I have a question to all...

My BH and I (yes I am a FWW--one of those who desperately wants to work things out with my H) are currently separated (one month yesterday) as per his demands. I know that Surviving an Affair's opinion is that separation is not recommended...so does some other literature that I've read. My BH is adament...doesn't want to have anything to do with me until he's ready. I know I pretty much stuck in nuetral here...are there any suggestions? What is your opinion about/ experience with separation? Some say it was the best thing they could've done, others say the worst. Maybe I'm floundering here and I know a lot of people are gonna respond by saying, "It's individualized." I just don't if there's something I'm missing...

I'm having a really hard time being patient...but right now I know I must be...but is there anything else?

so let me make sure I understand...

Are you in absolutely NO contact with him whatsoever, do you have ANY ability to Plan A him? (since the concepts of Plan A can work in reverse, at least I'm trying to make it work on my BS/WW).

If you have NO contact with him, then it's possible that there's something else going on there: are you sure he hasn't been unfaithful with you, or wanted you out as an opportunity to start seeing others?

If you're sure he's being faithful and is just very distraught, I would suggest trying to find small and subtle ways to show you love him, to show your remorse. Notes on his door, dropping by the house and doing his laundry while he's not there, etc.etc.etc. are all good things.
Don't expect miracles, you'll have to stick with it before he even begins to come around, and he may continue to ignore or get angry with you over these attempts. Just go with it!

He just may need time to get over his anger - I'm sure he still loves you, just give him space and patience to sort out his thoughts and feelings.

Hi VnusMars--

I'm not exactly without complete contact. I do call him from time to time (every couple of days) to ask if there are any offers on the house and just sort of business-y type stuff. That's all he's willing to talk about.

And I'm sure that he is being faithful to me. Every now and then he'll call me with phone messages or to tell me that I can come do laundry at the house (when he's not there, of course). I did make him cookies and did his laundry when I was there last.

When I do talk to him I'm very cautious about what I bring up. Last time I spoke to him I asked him if he was making progress and he said, "Some. I have good days and bad days." I suppose that is promising.

I am staying at my house Friday, cause he's going to stay at his sister's, so I can do some more little things for him...laundry...maybe make him a couple of days worth of meals.

Every time I speak to him, I apologize and tell him I love him. Sometimes he hangs up before I can tell him that I love him.

Thanks, VM, for responding so quickly...I sure do appreciate it. I'm trying my hardest to Plan A...I've done well with it I think...Just miss the heck out of him.

Rae

Have you figured out why you strayed? Your best plan of action is to work on making changes in you, which is actually the only one you can change.

So search your heart and try to get some answers. When you do, maybe you can write your husband a letter, and let him know how this happened.

Hi Rae,
I too was removed from the house for a month but my wife and I had alot of contact (all awake time was spent together) even that was hard enough. I con't imagine what you are going through.

Something your post doesn't say is if your BH wants to work things out (it doesn't sound like it). If infact he does - he's going to have to give a little bit more than he is in my opinion.

Maybe schedule a chat with Steve Harley and get some advice. If you can't afford that you will likely get good advice right here.

I agree with Believer...you and I have much in common, we're so focused on getting our BS's back that we're not focusing enough on what we need to do to fix ourselves and the reasons why we strayed.

I think the most important thing is patience.

I have been in Plan A with my BS/WW for a month, and she actually is MORE likely to be confrontational and dismissive to me than she was before I started. I think my Plan A is bringing her anger/feelings of betrayal to the surface and she's lashing out. Once she's past that, she'll be fine again.

So...keep the faith, and if months down the road things are the same and you have to resign yourself to permanent separation, at least you can say you gave it your best effort.

That's what I'M trying to convince myself of, too.

Believer-

That's a really good question. One thing that my H did tell me over an email right when he found out, was that one reason that we're apart is so we can work on ourselves first. When I went back to reread some of the emails he'd sent me (b/c I miss him SO much and pathetically went back and read old emails), that part stuck out to me. Now, during the time he wrote that I think he was still in shock, but still, for some reason it really stuck with me.

I am trying so hard to work on myself right now and changing the things that I know I must. For example, I quit drinking--it always gets me into trouble and I can't stop once I've started 9x out of 10.

Also, I've been reading this book, I Didn't Sign up for This Life. It's really good. And I think that there are lots of reasons--NOT excuses, mind you-- that I did stray. One has to do with the stuff he's done to me in the past...I don't think I ever fully regained respect for and trust in him after he was abusive to me (yes, he did seek help for that and is still in therapy for that and my A). Also, and this goes back to my childhood--my dad was a terrible father--never around, never affectionate, verbally definitely and physically in the sense that he spanked us out of anger sometimes. My mom always treated us NOT with unconditional positive regard, but conditionally...if we did something bad, she'd treat us differently...almost hold a grudge or something. So When I grew up, I was always looking for love in all of the wrong places...however I could get affection, if you know what I mean. And when my marriage didn't turn out to be what I expected (basically once the honeymoon was over, the honeymoon was over...and my H basically responded to my vocalization that I wasn't happy with,"Well, that's how it goes.", I freaked out...thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, I married the wrong person. He doesn't love me." Etc, etc. Those are just a few of the things I've been thinking about...i can't be resentful to those who've caused me pain b/c chances are, they were in pain too. And I did bring up his abuse from time to time when I felt bad, felt that he didn't care anymore...didn't pay attn. to me.

You know, I was considering writing him a letter about some of these realizations I've come to...I will write it, and offer it to him...if he doesn't want it, I won't give it to him...if he wants it, then good. I just don't want to make him mad by sending it in the mail or something...I'm sure he'd feel I was respecting his wishes if I asked first, then he could decide whether or not he wants the note.

Thanks, Believer... i sure do appreciate your words...

rae

Be sure that you think out the letter very carefully. You may have had "reasons" for the affair, but the affair was still a poor choice in how to handle things. I think you realize that now.

Whatever you do, do not blame your husband for your choices.

Sleepless,

That's the thing about my H...he's not ready YET. When I tell him that I'm so very sorry and that I want to be a wife he can be proud of and one that he can respect and trust again, his response is always, "Maybe someday." Aaaahhhh!!!

I do want to set up a counseling appt. with someone...but he "isn't ready."

I just wish he'd let me live in the house and just sleep in separate rooms.

rae