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Joined: May 2004
Posts: 19
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I am a BS and would like to know what it actually takes in a WS, I have tried everything in my power and not going to give in, but things have gotten quite difficult. What makes the fog lift? WH says not seeing other woman, but last I heard from him he couldn't admit to not speaking to OP. I guess I wanted some insigt from FWW/FWHs as to what made them realize it/lifting? I am now 10 months into separation, and see no signs of turning things around, but know that OP and OBH are back and still the communication continues w/them. What to do, I am in plan B but have had some communication due to D....

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I'm a little over a year in separation and looking very soon at DV. I haven't spoken to my WW for almost a month. She called today because her military dependant ID card expired and she wanted me to get it renewed until the DV is final. I agreed to the ID card and didn't say much else. I'm also wondering what goes on in the head of my WW. I wonder if she will ever come out of the fog. My D tells me that she is trying to kick OM out as soon as she can, possbily by the end of the month. Still, she has never said anything about reconciliation. It may be too late now anyway, but I still have a slight bit of hope. If there are any former WWs or WHs out there, what finally brought you out of the fog and how long did your affair last? I think alot of us need some hope through hearing your points of view...

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Half Empty-

Welcome to MB-

You might find some help in this thread:
FWS

I'm a FWH. First let me say that breaking out of the fog can be different for each person but there seems to be a point where intense internal conflict sets in. Guilt is usually the first trigger.

Guilt is a moral judgment you feel because you have violated your internal standard. They feel guilt because their actions are in conflict with their sense of right and wrong. Guilt and shame begin to set in. BUT, guilt is usually not enough to break through the fog. What really grabs their heart is REMORSE. Remorse is the feeling of having done something that you deeply regret. Remorse is what you feel when you lose control and hurt someone you deeply love.

Many BS have asked the same question you are asking: “What woke you up and made you end the A?” The answer: REMORSE. I looked into the eyes of my children and saw their shame and hurt. I fell from my pedestal. Oh my gosh…there is no way to describe the pain and humiliation that is in the depths of your soul when you realized that you were the one person who your kids adored. Now… shame, anger, confusion and embarrassment. Then I realized that I still did love my wife. I remember thinking..."What have I done?" A lightbulb came on. I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO. Guilt exists in our head…but remorse moves us to action.

But understand, that is just the very first step; realizing that what your doing is not what you want to be doing. Then you have to decide to actually DO SOMETHING. Once you decide to do something then you have to take the steps to walk it out.

Walking away from an A can rip your heart out in chunks. Withdrawl and depression set in. This is where the WS needs all the support you can give them. It's hard. Hard on them to break free and hard on you to love them while they morn the loss of the OP.

There are several of us FWS's out here so ask away... we are here to help you and your M survive this aweful situation.

May God give you His strength to walk this path out with HIM.

2scared

Joined: Jul 2004
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I would like to know some of this also.

My WH broke up with his OW. He says he will not contact her. I still feel he is being secretive, but do not know how to approach him.

He still defends OW to me and to others. Some time I feel like saying "Why am I putting up with this?" He seems like he cares more about her feelings than he does mine.

I wish I knew how long it will take for him to be really in our M again. How long will it take for him to appreciate me again?

He said to me last week before he came home, that he just gave up a really good relationship for us.

I am at a loss.

K

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K-

Remember, he doesn't "feel" in love at the moment. His tank is on empty and thinks he has walked away from something that met his needs in some move of blind faith.

Those "love feelings" will all return as he gets more distance from the OW and you begin meeting those needs.

My advice... Rock his world. Seriously evaluate what needs were not being met in your marriage and what needs the OW was meeting. Then come up with a plan to start meeting all those needs. It can be hard and "fake" at first, but as you meet the needs and he begins to respond it will get easier. Then you will notice the feelings of love will begin to return.

Patience. This didn't get broke overnight, it isn't going to get fixed overnight.

Good luck!

2scared

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2scared,

Thanks for your input, I guess I am just concerned about the time that he is still not even toying w/the thought of returning. Could his guilt be so much that he could never handle returning? After d-day, he said to a friend that he would and could NEVER come back to me because he would have to pay for his mistake the rest of his life.

Now its not to say that he wouldn't suffer any consequences, but to not even try is where I feel most of the pain. I still love him very dearly and it pains me to even see him the few times that I have this year. Yet when we have seen each other its as if I never even existed or had a place in his life let alone his heart.

They are over, he gave OW an ultimatum and OW choose BS, how further rock bottom does he have to hit? His entire life has changed and I guess I almost feel that he is "ok" w/the new things and doesn't give a hoot about whether or not anything happens physically, mentally, and or financially, because he has our D 50% of the time.

Basically he is this stranger to me who only cares of himself and can't bother w/someone else to deal w. I can't believe that his ego is being inflated at this point, but if OW keeps calling and he keeps answering she continues to fill the ENs that I am not. Should I move in on him now? He's not seeing her and not contacting but does answer when she calls.

He doesn't live in our home any longer so it is as if our marriage never occurred. I think I facilitate his easy existance since I never bother him for support of any kind, I am just leaving him be and hopefully he will come around...

Joined: Sep 2004
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Hi half empty

"After d-day, he said to a friend that he would and could NEVER come back to me because he would have to pay for his mistake the rest of his life."

I am also worried about my H not returning because of pride and/or guilt. And maybe he thinks it would just be easier to start completely over with someone else.

I read emails of OW and my H. All the sappy/love emails from him to her. She doesn't seem interested in him when she writes back. He found out I read the emails, and asked "Why would you take me back after what I've done?". I said "You know why."

Have you made it clear to him that you will not hold the A over his head for the rest of his life ? And how do you convince them that you are serious that you will not and want to move on and start with a clean slate ?

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Amy-

I IS easier (emotionally) to move on and start with a clean, fresh slate. It is HARD work to dig in and work THROUGH the issues. I have thought of that myself. This little voice says "Just give up all the hard word and let her file for DV and move on to find someone who will love you without holding you in chains for the rest of your life." The problem... the issues still have to be worked through or he will just do it again.

What can you do? TELL him that you do NOT accept the fact that he cheated. That is NOT an option for the future, BUT you will dig in and find out what was going on in the M that created an atmosphere where he choose to cheat. You will work WITH him to repair the M and create a M where neither of you will ever WANT to leave. You will take the A and bury it forever and welcome his attempts to reconcile. You will not beat him up over and over for his mistakes.

BUT, you want a committment from him to work as hard as you at reconciliation.

Is it scary? VERY. Is it hard work? YES! Is it worth it? That depends on how hard you work.

The general thought is that when both are willing to examine and work on the M, it can become something even better. Will it ever go back to the way it was? NO! But it can become something better.

Encourage him to return and try... and you will committ to doing your part to making it better that he ever dreamed it could be. Make him WANT to come back.

God bless.

2scared


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