I need advice on what to do next - and what NOT to do. Briefly:

H's A - EA for approx 1 year, became PA July 2003
I found suspicious stuff March 2004 - he convinced me it was not true
Found evidence of PA May 2004
Gathered evidence for a while

Exposed to OWH 3 weeks ago - he is in denial and says he "wants to work on marriage"

Confronted H with knowledge same night. Was calm, cool, kind, etc. - no LB's. Set a few boundaries. He said"I refuse to acknowledge anything you have said." Complete denial.

Exposed to all his close friends. He went to one friend and said he hadn't made up his mind what he was going to do, but he(friend) would have to choose between us.

Exposed to H's brother - he is a covenant keeper and came Sat. to talk to H. H in a backhanded way at least admitted that he had feelings for this woman. H will not admit anything to me at all.

I have spent 3 weeks being pleasant, making home a good place to be (I think) and avoiding LBs. I hope. H is sometimes pleasant and friendly but sometimes short and critical of me.

I know from evidence I have seen that he has promised OW that he would marry her in 2 years.
She left a message for him yesterday that she was sad they couldn't spend as much time together as they had been but that she knew soon they would be together forever. He still lives at home with me. I guess exposure has made them "cool it" a little, or H is having second thoughts and is afraid to break it off. I don't think he wants to break it off at all, but... I live in hope that this is an indication that he is trying to slow down the relationship. Overly optimistic, I know.

Here are my questions:

1. I have exposed to many people, but I see no real effect. He doesn't admit anything. Do I continue to expose more and more until I see a change or what?

2. Do I make him aware of all the proof I have of the A? Would that help or hurt?

3. I have done no talking about the relationship at all since that night. Should I bring this up again? Or just keep on being kind and loving, etc. He will not allow me to meet any ENs at all. We talk only about household things, our son, the dogs, various friends and their activities. I am avoiding any confrontation or disagreements at all times.

Basically, what steps do I take next? I want to do the right thing, but above all, avoid doing the wrong thing. Help?

1. I have exposed to many people, but I see no real effect. He doesn't admit anything. Do I continue to expose more and more until I see a change or what?

Have you exposed the A to the OW's husband? This will be the most important exposure you make, regardless how you feel about it. This single act will put more pressure on the A than ANYTHING else you can do.

2. Do I make him aware of all the proof I have of the A? Would that help or hurt?

Yes, however, be very thoughtful about how you go about this. Your "confrontation" should be done in a loving manner, and you should do this in a calm and collected manner, however difficult. You should make the point that this action by him is very hurtful to you, and you must know the truth about your marriage, and the condition it's in.

More importantly, make sure you use copies of the hard evidence you have, and the originals are in a safe and secure place. Should he become upset, it is possible he could take the evidence away from you and destroy it, in a fit of anger, and then you'd have nothing.

Do think about what "methods and means" of collecting evidence you will be "giving up" when you expose the evidence to him. If you have several sources, you may want to protect one or two, to have something to fall back on after he's "promised" no contact, to make sure he's keeping his word.

All of the evidence you have should be made available (again, in copies), to the OW's husband. He may be suspicious, but not have evidence, and it make take the evidence to convince him of the A, especially if he's in denial.


3. I have done no talking about the relationship at all since that night. Should I bring this up again? Or just keep on being kind and loving, etc. He will not allow me to meet any ENs at all. We talk only about household things, our son, the dogs, various friends and their activities. I am avoiding any confrontation or disagreements at all times.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair, by Willard Harley, if you haven't already. It will guide you through the proper steps to make attempts to stop the affair, get your H into counseling, handle the exposure and give you a road map towards recovery.

You are on the right path. Keep posting, and asking for assistance. It will help you keep yourself "together" for this journey. These forums helped me save my marriage after my W had affairs.

SD

I have spent 3 weeks being pleasant, making home a good place to be (I think) and avoiding LBs. I hope. H is sometimes pleasant and friendly but sometimes short and critical of me.

Good.... his conscience is being pricked.. that is the criticism you get.... You are not as horrible-acting as he needs you to be in order for him to justify his doing something so dreadful to you.

Ramp up the wonderfulness of you ... Plan A like a warrior until the last second before you Plan B (if that becomes necessary) (and it probably will become necessary).

I know from evidence I have seen that he has promised OW that he would marry her in 2 years.

2 years from when? That would be good to know.


I don't think he wants to break it off at all, but...

If he's like most men during the affair, they want to keep the affair going and NOT leave their wife.

I have to go now...

Pep

Thanks for your reply.
Yes, I did expose to OWH - three weeks ago. I am afraid he is burying his head in the sand, and has been little help, except perhaps to make them be more cautious, because they know he knows.

You are right about the proof - I would never show him the originals. I deliberately didn't tell him what all I had for the very reasons you describe. If he does agree to NC (ever), I will still need these avenues to see if he is truly in NC. That's why I didn't give him details originally.

I have read SAA, but need to go back and read it again. I think I'm doing the right things, mostly, but just don't know what to do next. I get the impression that I am to Plan A and just wait until he comes around. I just don't know whether his refusal to admit anything means I haven't done enough? Am I supposed to be shaking the fence or just let him sit there until he falls on one side or the other?

Another idea on the confrontation with the facts--check out "When Your Lover is a Liar" it has some very tangible steps for confrontation. I think you also need to state your boundaries regarding his relationships with other women. Have you tried looking at the EN questionnaire and trying to guess how your H would answer?

My H denied for a very, very long time, and I so wanted to believe they were "just friends" that I didn't really confront as I should have until the evidence was in my face. I am glad you are being so logical and calm--that takes strength and will serve you well.

Thanks, Pep - great reply.

I think it was 2 years ago from August 2004- that's when we intercepted the message.

Anne - who wrote "When Your Lover Is a Liar?"

Am I supposed to be shaking the fence or just let him sit there until he falls on one side or the other?

Shake the fence. Hand deliver, or through registered mail, make the hard evidence you have available to the OW's H.

He's probably in denial. The facts will bring him back from la-la land.

It's not likely that all your sources will be lost with that exposure.

It's more likely a solid and effectual exposure will put a severe damper on the A.

SD