I don’t know if I’m just overly concerned here and I would like to receive some input.

First some background:

Before my H lost his job due to victimization and unfair dismissal, he was chairperson of the labour union. He assisted and represented many staff and during this time, he also became platonic friends with a lady at work who was also victimized at her job and turn to my H for assistance, help and support. After my H left this company, he still kept contact with many of the staff and also this lady. Now and then she phoned my H to keep him up to date of what’s going on at her job and the company or to receive some advice from him etc. Since my H wasn’t allow at this company, they would go out for coffee now and then to discuss work related or company related issues. But with time they became more familiar with each other and would join for coffee when both of them were around in town or whatever.

My H always informs me about their visits and calls and he is totally honest and open to me about it. I know this lady, we are also friendly with each other and I consider her to be an open & sincere person. My H and me also know her H and we visited them at their house a few times. At first this lady’s H didn’t feel comfortable with the friendship, but after he get to know my H as a person and also became friends with him (both of them are in computer business and currently doing business together) things got better.

It’s obvious that this lady and her H have many problems in their M. Both of them often get angry at each other and there is a lot of LB’ing going on in their M (swearing etc.). They have 2 children. One evening my H was present (to pick up some computer stuff at their home) and her H swear to her and call her names in front of my H and another person (family member) who was also present. A while back this lady started to complain to my H about her H’s behavior towards her and my H said he get the impression that she wanted to discuss her marriage problems with him, but my H made it clear to her that he can’t interfere at all and they must sort things out themselves. My H said he also start to realize that he is often the first one she calls (an not her H) when something happened at her work and she want to share or discuss it. After my H became aware of this he told her to please take her H in consideration and make sure she share things with him first.

I have the following concerns and questions:

1. Although I know this lady doesn’t have any hidden agendas and only view my H as a friend and confidant to talk to at this stage, I’m however concerned this lady will start to develop inappropriate feelings for my H on some point… I feel my H unconsciously fill some EN’s for her (communication, respect, kindness, attentiveness etc.) which in probably lacking in her M and things she doesn’t always receive from her H. Will my H’s current appropriate and ‘just friendly’ behavior towards her be enough to prevent her from developing this type of feelings for him?

2. I talked to my H yesterday evening and he assured me that I don’t have to worry that he will ever develop romantic feelings for anyone else since he love me with his whole heart and will never have a place in his heart for any other woman… I believe my H when he says this… And I trust my H and I appreciate the fact that he is so honest and open about this friendship, but I’m still concerned he might develop feelings for her on some point too. Maybe I’m only somewhat jealous or maybe it’s just my own insecurities? I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just overly concerned or paranoid because I have been in an opposite sex friendship myself and have developed these romantic and inappropriate feelings… I know the dangers and I know how easily boundaries can be crossed from platonic frienship into something more, and now I’m afraid the same might happen to my H…

After we talked yesterday, my H said to me he know the dangers and learned from my experience as well and I don't have to worry, but is knowledge and awareness about this and appropriate behavior during all times enough to prevent him from developing feelings for her? Or am I just paranoid or overly concerned and am I just projecting my own fears and past mistakes on my H because I’m afraid the same might happen to him? Do I have reason to feel concerned about this or must I give it a rest? I just care so much about my H and M and don't want something to went wrong again...

I will appreciate any honest feedback on this. Sorry so long.

Thank you,
Suzet

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 05:07 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet, my FWWs affair began between platonic friends , without any noticeable physical attraction between them when thrown together by circumstance and both eventually discussed each others relationships....comparisons were made....and soon they are in bed together in a by the hour motel.

You KNOW this is not acceptable.

A woman discusses her partners failings with a friendly man as first preference because of only one reason, either by deliberation or instinct : She wants to feel validated by a man who she is NOT having problems with. You KNOW what this leads to.

Only pain can come of this IMO. I suspect you know it too.

As a result of my FWWs affair I have reviewed all my relationships with women and so many were risky without me knowing it it is untrue.

All blessings.

Bob,

Thanks for your post. I agree with you and understand exactly what you’re saying – tis is why I’ve send this post - because I'm concerned.

However, the problem is, I am the FWS, so how must I handle this situation with my betrayed H? Since I am the WS and since my H is so honest and open with me about the friendship and doesn’t hide anything from me, do I have the right to make requests to my H about this? My H already told her in a subtle way that she must not discuss her marriage problems with him and make sure she tells her H about all events at work first. IMO he handled this the correct way. This gives me some reassurance…or am I just naieve here?

