again, as long as your H's actions have been trustworthy, then any act of "deception" to test his honesty would most definitely be a huge LB...

I understand your feelings of "validating" your H's actions with this little test... but what will you do if he calls the number and then doesn't tell you right away? What if he recognizes your voice and then accuses you of trying to "set him up"?... Again, if his actions have been trustworthy, then I would try to give him your trust.

Have you talked with your H and told him of your fears? You could let him know that you're very proud of the hard work that he's done so far, but that you are feeling a bit apprehensive right now... see if you two can work out some things together that will help you with trusting him.

Trust is very hard to regain once it's been lost... but it is possible to regain trust in our FWS.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Yellow haired flower:

This is a problem at 4 years.

Personally If your this freaked out, then I suppose it would be OK to "test" him as long as its Actually going to help you Cope .... and therefore help the M and relationship.

However, be prepared to totally explain yourself and your reasons once its done.
Even with that, definately expect at least a bit of a negative backlash from him.

Indeed, There are many BS out there that "need" to have some actual proof of that what their WS is "saying" is above board.
(Heck, just reading all the double cross stories on here is enough to make you feel like your getting Played.)

However, for this to be of use to YOU....you have to be VERY Clear what your plan is....regardless of Either of the possible outcomes.

So what is your plan if he passes? (ie, does NOT call Her back and tells YOU about it immediately).
Will this REALLY get you to calm down and ease your obsessing....or will you just come up with Another and then Another test... or worse another "insecurity" to cling too?

Is his passing EVER going to be enough?....only You can Answer that.
IF this is NOT going to let you begin to Trust, then why Do It?

On the other hand, you also must have a clear plan if he Fails (ie, calls her Back and tells you nothing)

What is your response going to be?

If all your going to do is LB all over Him (deservedly SO)....but then just basically go back to the way things are or have been......then I ask again, what's the point?

Then of course there is the half way deal (calls her back, [even though "said" he wouldn't] but then tells you about it). What's the Plan then? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Indeed, There must be some type of consequence that YOU can stick too (should he fail) .....or your just defining the "meaning" of insanity.
(That is doing the same thing over and over, yet "expecting" a different result).

So if his getting caught, isn't going to cause some changes in you and your actions (truthfully that's all you DO control) , then just leave it alone.
Because if your going to let him do what he wants and just "stay" anyway....then why even "go there" in the first place.

In that case, Just continue to live as you are.....and make the very best of it that you can.

Anyway that's just how I see it. Hope my message got through. (Not always the best at getting what I "mean" out to others).

All in all, YOU have to do what is best for your situation. (& only you know what that is)
Unfortunately, Some can regain trust easier then others.

Since your having such a tough time of it (at this point) and him "passing" your test will truly help your state of mind.... then Do it.

Similarly, If it will get you to set some real boundaries by catching him... then I say do it.

But if all that is going to change by him passing or failing is more conflict (yet NO solutions) in the M....then again why bother??

At some point your going to have to decide to trust or not (although never blindly again).

Perhaps your one of the one's that just can't.
Hey, that is your Right. NO judgement here. That is strictly a personal choice.

But if you can't begin to trust again then tell him THAT and make it plain and clear up front. Or at least make it clear that you can't Trust "right now". (as to the future, who can say?)
Perhaps he can live with that reality (considering how he messed up).
Who knows?

At the very least, you'll be on the same page and can hopefully together come up with strategies to Help you get there.

What I do know it that your continued mistrust (and you have ever Right to feel this way, no doubt about it) but while kind of "pretending" to his face that you DO......is ultimately going to ruin ANY chance the 2 of you have at making this work.

So what is your strategy, in either case.....should you "test" him?? (pass or fail)
What happens next?
And truly I don't need that answer....YOU DO!

Wishing you success in whatever avenue you choose to go down. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 13, 2004, 01:47 PM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

BB-

Oooh...I think that is soooo clever. I can't help but be intrigued by this. The choice is yours, but think it through thoroughly before deciding what to do! I totally agree with top rope...be able to explain...and be prepared for backlash from H. Be prepared for a response that you don't want either. If you did find out that he tried to contact OW (hee hee--you, actually) again, then be prepared...would you bring it to his attention or what?