Suzet, just explain that u are living proof of how stuff gets out of hand. Use your example to prevent future pain. Don't have a 'strop' or be rrogant about it, just explain that you know from personal experience and from the experiences of folks on here how easily such things can go out of control. You can't manacle your H, but you can explain lovingly that he needs to be VERY MUCH on guard if he doesn't want hurt to follow IMO.

All blessings

Suzet - Let me first say that I think both you and your husband are AWARE of the dynamics of, and ways that, affairs get started. I think his telling you about all of this is indicative of his commitment to you and his understanding of the need to be open and honest with you.

YES, your fears and concerns are normal because you know, having been through it, how "innocent" things can get started. Before then, the knowledge was not there. The "guard" was not up. But you both are extremely aware now.

Having said that, let me turn to a couple of things that you said because I get the impression that your husband is a kind and compassionate man...and therein lies the danger.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H said he also start to realize that he is often the first one she calls (an not her H) when something happened at her work and she want to share or discuss it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a terrific observation on your husband's part. However, once having recognized a "danger zone," it is time to "erect protective barriers." That means that your husband must begin to make himself less available to her, at the very least.

They have "common ground" in work. MOST affairs have a "work" connection and a frame of reference that isn't there with "strangers."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although I know this lady doesn&#8217;t have any hidden agendas and only view my H as a friend and confidant to talk to at this stage, I&#8217;m however concerned this lady will start to develop inappropriate feelings for my H on some point&#8230; I feel my H unconsciously fill some EN&#8217;s for her (communication, respect, kindness, attentiveness etc.) which in probably lacking in her M and things she doesn&#8217;t always receive from her H. Will my H&#8217;s current appropriate and &#8216;just friendly&#8217; behavior towards her be enough to prevent her from developing this type of feelings for him? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Insightful and right on target. It is apparant to me that she ALREADY has, or at least has the beginnings of, an Emotional Attachment and possible Emotional Affair. There is no question from what you posted about the verbal abuse she gets at home that your husband's communication, respect, kindness, attentiveness etc. is depositing huge sums in her depleted Love Bank. As we ALL know, deposit enough and sooner or later feelings of love grow. It doesn't matter at this point if it's "one sided." It does matter that left "unchanged," the relationship stands a very high risk of developing into more....and if it then must be "dealt with," the pain level is much more intense as is the "discomfort" in ending the relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...he assured me that I don&#8217;t have to worry that he will ever develop romantic feelings for anyone else since he love me with his whole heart and will never have a place in his heart for any other woman </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I believe this and I believe that he is being honest with you. But do NOT underestimate the "fantasy" component in HER mind. She obviously needs Marriage Counseling for her own marriage and she and her husband need to WORK on their marriage. Your husband is NOT the counselor for this task. She already sees him as her "knight and confidant."

So in total, your husband, as nice and considerate as he is, is ADDING to the problem by being too available to her. As long as she has his ear to talk to and his shoulder to cry on, what incentive does she have to try to address the problems in her marriage? NONE. "The grass is greener" and some other man, besides her husband, would be a "better catch." I can already hear all the justifications and rationalizations starting.

So your husband is walking in a minefield. It does not matter how "nice" your husband is. ONE misstep and the mine explodes either killing him or causing severe damage that will be very painful to recover from.

So my advice is simple. He has "done the manly thing" already. But he CANNOT be her confidant or counselor. He probably already HAS suggested things like counseling, but HE is not the counselor and HE needs to back off.

It is NO different than what frequently happens here on MB. You can give advice, make suggestions, counsel someone to seek MC...but in the end THEY have to choose. No one here can be the "surrogate" for a spouse and good communication between spouses. I see this woman heading directly into the "fog" concerning her own marriage and sees your husband as her "guiding lighthouse."

I know it can be a "fine line" between doing the good thing of trying to help someone, and crossing that line. I believe your husband when he says that he loves you and will never have a place in his heart for another woman. That is the same feeling that most WS's had at one point. But relationships are fluid and dynamic. Emotions DO get involved.

At this point my "advice" to your husband would be to drastically scale back, or end, his discussions with this woman. He does not work there anymore, so all that is left is gossip and an "excuse" to be in contact. Taking his profession of love for you to heart, it is time for him to stand on his vow of forsaking ALL others and keeping myself only unto you until death do us part.

It is time to "circle the wagons" around your marriage and YOUR recovery. POJA is very appropriate for this situation and unless there is ENTHUSIASTIC agreement from BOTH of you, it doesn't get done. YOU may be "agreeing" for a variety of reasons, but I'm quite certain it is "reluctant," not "enthusiastic," agreement.

Recovery is not easy and the dangers lurk around a lot of corners. Let's not enter known "danger zones" just because we want to let our "feelings" of being a "nice guy" override our reason and our vows. It should be, and is, you and your husband, alone against the world if necessary. Leave and cleave.

Even the Good Samaritan did what he could do and then LEFT. He did NOT stay in regular or constant contact. Take a lesson from that. Help when you can and then it is their responsibility to "take over" and heal and address THEIR problems.

God bless.

Bob -

You said:

You can't manacle your H, but you can explain lovingly that he needs to be VERY MUCH on guard if he doesn't want hurt to follow.

This is true and probably the best I can do on my part right now.

ForeverHers -

Thanks SO much for your post and your time. As usual, your response was right on ‘target’ and very helpful & insightful. Many of the things you’ve said just confirmed what I was already feeling and thinking, but hearing it from an objective and wise ‘outsider’ like you, helped me realize that what I feeling and thinking isn’t just ‘paranoia’ but realism. I will probably print this out and give it to my H to read.

Thanks again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God bless,
Suzet

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet -

Just my .02.

One of the boundaries that my H set after his last A was discovered is that he will not travel, eat lunch, eat dinner, drink coffee, etc. alone with another woman. If that kind of situation arises due to business, he will ask another person (preferably male) to join them.

I think it really comes down to boundaries and what you both feel comfortable with. If you are comfortable with your H's boundaries then ok. If you feel uncomfortable then maybe the boundaries need to be discussed again.

During my H's last A, he was acting accountable for his time. He kept in touch with me frequently during his business trips...calling me several times every day. Acted like he was a loving and faithful husband. Imagine the shock when I learned that some of the business trips were created to be with OW and that he called me many, many times minutes before and after the OW was in his hotel room.

Although your H seems aware of the dangers, what would it hurt for another person to come along on these coffee meets/discussions? There has to be others with the same interest it would seem.

I guess it would make me uneasy knowing that the woman is unhappy in her M and calling your H before her own H.

Sounds like you guys have good communication flowing so this situation should be easy to resolve.

Take care.

sss

OK, time for some honesty from me. ( no 2x4s please)
I have always been a person that people come to for advice and help. I am a coper who doesn't offer opinion as advice and I help if I can.

Since the A I have considered the people I have lent a sympathetic ear to recently. Ten folks. Seven women. Five telling me about R problems. All five think "my W is a lucky woman etc etc. We should have dinner to discuss etc." Bullsh1t.

How could I NOT see that ? If I DID see that how can I just accept such hard flirting from these women ?

Maybe it was flattering, but since the A I can't BELIEVE how I accepted that. I ALWAYS said I was a happily married man, I have ALWAYS advised against infidelity , I have NEVER gone for one-on-one meals with these women but who knows, I may have met a 'soul mate' who WOULD have made me start down the slippery slope to an affair of my own ? I begin JUST BEGIN to see how FWWs started now. NOT EXCUSED she could have done what I have done, but, well, she didn't.

NO-ONE who enjoys the company of the opposite sex as I do is free from risk of infidelity.I STILL speak with these female friends but ALWAYS in a public place with unkmowing chaperones now. Oddly, two of the women don't share their problems with me any more since I started doing that...

Suzet I am also a BS but I have recognised I am at risk of an A maybe MORESO because I am a BS and there is a warped , supressed feeling of jealousy and entitlement that my FWW has experienced sex outside our M and I haven't.

I making myself very vulnerable by posting these feelings Suzet in an attempt for you to see how important this is.

I will not act on any of these feelings because I have recognised and categorized the risk. But I cannot deny them. PLEASE gently explain this to your H. Print off my post if it helps.

All blessngs.

Stillsosad, thanks for your note and “2 cents”. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think it really comes down to boundaries and what you both feel comfortable with. If you are comfortable with your H's boundaries then ok. If you feel uncomfortable then maybe the boundaries need to be discussed again.

I agree with this and I think this also boils down to POJA – the Policy of a Joint [ENTHUSIASTIC] Agreement. And although I have accepted my H’s boundaries and fully trust him on this, I must however admit that – as ForeverHers has expressed it – it was a somewhat “reluctant” and not a fully enthusiastic agreement on my part.