I have to hand it to you...QUITE the clever idea!

Please let us know what happened!

Rae

No, this is not a way to regain trust. This is a way to wreck your marriage. Honestly. Deceit will not get you anywhere, and it will damage your relationship.

Let's use the addiction behavior. Pretend you're an alcoholic, and your husband goes away for a weekend and leaves a 6 pack of beer in the fridge...or pours shots and leaves them on the counter for you. How would you like that? I guess probably not vrey much, and it would feel pretty dang insensitive.

I suggest you realize that at this stage, trust is your issue, not his. You need to realize that you probably need some counseling to get over this hurdle. Something is blocking you, and I would guess it's more that you are afraid to trust than anything. Yep, it hurts to trust, it exposes you completely. Will the thoughts ever go away? The doubts? I sure hope so.

Hi all,

thanks alot for giving me your points of view. I have thought about all of them and yet I am still struggling.

There is no way for that my husband would reconize "my voice" because I got a computer activated voice mail speaking and it's "personalized. (it speaks OW name)
There is no way for my husband to find out the "true holder" of the cell phone because it's a "pre-paid" cell phone and in Europe the names of the holder will "never" be given out.

There would also be no way for my husband to find out anything because once I have the result, I'd "get rid" of the cell-phone. (this will be only for me)

I have thought about what would happen if he did call and I know what this would "tell me". It would send me a "clear message" and I'm being honest on this one.

My "biggest" problem is trust, that's for sure and I have been in therapie together with my husband. He is "aware" about this, that's for sure.

Something is "really" blocking me, I know that but I don't know if it's my gut or if it's just "ME". ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

My husband was the first person in MY LIFE" that I had truely trusted. I was abondoned by my parents when I was 14. So many other things happened in my life............so trust will always be "very gross" in my life!!!!

I have "never" tested my husband throughout this whole misery. NEVER

I must admit, I never came up with an idea like this before, so it is very tempting for me.

I somehow can't compair this with an "alcoholic" because in a situation that involves infidelity, I think the addiction happens during the affair and within the time of withdrawel and in "foggy" moments.
And I'd say that if the WS has really "learned" from what happened he will have the strength to stand up for the relationship he now has and he will not make the same mistake again, NEVER AGAIN. (this is my husbands "spoken word".)


And yet, this is really tricky for me to find out: Will he or won't he????? Can I trust or will he fall????..................

I want to be able to "let myself" lean back again in my life and have the feeling (Just for me) that he will "stick to his word" and "live what he speaks" by being completely "open and honest " with me.

Sorry if I'm getting on your nerves, you guys. Please keep on posting as this is really a "biggy" for me and I don't want to make a mistake.

The
"Yellow haired flower"

BB it seems to me that the BEST that could happen is your FWH reported the contact, you admitted the trick and he smiled and thought it a clever trick to laugh about.

Is that really likely ?

If he DOESN'T report the contact to you and calls the OM isn;t that going to backfire in a horrible way ?

If he DOESN'T take the trick in good pat even if he DOES tell you about the contact you will have killed some part of his faith in YOUR Faith in him. Respect is rare currency for FWS in recovery I am learning.

I just can't see that any likely outcome is positive from doing this, andso many ways for it to cause pain.

Imagine yourself apologising to him if it backfires...

An deven if it DOES work, its only a single test in time. He might behave differently on another occasion.

Think Very carefully about this BB.

Dear Blondblossom, please think long and hard before you do this and I hope that this will turn out to just be a fantasy and that for the sake of your M you don't do it.

If you can't trust him and he has done nothing to provoke the non-trust, then it is your stuff and not his and you should not punish him for doing nothing.

I just keep getting a feeling that if you do this it will amount to no good.

I think your thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal and its a fear trying to protect you from getting hurt again.

But you do not have to act on it...

I do not want to offend you by my bluntness, but I really hope you don't do it.