As with your H, one of the boundaries I set for myself after my EA ended, was that I would never have an close opposite sex friendship again or having discussions & time alone with a person of the opposite sex. I would love if my H could follow this same boundary at all times, but since my H is the betrayed spouse and never gave me any reason in the past to doubt him with his interactions with the opposite sex, I felt it would be unfair to expect or insist my H to always practice the same boundaries than me regarding the opposite sex.

I don’t know if there is any FWS’s around who can identify & have understanding for what I'm saying?

Suzet

Sorry - double post.

<small>[ October 14, 2004, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

I agree with Bob. It is possible that your husband is getting some secret fulfillment out of your insecurity. It may make him feel a bit more in control of your relationship, more concretely cherished by you as evidenced by your jealousy.
He may be giving you a taste of what he has suffered. Even formerly strong well-adjusted people fall to this temptation in the aftermath of an affair.
You say you know your husband is being totally honest, Suzet. But, an element of openness cannot be taken at face value as *total* honesty. People who have something to hide (growing inappropriate feelings or an affair) will often tell SOME of the story, just leaving out the implicating parts, in an effort to appear innocent.
Or he may just be enjoying this relationship to cause you to feel insecure. Hopefully his motivation is so that you will cling to him, not to have an affair himself. Cruel, but it gives you some clues as to what his unspoken, unresolved feelings may be.
Not saying he is a bad person AT ALL...just possibly going down a dangerous path in an attempt to feel better.
We could be wrong. It's utterly possible that your husband is just very nice and very naive.
If everything is hunky dory, he will respect your fears and abide by the boundaries you suggest. If he balks...something is amiss.
Blessings dear.

Bob -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I making myself very vulnerable by posting these feelings Suzet in an attempt for you to see how important this is.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I appreciate this very much Bob and I can see the importance of what you’re saying to me... Thanks for the info you've shared to help me understand your feelings as a BS and to give me some insight.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Suzet I am also a BS but I have recognised I am at risk of an A maybe MORESO because I am a BS and there is a warped , supressed feeling of jealousy and entitlement that my FWW has experienced sex outside our M and I haven't.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bob, I never experience sex or any physical involvement (kissing, hugging) outside my M or during my EA with OM. Do you think there is a possibility that my H might have these same feelings since mine was ‘only’ EA and not PA? Any insight from other BH’s whose W’s was involved in 'only' EA’s?

Realitychkd chick –

Thanks for your input as well… Although I don’t think this is the case with my H, it however helps to read different perspectives and to get different insights from others. It gives me some food for thought.

Blessings to all,
Suzet

Suzet*

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As with your H, one of the boundaries I set for myself after my EA ended, was that I would never have an close opposite sex friendship again or having discussions & time alone with a person of the opposite sex. I would love if my H could follow this same boundary at all times, but since my H is the betrayed spouse and never gave me any reason in the past to doubt him with his interactions with the opposite sex, I felt it would be unfair to expect or insist my H to always practice the same boundaries than me regarding the opposite sex. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am a BS. I have set the same boundaries as my H even though I have not cheated or lied in the past. BUT, like Bob, I previously accepted flirting or sexual joking around by other men as acceptable. Was it only a matter of time before someone flirted with me in *just the right way* and then BAM, I become a WS?

The same danger is there whether or not you've done it before.

When someone begins to get too personal now I [cringe and] change the subject. When I show up at quarterly user groups (business) meetings and run into the male and female *huggers* of the group I think to myself "what's up with that? Why the hugs? This is business." A group of 15 - 20 of us meeting 4 times per year. I know and like these people but I don't really *know* them. I really don't know them well enough to hug them. I never gave it a second thought before but think about it now and I avoid the hugs.

I guess I'm also taking into consideration what our Pastor said in church last weekend. He said that you will never, ever find him traveling, meeting, eating, etc. alone with another woman other than his wife. A third person or spouse is always included. Every office door in the church has a window. The Pastor said "don't put yourself in that position or situation. Everybody has weaknesses. Guard yourself against them."

It's A-proofing your M by both partners, isn't it?

Just another .02!

Take care.

sss

Suzet*,

I think you've got several excellent responses but I wanted to add another view point. (This is coming from the BH viewpoint.) While I have never had an A on my FWW, I have come the realization that if the circumstances were just a little different, our situation could easily have been reversed.

So looking at your situation, I think you and your H have a very good communications avenue. I also believe that your H is honorable and trying to keep you posted with his forthcoming honesty and informing you of these events. I believe he is also aware of the potential dangers. It is also wise that you recognize these events not for what they are but what they could become. And I therefore think it is important that you continue to communicate with your H about your concerns and the two of you together can POJA the outcome.

Good luck!
RH

Hi Suzet,
Pretty new at this - no expert. But, like some of the other posters, I am a BS.

My FWH, too, is a really nice person - good listener, kind, helpful. And it was those traits that caused the OW to latch onto him. Add together 1 kind, helpful guy, 1 needy, damsel-in-distress type of OW, and 1 independent, absorbed-in-the-kids-and-work wife (me) and the result was a EA turned PA, which lasted 15 months, and nearly destroyed our M.

Like some of your other posters, I learned to re-examine my own friendships with men. I have since refused to be alone with any of the men I know at work or anywhere else. Why? Because affairs happens too easily.

One of the reasons my FWH's A went on so long was b/c, as clues were coming my way (about 11 months into the A) I refused to accept them (denial). My H was a good man, a good Christian. Surely, I thought, he would never cheat on me! How disloyal to even think that! Well, was I wrong! I should have addressed it as soon as he started talking about his 'poor co-worker' who had a lousy H, drug-using teenagers, etc. But, foolishly, I was wrapped up in my own life, and let that chance slip through my fingers.

Be vigiliant. Address these risks w/your H. And - always - fill those ENs. Good luck!
-------------------------------------------
BS-me-49 (for 2 more dats!) FWH-44 M-20 yrs.
EA/PA - 2/03-5/08, DDay - 5/08/04
NC-9/3/04
3 kids-DD-18, DS-15, DS-9

Hi Suzet,
Pretty new at this - no expert. But, like some of the other posters, I am a BS.

My FWH, too, is a really nice person - good listener, kind, helpful. And it was those traits that caused the OW to latch onto him. Add together 1 kind, helpful guy, 1 needy, damsel-in-distress type of OW, and 1 independent, absorbed-in-the-kids-and-work wife (me) and the result was a EA turned PA, which lasted 15 months, and nearly destroyed our M.

Like some of your other posters, I learned to re-examine my own friendships with men. I have since refused to be alone with any of the men I know at work or anywhere else. Why? Because affairs happens too easily.

One of the reasons my FWH's A went on so long was b/c, as clues were coming my way (about 11 months into the A) I refused to accept them (denial). My H was a good man, a good Christian. Surely, I thought, he would never cheat on me! How disloyal to even think that! Well, was I wrong! I should have addressed it as soon as he started talking about his 'poor co-worker' who had a lousy H, drug-using teenagers, etc. But, foolishly, I was wrapped up in my own life, and let that chance slip through my fingers.

Be vigiliant. Address these risks w/your H. And - always - fill those ENs. Good luck!
-------------------------------------------
BS-me-49 (for 2 more dats!) FWH-44 M-20 yrs.
EA/PA - 2/03-5/08, DDay - 5/08/04
NC-9/3/04
3 kids-DD-18, DS-15, DS-9

Hi Suzet,
There's a book that might be helpful to your situation. It's called "Emotional Infidelity, How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship", author:
M. Gary Neuman. Mr.Neuman definitely advises exactly what others have shared...no individual contacts with persons of the other sex. My xWS also started out trying to help someone. He is a recovering alcoholic/addict. This young girl (21)hooked up with him at their recovery meetings. He felt sorry for her "because she's never had anything in her life...her parents were abusive...never had a consistent place to live...." I reminded him that A.A. policy is males sponser/counsel males and females, females. He "just knew" it would never become a problem. She kept calling our house supposedly asking for help with her fiance. I suggested to my spouse that she go to Al-Anon like the rest of us. Other than that, I stayed out of it because I figured that their recovery was none of my business. Next thing I know...she's 6 months pregnant with my 47 year old spouse's child. I think that he could be a "hero" in her eyes with minimal effort, that it was an ego boost for him to have this young girl interested in him. I would have never thought my spouse would do this! They now have a 2 and 1/2 yr. old son with Down Syndrome. And my xWS complains because the OW is "lazy..won't do anything...expects everyone else to take care of her.".....I suggested that perhaps that's why she didn't have anything in her life...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Stillsosad, Recovering H, jsenp & heartfailure –

Thanks for all the new responses I received from you guys yesterday. Heartfailure, thanks for the recommended book. I once send a thread on an article I found about Emotional Infidelity on the Internet, and steps to A-proof your M where also included, but I think a book on the subject will address this issue in more detail and depth.

The overall impression I get from the responses I received on this thread, is that most BS’s around here are aware of the fact that they also have weaknesses and vulnerabilities and that both spouses must guard themselves against the opposite sex in the same way, and that the same ‘standards’ apply whether or not they were involved in an A themselves. As stillsosad have said: ”The same danger is there whether or not you've done it before.” and ”It's A-proofing your M by both partners”. I agree with this.

Although my H are fully aware of the dangers, I just get the impression that because my H have learned from my experience and now have more knowledge about these things, he thinks that he don’t have to worry that he will fall into the same “trap” than me… My H really believes he is not at risk to develop inappropriate feelings for someone of the opposite sex and even said it to me a few times. This week I said to him that anyone is at risk to develop those feelings and that he must be careful and guard his own heart, but he just said: “You don’t have to worry, I will never develop those feelings for another woman. You know me, and I’m not like that. I love you, you are the only women for me and will never have romantic feelings for someone else.”. Although I appreciate my H’s words very much, it also worries me, because it appear from my H’s words that he really believes he have all his guards up emotionally. It also appears that he aren’t aware of the fact the he might also have some unconscious weaknesses and vulnerabilities that can make him vulnerable to someone of the opposite sex.

Dr Harley said: ”We are all wired to have an affair. We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs. If you don't think it can happen to you because of your conviction or will-power, you are particularly vulnerable to an affair. And if you think your spouse would never have an affair, you are also vulnerable."

I’m concerned that my H is particularly vulnerable because he think it can’t happen or will never happen to him, even if he spend time or have contact with someone of the opposite sex...

Yesterday Bob send me an honest post regarding the feelings he sometimes experienced as a BS. He said:

”Suzet I am also a BS but I have recognised I am at risk of an A maybe MORESO because I am a BS and there is a warped , supressed feeling of jealousy and entitlement that my FWW has experienced sex outside our M and I haven't. I making myself very vulnerable by posting these feelings Suzet in an attempt for you to see how important this is.”.

I really took Bob’s words into account. But because my A was EA and because there was no physical involvement (hugging, kissing, sex etc.) whatsoever, I’m curious to know from other BH’s who’s WW’s were also involved in ‘only’ EA’s,, if it’s possible that my H might consciously or unconsciously have similar thoughts and feelings than Bob described above? Does the fact that my EA stopped before it became too intense or PA, really make a difference or is the feelings of hurt and betrayal for a BS whose spouse were involved in EA the same as someone who was involved in intense EA and/or PA? From what I’ve read on these boards, PA is harder for men and EA for woman.

Please BH’s, I would really appreciate to hear your opinion about this.

Thank you and God bless to all, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Suzet

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 05:02 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet* you said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does the fact that my EA stopped before it became too intense or PA, really make a difference or is the feelings of hurt and betrayal for a BS whose spouse were involved in EA the same as someone who was involved in intense EA and/or PA? From what I’ve read on these boards, PA is harder for men and EA for woman.

Please BH’s, I would really appreciate to hear your opinion about this. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let me preface this, not all men are the same. What floats one guys boat, may do nothing for the next guy. That said, I don't really know your H, you know him best so you'll have to factor what is said here with what you know.

I think you know mine and Onlywords story. There was a PA involved. Initially, at least for me, the PA was the hardest part for me to deal with. However, when I realized how easy it could have been for me to fall into the A trap, it was then the EA part that hurt so much. Plus, now, 8 months after dday, I see how hard it was for onlywords to get over the EA part. It is/was a truly unique situation to deal with (not unique in that my situation is different from everyone else's, but unique in a tragic way). It's possible that for your H, not having to deal with a PA, it's probably somewhat different, though I don't really know that for sure.

I'm not really sure I answered your question, but maybe gave you a few additional points to ponder. Keep talking with your H, that is the best medicine.

RH

I don't think you have a problem. But, everyone is different. It seems you both have discussed this situation. He is handling it correctly. Without a further development, I don't think this is a problem situation.

Just continue to show your H every day that you are in love with him. Many people are in a position where they deal with troubled people. Some can not handle this without developing emotional attachments and others can't. I think your husband's experience as a union leader demostrates his ability in this area. Has he had problems in the past becoming to emotionally involved when people bring problems to him?

I think everyone who has been thru an EA is more aware of the dangers of casual flirting. We also know the warning signs. A spouse that is never pleased with what ever you do, sudden changes in schedules with reasons that make no sense, computer usage till late into the night, etc.

I think the point is approching where your H realizes that he can be of no further benefit to this W and he will tell her. You just need to trust him. I think your sensitivity to the potential problems that can arise from a relationship like this are normal.

I take it your H has not had any luck finding a job. Good luck to the both of you.